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Spotted at IGA. Now THAT'S how the locals like it

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Do not think otherwise. I am your eternal rival, I hate you to the bitter end, even if I instinctively clung to your arm during the scary drop on the roller coaster,

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one elf cigarette, husbanded carefully, can burn for 3 or 4 human generations. my boy your great grandpappy bummed this ciggie from the leaf-crowned prince of the splendid dales and it has burned on the mantle of our house ever since. on your 14th nameday, my son, you will puff it at last, and become a man

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*to ethics board* well im sorry you feel that way (lie detector attached to me starts blaring) but i thought my experiments were benefitting humanity (lie detector has started incorporating subtle amen breaks)

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I think I'm addicted to puffy fat nipples. What should I do?

why not join the fighter's guild? i hear they're recruiting again. not a bad way to make some money, if you've got the stones for it.

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“It is said that, during the fantasy book in the late eighties, publishers would maybe get a box containing two or three runic alphabets, four maps of the major areas covered by the sweep of the narrative, a pronunciation guide to the names of the main characters and, at the bottom of the box, the manuscript. Please… there is no need to go that far. There is a term that readers have been known to apply to fantasy that is sometimes an unquestioning echo of better work gone before, with a static society, conveniently ugly ‘bad’ races, magic that works like electricity and horses that work like cars. It’s EFP, or Extruded Fantasy Product. It can be recognized by the fact that you can’t tell it apart form all the other EFP. Do not write it, and try not to read it. Read widely outside the genre. Read about the Old West (a fantasy in itself) or Georgian London or how Nelson’s navy was victualled or the history of alchemy or clock-making or the mail coach system. Read with the mindset of a carpenter looking at trees. Apply logic in places where it wasn’t intended to exist. If assured that the Queen of the Fairies has a necklace made of broken promises, ask yourself what it looks like. If there is magic, where does it come from? Why isn’t everyone using it? What rules will you have to give it to allow some tension in your story? How does society operate? Where does the food come from? You need to know how your world works. I can’t stress that last point enough. Fantasy works best when you take it seriously (it can also become a lot funnier, but that’s another story). Taking it seriously means that there must be rules. If anything can happen, then there is no real suspense. You are allowed to make pigs fly, but you must take into account the depredations on the local bird life and the need for people in heavily over-flown areas to carry stout umbrellas at all times. Joking aside, that sort of thinking is the motor that has kept the Discworld series moving for twenty-two years.”

— “Notes from a Successful Fantasy Author: Keep It Real” (2007), Terry Pratchett. (via the-library-and-step-on-it)

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your honor my client is guilty can i get another one

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I got too excited while playing chess and told my opponent that I was going to slit his throat and slaughter him like a hog. something to work on for next time

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if you’ve never played a pokémon game you’re missing out on the insane things npcs will say to you unprompted. like you’ll be walking down a path and a total stranger will see you and immediately run up to you and trap you in place and say something like ‘the divorce is getting rough but me and my pokémon are getting tough!’ and then start a battle and after you beat their single rat they’ll be like ‘i wasn’t worthy of her…’ or something

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What is your stance on the issues?

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daddy's got to be honest kitten. i don't think we're finding the northwest passage

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www.guy-for-whom-the-bell-tolls.com/careers

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PASSED MY DRIVING TEST JUST UNDER THE MASSACHUCETTS-SPECIFIC THREE-PEDESTRIAN CASUALTY ALLOWANCE. AT LONG LAST I HAVE ASCENDED. I NUMBER AMONGST THE ELECT. I HAVE ACHIEVED VEHICULAR APOTHEOSIS. I AM A COMBUSTION POWERED MOTORIZED MESSIAH AND OFFERINGS WILL BE MADE IN MY NAME AT EVERY CROSSWALK. THE CHARNEL SLOUGH THAT IS THE MASSACHUCETTS ROAD SYSTEM WILL RUN RED WITH VISCERA OF THE INATTENTIVE AND BROWN WITH THE CONTENTS OF SPILLED DUNKIN COFFEE CUPS. MY KARMA WILL RUN OVER YOUR DOGMA AND THE ROADS ARE BAD ENOUGH THAT I WILL NOT NOTICE THE BUMP

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Me: [closes my eyes for 20 seconds and opens them] "I just fought in the Atlantean Lemurian hyperwar for ten billion years

friend in the passenger seat: pull over right now

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Gnome colony in attic seems to have dissolved into full-blown civil war. The giggles that used to keep me awake at night now replaced by sounds of acorns hitting fragile gnome bodies and quieter, more morose giggles.

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look, it's easy, okay? High Fantasy has An Hero whose Destiny is Sword, and Low Fantasy has Some Schmoe whose Job is Sword.