raehighness - Tumblr blog

[raehighness]

[raehighness]

[raehighness]

it's a lonely world we live in filled with fake smiles and evil eyes. even sleep can't hide the pain inside. dreams turn into movies where you watch yourself die. no longer a point to search for happy smiles. they're all lies. no more reasons to try.

[raehighness]

it's sucks that some of the people you love most will put everything else before you😒🖕🏾

[raehighness]

I hate feeling dirty after masturbating, but I'm glad I'm not the only one😁

[raehighness]

it's sad that as soon as the internet was created it took over the world. case in point me coming on here to bitch about my life since I made the decision to ditch Facebook once again to get away from all the painful memories and negativity that kept popping up. Some the internet is used for attention because as humans we get lonely and want people to pay attention to us. I'm over it. why ask for attention if it's just going to be ignored? so I think I have finally decided to let Facebook go, because it brings nothing beneficial to my life except keeping me in touch with some of my loved ones. in all actuality I still have Facebook I just deleted the apps off my phone. the only way I could keep playing my games with all my hard work was to not deactivate my Facebook which is what I actually wanted to do.

Facebook has taken over as well. already one day after I kept thinking of whatever was going on and I wanted to post it to Facebook until I remembered my decision and that it's going to take a lot of self-control to stay away from that. the people I love and I know love me know how to find me so it doesn't matter that I'm not on Facebook. Tumblr will be my release of all that builds up inside of me. Tumblr is better, because you can say whatever you want and receive no judgment from anybody.

all the words build up inside can just be let go here and I know no one will follow me here to read anything that I have inside. such is my life.

I like it better here.

[raehighness]

I wonder who's crying themselves to sleep tonight? waiting to lose consciousness is depressing. I'd feel so much better if it was just the lack of meds, but unfortunately for me meds are just forcing me to not feel shit I already know is there.

ugh fuck this shit. sleep it is.

hope everyone has better luck than me.

sweet dreams

[raehighness]

I shouldn't be reminded of the pain I caused myself so I wouldn't have to feel it on the inside. I'm still bleeding you just can't see it.

I shouldn't have to tell myself over and over that playing with blades still doesn't fix anything.

I shouldn't have to tell myself but to punch walls because everything in feeling is too much at one time.

I shouldn't be filled with so much and that I rather hurt myself just to make it stop.

I'm abandoned every chance allowed it's just not seen that way.

I shouldn't have too run to Tumblr, because this is the only place that really listens even though I don't have anyone here.

I shouldn't have to....I just shouldn't have to do anything that killed me inside.

I shouldn't have to when everyone know stress kills me every day. someone just don't see it unless they can with their eyes. you wouldn't want to.

the darkness I feel within I can only release here and not have to care or feel like I'm searching for pity.

I don't want anything from anyone. I wish I was enough for the people that only want more.

sitting in a lifetime size waiting room only for what's wanted not what was already given.

I finally fully realized that it won't matter if I'm gone I was just making shit easier.

speaking always and not getting heard. getting yelled at for not showing loud enough.

I repeat myself more than people know, because people weren't listening the first ten times.

it's my fault for not knowing better.

it's my fault for not letting go of people who clearly don't want or need me anymore.

I guess Im just chasing people and didn't even know it.

it's okay I'm sitting down now. I won't be chasing anyone anymore.

why die for people who wouldn't think twice? it only matters in the moment when I'm walking I'm fine and I can go back to do people tasks.

I'm tired and angry and sad and depressed and instead of bothering with my time asking for a hug I rather punch a fucking wall and I'm getting closer to doing it. at least I don't bleed for anyone anymore.

venting and getting angry at myself for it. what does that say 😂

that's what blunts are for cuz I can't stop loving people. that's just me, but I get shit for that too. it's great when I'm good and do what's wanted, but once I speak up apparently I'm the one that's stupid.

it's hard being me when I have so much anger inside.

it's even more tiring forcing myself to be me anyway.

I get peace nowhere even when it's quiet.

[raehighness]

today I need someone, but I'm too scared to ask even while I'm crying for no reason. I hate man made meds

[raehighness]

I feel like shit today and don't have anyone that can understand. I'm fighting, but it's hard and I'm trying to just not give up and take a nap. I have nothing else. I hate when anti depressants get delayed cuz my meds are out my system and I'm not feeling it. my body hurts and I can't decide what to eat. sigh whatever I guess. I'm worn out.

[raehighness]

who am I? I still don't know my purpose and it hurts. like having a painful moment replay over and over again.

I'm still hurting about things I shouldn't be. it's always because I give everything I am and then I'm left with nothing when they're gone.

my heart. I'm still hurting about letting go of someone I was ready to spend my life with. it hurts so bad. I'm still waking up from nightmares gasping for air. my heart hurting, my head aching, and none of it was real.

so many words I want to get out and beating myself up about some of them.

I knew better, but I tried to find love again. the longest time I've ever had love and I had to give it up. it's okay if I'm the bad guy. I know why even if no one else cares and that's all the matters. I know why.

it's funny how the first and the last ended the same.

my first love crushing my heart and replacing me in two weeks.

my future life, my love, and everything I had that made life worth it and she replaced me in two weeks too.

I laugh about it.

promises to not be like my exes and then being the one that broke me the most.

I can't do all this hurting for another three years. my heart and body aren't strong anymore.

they'll have a piece of my heart forever. they opened my eyes to love and pain all at the same time.

she'll never know how hard it was for me and I don't remember if I told her why, but it doesn't matter now.

I have to push through the pain again. I have to keep reminding myself why I had to walk away.

one of the things that hurts the most is finding out that the one you love most isn't who they were making themselves out to be.

I know better now.

it's funny how much my mom and my ex hated each other and they ended up being a lot a like.

they both even killed me on the inside in ways I never thought possible.

You both opened my eyes to the truth of the world and taught me to not trust so easily. people can pretend to be whatever they want to whoever they want. I will love both of you forever for opening my eyes. thank you for teaching me to pay attention to everything.

I hate that being replaced brings up so many unanswered questions that'll I'll never have answers to.

replaced in two weeks.

did you cheat on me?

was everything a lie?

was I used?

who are you really?

the words wouldn't matter because my trust has been broken.

it's better to just stay away and suffer quietly like the rest.

so much to say and it's just a swirl of confusion I never know what to say next.

I have no one I can talk to about my pain from the past. no one ever really listens and nobody wants to. I'm not supposed to be bothered by these things anymore and yet here I am.

curse my heart for the pain it leaves me to face alone.

so many questions.

why why why

to think all of this started because I had a bad dream about my ex, but it's hard to just forget over a year of your life.

here I am alone and I should be used to it. comforted by the familiarity.

but that's not the heart I was given.

all of this to spend my day filled with auras and the fear of dropping anywhere. walking up in the hospital will change your life especially when you find out you slept through some days of it.

no one to talk to about my health or seizures. no one like me that would understand.

it just scares everyone or makes them sad.

nobody wants to deal with that.

so here I am alone again and I should just learn to be fine.

thank God for Mary Jane. I'd be lost forever.

and I already lost my roadmap lol

[raehighness]

❤️❤️❤️

A Blacksmith’s Dream

[raehighness]

I hate Christmas and I can't even say why cuz it'll just ruin everyone else's Christmas. I'm not that person. my idea of Christmas was shattered a long time ago and it's never coming back.

sending your kid away on Christmas to try and make them straight. something I'll never forget.

I always feel misunderstood. some people just don't understand or care.

oh well I guess.

another Christmas remembering my parents didn't like who I was.

fun times

[raehighness]

this is the only place I can talk freely without fear of consequence. it sucks and it hurts that people won't listen or change or do something different. self centered and inconsiderate. they come to the same conclusion that I was already saying and act like they didn't hear me.

they don't hear or listen. not that it matters. nobody changes for the better. everything turns into an argument when it doesn't have to be.

Everything is just stressful and the people that could help the most are the ones who just make it worse.

it was like this already. you'd think it'd get better because of my health stuff, but that just shows me more how much it doesn't matter.

I'm stupid for still getting my hopes up when I know it's never going to change.

why am I here if I'm nothing? that's basically it. I am nothing. I am defective lol.

legally by the United States of America I am good for nothing. they give me money for it, but it doesn't make me feel better. it means that I'm seen as unable to take care of myself. that just hit me right now that that's basically is what it is. I feel even awesomer now.

I dunno why I'm here. it hurts that I don't do anything I love anymore. I don't think I'm good enough anymore. I can't even find the motivation, because I think I'll just fail before I even start. lol I'm lame and I know it.

2020 is hell and it's breaking me down.

I'm worn out.

I'm drained.

I'm tired.

I'm empty.

I'm done.

[raehighness]

sometimes I wish I could have kids and right now I'm glad I don't have kids. talking to my niece about whatever just turns into an argument.

[raehighness]

I haven't cut in years, but today my mom made me want to. my mom's love is great.

[raehighness]

this world is so crazy. this life is just waiting. the love is still there. even if no one's there to catch it. no the heart is crushed. the love never fails. just the heart returning to the pain. hoping things will change.