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[rachellealexiss-blog]

How do you know when it’s real? When it gives you the rush of writing all the words you can think of that doesn’t really make sense. How do you know when it’s a cycle? When all of your written words are badly aching as you type every single letter that doesn’t wanna be there How do you end the cycle? You can’t. And no matter how you badly wanted to put an end to things, it’s never gonna happen. Even though you told yourself you’ll heal. A wound can never heal by constantly touching it, worse, it can never heal by adding salt into it. How does it heal? How do you recover? How badly you wanted the pain you keep putting yourself into to stop? Like in my favorite series always quoted. The carousel never stops turning. 

Today, I’m a slob. I did my best to hold my words back because i am just so exhausted, exhausted of feeling, of sulking, of this stupid reality called life. I never asked for perfect, I just asked to be happy- and where did asking get me? in the end of the dark road with no one but myself, because im worthy of being sad, but never deserving to be alone. Did you ever get to a point of just wanting to talk about your problems but words doesn’t seem to come out? Because you yourself knew how it’s going to end. You try and try just to see it fail, just to know it will fail. You were never meant to be, there’s a thin line between forcing things and calling it destiny. And us two, we’re a trainwreck. We’re stubborn just like that. And no matter how many times this thing crushes us, we’re going to keep fighting til we’re broken, shattered, and just  dead inside. 

There’s no way of cheating your feelings, I thought I did. But every time you ask to hold my hand I’d grab yours instead. And convince myself, that i am strong enough for us both. But Im not brave, at least I was, I was brave enough to walk away hundred times,  braver to come back thousand times, and stupid to have faith in what I know is over. Deep in my heart I knew it’s over, years ago. I stopped and you stopped. We eventually stopped caring, we stopped wanting to know where we’ll go and where we had been. We stopped reminding each other the little things that kept us going everyday, and only reminded ourselves why it’s over and how it will not work out. We are hopelessly hoping for that second chance but we’re never going to get it. Cause, a part of us died when a part of us left each other. and when something dies it can never recover. No matter how much you grieve, no matter how much you beg. 

So when can I accept this, that a part of us together is actually dead. Two same persons but not really the same. The world can be a bad joker sometimes, and I refuse to be stuck. But how do you get out from a quicksand? I’ve been stuck long enough, I wonder if it’s still quicksand Im trying to get out from. Cos, If it’s  cement. Then there’s no escaping this anymore. 

[rachellealexiss-blog]

As my body craves for death, I took a deep breath- as if exhaling nicotine. And once again, my bad habit's screaming in my head. To light another, and fall into a labyrinth of those who can no longer return. And nobody is safe here.

[rachellealexiss-blog]

Searching for the lost “good” in good bye

Sleep is where I can feel dead and alive at the same time, sleep is where my body and soul gets numb, sleep is where I can forget a little while Sleep is where I escape. Sleep is where I cannot feel. Sleep is my sanctuary. 

Who wishes to sleep forever? And athough this pain will eventually go away, it will never get better I used to believe pain is not forever, but pain will always be present. Only sometimes, it’s forgotten. But it never. goes. away. I’m so fed up with the thought of “I am okay” with the weight of the world I carry on my shoulders, as if a fat man or 10 trucks resting on my chest while my heart beats as if its on a race, I can no longer repress. And the more I hold it back, It only gets worse, and I am too young to have a heart attack. Even when I knew I already had, a couple of times, A couple of heartbreaks ago, with one thing being constant. And the root cause, is you...

How can I not get used to the pain? How can my heart still feel after its been shattered, broken, and used for so long? I do not write today to count all of your shortcomings, or who gave the most and stayed. We all know the ending of a story that’s cliche. Today, I write about something new, about your someone new. 

As I force my tears to run dry while I tap on my keyboard. As I try to fill the void in my heart with different excuses of fake happiness, A deep breath and courage is all I ask to finish every darn sentence of this absurdity. 

For so long I thought I was okay, I went out dating and you did too. But for each time it doesn't work with somebody, we keep on going back to each other no matter how long or far we wander. You were my home, and for 4 years I was yours, too. But now, we have to leave what’s familiar we have to leave everything we’re used to. Even if it means leaving each other forever.  So here goes my plea, to whoever takes my place. To wherever you’re home is now, or if you plan to build your own with her.. 

Forget our love or how I used to hold your hand, instead reach for her and grab her while you can, Forget my hair, my face, my body look at her without disgrace she loves you remember she’s now your family Forget my patience, love, she can replace the days I stay up late to ask where you’re going Forget the place we used to go, Forget the days we were reckless. Forget I sleep next to you while snoring  Forget our dates our secret handshake, Forget our phone calls that took forever.  She’s now the voice inside your head, dear, she’s waiting for you to come over Forget my laugh, forget my stories, forget my fears. Protect her with all of you, she’s also fragile, I want you to embrace her.  Forget my childishness when tantrums hit me, be patient with her I know soon she’ll make you weary.  Forget me love, don’t call or text me. That day you stood out crying and begged me, that our love you couldn’t replace or forget me.  But forget me love, I ask, while my heart is being broken. While you hold her hand and she accepts you arms open.. I’ll be fine again soon, don’t you even worry. And no matter how long it takes, I am fine, as long as you’re happy..

[rachellealexiss-blog]

HISTORY, WE-STORY

I know, as a media practitioner I shouldn’t be bigot about Marcos’ being buried in the “Libingan ng mga Bayani” but the name itself has spoken. What are the measures of being called a hero?

I wasn’t there, I am not in the position to tell whether or not Marcos’ is truly a hero.I did not feel his abuse of power- al though his legacy will live forever. The good and the bad. But I am a filipino, and Ninoy being proclaimed a national hero isn’t for nothing, celebrating the EDSA revolution is definitely a sign that people cried and longed for freedom that has taken away from them, taken away by a abusive dictator on a democratic country. Where is justice? 

Filipinos are dammed- crying for a state of mind who felt the phase of adversity. To help them prevent Marcos’ being buried where he does not nor ever, belong. I know we are not a nation of vengeful monsters, but we cannot simply forgive and forget, we cannot just move on from the hate because history will be distorted from what is right and true. Sugar coated by these lies that a former president will be called a hero just because of these infrastructures? No. There were once a killing spree in this country where age, gender and even innocence did not matter. And now, we are asked to forget? They are taking advantage of our ignorance for they only tell us what they choose to tell us. Where else can these naive minds bring us. What else can these naive minds can agree to? 

For as long as I knew Duterte I have been an ally. Defended him, even. But Sir, I have to disagree with you this time. Just because you were spared from the pain doesn’t mean you can ignore the agony of the unfortunate. There are some things that shouldn’t be forgotten, true there are things that Marcos’  had done impeccably but there are far more casualties.

Burying Marcos’ in the “Libingan ng mga Bayani” would mean forgetting Ninoy is a hero and celebrating EDSA revolution. History is a big part of where we are today. And who we are today.

[rachellealexiss-blog]

STUCK IN LOVE

Is it true what they say? The most creative minds are those who are still awake at this time of hour. Even the nights are longer- or did days just become shorter? 

It’s been 4 years, and we’re still stuck in each other’s arms. Why do we linger? Is it because of familiarity? Is it because of love? Are we still each other’s person? Or, we’re just okay with the idea of we’ll always be there for each other no matter what the universe throws at us. It’s killing me, but, world without you in it is pretty much the same. 

It was a Saturday, dawn is breaking and half of the world’s asleep but we’re not. Even though we belong to the other half that should be sleeping. I was scared of spewing out wrong words, staring at you never felt so empty, you were once my galaxy, but now, you’re just one of the stars. Just one of my stars.. I want to convince myself, still i am convincing myself- that a love that’s lost could be found again. But I could never be so wrong at a feeling, that a lost love can never be found the same again. I just love you in a different way now. 

I am still holding at the idea of  us, maybe because you were my first, you are my greatest. Or maybe because I’d like to think of you that way, and though I feel empty, you give meaning to my being. And with you, it’s just a different me. With you, I feel i am loved. Nobody compares, nobody can ever compare. And nobody should dare to compare. Greatest words more than “I love yous” are, “I will be waiting, for as long as it takes. For as long as I can. For as long as you’re ready”

So I asked for a deal, when we’re twenty-eight and single, I wanted us to be forever. “Don’t be with another lover” that’s when I knew I going to keep you. Then you held my hand and promised me I will never grow old alone. 

They say this love is a killer. What’s a better way to get killed then?