radishesx

[radishesx]

August 3 2018 I am going through my old letters to you. And I talk about what if I’m sad for the rest of my life, still thinking about you. It’s nice that it’s not like that anymore. It takes me like five times longer to heal than anyone i kkow. I mean it took me like 2 years to heal. That’s way too long. But I’m good now. And I’m hurting over someone else. You don’t make me nervous anymore. You just make me smile, knowing you are happy and okay

[radishesx]

August 2 2018 You came into smoothie king again. It’s been a while. I was just thinking of you last night. Mostly because Jenny brought you up. Me and her have been on and off mostly. I love her. She’s so beautiful and she’s the love of my life. I just miss her amid all. But she keeps playing with my feeelings. She knows I would do anything for her. I hate that she knows that. But she says we can’t just be friends. And she brought you up, “just like you can’t be just friends with Mary.” She brought up that I can’t even be around you without freezing up. I think I have gotten a lot better. You came in and we smiled at each other and it was nice but it wasn’t as nerve wracking as it used to be. But she’s right, I can’t be friends with you. And I know you wouldn’t even stay a couple seconds in her to talk to me even though I’m bored here and I would love to catch up. But I understand. I will always understand. And I guess that means I can’t be friends with her either. Because she’s everything I want but she’s not ready to settle down. Just like how I wasn’t 3 years ago. I wish things were different. Not necessarily with us, just in general. I wonder if you will ever read these. But I just wanted to say, you will always have the most soothing voice I have ever heard in my life. I was talking about guitar and I said that I’m not that good. But you just turned around, smiled and said “you could be” and honeslty you could of put me to sleep

[radishesx]

May 14 2018 Dude find another Smoothie place if you are going to come in here and be a douche bag. Smh. You just kind of came in here and just acted really rude.

[radishesx]

May 5 2018 You came into smoothie king a little while back. Well Cameron came in first and I’m so sorry if I was weird or anything. When you came in, generally I was nervous I would say the wrong thing. I probably did. I showed you my tattoos.

[radishesx]

April 4 2018 My birthday is in a day. Crazy that I'll finally be an adult. The reason I'm writing to you today is because an event from my "days till" app came up and it broke my heart. I made a event for my 18th birthday. And it didn't have balloons and explanation marks. Instead it said "when I get to love." And at 14 it was like thousand plus days. And I made it for you. That when we are finally 18 I'll love you the way you deserve because I'll finally be allowed to. Honestly that's pretty heart breaking.

[radishesx]

March 31 2018 So here I am again because I'm lost. Recently I have been losing a lot. I lost Claire as a friend a while ago now. And it really sucks because she was my best friend for years. She knew me like the back of my hand. She was always there for me. And now she's gone and I miss her so much. I don't have anyone to talk to so I guess you will do. Jenny. Well it's her birthday today. 5 days away from my birthday. Being an adult isn't that exciting I hear. But anyway, I got jenny these like 100$ logic concert tickets and belly button rings and face masks. And man I fucking spoil that bitch. I don't remember the last time I got something for myself. And she just you know is planning to break up with me. Which I know because she told me we need to talk. She's such a manipulative bitch and I just. I gave everything. Like Mary you don't understand I was the model girlfriend. I did everything she wanted, I was 100% faithful and loving. She was sad ? I drove 20 mins to see her and bring her food. Every time. Like I have been a bad girlfriend many times but I put my all in this and still it comes back shit and it always does. Even when I try I still lose. She's bad for me and I know it. She makes me cry. But of course she has to leave me on my birthday too. I just like hope she realizes after I'm gone like what she had. She was like me when I was with you. I was wild and I wanted to experience everything and i told her a billion times that it's not more important. I told her about you and that if I could go back I would give that all up if I meant I could just have the one person who treated me right and loved me. But she's just too young too naive. She needs to realize it for herself. I'm just done crying but still the tears keep rolling in. It's 2am and I just want to sleep. I'm tired in general. And I just miss her. I miss her like crazy and don’t get me wrong I talk a lot of bad about her because this is my safe place to rant not because she’s not also amazing. She is. I mean there has to be a reason I fell for her right? I just hate that some things get so lost in translation and become so complicated I also hung out with a friend and we just talked about the world and how we thought about stuff. And no one thinks like I do. Or let's me finish talking. Noones as messed up as I am. Or can relate to a dead poet. And the "in my head Mary" well she does understand me. And in my head we just sit st the beach and talk and yell and laugh about our lives for the past couple years. And you listen to me and pat my shoulder when I cry. And you just understand my theories of the world. I just wish that person existed.

[radishesx]

March, 25 2018 I had this dream with you in it. I was somewhere and we bumped into each other and you just started catching up with me. And towards the end you said "I heard about jenny." And you smiled at me. I instantly started getting nervous but I don't know why. Almost like im not suppose to be with a girl because my girl will always somehow be you. But you just looked at me slowly and said you were proud of me. And even though it was a dream I fucking felt that. It's almost like you reached all the way down my body and just squeeze my lungs. It wasn't necessarily in a bad way, it just stopped my breathing for a second. Because I knew this same situation make me a "sinner" "disgusting" and an "embarrassment. To my family and many other people that I adore. So the fact that you told me that you were proud of me, fuck that meant something even if it's just a dream. Also you went to Sally's recently and I saw you through the window at work. I always want to say that you don't matter as much as you used to. And sure I don't write to you much because I don't think about you as often. You are just a happy memory of someone I used to know. But I saw you. And it made me glad that I don't see you a lot because I actually started shaking. I was hoping you would come into smoothie king. All I wanted was for you to smile at me but when you just left without coming in, I realized that it was probably better that way.

[radishesx]

March 8 2018 I have had a really shitty day. I got my period today when it was about six days early so I did not think I would be getting it today so I was not prepared. Plus to that because of that happening I was almost late to work so when I was trying to park I hit a sign and there's this huge dent in my car. My dad's going to kill me when I get home. Work really sucked. It's also my friends birthday tomorrow and I completely forgot, I forget the most important stuff sometimes. Now it's about 8 o'clock at night and I'm running around trying to find some sort of make up and balloons to get her for tomorrow. My girlfriend, her name is Jenny in case I didn't tell you before, she's being a little bitch right now. I just hate this living on the edge kind of garbage. She always has me wondering if she's going to break up with me. We just had our four month anniversary and I thought things are going great but sometimes she just gets in these bad moods. And everybody has bad moods right? And it should be fine because I have bad moods too but in my bad moods I still kind of want to talk to her about it and I still want to love her and Pay attention to her when I can and if I just can't I let her know that I just need a little time to cool off from anger. But with her she gets in a bad mood and then she talks about how she's unhappy with us and it's really not fair because for the last three years I've been so fucking miserable and this is the first time I'm fucking happy. I’m just trying to do what I can to make her happy. And make it right. I'm just so scared all the time that she's gonna runaway. It feels like no matter how hard I try I just feel like I'm going to end up alone with no future. No matter how much of a good person I've been for the last two years it doesn't matter because I hurt some people when I was a dumb 14-year-old girl. No matter what I feel like I can't escape from my own Karma when I feel like I've been hit by karma at least 12 times. When of my going to get a break? I'm not saying anything that I've ever done the past that was shitty is OK but I'm just saying that I think it's time for me to finally be happy isn't it? Why can't i just find some person who loves me and I love them and things just kind of flow smoothly? I know that that is a surreal dream because things never follow exactly the way that you want them to but maybe I would just like someone who won't give up too easily. She's just so naïve and new to dating into everything that it scares me that she just wants to go out and live her life and not be held down. Then again I'm not holding her down at all except the fact that she can't sleep at other people but really the only thing I'm holding back for her is STDs and a broken heart. But I understand how life works and sometimes no matter how much you love someone and how much you wanted to work out he just doesn't sometimes. I just wish life was a little bit easier and I know that when I slip into an adult hood soon enough that it will come, but easiness I hope. I know you are definitely into adulthood, you slipped into adulthood at the age of 14. You have been mature and smart and sensible since the beginning and that's one of the best things I love about you. Whoops I guess I didn't really mean love I guess I kind of meant like... Anyway the point is I just needed some where the rant and you just happen to be the perfect listener I hope things start to turn around for me soon.

[radishesx]

February 16 2018 My girlfriend and I talked about you in depth today. She said that you are the only ex that she doesn't feel jealous of or doesn't make her feel upset in any way. She says that she likes you and that you were always good to me from what I have told her. She says even in the tone of my voice when I say your name she can just tell that I loved you and that it meant something. She also asked me if situations were different, would I get back together with you. And you know maybe a year ago I would have said yes, I would have said yes without even thinking. But today I took a deep breath and I said no. I said no because I don't know you anymore, you aren't the person that I fell in love with. I'm not saying that in a bad way, it's just the truth then she asked what if we became closer and the both of us became friends and I got to know you all over again and I got to relearn all of your quirks and all the things you love; then would I want to be with you? You know I thought about it and I wanted to say yes but instead I said no again. I just simply said no because you deserve better and even though if I had a second chance I would do everything right this time. I would give you everything and there wouldn't be a single thing I'd hold back. I would bring you flowers weekly and chocolates and give you everything that I possibly could. I would put everything into loving you because I would never ever ever want to lose you again. But I said no because even in all that, you deserve better. because even if I gave everything I had it wouldn't be enough because you deserve the whole world and you deserve someone who wasn't stupid enough to mess it up the first time. You deserve someone who gets it right the first time and sadly that wasn't me even though I wish so bad that it was and that I'm sure my life would be 100% different then what it is right now. The horrible things I went through I wouldn't have had to go through because I would've had you and you would have kept me safe all these years. You would have kept me away from the biggest broken heart I'll probably ever have in my lifetime, actually two broken hearts. I wouldn't have lost so many friends and I wouldn't have fallen into the hands of boys who don't know how to love girls. Boys who don't know how to treat us with respect and keep their hands to themselves when asked. And a lot of the time I just wish I never went through any of that stuff because my life will never be the same again. I hurt all the time and I often wonder what it would be like we were celebrating our four year anniversary. I told her that I was stupid and that I will probably regret it for the rest of my life. As soon as I said these words I instantly felt bad because if I was with you I would've never met her and she is the love of my life. So I instantly wanted to fix what I said and I tried to say that I don't regret meeting her or anything like that. But she just hushed me and said she understood. She said that she knows that somehow deep down I still really care about you and love you and that it took a lot of maturity to say no to what she asked. I told her that you still scare the living shit out of me. I'm constantly wanting to see how yu are but I know that I probably won't ever ask. I told her that I want to visit you at work and maybe there I can see how you are. She says I should do it. And maybe I will. I'd love for you to meet her someday. Maybe we will come in together sometime. I just know that you would enjoy her and I want her to meet you. And I just love that she’s so mature about things. That she doesn’t just get all jealous and freak out when I talk about you. She seems to grow more and more each day and I’m proud of her. I used to worry about her sentiment scale and stuff but I don’t worry so much anymore. She is herself and that’s I need. She loves me for me and I couldn’t have asked for better. I hope your Valentine's Day was great.

[radishesx]

February 2 2018 Hey it was your birthday a couple days ago and I thought about texting you but like honestly I wouldn't be able to handle it if I worked up the courage to message you first and you ignored me or reacted badly so it's better if I just stay away. Anyway, 18 is a big deal so happy birthday !! 🎂 I hope your day was amazing and you continue to have a great life.

[radishesx]

January 7 2018 Happy new year. It's a little late but oh well. Sometimes I forget to tell you holiday things but im sure you don't give a shit. I was caught up in my feels earlier today. I was thinking about how everything was years ago. And how even my mind was so naive. Even my mind was different. I was just remembering how I used to think and I was so dumb. I was so not complex. And now I'm so complex I feel like no one understands me. I'm with this amazing girl. Which freaks me out because I haven't been with a girl in like years. Actually years. And it's crazy. I forgot how to do all the stuff I used to but at the same time it's like muscle memory. She's just not been through anything and I just have such a complex mind. I'm so damaged. And I thought I was bad freshman year, who knew I would get so fucked through the years that I have trouble loving people. I feel like she might leave me soon. But that was the reason for the military. So I could avoid love since it seems that I am incapable. I just end up breaking people or getting broken. But I hope she doesn’t. I hope she sticks around. Because we both have plans with our lives and they might not involve each other. And that’s okay. But still, she makes my heart race. She was my news years kiss. And I want her to be all my New Years kisses. Sometimes we over complicate things. We over complicate forever but it doesn’t have to be. All I know is how she makes me feel and personally I don’t have to know much else. Who’s going to deal with me like she does ? Who’s going to make me laugh like she does?whos going to annoy me in the cute way like she does ? No one. Because she’s one of a kind. And gosh I’m scared. I’m scared of falling in love with her because she’s this insane force of nature, that could topple over me at any second. She’s the opposite of me. She’s more wild and more dangerous. She doesn’t plan ahead, she doesn’t take her time. She’s impulsive and crazy but I love it. She conpletes me. She makes the other side of me. I’m the side she needs. The side that does plan and the side that takes care of her. And the side that keeps us out of trouble. She’s what I need and I’m what she needs. Gosh it’s beautiful the way it all works out. Please be safe out there.

[radishesx]

December 14 2017 It's Christmas time, and it's super cold. My guitar concert was last week, kinda sad you didn't come. But I realize you have better things to do. Today was Claire's concert, you weren't there either as far as I know. I hope you are well. It's gonna be three years soon and like I don't know. It's weird. I don't know you anymore. It's weird feeling. I don't really know what I'm talking about. It's just been a minute before I wrote so I thought why not. I just wanted to tell you that I'm healing. Things have gotten a lot better for me. My girlfriend has decided that I’m more important than all the stuff we fight about. I’m falling for her so hard. And it’s the little things like the way she touches my side or the way she kisses my cheek. It’s the way she looks at me and says I’m everything to her. It’s only been a month with her but I can see this becoming something I have wanted for years now. I just have wanted to love someone in that beautiful, over the top, disgusting way again and here she is. I really hope she falls for me too. I don’t want to fall without her and I don’t want to fall without a parachute but I will if it means she’s falling with me. I know you are happy with him and I’m happy for you. Things are looking up for us. You have met the man of your dreams. Maybe your soulmate and maybe I finally found mine. I found the one who’s going to change everything. If I don’t write to you again, I wish you guys a happy Christmas from me and my girl :)

[radishesx]

November 7 2017 I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like shit. I'm in a relationship now. An open one. And it's what I used to want. To fuck around because I'm too young to settle down. But god damn, I grew up. And when I wanted that as a freshman, I lost the one person who truly loved me. My forever. And that's you. So this fucking sucks. Because I really like her but she blows me off for her friends and she barely texts me back. And deep in my mind I know she could have her tongue down someone's throat that's not mine. I want to cry...

[radishesx]

November 6 2017 Holy fuck she's beautiful. She makes my heart race. But our time is limited. She's going into the navy and I'm doing the marines still. We have 9 months to love and it's not enough she says. She says that she will fall for me and then she will end up heart broken. But I want it anyway. I mean, we left each other broken and I don't know your side but I don't regret it. Because I had it, you know? I had love that had no boundaries. I had love that was more than the ones in books. And I want her to have that too. And I want to feel that again. But see the problem is. With every person I meet they are missing something that I crave. She's wonderful. Her humor is like mine. She cuddles me perfectly. Her hand fits in mine like a puzzle piece. But, she doesn't seem to care for my stories. She couldnt care less about my poetry. She doesn't really want to talk about the universe and the stars. She's not fond of them. Is she not fond of me? She's not broken. And that's so rare and wonderful in an age like this. But I love the damaged ones. I mean if only you saw me now, I'm much more damaged than you have ever seen, I promise. She hasn't experienced heartbreak yet. She hasn't experienced excruciating pain. No one has broken her. Not a parent, not a lover, not a friend. For she doesn't care for my pain, and when I talk about you. She doesn't quite understand. She has all the right features, but I'm so lonely now a days. And not physically, I'm blessed with an abundance of friends. But mentally, no one knows how to listen anymore. So I keep my mouth shut, and I write to you. An ex of about 2 years ago. Someone who might never read these pathetic letters. And someone who just doesn't care anymore, not after all this time. But still sometimes I feel like you do still care. Once in a while. But her, she's wonderful, I say this many times, to assure myself, not to assure you. But she's not deep enough. She doesn't want to know my soul. I was spoiled. You loved me too god damn good. Too fuvking soon in my life, and now no one compares. You feasted on my soul. And many can't even bother to take a sample. I will probably die alone.

[radishesx]

October 31 2017 Happy Halloween :) Emily is the rudest, most disrespectful bitch there is. Im just saying.

[radishesx]

October 30 2017 Dear you, I'm not sure why I'm so formal this time. I'm a complete wreck. I wish I could explain to you what my life is like. I wish I could explain how I can never love again. I'm so upset. This is why I'm going away, so I can go forever. God who am I ? I have been drunk for three days straight. I just can't breathe.

[radishesx]

October 23 2017 I went on a date with a girl. Been a long time since I have tasted the sweet softness of them. She is beautiful. And I didn't think of you. And when she asked about you, I told her and only a smile came across my face. I told her that I was in love once, with a beautiful shy girl. And we got torn away by mistakes and hurricanes. She asked where you are now, and I said happy.