racingthoughts101

[racingthoughts101]

My Plate is BEYOND full..

I just need to keep talking, need to get it out; I feel like I am going to explode.

I know in my last post I had mentioned that it has been a long, exhausting week.. So I am going to go further in depth about the RACING THOUGHTS that just keep going through my head; trust me I do not expect you to be able to follow any of this and for that I apologize.

Mentally I do not feel like I have been diagnosed properly. I feel like I have been misdiagnosed for so long and have had so many different providers and therapist that they just tend to run with whatever the last one has said without taking the time to listen to me and see what exactly is going on. I feel like a effing guinea pig getting put on this medicine, cutting down on that medicine, adding this one to the mixture. I want to feel, absolutely but I don’t want to feel this fucking low. I feel drained, exhausted, and completely defeated. 

I met my girlfriends best friend today over brunch and the amount of anxiety leading up to meeting her was just outrageous; like I seriously wanted to throw up. I wanted to make the perfect impression.. which is completely impossible especially with the fact that my girlfriends bestfriend works with people who are dual diagnosed. Did I want to completely break down in front of her and ask for her professional opinion? Absofuckinglutely. Did I? No. I don’t want her to feel like I am not a good fit or that my girlfriend should build a future with someone that can provide stability.

But lets be real.. my girlfriend is absolutely incredible and yet I am the most insecure person because of the people I decided to give my time and heart to in the past which is not her fault but she is the one paying the price of it. The thing is she doesn’t do anything that makes me question her loyalty or if she cares because she shows me that in so many different ways. It’s just my own insecurities and never feeling like I am good enough or worth much of anything at all. All I want to do is give her the world and everything good and beautiful. I want to see her truly happy. I want to be the one that makes her smile. But I haven’t been in any state of mind that I am able to bring that to someone so deserving because I don’t feel deserving of it or feel like it is within my grasp.. but I want to be and I want to give it to her. I have this fear that I am going to let her down, or not be able to provide her with the things that I truly believe she deserves.

Which brings me to my next topic.. I feel so completely worthless, that I am completely helpless,  a lost cause for lack of better terms. Back in New York I had everything I needed, I maintained a roof over my head, food in my fridge, my cabinets were filled. I had a job, a job where I felt accomplished. I had an awesome relationship with my bosses. I didn’t always have that. I was in a extremely toxic, mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive relationship. I got away from that and I starting coming into myself. I didn’t need anyone, I did it all on my own. I ran my household, I paid my bills, I didn’t have anything being held over my head or made to feel less than on a daily basis, I didn’t have to hide anymore. With him I was literally empty - the only thing that brought me happiness was my son. My son is what gave me the strength to get up everyday, the was the only warmth I felt in my soul. I didn’t have anyone to control my every move, every aspect of my life (I was finally able to wear make up, for goodness sake.) Needless to say I left that sad excuse of a man and I became a strong, hardworking, beautiful, free woman. BUT then I decided to pack up and move across the country, and that has made me feel like I have completely lost my independence because I am living under my father’s roof while I myself have a child of my own. I have been looking for a job but it has been more difficult then I imagined it to be. I feel as if I am not good enough, and that I am not meeting my potential. My savings has dwindled down to practically nothing, and I am trying to live off unemployment. I want to work for my money, I want to prove my worth. I feel like yet again I am pressing the restart button on my life, and it seems as if the third time is harder than the rest; and this time I willing hit the reset button, I wasn’t pushed to do it due to drugs, rehab, or having a child. I choose to move, give up everything, and start over in hopes that I would continue to find myself, bask in the happiness that I finally had, see my child thrive (which he is doing amazing and has come such a long way.) I want to gain my independence back, I want to be given a chance.

I just feel so lost and that my son and my girlfriend are the only things that motivate me and get me out of bed in the morning. I miss my sister, who is going through hell and there isn’t a single thing I can do right now to help. I miss my family back in New York, I miss my best friend, I miss my friends, I miss having independence, I miss feeling accomplished. I feel like I have no idea what I am doing in my life and my son and my girlfriend deserve so much more. I don’t even know what I deserve anymore. I have completely lost myself. 

I know that I mention that I live with my father and his girlfriend (on numerous occasions..) but I can’t turn to them. I feel like crap that I am living here with a child, that I have yet to get a job; maybe it’s because I am looking for a meaningful job that I would actually enjoy doing rather than settling for a dead-end job. Regardless I can’t talk to them about much at all, it’s like I have to put on an act. I can’t have emotions whether they’re good or bad. I don’t feel like I am heard or understood here. I am struggling so bad and putting on this face like I am not and that is completely exhausting. Plus every time I do talk about something that is meaningful to me it’s as if I didn’t say a word, that I get shrugged off, ignored, or the topic gets changed to surface shit that has no meaning behind it. I talk about my mom and I get shrugged off, I speak about my girlfriend and the subject gets chance. I speak about my son, and it’s what I’ve done wrong, or what I need to work on with him. I want to be accepted, and I want them to see just how happy this woman makes me, but they won’t open their fucking eyes or open their arms to me. I don’t want to feel like I am walking on eggshells, or like I can cut the tension in this house with a knife. I don’t want to be Cinderella; I want to be Nicole, your daughter, I want to be accepted, I want to be heard, I want to be seen. Open your eyes, I am begging you. I walk around this house like a lost soul that continually goes unseen.

With my past and my mental health I have a tendency to self sabotage. I get into these deep depressive states where I push everyone away, I isolate, and I fall deeper to the point that I am drowning in loneliness and guilt and shame, and I am grabbing for a hand to pull me out of this fucking chaos that I created on my own. But will there be anyone to catch me this time before it’s too late?

“You’ve likely had periods of struggle in your life that have made you feel powerless and overwhelmed. In response, you might internalize what you feel and be scared to express yourself - or you could be easily provoked by people and situations. You can’t avoid or rationalize these circumstances, but they’re here to add complexity and depth to your inner life.” 

[racingthoughts101]

Emotional Rollercoaster

The last week or so has been exhausting to say the least.

This past Monday was my best friend of 15 years 30th birthday (awesome, I know!) She shares what used to be my mother’s birthday. It used to be cool because my mom and dad used to go camping, leaving my best friend and me to our own devices to do as we pleased for my best friend’s birthday (again, awesome, I know!)

As I said in the first (last) post I recently moved to Arizona.. with that being said I practically left my whole life back in New York including my best friend, and one of my greatest sources of support.

This year her husband threw her a surprise party to which I was extremely excited to hear and pleasantly surprised. I know that I am no longer in New York but I was super upset that her husband didn’t let me in on the secret or invite me. Yes, I know it sounds stupid but I love my best friend like she is my sister, we have faced so many things together, our birthdays are so close together that we usually have a blast and this year I felt completely left out. 

Secondly; any birthday, holiday, or anniversary plain ol’ sucks without my mom to be there to celebrate with. There’s this emptiness that follows me around on a daily basis reminding me of just how lost I am without her. Days leading up to these special days or following these special days are always filled with overwhelming sadness and pain that I can not shake for the life of me. I am feeling like true happiness is only a dream and not something that is within reach for me.

I find that this loss of mine has gotten harder since the move. I used to have this amazing support system made up of my godparents, my aunts, my best friend, and my very close friends, all of which I have moved completely across the country from in search of myself and my happiness. You would think that I would be able to turn to my father to reminisce on old memories or talk to about my mother and to that, I just can’t, I don’t feel like I am allowed. I  am currently living under my father’s roof at the age of 29 with a 4 year old child, not only are we living here but so is his girlfriend. I feel as if I am not allowed to speak of my mother, who was my best friend, my cheerleader, the woman who gave me life. If I speak of my mother in front of said girlfriend it upsets her, she goes into another room, or says things that insinuate that she is competing against a woman who is no longer walking this earth, but is surely dancing in her own dimension. Part of me has been feeling like I am cheating on my mother by living under the same roof as my father’s girlfriend. I feel like not being about to speak about my mother is killing off the memories and that one day I am going to wake up and she will no longer be a thought, and that in itself breaks my heart. My mother was unique, TRULY one of a kind, and I refuse to let her go.

These feelings have made it extremely hard to function and find myself. I feel like my mother is a huge part of what makes me who I am. 

This post is dedicated to my mom, my hero, and the strongest woman I know. I love you beyond words, and thank you for having always been there. What I wouldn’t give to have you here now, to hear you laugh, and to see that beautiful smile. Keep shining bright my angel. ❤

“You might be tempted to see yourself as a victim, but that’s not the truth. Your struggles may be the source of your greatest strength - even a gift.”

[racingthoughts101]

Where to Begin..

So where do I begin?

I definitely do not have the time right now to start at the beginning, ya know the place where it all started.. So let me just give you an idea of who I am, or who I think I am because in all fairness I’m in the process of finding myself, my true self.

The name is Nicole, and I recently relocated from New York to the good ol’ Grand Canyon State. I came out here to give my son a better life, and myself too but mostly my son. I have struggled with mental health for as long as I can remember. Back in the day I used to self medicate to make it all go away, but let me tell you what, that only makes things worse. Now you know my name, where I am from, where I am living, that I am a mother, that I struggle with mental health, and that I am in recovery. 

I am starting something new to both help myself and help those of you who face the same struggles I do.. I am starting a Mental “Wellness” blog. This is to help me get out what I need to get out, as well as help my friends and family to understand the journey of the progression and/or regression that I am facing mentally, most of all this blog is to help people see they are NOT alone, because guess what?! You’re never alone! 

“Once you acknowledge that there’s uncertainty, discomfort, or wounding around the person you’re becoming, you can start to heal yourself. It’s like an initiation, making you incorporate what you’ve learned and eventually define your own sense of self.”