rachel-was-distracted-and - Tumblr blog

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rudy time

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If we combine the Carolinas and the Dakotas we can give DC and Puerto Rico statehood without changing the flag

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One of the funniest things I ever experienced was when I went to go see John Mulaney live, and halfway through a bit about how expensive college in the States is, he looked down at the sleeve of his suit jacket and just. stopped. dead halt, mid sentence.

And after like three seconds, where we’re all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn’t ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, “Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?”

He’d taken his suit to the drycleaner, and they’d wrapped the buttons on the sleeves and the coat with tinfoil to protect them, and John Mulaney didn’t notice until half-way through his set, and was SO FLABBERGASTED that he never did finish the story about college and instead did five minutes on how stupid it was that his buttons were reflecting the light and he just didn’t notice, and in that moment I understood more about John Mulaney as a person than I ever have.

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apparently my boss who is a professor at my school doesn’t have a cell phone and his coworkers were upset by this so they bought him a childs toy phone and labeled it “David’s jitterbug” (for those of you that don’t know jitterbugs are phones made for old people that have like massive buttons and shit) so the other day I walked into his office to ask him a question and he pressed a button on it which made it start loudly playing the ABCs and he said “excuse me I have to take this” and then started singing along to the ABCs while shooing me out of his office

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absolutely no one:

Straight Men on dating apps:

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“Something wants to be said but the words don’t agree.”

— Tomas Tranströmer, from “Baltics,” New Collected Poems: Dikter och prosa 1954-2004 (Bloodaxe Books, 2015)

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i’ve missed them

+

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Me waking up in the morning: Mm bed soft and comfy

Me refusing to go to bed at a reasonable hour at night: Mm screen bright and funny

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WAYWARD CHILDREN: [4/4] in an absent dream for @marebarrow

“The Market knows, you see, when someone is acting to the best of their ability. The Market doesn’t punish us for having limitations. It only reminds us that fair value applies to everyone.”

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“If you give everyone fair value, no one wants. If no one wants, no one has to take. The Market makes sure we don’t take advantage of each other.”

In an Absent Dream by Seanan Mcguire

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Human vs Animals

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i cant believe i fell for that “look angry and upset and hope someone saves you” shit in high school! how boring! what an awful way to live! i want to be so warm that ppl are gently warmed when theyre around me