rachelkirwan

[rachelkirwan]

[rachelkirwan]

what happens when cucky pamper packers hafta feed themselves....

[rachelkirwan]

[rachelkirwan]

i need changies plz? 🥺🥺🥺

[rachelkirwan]

Play wif my stuffie! ❤️

[rachelkirwan]

I had therapy today.

I sought out this therapist over 3 years ago because they were “kink aware”, and I wanted to feel safe to talk about every part of myself. Just once.

I was pretty broken by the time I finally got to see them; I was exhausted, and burnt out; worried about my health, my loved ones, my business, and especially, my marriage.

But, I felt like I couldn’t seem to pull it together anymore. And I was tired of winding up back in this place over and over and over and over again. I was very fucking tired of never being good enough.

I even remember the way I sat in that office - shoulders slumped, quivering voice, really disgusted with myself, and embarrassed about what made me seek them out.

I’ve messed up a lot, and the more time that goes by where my life feels calm, the more I am better able to unpack so many mistakes… I want to be honest with myself, to own my failures, and be more honest with the people around me. I want to be, and do, better.

That first visit, I tried to explain the vulnerability that had brought me there, and I looked straight at them and said,

“I’m here because I need you to help me get rid of this part of myself.”

I 100% meant it, and I was desperate.

Growth isn’t perfect - or linear. I could easily spend 5 years waiting for one thing to change before realizing it just fucking wouldn’t. Certain behaviors might change, but they would simply manifest in some other way - on both sides - and it took me forever to accept that maybe I was in the wrong place, expecting the wrong things, and growing resentful over it.

My expectations and resentment were unfair, and I was tired of being upset.

My therapist heard me out, was quite compassionate, and then very matter-of-factly told me “it just doesn’t work that way.”

“We can try to understand the why, and we can work on obsession/compulsion, but we can’t just do away with fundamental parts of ourselves.”

Okay. Sure.

So I had to go thru their little process. And I hoped it would result in bending me into the shape of everyone else’s expectations of me. I wanted to live up to those expectations - so I would be allowed to expect in return.

I wanted the right to be small.

And maybe, I conflated the need for support, care, and chivalry, with being “small”… or into ageplay or BDSM, or ABDL. Maybe they aren’t mutually exclusive? Either way, I’m here - right now - and my therapist snapped me out of the fog, and straight into this reality, and they never ever made me feel weird for it.

Instead, they made me dig deep and identify the various moments that brought me to this place. This made me cry. A guttural cry, that came from the depths of me. It made me lay awake at night and realize the impossibilities, limitations, and frustrations that neither of us - me or my husband - should be experiencing. It made me change my mind about divorce never being an option. It took a long time for me to admit that to myself. I still struggle with it, all of the time. But admitting it to myself removed the anger. It brought the temperature down. It gave me permission to be honest with myself. It forced me to be honest with him.

And it really has *nothing* to do with any fetish, or role play. At all.

My divorce is next month. I’ll go to court; I’ll be questioned, and I’ll be reduced to my shortcomings. But, I’ll endure that, so that I can stop feeling that my needs are inconsequential. I’m already undoing that. It is liberating. I feel equal parts devastated and healthy. It’s gutting, and it feels selfish, and it’s necessary, and I feel important again.

My ex-husband didn’t do anything wrong - we both tried a lot, and accomplished much, and made many many good things happen. And I am thankful for him and his part in my life. I am sorry for all the ways I have failed and hurt him. I’m less and less mad about the ways I perceived him failing and hurting me.

I am also ready to move on, and I want us both to be okay someday. Separately.

Today my therapist told me for the millionth time that they can’t instruct me what to do. That there isn’t a “right” answer. No matter how much I beg, in my most desperate moments, they never tell me to do one thing or the other. They guide me through my own wants and needs, and help me get there myself. Without judgement.

My therapist and I rarely discuss me being little, or my wetting problem; we never talk about diapers, and barely need the “kink-aware” qualification. They have rarely batted an eye at my “little” secret, or silly indulgences. Instead, they’ve encouraged me to be my own caregiver, be honest with myself, and I swear to god, every single time, for over two years, they’ve ended every single session by saying

“This is it. You’re doing it. I’m proud of you.”

I’m thankful they consistently stand in that place until I am ready to be proud of myself…

I am almost there.

I am almost there.

[rachelkirwan]

[rachelkirwan]

Ski hill in pampies is the only way 🤭🏂🏔

[rachelkirwan]

Ski hill in pampies is the only way 🤭🏂🏔

[rachelkirwan]

The holiday's have arrived which means extra diapers for this baby!

[rachelkirwan]

Pooh bear on my booty, I couldn’t be happier!😁

[rachelkirwan]

A Diapered Christmas 🎄🍼

Up on JFF ($10+ tiers) and MV

[rachelkirwan]

Leaving a present under the tree 🤭

[rachelkirwan]

Nobody tell daddy 🤫

[rachelkirwan]

Just sitting in my full diaper, daydreaming of a change ✨

[rachelkirwan]

[rachelkirwan]

New huggies from Kiddos just dropped and holy crap does the design make my brain go into immediate mushie mode 🫠 🥴

Gotta be one of my new favs 😊