rafa-live-journal - Tumblr blog

[rafa-live-journal]

Today I was talking to my only college friend and she told me all about how the guys had a chart of pretty girls for our course. And I was not surprised at all. But the fact that I get along with them to the minimum extent is disgusting. And we're stem majors, so the steryotype aplies to probably almost every guy in our course and I feel terrible for not having any friends but at the same time, would I want to be friends with these people?

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live-watching twilight rn, comments ahead

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this seems crazy to write. tomorrow i’m going to spain. my first time in that country in the middle of a pandemic with a friend i haven’t been feeling great about as of lately. she doesn’t know it, and i just think we stand in different places about each other right now which is totally understandable. we are totally different people, and i’m growing up, and last year i was trying to be like her. that’s why she was the perfect match, but after quarantine, i understood i am who i always was, and last year i was trying something as a coping mechanism.

anyway, about the trip. i stand very conflicted about me having accepted to go. i just dont know how to say no, and at the time she convinced me this was a good idea. and there’s no reason for it not to be, (we will be as protected as can be), axcept for the fact that i dont think i will be confortable. (to be continued)

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MANIFESTATION AUGUST 27TH

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

Please don't let me or anyone in my family catch covid-19

[rafa-live-journal]

im gonna die young. i dont care for my health cause i don’t fancy wasting years of my life working to then be too old to enjoy a nice walk on the beach, or retirement. but when i do die, i wont be thinking about the stuff i did to fit in. the people i didnt like but that i wanted to be seen with because they were popular. i don’t like them. 

when i was in college everything that was happening was incredibly awesome and the memories kept playing in my mind. but i came home and in 4 months i erased every one of those memories. because none of it lasted. for other people, sure it did, they kept the friends, they are out making more memories. but for me? i had kept one friend, and now we also don’t talk anymore. it’s fine, i dont want to. she was my best friend in college and now i dont feel excitment any time she tags me on intagram. nothing from college stayed: the memories, the people, the lessons, nothing. now all of it just feels like a blur, a dream i once had but it didnt even matter. 

and thats how i know that whatever that experience was, it wasn’t for me. social interactions aren’t for me. i dont enjoy them, i think i do, but what i like is to feel like i have friends. but i dont, they vanished away because of the distance, and when i was with them, i didnt even like them to begin with. so whenever i get back, i hope i remember that all the experiences i had trying to fit in and be outgoing didn’t last. i didn’t feel the excitement of the experiences because they were outshined by the anxiety of the unknown. and now, after a while i dont even remember them. because they weren’t important, didn’t change me or add anything to my life in the long term. so im not so sad about what i missed out or will miss out, because what is meant to happen can’t be forced and can’t feel that wrong.

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So since like 8th grade the only people besides my mom who have said I'm pretty we're this two girls (about 7 or 8 yo) that were working with us for a church thing. And they were so sweet, one turned at me and said "can I tell you something? I think you're very beautiful!" And the other girl right away turned at me and said 'i think that too!!" Now that I think about it, it might have just been the girls being super competitive against each other and competing by seeing who would get my attention. But I believed it at the time and I still wanna believe it now. But how crazy is it that no one has told me I'm pretty in 5 years? Not even friends. And this is probably one of the reasons why I can't take compliments. Because I grew up never having them. Sad.

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A parte triste do levantamento do estado de emergência e calamidade e o c4r4lh0 a 4 é o facto de que eu continuo sem poder sair de casa pq n tenho amigos 😪

[rafa-live-journal]

Y'all I just realized smt and im not sure how I feel about it. So one time I was leaving a chemistry test and it was raining like shit and it was dark night so yeah, horror movie type shit. Most people weren't leaving cause they were waiting for the rain to slow down. My roommate tells me she's not going home with me cause she's gonna spend the night with her boyfriend, no biggie. So everyone is inside talking but I have no friends so I get overwhelmed by all of it so I think, ok, I'm gonna go home, I don't wanna be here sneaking into conversations with people who don't want me in them, says my anxiety. Besides, I'm not afraid of rain, it's just water, it's not like im gonna turn into a mermaid if I get wet. Mind you, I'm a girl. Anyway, I leave campus and it's pouring!!! It's really intense but I give zero fucks as I'm dueling about the test thinking about how bad it went. Suddenly this guy starts looking at me, and it's this guy I have a crush on. Ohh I couldn't be happier! And he as an umbrella, so I immediately sneak under it. So we go all the way to the subway but he doesn't take the subway so I'm like, uhmm, why are you coming all the way here? And he's like "oh I'm dropping you here" and I'm like, oh my God that's so nice, (that's why I'm in love with you, damn) thanks and in my mind I'm like, damn, the rain is not that dangerous or like anything worth losing time over, he could really have dropped me at wherever he needed to and I could walk the rest on the rain, it's not that big of a deal, so he was really nice to do that, but then I think nothing more of it. The next day I even brought my umbrella in case it would rain again and when I see him I go like "oh look, you should be proud of me, today I brought my umbrella hahahahha" and he is looking dead serious at me like he didn't understand the joke. I was like "joke, laugh, funny" (jk I didn't have tiktok back then). But anyways, I'm just like, ok he doesn't understand my joke, my humor is very sofisticated obv. Or his sense of humor sucks, that's why he didn't think it was funny. Anyway, cut to me 4 months later at night trying to sleep when all my memories come to my mind (specially this one memory of the beginning of the semester that went terribly, so my mind tries to bury that shit and never think of it again so instead it brings up other memories, specially this one). So I'm rethinking everything and suddenly it clicks. IM A GIRL. IM A FUCKING GIRL. Do you see the problem?? I described a perfect horror movie scenario of the dark rainy night, and I'm a girl walking home alone in that dark night!! There was literally nobody else in the street at the time, so God knows what could have happened to me! So now I'm wondering, is that why the guy actually took me all the way to the subway where it would finally be safe? And the problem wasn't the rain but yes the fact that it was dark and I was a girl going home alone? THAT'S WHY THE UMBRELLA JOKE WASN'T FUCKING FUNNY!! WTF. Anyway, I really never am very cautious about that cause I'm ugly so i always think that nobody is gonna want to "take" me and I know that's a ridiculous but it's literally how I've always lived my life, and it has worked out so far (except for this one time, but that was different). So never has it ever crossed my mind that I could actually have been in danger that night going home alone in the dark rainy night!

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that moment when your crush is dm’ing you’re friend and you just get to watch it happen and she’s the prettiest girl in class so of course he would be talking to her but never to you even though you’ve tried multiple times but never developed anything because you look like a sack of potatoes, and thats totally fine because you like that, but aparently you’re the only one, and so your friend doesn’t know you like this boy so she is telling you how funny their conversation is, and all you want to do is cry but at the same you feel stupid for feeling sad over a boy but like, you’ve been through ALL of this before!!! and you thought “hahahhaah, no way the same thing is ever gonna happen again, like, i can’t have that kind of bad luck” well guess what bitch, the EXACT same thing is happening because you give up as soon as they start talking to someone else. But at the same time i believe that if it was meant to be, they wouldn’t need to go talk to someone else, and they would actually like you, they would talk to you. Maybe it’s time to let go, even though i dont want to. Maybe i’m meant to die alone. Maybe it’s forever just gonna be me and the music.

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I can't be the only person who feels like she has no friends. Like, the ones I do, I kinda can't trust fully. One because I just met her and I really like her but all my trauma won't allow me to tell her half the shit that goes through my head. And the second one, I tell everything, but she doesn't care, specially since she started talking to guys online. Now I feel like she just doesn't care about me. And I never say anything about what I'm feeling cause that's just the way I am, but I think if I did tell people how I feel, it would be way better, cause we could fix the problem. But I'm just not prepared yet. But one day I will. I hope. But yeah, it gets lonely only having 2 friends. Specially as an 18 year old. It's been like this my whole life which is good in one hand cause I'm used to it, but at the same time it's like, why don't I ever get to enjoy the pleasure of having friends. I had that in 9th grade, but like, was that it?? Is that all I'll ever have? Damn! I think I just need to see things from a different perspective and see myself with other eyes, but right now, this is what we have

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Starting to realize I'm actually super duper insecure and feel like everyone around me hates me and thinks I'm annoying and that's the cause of all my social anxiety and my lack of friends.

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Don't worry I don't think i have the patience to rant right now But I have to get this shit of my chest. Somewhere in the middle of the semester I kinda fell for this guy because he was the best person ever right. But nothing ever happened and he didn't make it seem like he was interested in me. But still I worship(ped) the shit out of that man. But we had the vacations, a month and I came home and had the most boring time, nothing new. I wished every night that God would let something happened between us. I feel so cringy talking about it, but this is the reality. Anyway, my roommate called me saying we should ask him to be on our group for a class in the second semester. And I instantly felt like it was God pulling strings. So yesterday we texted him and he totally ignored it. I get it, I did the same thing with this other guy who asked the same thing. But you only do that to the people you think are dumb or the people you don't like. I might be exaggerating but I might be not. So my mind got to digging a whole deeper and deeper and wondering why the first time I texted him about something else he never read the last text like he had deleted the texts or even blocked me or smt. Why? And why he called my roommate first that one time. And how if she had be the one to text him first, he prolly would have opened the text and answer it right away. And if so, we'd have no chance at even a friendship. But then, I invested so much into them that I feel like I wouldn't like to have any other friends but them. So the idea of having to go back to college and develop friendships with someone other than him and his group doesn't get me really excited. And now I'm like, what if I don't like the second semester?? I already don't think I'm in the right course, imagine if I also had to deal with the weight of not having any friends? Was the first semester really good or was it all my mind not being able to read the situations I went through properly?? Does everyone hate me ?? I'm slightly scared. I really hope God is there for me. I'm putting all my trust in Him. For real. Well I guess I lied. This really was a rant. Sorry 😅

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Here's the thing. I'm shy. I'm super shy because I'm insecure. I always think people are gonna judge me over everything. And that makes me nervous and eventually makes me embarrace myself and everything gets worst. But the thing is, I'm fucking cool!! I cut my hair home alone because my hairdresser wouldn't do it! I moved to a city I barely knew, and I visited the hell out of it alone when I had the chance. I do what I want to, not what people want me to do! I'm the fucking shit! And sure, there's a thousand other people out there who are so much better... But I bet you, a thousand other people think you're life is better. And honestly, it's just balanced. That's life. And if you have confidence in what you are and who you are, those nerves you feel before talking to someone will be gone because you know you are cool as heck so if they don't like you it's their bad. And eventually people will like you because you don't seem like you're about to cry everytime you talk. That's it. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk haahha

[rafa-live-journal]

You could have your choice of men But I could never love again He's the only one for me, Jolene I had to have this talk with you My happiness depends on you And whatever you decide to do, Jolene

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How am I gonna go back home And not have all of this for more than 3 weeks? I'll miss this so bad man I'll miss you so bad And I hate that

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Crouching in the girl's room Trying to collect my mood No one knowing my truth

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How am I supposed to have a chance with you when, out of all the girls you talk to, I'm the only one that isn't literally a model?