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[ragtagdungeoncrawlers]

---A.U. Oneshot!---

“Don’t forget you have a lot of homework to do,” Dr. Alan said to us in his class that we were in at school on Friday. I told him yeah and packed up my bag which had a Green Day sticker on it cuz it’s the best band and I walked out after packing up my bag and leaving the classroom. Behind me was my best friends Selene and Xero.

Selene had long hair and wore a lot of patches on her clothes with cool designs on them. Xero wore a shirt that was printed with like a picture of fire on it like Guy Fieri but actually cool. We were walking out when the foreign exchange student Andromeda popped up behind us. She was really cool and had her hair dyed super blue, but we all thought she was kind of a prep.

“Hey, I’m having a mermaid party tomorrow night and it’d be cool if you guys came,” she said in her Canadia axe hint, because she’s from Canada. “It’s gonna be super chill.

Selene squinted and growled with one eye winking and biting her lip. She turned to the side and chuckled. “Sorry, I have band practice” she screamed.

Xero nodded sagely

“I would, but I have theatre practice,” Selene whimpered.

“Band and theatre?” I asked incredibly, laughing.

“Extra credit!” She whispered, running down the hallway to get to the bandroom and theatre. They were the same room at our school, probably because of bidet cuts or whatever.

“I heard Artemis is coming, though, so you should, too?” Andy, which was Andromeda’s nickname because Canadians are too polite to make you say the whole name every time, said.

“Artemis? That prep bitch?” I asked, chalking. “No way. She’s the most popular girl in school.”

“How do you say, uh, eh?” Andy asked.

“She’s like an angel,” I said.

Just then she walked by, she had this blonde hair that was really light and seemed to glow like she just contoured and put on extra highlighter. She was tall and wore a lot of Abercrombie and Fitch. I think her earrings were from Claire’s. Rest in peace.

“Wait, wait!” a boy yelled, chasing after her. It was Calvin, her best friend. He was the captain of the science squad and prefect of our year, but got along with her real well even though she was a total prep. It was kind of cool seeing them hang out because they were super different. Kind of like how Selene was a theatre geek and I was wearing a Jack Skellington shirt and had pink hair and Xero was wearing raver pants and lots of safety pins. Being different was the only way!

“We’re definitely going,” I said, nodding.

“Don’t forget your homework,” Dr. Alan said, running past us in the naruto run pose. He was off to ninja practice, because he was a ninja on the weekends. He thought we didn’t know, but one time, our friend Nibbles saw him.

Nibbles was called that because he was always eating, even though he wasn’t fat or anything. He was currently in Canada on an exchange program with Andromeda’s school, but he was set to come back I think sometime soon even though Andy was staying here which was really cool and we were all really happy about that because we liked her, too.

“Homework!” Dr. Alan shrieked as he threw a smokebomb on the ground.

That party was going to change our lives forever!

A/N don’t forget to like and subscribe and rate/review chapter two coming soon!!!!1

[ragtagdungeoncrawlers]

CHAPTER TWO

She awoke in a bundle of frayed nerves and headaches, blearily wincing out under her shelf of hair. The tip of her pointed, long ears pierced through her hair and stuck out, trapped on the outside of her hood like a small shrub in a high wind. One eye, the one that could open and focus right now, surveyed the blurred room while her stomach called out for water and probably more ale, if she were being honest with herself. When they locked onto Aether, who sat in a chair, reading a small book, she sat up quickly, ignoring the nausea, and pointed at him with an accusatory finger.

“Who are you?” She demanded, all disheveled feelings retreating, replaced by innate defensiveness and self-preservation. “What are you doing? Who are you?”

“Selene, I presume?” he said, chuckling slightly.

“That’s Aether,” Calvin said helpfully, grinning at her. “He and I are partners… for the time being.”

“You’re a kid.” Selene had said that simply. It was pretty obvious he was young.

“I am young, but certainly old enough to go on an adventure! In fact, my brother—“ he began.

“—I don’t care about your brother,” she snapped.

“I’m Aether,” he said, bowing slightly. As he was still seated, it was a strange move.

“Half-Elf.” Again, Selene had that “simply put” thing down pat.

Aether nodded and smiled. “Well met.”

The door opened with a brief knock, swinging wide to reveal the barrel chested frame of the imposing bartender, green skin glinting gold in the candlelight. He walked in casually, as though he owned the place, and squatted down next to Selene, beaming at her.

“Your head looks okay, you had another tumble last night,” he offered, propping her up. She attempted to remove her elbows from his hands and feigned anger, but between her familiarity with the man, his overwhelming aura of kindness, and her wicked hangover, she was standing in no time. Bill disappeared behind the door and entered again immediately with a large tankard of water.

“Drink that,” he said.

“Ale?” She answered, a ray of hope shining in her otherwise bloodshot eyes.

“Water, with the amount you drink, you should be a seven hundred year old raisin,” he chuckled.

Calvin widened his eyes at this and his mouth dropped open, but Selene quickly mentioned she was nowhere near that old. Bill was simply jesting. The bartender slapped her shoulder and wished her well, leaving on the pretense of giving the new teammates time to get to know each other.

As the door clicked, so did Bill’s parting words.

“Teammates?” Selene crowed gutturally. “I work best alone. Surely Bill is confused, that man has broken up one too many barfights.”

“And you’ve probably instigated the majority of them,” Aether added helpfully. Still smiling his stupid big grin. “Alas, we’re mates for now. It’s a great job. We look out for you, you look out for us. We’re practically being paid to be friends.”

“Aether!” Calvin yelled, taking a step forward and gesturing wildly.

“It’s a joke,” the taller one chirped, standing up slowly. “I’m a performer and he is known to do a bit of magic, but we need someone with your particulars. Someone with finesse and discretion, someone who could help us navigate the areas around town.”

“Bill’s idea,” Calvin said, “But we would certainly accept your help gladly. Please consider this arrangement.”

“As long as we’re back at sundown. And you’re buying my drinks.”

Aether blanched at her remark, “Sadly, there isn’t enough coin in the world.”

 Hours later the group found themselves in front of a towering man in uniform, who identified himself as Dorgor the Knight Commander. Next to him with a shock of red hair and a large beard was a dwarf in plated armor. They were arguing amongst themselves quietly, hissed words and vibrant gestures thrown about like alfalfa sprouts at stables.

“They couldn’t manage. The three of them would die in seconds,” the dwarf spat out, unconcerned with volume.

The Knight Commander straightened his spine and looked at the three.

“Our men spotted a band of cultists near by. We’re busy running the guards and there seem to be no groups free to investigate. I’m hesitant to send you three, but I might have no choice,” Knight Commander Dorgor responded. The dwarf next to him nodded furiously.

“None meant for offense,” the dwarf explained. “You seem capable. I simply don’t think you’d survive.”

Aether chuckled, “Well put. We’ll be on our way, sorry to disappoint.”

Calvin stamped his foot impetuously. “No!”

Selene groaned loudly.

“We have to help,” Calvin exclaimed with a sweeping motion. “This town has been very hospitable. We can’t let there be a lingering squad of cultists around ready to lay siege at any moment. They’ll raid the village and it’ll be because we didn’t stop them. It’s not right!”

“It wouldn’t be our fault,” Aether countered, looking to Selene. “Technically, the guards are responsible for guarding. If they fail to do so, that’s kind of on them, really.”

Dorgor held out three satchels of coin. “Here. Payment. Now you are conscribed into service. Your guards now.”

“Oh,” Aether sighed, “This is going to be a bother, isn’t it.”

“Truer words were never spoken,” came Selene’s defeated response.

The Knight Commander issued them on their way, informing them of the two waiting for them. A paladin and her charge would be at the gates at sundown, ready to meet anyone else ready for the job. The rest of the day was theirs to enjoy, as the night would surely bring its own strains of despair.

Aether had lost track of his two teammates in spectacular fashion, wondering where to they could have run. If his brief time with Selene was any help, she would be three mugs in at Bill’s, while Calvin was probably off kissing a flower or something. They would meet up under cover of night and explore the camp’s suspected location, and Aether was not looking forward to it.

When the sun had cradled the horizon and the sounds of night began slowly seeping in, Andromeda, Artemis, and Selene had gathered by the gate, all looking a bit apprehensive.

“How much did he pay you?” Selene asked, her even tone betrayed by eager eyes. “Like, a hundred gold pieces?”

Andromeda cocked her head and blinked a few times. “I didn’t count.”

“Greetings!” Calvin said with a wave and he turned a corner and reached the three. Aether was slowly trailing behind, a lyre in his hands. He plucked away a sad dirge, stepping in time to the music like a funeral march.

“Guess we should get this over with, my dears.”

Artemis piped up with a displeased look, “You’re a musician, shouldn’t you be inspiring?”

“Sorry,” he answered, “my bardic inspiration was all used up chatting up some locals. Would a limerick do?”

It would not, as it turned out.

They made it through the forest quickly, following Selene’s lead. Still a bit drunk from her day-drinking, the elven urchin was still swift and precise. Behind her marched the Triton, swords drawn and at the ready. Next to her was the platinum knight so radiant Calvin thought he saw her almost glowing. Behind them came the bard, careful to step over crunchy looking leaves, even though it took all his willpower not to step directly on them. They just looked so crunchy, it would be a satisfying sound, no doubt.

“Wait!” Selene hissed, holding up a hand. “Ahead.”

They crept to the edge of the forest, eyes darting around for any signs of movement. Through a gap in the woods they could, if climbing on top of each other, get a straight view ahead to a small clearing beyond the thickest of the trees. Selene and Calvin huddled close, clocking the positions of a small group of reptilian creatures, relaxing around a small fire, letting the silver light of the moon break through the trees bask their copper and sienna skins.

“Kobolds,” Selene whispered, pulling out a bow and notching a smooth arrow on its taut string. “And some mercenary looking folk. Most likely their commanders.”

“Kobolds are intelligent,” Aether whispered, “They could be the commanders, don’t be so speciest. They’re like gnome versions of Dragonborn types. You wouldn’t say gnomes aren’t—“

“Now is absolutely not the type, Half-Elf,” Andromeda countered, scales glinting blue and green in the forest’s dim moonlight. “We have duties.”

“Don’t say it!” Calvin snapped in a loud whisper.

“Duties. Duty. Doody.” Aether chuckled.

As he laughed, Selene stood up, still staring ahead. “Well, so much for a sneak attack. They’re running to grab their weapons.”

Artemis grabbed her shield and fixed her grip on a dazzling sword, charging forward without hesitation. Andromeda ran past, determination spreading across her face in a stoic gaze and grim frown. Picking up a few stones, Calvin stumbled forward, his smaller frame deftly passing over the natural terrain like he was one with nature.

Phitt.

The arrow from Selene’s bow carved through the air with a swift ringing sound, piercing through one of the mercenary’s sides as he bent to grab his sword. A guttural howl erupted from his chest as he spun around like a spinning coin, faceplanting in the ground. From her distant grounds of vantage, Selene notched another arrow and steadily moved forward at a steady, methodical pace, all traces of intoxication vanished.

“Let’s finish this quickly, I have a date tomorrow morning!” Aether cried out, darting to the side of the mercenary group. He released an arrow, which went wide, sticking in the ground like a fork in steak. “Do better than me, please.”

His words carried across the wind, silvery and ethereal tendrils wrapping around Andromeda’s wrists as an arcane energy brewed around them. The remaining mercenaries had grabbed their weapons and swung toward the blue-skinned fighter, who dodged all but one of the blows. Reeling a bit from the slice of a blade, she growled and lunged forward, swinging both of her blades. The silver energy cackled as she swung, seemingly letting her blades find better purchase between the slips of their armor.

The blades cleanly slipped through the armor and sunk into the man’s shoulder several inches, the blades meeting at the center of his chest. He stood for a second more before he fell apart from the inside out and tumbled to the ground in two pieces.

Without hesitation, Andromeda turned and leaped at the other man, bringing her blade front and center like a dagger, aiming to pierce the man straight through his stomach. Artemis blocked his wide swing with a shield, halting his arc and leaving his center open to the Triton’s blade. He twisted away but a stone ricochetted off his forehead while green vines erupted from the ground and held his other arm open. Calvin’s arm was connected to the ground, his druidic power fueling the accelerated growth of nature. Tied up and wide open thanks to the two, the Triton’s blade sank cleanly into the bandit mercenary’s center.

Meanwhile, Aether was holding his hands up, now on the other side of the battle, cooing at the Kobolds and distracting them from the fight.

“We’re friends. These people you were following? They’re no match for us. We’re strong, come with us,” Aether said. Calvin paused and turned to his compatriot, confused. Common wasn’t what he was hearing, instead it was a language of guttural hisses, grunts, and gnashing. He recognized it as the language of Dragons. How Aether knew Draconic was beyond him, but Aether did happen to express knowing five languages already. Just another curiosity about the equally arresting and infuriating man.

The Kobolds regarded him carefully, holding their weapons at the ready. A brief moment passed as Artemis, Selene, and Andromeda finished their battle and turned attention to the small sentient lizards.

The Kobolds immediately turned tail and began running through the trees, terror on their face. Only one stayed put, looking at Aether with a curious fascination.

“You… speak me?” The Kobolds said, confused and delighted, “You are dragon? Mom?”

Aether’s use of Draconic was very lacking, but he found the word ringing true in his ears, memories of his Dragonborn tutor coming to him in this moment.

“I’m Mom,” he said, holding his hand out to the Kobold. “I’m Dragon Mom.”

The Kobold sat directly on the ground and began wagging his tail, smiling at Aether, who turned to his group with a wide swing of his arm, saying in their universal language, “This is my daughter, and I love her very much.”

[ragtagdungeoncrawlers]

They met in a tavern, which was pretty typical, all things considered. The young bard, a lithe half-elf with shocking white hair, walked next to a medium sized boy who looked just about ready to enter manhood. The boy, light honey hair and deep eyes, hid his figure with a cloak, keeping one arm entirely obscured from view. Adventurers like these were normal in Grennis. On their ways through, many groups chose to remain private and the townspeople grew to accept it as another interesting facet of life.

For some, getting to know the travelers and pry away secrets was a thrilling game.

The Bard, Aether Vindisae, approached the barkeep, a strong man with his back to the half-elf. The man’s red hair was shaggy, but clean, and fell around the upturned collar of the jacket. The man turned to Aether and Calvin, smiling widely with protruding, sharp teeth.

Aether took a single step back but straightened quick, immediately putting on a wide smile.

“Wasn’t expecting a half-orc?” the barkeep clipped, perturbed at Aether’s lack of decorum.

“Sorry, no. I was expecting a human, but wonderful for you. You have a lovely bar,” Aether replied, sweeping his arm out to gesture to the lively tavern. His hand passed over a table, where two drunks saw the pointing and raised their flasks of ale, hooting with enthusiasm.

“Name’s Bill. Gonna be a problem?”

Aether politely shook his head, “Not at all. Bill is a lovely name.”

“I mean about the green skin and pointy chompers.”

“Not at all, while I wasn’t blessed enough to have your fetching viridian coloration, I do enjoy the spring tremendously and prefer trees with leaves. But, alas, my good man-orc, I am but a simple human we’re in need of some respite. I wonder if perchance you could aid us in procuring a temporary domicile to ease our fatigue.”

“You talk funny.”

“I get that a lot. I consider it a sign of mental fortitude if one is able to parley with my overenthusiastic verbiage. Perhaps I shouldn’t have expected a more refined lexicon.”

Bill bristled and smoother his shirt front, glaring up at the Half-elf with both of his green eyes.

“Just because I don’t talk fancy don’t mean I’m not smart. You can hide your insults with your flowery language, but don’t try looking down on me. I can ‘parley’ just fine without needing to sound like I spent every gold piece attending school.”

Calvin raised his arm in a bundle underneath his cloak and swiftly elbowed Aether directly in the ribs. The half-elf grunted in pain and looked at the boy wildly, sizing his up for a fight but paused and nodded to himself.

“Can you just once not get us kicked out of a bar?” Calvin asked, raising one normal hand and placing a piece of gold on the table. “I’m sorry for his rudeness, he’ll grow on you, I swear. Please, sir, what is your going rate for the night?”

Bill looked at Calvin with a bemused expression, a slow smile blossoming on her deep green skin. The bridge on his large, flattened but angular nose crinkled with his grin, lighting up his angled, high-swept eyes. He was a good looking mid-age Half-orc, and favored his human side with his features, which Calvin could imagine was a prominent portion of his personal recipe for success. Half-orcs were met with suspicion, beautiful human racism at its finest.

“Two gold pieces for the lot of you,” Bill said, “And I only got one room, so hopefully you don’t mind sharing the space.”

“Good man,” Aether said, pulling the gold piece back and placing it back in Calvin’s hand. “I’ll gladly pay, but Bill, might we get a friendly discount? I am terribly sorry about our previous encounter. Perhaps we could start over, as friends?” Aether asked, the words ringing in the air like the way fine wine tastes. The air smelled crisp, like candied fruit and summer rolls.

Bill nodded and held up a single finger, “You don’t hafta try to use magic on me, I woulda said yes anyway, because unlike you, I am actually a nice person. One gold per night gets you the room, everything else is extra.”

“Fair,” Calvin said, nudging Aether again.

“Leave my ribs be, boy!” Aether cried, placing a gold piece in Bill’s hand.

Artemis was hot.

The sun was beating down on them as they walked toward the tavern to meet the barkeep for a quick side-job that promised some coin. And coin was needed if this ambassador trip was to continue.

The beautiful blue-skinned woman next to her walked with quick steps, hair the color of the sea swinging in waves behind her, two shining swords strapped across her back like an X. Tritons were very rare on land, but the townsfolk regarded her with an established look of complacency. They had been here long enough that the novelty of the amphibious woman was no longer exciting and terrifying. Artemis, on the other hand, was so heavenly beautiful that people actively looked away. The fair-skinned Paladin almost seemed to emanate a glow at all times, as though she were so bright inside that light demanded to escape her very body. Her platemail armor reflected the sun, giving her the visage of a beautiful mirror spraying beams of light around town. If not for the Aasimar blood flowing in her veins, she would have been sweating up something fierce by now. Instead she walked alongside her client, the Triton Princess, Andromeda, and said nothing.

The beautiful princess of the Seas regarded each thing with a curious glance, as the world of men was just so fascinating. Everything seemed so useless. They tied up their horses to keep them from running away. Why not just train the horses to stay where they are? They use plates for their food instead of using the table itself. Humans used a smaller surface on a larger surface to eat food. Why bother with another smaller surface? They even had stairs to bridge a house from the alley beside it. Why not just jump, or build the door on the ground level? Andromeda clicked her fingers in excitement.

“Artemis, tell me if I understand this correctly,” she said, positively beaming.

“Your highness?”

“Humans have stairs that connect grounds to the doors, by the way of multiple smaller levels, and this is entirely intentional.”

Artemis sighed, nodding. “Yes, your highness. Humans use stairs on houses. They do.”

“And I have realized their intention is genius.”

“Because it allows them to go up and down.” Artemis gestured to the sky and back again, weariness seeping into her voice. “Truly inspiring.”

“No, Artemis, it’s genius, because it serves as a tactical impediment to those attempting to raid. Enemies wouldn’t be able to quickly enter a building unless they climbed each level, which would slow them down very briefly. Stairs are a perfect level of first-line defense from sieges.” Andromeda nodded sagely, smiling to herself. “Brilliant.”

Artemis tried to keep his gaze neutral, desperately wanting to bury her face in her hands.

The two women entered the bar and waded through the people, drunken townsfolk moving out of the way to let the royal and her guard pass without contact. They had been in town just long enough to be recognized, so it nearly surprised Artemis when a tall half-elf nearly walked directly into them, fumbling to put some materials back into his hip satchel.

“Careful,” Artemis called, holding a hand up to stop his advancement.

“I always am!” Aether responded, bowing slightly with a flourish of his hand. “Aether at your service, master of songs, dance, food, love, and life. May I interest you in a performance, my rates are very reasonable!”

“Deepest apologies,” the boy next to him said, reaching out with an arm to corral his shameless companion. As he moved, his cloak opened to reveal a strange shape of wood and vines on his side, attached to his shoulder.

“He’s horrible, but completely harmless,” Calvin said, now dragging Aether sideways toward the stairs. “Really, truly.”

“I’m a champion of slaying all sorts of monsters, I’ll have you know!” Aether shouted, allowing himself to be pulled by the teenager.

Artemis narrowed her eyes and placed a hand on her scabbard, preparing herself. The divine light in her seemed to become corporeal, whipping out in a crescent wave like a gentle breeze. She relaxed and turned to Andromeda, laughing softly, her voice like the wind in a grassy field.

“The boy was right, that other one is harmless. As is whatever arcane appendage he had.” The paladin lowered her hand to rest on her side, feeling the heated plates of forged metal cooked in the sun.

“Perfect,” Andromeda said, moving to the barkeep to order a drink. She turned back to her bodyguard. “I was worried that it was normal for boys to have trees for arms. I thought it was... that human thing where they wear silly things because they think it’s emotionally appealing.”

“Fashion?”

Andromeda clapped excitedly, emerald and sapphire scales gleaming in the candlelight. “Exactly, yes!”

“Those two are going to be the death of me,” said Bill as he poured a flagon of firewater for the two. “The new half-elf and the young one. He’s a bard from the looks of it, all prancing and posing. Sounds like they’re taking up for a while. Probably looking for work.”

“You could give them work,” Artemis offered, placing a hand on her silky platinum hair to push it behind her neck. “Aren’t you always saying you can never get the common drunks to help out?”

Bill hung his head down, red hair falling in front of his green eyes. As he complained about the work to be done, a tall elven woman swaggered over, holding her hand up to indicate she wanted another. Bill promptly shook his head and pointed upstairs, as though banishing a demon.

Selene grasped her chest in extreme offense, simultaneously screeching and bellowing. She propelled herself to the bar and slammed a long-fingered palm flat on the counter, bloodshot eyes squinted. “Billy, I am good for my coin, and all I want in a damn drink. You’re not my dad,” she seethed, grabbing across the counter at the opened bottle of firewater. “You can put it on my tab.”

The half-orc was strong and celeritous. The bottle seemingly disappeared into thin air, swiftly capped and returned to its safe harbor under the table. In the time it took to place a cap on the bottle, Selene had found a way to trip over the barstool and plant her face squarely on the flat of a cherry wood table.

Bill asked Artemis for a hand, and together, with precision brought on by excessive practice, they carried the drunken and possibly concussed Elf up the stairs and into whatever available room they had.

“Occupied,” Aether said, uncrossing her legs and standing up. “We already paid, Bill.”

“What’s one more among friends?” Bill said heartily. “She stays wherever, she’s like a cat. Just make sure she doesn’t die tonight. Consider it a job.”

“A job is considered valid in terms of payment,” Aether said, crossing his arms.

“Aether, Gods, you’re a monster,” Calvin said, wood and vine covered arm in plain sight. Moving to cover it up now would only draw more attention to it, he thought.

“Charming,” Aether retorted, “Bill, we’re not above looking after your ward here. We’re respectable people. But do you do this to your other guests? You don’t force them additional persons?”

“You said I was dumb because I don’t talk fancy. That was rude. I gave you a discount-- that was nice. This is another person, that’s rude. I’d say we’re even.” Bill lowered Selene on a bedroll and threw a sheepskin over her while she dozed. “If you want, you can have your gold piece back and you can leave. I’m not hurting for patronage.”

“Let’s not be hasty,” Aether acquiesced, cordially smiling. “Perhaps we can make an arrangement.”

“Look after her, help her out around town, earn some coin. Stay here while you do. I don’t bother you, maybe you play a song or two sometime in the drinking room for the locals. That sounds good, mate?”

Aether nodded. “Absolutely good, my dear Bill.”