rain-fluff

[rain-fluff]

Journal Thirteen: Despite Everything, I'm Still Here

It's been a while since I last updated this blog. Despite this blog being an echo chamber of my life and most inner thoughts, I haven't felt the urgency to write for quite a while. Well, what else am I supposed to do now that I have more free time on my hands?

Why am I so free, you may ask? I am pleased to announce that I have officially completed my studies! No more dreadful group projects, no more late-night assignment submissions, and no more hour-long commutes to campus. From dropping out of art school to finalising my degree, I've grown and learned a lot in the past few years. It was a long journey with hardships, but I'll miss it nonetheless. I know damn well that it will only get harder for me from here on out.

As soon as I finished my final exams, I dragged my best friend to visit the Cardcaptor Sakura exhibit at Fahrenheit 88. The outing was an indulgent treat for myself, celebrating the end of my uni life. I loved every single minute spent there, and my friend's patience was very well appreciated. I wish I could have gone to the second phase of the exhibit, but entry tickets were pretty pricey as it is. I couldn't really afford a second trip after buying the exclusive merch either (everything was too cute, and I have no financial agency to maintain a strict budget, like ever).

Not long after, I was 'dragged' to a trip to Penang for my mom's birthday. We stayed at a really fancy resort that served a seafood-rich buffet. I still miss the blue cheese they offered. Blue cheese can be so hard to come by when you're not trying to burn a hole in your wallet. I also attended Comic Art Fest this year. I think it's been a year or two since I last went, but getting myself immersed in artist alleys will always be a warm welcome for my spirit and mind. Physically and financially? Not so much.

At this point, I have done nothing but reward myself with quality time with friends and family. My birthday is coming up soon, and I'll be turning 26. Despite the shared quality time with loved ones, I think I'll spend my birthday quietly by myself. I've kind of exhausted my social battery. Man this blog post is short. Anyways, toodles.

-rain

[rain-fluff]

tiny cuts.

[rain-fluff]

TAGCC: telling you that it’s okay to be a nerd, so let’s be nerds together

I think the last time I went to an event that was as big as TAGCC was probably Comic Fiesta pre-Covid. I remember the queue would extend over what felt like miles and we would take few short steps just to have any sort of progress and it took hours just to reach the entry point. Before meeting my friends, I would always arrive the earliest just so that I could get my shopping at the artist alley done early. I remember always have a list ready a day or two prior just so that I could carefully plan out what fan-merch I didn’t want to miss out on buying. Because it has been a few years, I wanted to have a bit of refresher with events like TAGCC. Despite attending the event alone, I can’t deny that my experience on the event day was really fun.

Making my way from the MRT to the centre of the mall, I could see many groups of friends making the same destination as I was. The campaign was split into two area; level 3A and level CC. You could only purchase your walk-in ticket at level 3A, costing RM25 for event entry. The same floor was more so designated specifically for professional cosplayers, licensed vendors, and whereas level CC was primarily focused for independent artists and creators such as the Artist Market Alley. Normally with ACG events, I would mainly take priority in the Artist Market Alley. However, I have learned to appreciate the displays set up by more licensed vendors as well over the years. Take for example this display of Pyramid Head and the Nurse from Silent Hill 2. The horror game itself is already a giant cult classic so to see detailed craftsmanship of the figures up close left an impressive impact.

While I was there, I was also able to view cosplay performances by both professionals and amateurs alike. I’d imagine if you’re a theatre kid like me, you would be easily entertained by their presentation. It was really fun and whimsical to see varying costumes and crafts come to life. The competition itself felt really engaging. I enjoyed seeing the variety in costumes coming from different games or fandoms, highlighting the uniqueness in style as the cosplayers show up on stage. It was also enlightening to see critique from cosplay veterans as they highlight significant craftsmanship, movement and makeup for contestants performances. Even if you’re not there to see professionals at work, it’s also fun to talk to regular attendants that come in cosplay. I don’t know about you, but seeing a cosplayer dressed up from your favourite will always boost my mood. You can’t help but feel a sense of camaraderie is shared when you interact with one another.

Additionally, it wouldn’t be a proper ACG event if it didn’t have an artist alley of sorts. I will always be fond of communicating with the artists behind the merch produced. It feels so refreshing to bond over mutual interests when you don’t have many friends outside of the event that don’t participate in the same fandoms as you do. Personally speaking, their passion and commitment to their interests we’re inspiring as an artist. And said passion really shows when you walk along the market and exhibits. One vendor in particular has mentioned that she has been attending and boothing for these events for as long as 12 years! If anything, it only further demonstrates how nurturing the community can be when it comes to supporting the local artisanal market. It makes me wonder if I could ever achieve a similar level of success if I ever honed on my illustrative skills more.

If you have never been to an ACG event before, I encourage you to go at least once. You get to witness and interact with so many creatives from varying walks of life. With that being, you can’t help be pulled into the environment as you connect and make friends with like-minded individuals that you would never anticipate could capture your heart. While you immerse yourself into the new environment, not only will you be supporting the local tourism, you can also help the local market. TAGCC is also considerably amongst the cheaper events you can go as opposed to events like Comic Fiesta where the entry can go up to RM100 or just a one day visit. In addition, the ACG industry would not be able to prosper without support from events like TAGCC.

[rain-fluff]

Journal Twelve: Changing Seasons and Changing Vibes

I don’t want this blog to be left forgotten so I’m going to try my best to update and journal every now and again. June has come and I was invited to be apart of a surprise birthday gathering on the 15th. I honestly didn’t expect it to turn out so pleasant. I kind of forgot what it was like to just surround yourself with loved ones like that; the way that everyone was all smiles and reminiscing about past memories our just discussing about how people fared with work or classes. I wasn’t relatively close with the circle so the invite itself was a surprise to me. I was pretty anxious and had my walls up but a good chunk of them we’re really friendly, making sure that I didn’t feel too left out in conversations and trying to get to know me. Albeit the questions did sound like interview questions but it overall felt pleasant.

In a way, I also felt envious. It really made me miss my friends. Obviously as life goes on, our priorities of adulthood get in the way of maintaining contact. But I still miss the comfort that past circles have given me. It’s not really as comfortable as the current ones I’m getting into contact these days. Like I try to convince myself that these people are in fact good people but there’s just something in my lizard brain that subconsciously tells me that I should keep my armor up, I guess. People telling you that they’re hopeful that you could stick around more; a sweet sentiment but I know I have unresolved abandonment issues that’s making me waver with my choices. Man I sound edgy but that’s just how I feel. What’s the point on journaling if I don’t sound the slightest bit cringey, to be honest.

I am also four weeks into my internship as I’m writing this. In all honesty, I thought it would be super scary and strict but most have been pretty welcoming. Maybe a teeny bit too welcoming (I’m too paranoid bare with me it’s my blog). Also duh I forgot to bring up my birthday. I’m officially 25 and I’m still dead inside lol. I wonder if I officially entered that stage of adulthood where I just don’t care about my birthday like I used to. Or maybe I’m subconsciously deflecting because I do in fact care about my birthday a lot. I think I’ve been using the word subconsciously too many times for this journal entry. Anyways, I finally got my hands on Princess Peach Showtime and there’s something about the game that heals my inner child. I highly recommend it if you’re someone who grew up playing girly dress up games for the PS2. I’m only two stages in but I appreciate how “girly” it feels? Like I’m so used to “non-girly” games and I haven’t really played one in so long. I think the last time I played a game like that was Winx Club on a PS2 emulator a few years back. I also would really love to get Fashion Dreamer too but have said that it’s not really worth buying it at full-price. I’m hoping to snag a really cheap secondhand copy one of these days.

I’ve also started listening to Chappell Roan. I’ve never been so infatuated with a woman’s rawness and I adore how she expresses herself both musically and visually. Pink Pony Club struck a really personal chord with me, the urge to expand on your escapism where you can just be free from societal expectations. I think I’ve been putting it on repeat a bit too much lately. A friend recommended to me Naked in Manhattan and I’m equally as obsessed. There’s something about the way she styles herself that inspires me to play around with makeup again. I haven’t really experimented with makeup looks in a while but I should really get into it again when I feel a bit better. Speaking of musicians, Atarashi Gakko is also performed at Zepp last weekend. I’d love to go but alas what remained in my bank account was abysmal. I need to start putting more money into my savings. Toodles.

Extra update: I forgot to mention that the team I'm in surprised me with some food and teeny eepy figure of Anya. She's so cute I'm gonna cherish her forever!! It was only my third week in and they surprised me with such a thoughtful gift. I might miss this place when I have to leave even though I'm not super close with anyone in particular. Okay, toodles for real now.

-rain

[rain-fluff]

Poetry

A Siren’s Call

There was nothing more alluring than a sirens call

Their songs echo in chambers inhabited by the least suspecting

There was nothing quite like a male sailor’s gall

Where the sirens prey on, with their egos at a high unrelenting

Their songs echo and lure such defenceless sailors

Serenaded by their whimsy, adorned with pearlescent scales

It takes a mere breadth for these sirens to lull these heedless men

To ensure that they don't live to speak another false tale

The men bid their farewells to the Spanish ladies

And sing shanties on their voyage of their romantic pursuits

But many was left unsaid of the violence they had shed

So vengeance the sirens sought, after listening to the ladies agonies of men that had abandoned suit

Sailors will tell you to beware of a sirens call, their vicious attacks were violence without reason

But they fail to tell you of the wrath they inflict first

Their attacks were merely punishment of their sins, guising as though to quench their well-earned thirst

Their screams we're drowned by steep waters, with little to no traces were left behind

Unlike the visible scars they wound to their poor victims

It was an eye for an eye as they wailed into the night

In return for the pain of the women that were abused by the sailors whims

A tale as old as time, you feel these were mere bedtime stories for many

But said tales are proven true when rising crises are still swept under

By majority who question of why would men be such monsters

Instead of listening to women's voices, dismissing them as though they incited their actions with curr

Following What the Clock Says

The clock says it's 10 p.m.

You would think it's time to get some shut eye

But my insomnia keeps me awake so late

With thoughts of complexities, ripping holes in my sleeves hem

The clock says it's 12 a.m.

I'm doomscrolling my night away with envy high

Of talents and happiness, I wish I shared the same trait

But here I am awake at night, rooted onto my bed from the stem

The clock says it's 2 a.m.

I search for media that influences me be it exciting or dry

My mind and heart are void, it's an empty state

Is this what it's like for the rest of my life? Mundane without ambition, I thought I'd shine more like a gem

The clock says it's 4 a.m.

My thoughts are in a whirlwind, sky high

Of wishing I could be more than what I am currently like any dull colour or shade

I start getting ready for my 8 a.m. class, a ritual I move in tandem

The clock says it's 6 a.m.

I journey on with my life, wanting to soon bid goodbye

With how pointless I feel, I am but mere grass across slade

What's it like to be something more? A quiet question in my mind that repeats in rhythm

[rain-fluff]

Journal Eleven: How do you mourn?

The topic of death seems to creep up on me a lot lately. I remember hearing the announcement so vividly; it was officially shared by the beloved band members and staff of the GazettE that their beloved bassist Reita had passed away at the age of 42. I couldn't really believe it first. I was just listening to their music a few days prior on my commute to uni. Rather, I've been listening to their music on and off during my commutes because despite the loudness, it keeps away my anxiousness from others stares when I walk into the MRT. It felt so recent when I wanted to revisit the music that I used to fangirl over in my preteens. What do you mean he's just gone?

I lied down on my bed in complete silence for a few minutes just trying to digest the news. I had a crush on this man, he had a charming yet mysterious air to him that captivated my little 12-year-old heart. I remember digging for translated interviews of their radio shows, wishing I could have cool adult conversations with them and having fun. Sure he was a half my age when I discovered their music but what preteen wasn't impressionable by adult influences like that, you know? I was so fascinated by their outfits, their creative expression through music, how they looked so free and was living life how they wanted to. I grew up and they were nothing more than a distant nostalgic memory at first but they resurfaced again when I was looking for music to listen to on Spotify. Weirdly enough, they we're really nice to listen to at six in the morning, too tired to start the day but too paranoid being confined in a small space as you make your way for your 8 a.m classes. Reminiscing on how much I crushed on him was just a silly afterthought but they we're still a strong influential presence to me today.

I was amazed to see that there was in fact a really active community amongst the fans; moreso the international fans to be honest. I didn't think that there were people who would take flights to Japan just to see what I felt was a fairly niche band from a rather niche music genre to this day. I remember crying reading heartfelt stories of how the fans listened to their music during hard times. I think it really broke me when only days later, official statements we're released by the band members expressing their thoughts and emotions. I can only imagine how hurt they must've felt losing such a close friend like that. The GazettE has always been five. This was a para social relationship that I never really expected to affect me so strongly.

I think many will agree that it will never be the same; Ruki's commentary on how he perceived the situation has settled in my mind for a while now. It made more sense as to why I felt so hurt by some deaths before, making me feel more grounded of how I should handle and carry my pains moving forward. I still chase after his bass playing while listening to their music; one of the few things that we as active listeners can still cherish and keep today. I'll always remember you Reita-san. And so will everyone else.

[rain-fluff]

Journal Ten

Was anyone aware that the government had issued a warning to stay away from shellfish and seafood because there was a poisoning outbreak? Well I sure as hell didn't until sometime after I went to my doctor's appointment. Even then, it was exhausting to talk to the doctor because the one close to my neighbourhood loves chatting and gossiping away with my mom like there was no tomorrow whenever the opportunity arises. She wasn't an outright terrible person per say, but I'm just not a very sociable person to begin with; especially when I'm sick.

The whole week I had spent either catching up with assignment deadlines, attempting to clean my room (and failing), or recovering from an unfortunate illness. I'd like to think the brief break for Raya would treat me well but I think I'll be under more pressure just trying keep up with more deadlines (can you tell that I have terrible scheduling issues for myself?). I really didn't mean for this entry to be so little but the reality is that I'm a boring person and have little energy dealing with life. Toodles.

-rain

[rain-fluff]

The crash after loving too much

For as long as I could remember, there were always cats in my home. If there was nobody around in the house, there would at least be a few felines inhabiting our house. They nest and nap in hidden corners or dark spaces, bask underneath the warm sunlight an browning their coats, or they may even break precious souvenirs and furniture while you’re not looking. Although to be fair, they’d harm anything they can get their paws on so long as they get to sharpen their tiny claws whether you see them or not; what do they know about human etiquette? Some may find it stressful to deal with, some may feel bittersweet as they reminisce the previous signs of life. I have felt many emotions through the years and unfortunately, for me, it led my love for these furry creatures into a steady decline over time.

My love for cats sparked when we had our first cat Nini. She was a precious Siamese stray cat that had a patient and affectionate character. Well in all honesty, I don’t think she was our first cat but she was the first I could remember that left a memorable imprint in the recesses of my hippo campus. Her coat was off-white with the tips of her paws and tail dipped in chocolate with eyes so blue you would mistake them for precious jewels. Maybe it’s because I grew up in an Asian home and was used to being surrounded by brown-eyed anatomical features but I was so mesmerized by cats with vibrant coloured eyes; making you feel like you could grasp the sky so closely in your hands.

I spent a good deal of my childhood playing with barbies and polly pockets right in the living room, dressing my dolls whenever there was a commercial break between episodes of my favourite cartoons. I especially remember on Saturdays at ten a.m. where they would play Sagwa the Chinese Siamese Cat on Playhouse Disney, in which case I would always make sure to get Nini to sit with me as I watch fictional story-telling of Chinese royalty living with mischievous and playful Siamese cats. I remember being fairly upset when Nini couldn’t paint or do calligraphy with her tail much like the royal cats in the show but she was beloved by my family and I nonetheless, even getting the chance to create her own kin. Maybe I was too small to recollect the particular following memory but my mother had explained that she had disappeared one day while we were out of town. At least we still had two of her children at the time; Bandit and Smokey. By the time she disappeared, I had already outgrown from watching Sagwa and moved on with other. As children, its kind of sad to see how fleeting your interests can change.

The two cats had relatively long lives, staying apart from my early childhood up until my preteen years. However, their lives couldn’t last too long. Used to having our cats come and go from our home, Bandit one day arrived home swollen, bruised and fatigued. I didn’t think it was even possible to see an animal look so sickly and ill. Sitting in the back with him nestled in the carrier, he died while I was slumbering; my older brother and mother chastising me for my lack of attentiveness after our arrival at the vet. It was the first death I had experienced witnessing but I couldn’t really feel any sense of sadness. I’d imagine I was still too young trying to grasp the concept of death being only somewhere around the age of eleven.

Smokey was a death that was a little bit harder to accept, being run over by my dad as he was driving his way to work one morning. She quickly went away to hide and mask her injury from the rest of everyone else. It was the first death that had somewhat moved my emotions, being one of the few pets to excitedly come your way when beckoned and grazing her whole being against you. I couldn’t help but hold resentment towards my dad when her corpse was discovered just outside our house before I left for school. I had to walk away without seeing her burial, having my thoughts filled with nothing but unproductive negativity throughout the day. This was just a mere scratch on the surface but I didn’t think that it could possibly worsen as days, months or even years would go by.

There was a small period of time when the house felt too empty, the stillness from the lack of small domesticated creatures roaming in the halls created a cold environment despite living in a tropical country. A year or so later, we suddenly accumulated many in a short span of time due to friends needing assistance with rehoming some animals. Shiloh, a stray female tabby, was the first of many that we had adopted after our past losses. Later there would be additions of pairs such as Knightly and Blucie or Bob and Marley. Despite my family welcoming many, I realized too late that I would be the primary caregiver later on as the rest of my family kept very low engagement with these pets; from cleaning their litter boxes to handling their medication anytime should their health weaken or wane. Despite the tiresome tasks, I had a sense of fulfilment nursing them where I was able. However, the difficulty had risen when more kittens, ones much younger than what I was used to handling, started to sprout like buds at the start of spring.

In between taking care of our older cats, kittens as young as ten days to three weeks old would appear in litters or alone and neglected without their mothers to nurture their growth. This proved to be tedious and stressful due to them needing to be fed every few hours around-the-clock. Having to be hours away just to attend art school while maintaining care often times would prove fruitless, leading them to their deaths. I was ridden with guilt whenever such small creatures would be found lifeless when I reach home but it was the unfortunate reality when tending to kittens so young; even professionals we sought after had trouble themselves. It felt unnerving knowing that vets had to force themselves to be accustomed to these tragedies.

Sometimes, even present mothers can’t be of much help either. Despite giving birth to two tuxedo kittens, Mimi was a good mother only to an extent. While she helped to provide nutrients and grooming, her efforts were very little and had led them to their deaths some time after. It felt like she forced them to be independent too early and it could partly be a result of her natural childish nature wanting to focus more on play than to be a parent. On the other hand, Shiloh had been a good mother to her four kits but I can barely remember what happened to them after except for Indigo. Both Indigo and Knightly were gifts I didn’t think that could crush and shatter me to so many pieces. I first experience with heartbreak was when I first had to break up with my ex at fifteen but it doesn’t compare to the soul crushing pain of losing someone who has been present in your life in the smallest yet influential way possible.

Knightly often spent his life roaming in the outdoors of our suburban neighbourhood but he would always come home to you with open affection, like a child clinging to the comforts of their parents after a long day of school. That comfort was shortened by his internals rupturing his health, rendering him lifeless to even hold despite his consciousness still present. It was a result of his unmonitored excursions; contracting diseases from open wounds that resulted from cat fights and fleas festering and leaching into his organs. He had run away to have a quiet death before we could further tend to injuries with the medication he needed.

Out of everyone, I felt that Indigo had the most traumatizing impact to me. His illness would come back and forth, from catching flus every other month to suddenly having his system shutting down brought from his kidney’s failing support. It took many visits to varying veterinary clinics just to find reasons for his condition but it would never be answered until his near-death. It hurt to see him struggle taking even the slightest step, his body would tremble recklessly even trying to stand up in place. I will never forget the day I saw him drew his last breath, his eyes dulled and snuffed of light in an instant. I don’t think I’ve mourned for a pet as strongly as I did with Indigo. It didn’t help that both him and Knightly we’re the ones who knew to comfort me when I felt alone and in my darkest moments. I couldn’t help but feel desperate; why did you have to leave me alone?

When Bob had passed just this January, I was already drained. I couldn’t really care for her like I would with other cats in the past even though she was one of the oldest we had. I’ve grown tired after accumulating so much grief over the years, wanting an out if I was able. She didn’t deserve my neglect but there was only so much energy I had left to try. I’ve learnt the hardships of grief and it chips your soul enough that it forces you to collapse the more you try to endure. What could I have done different for all these lives that have whisked away so abruptly? What more can I do for these seemingly endless amounts of strays ensuring that they even had a chance of having a life of comfort? Their lives are left in my hands because many aren’t too keen on keeping for themselves but with the current pace, there’s already so much blood spilt all over.

If given a chance, I wish I could do it all over by making stronger efforts of putting them under better care and finding better forever-homes instead of having to stay with me. I wish I could see the signs and get some of them hospitalized faster instead of letting slip away from my fingers so quickly. Sometimes I wonder if I even maintain human relationships when I barely have the strength to maintain my companionship with these creatures. I can’t help but wonder of what-ifs and think if there ever was such a thing as growth for someone like me. They look at you with so much trust that you can’t help but why. What was so significant about me that made you want to stay and put your trust in me? If there was anything I’ve significantly learned from loving these animals after all these years it’s that I really don’t think I can give a supportive love that would last. I rather keep myself distant before I could fracture anything else I hold dear.

[rain-fluff]

Journal Nine

Have you ever discovered music you wished you had discovered earlier in your life? I have always had an affinity towards Indie Japanese Rock due to consuming a lot of anime, manga or JRPGs during my adolescence but sometimes I wish I had dug deeper and consumed more than I already do. Buck-Tick was not a band that I was remotely interested in listening except until last year where news of their vocalist passing started to circulate in my social media feeds. I only decided to listen to them sometime in mid January because I was simply curious about what it was that made them so special to many.

Kiss Me Good-bye was the first song that was recommended to me by an online friend and I genuinely did not expect to fall in love with the song as much I did. It only took me a few seconds for it to instantly click and made me think about how strong my grunge and indie sounds could actually impact me as a person. I wouldn't say I'm the most musically gifted person in the room or anything but after listening to a few tracks from their discography, I couldn't help but feel so quickly saddened by a musical talent lost.

And call me an old soul or whatever but I do feel sad knowing that rock music in general has unfortunately lost it's popularity with time. Not to say I don't listen to pop music ever but I feel like there's just no place for rock music as much as it used to be because many in the current generation are just not brought up to appreciate it as much. I also wonder how the band is like after Atsushi Sakurai's passing? Do you think they can go on? I remember Linkin Park still making music today despite Chester Bennington's passing but I think it's fair to say that there will always be a big hole that these bands can fill unlike when their vocalists were still there.

Speaking of music, I remember briefly mentioning that I auditioned for a musical performance but I never really elaborated on what happened. Well for starters, I genuinely thought I could pull of Torn by Natalie Imbruglia, only to be critiqued that I was using my second voice too much, I wasn't great with pacing my energy or breathing and I simply lacked confidence. Cool (not the judges fault by the way, I'm just dissapointed in myself looking back and their critiques we're a good way of learning what I could improve).

At some point, they suggested I try singing Back to Black by Amy Winehouse and I was surprised by myself that despite the last minute adjustment, I had a smoother experience singing said song moreso than the initial. Colour me surprised when I found out that I made the auditions to boot! Now I have to worry about the actual performance and make time for practicing a song I only remember 50% of the lyrics of but overalI think I'll do okay. (probably)

Also surprise! My beloved doll is finally here! The doll's quality is really well-made and I only wish I could get more clothes for her but this hoodie would have to do for now. I may or may not have also splurged on some Spy x Family plushies of Anya but considering they we're roughly 7 ringgit each, I had to snatch them before they sold considering cheap official merch like that is pretty rare to come by. I really need to journal in between the days of the week just to fill up these entries again. I've just been letting myself be consumed by the stress of built-up assignments. I really need to get a grip where I can.

-rain

[rain-fluff]

Journal Eight

For the past month, my mom has been actively trying to clear out unwanted material possessions that take up space in our home. Granted, it is a nice idea as a means to get rid of clutter but it peeves me that included MY personal clutter as well. I can't say that I can condemn her efforts though, at least she's helping with clean up and would asked if I wanted to keep some things or not.

During the process, my mom stumbled across not only old dolls I used to collect (which are probably really pricey now due to them being discontinued) but also my old drawings from primary and secondary school. It was both a cringey and heart-warming experience seeing how much I've grown in terms of my art skills. I just wish that half of it wasn't so cryptic and edgy but alas that is simple apart of youth that you can never escape from. In way, I'm also quite envious of my past self for having a really strong drive for taking the time to draw that much when in comparison to now, I only wish I could have half as much of that energy. I won't get rid of these regardless because I'm someone who clings to past momentos a lot. I should really keep them away somewhere else though.

In terms of entering the second week of Ramadan, I'm glad I can actually fast this year without it being disrupted by my health complications. I couldn't fast at all last year due to me dealing with my PCOS so at least there's more progression this year. However, I still need to take some pills and lose weight; which is something I've been neglecting for a few months now. My hospital check-ups used to be every other month or so but I felt bad going just because the funds add up and I don't really want to burden my parents financially anymore than I already do. It's difficult since they're both retired so I try to make do where I can and do art commissions where I am able.

Speaking of art commissions, I wish I could give more details of a specific client but I hope they don't comission me ever again. They left a rather distasteful comment that made me regret accepting their money in the first place. I'm still grateful for my other clients who have been patient and kind to me for my work delays however. I really hope they don't request more of my work anytime soon because working on their piece definitely more of a chore than it was enjoyable (ironic how that was the exact reason why I dropped out of art school huh).

Asides from that, my new doll is finally in Malaysia! It's still at my friend's place and I'm a bit broke to deal with shipping at the moment (I'm sorry to say that is like the third entry I preface how broke I am) and I still don't quite have clothes for her yet. It's been hard to find cute clothes that aren't too expensive and my shopee cart looks like a whole catalogue for doll clothes now reaching the 100s. I definitely need to clear out my cart here and there.

Well, it's safe to say that week is tiring and I spent most of my weekend sleeping in my hermit hole. Maybe I'll have more to note in my next entry. Maybe I won't but I hope not truly.

-rain

[rain-fluff]

Short Stories

Gifts for My Beloved

Luna hasn’t always been a gifted person. She would often take her time to hone her craft in the private sanction of her art studio; a dream room to have for someone who had poured over their time and love for the art they create. A room she could truly call hers for nurturing her skills and pushing for more developments. Some say that her efforts shone so bright that it is said that Hephaestus and Athena themselves have taken notice to bless Luna a gift that extends her craft; the gift of creation.

It wasn’t all that noticeable at first. She once attempted to do a still-life study of a bouquet of flowers she was gifted by her partner. She had rested and found an exact replica of said flowers in place of her canvas, only it seemed to be more vibrant in colour due to her experimenting with different colour theory techniques. Maybe her beloved wanted to leave her with more surprise gifts but when she confronted him, he only seemed more confused by the statement.

“I love you dearly please don’t get me wrong, but I think I would have remembered buying two bouquets instead of one for the past week. Unless this is your way of suggesting you want more flowers, I will gladly gift you more. You need only ask, my love.” He responded.

His answer only left Luna with more questions in her wake. If it wasn’t her beloved that left the exact copy of flowers, then who was it? She spent the past week feeling worried and sceptic. Did she have a secret admirer of sorts? Even so, it was still rather eerie knowing they could slip into the privates of their home so quickly and quietly. She had expressed her concerns to her beloved and they started to invest in more locks for better security. Luna had felt much safer up until she found another scale replica of one of her other paintings.

The painting in question had been another still-life study, only this time it was of an assortment of beads and gems that she had kept for her future projects. Much like before, instead of her painted canvas, she only found a replica for her assortment of beads and gems. Not only that but the replicas were also significantly larger in scale in comparison to the originals she referenced from. Upon closer inspection, she could also see the same cuts and grooves she attempted to mimic while painting the night before. Luna discussed her discovery with her beloved that night over dinner and he suggested they do an experiment to test if such a thing was even possible; have her paintings become a reality.

Her partner suggested she painted his pocket watch next; a beloved heirloom gifted to him by his father before he passed. The watch was made of copper with intricate engraving carved just on the edges, skirting along the actual watch in harmony. Gears shift at every second ticking, telling the user it crafted with precision, detail and care. Luna knew how much the watch meant to him, so made sure to handle the heirloom with care. She was made sure to mimic the finer the details as much as her eyes were able to perceive, ensuring that no stroke of paint was wasted. Despite it taking a few days to finish, a replica took the painted canvas’ place just the night after.

Luna’s beloved was in shock with the results. He had told her that the watch was a custom one-of-a-kind made just for his family. The discovery was an overwhelming feat. Luna couldn’t even begin to think of what to do with such power. If she were to paint a bird, does that mean a sparrow will flutter in her studio the next day? So far, she had only painted inanimate objects so what would occur should she paint a live subject? As Luna worried, her partner was ecstatic for new potential opportunities that could arise with her new-found gifts.

Rather than hearing what she had to say, her beloved kept giving her suggestion after suggestion of what she could do with her powers instead. Luna couldn’t really think of anything else she could do with her new-found gifts and her beloved’s ideas have only worked well so far. Why wouldn’t she put her trust in him?

The sharp glint in his eyes would later enhance her fears moreso than inspire her. During their trial phases, her beloved would request her to paint small things at first such as buttons to help mend his coats or ribbons to help with wrapping gifts for his friends. Luna’s powers we’re useful in a pinch, but then he would start to be bolder with suggestions. “Imagine all of the fine dresses and jewellery she could paint for herself instead of buying new ones.” “Imagine all of the food we could eat that we couldn’t eat before.” “Can you imagine the profits we could gain if we we’re to sell your replicas?”

It came to a point where her art no longer felt as though it was hers anymore; a sanctity that she once cherished to hone and develop for her pleasure we’re slowly yet dreadfully becoming cumbersome to practice. Some days when she would take her time to paint her own projects, she could hear her partner scoff at her behind her back. What ever happened to the man who once told her to pursue her dreams? What ever happened to the man whom bring her flowers every week or so and pepper her with loving kisses with soft sweet nothings?

At one point, she made an offhand remark of how her beloved doesn’t seem to buy gift her flowers anymore. It was alarming to hear his utterances that followed; “Why would I need to buy you anymore flowers when you could simple paint and create more of your own?”

Her partner no longer felt like the man she truly came to love before. The man resting peacefully in his slumber in their shared bed have become to feel like a thief, robbing Luna’s creativity and desires of having a more quiet and peaceful life. Just before the sun had risen, she fled with her smaller paintings and the clothing behind her back.  For everything she painted and gifted to her once beloved, it was a stark reminder of how his greed only progressed. It was only right for her to leave before she could meet her untimely demise and further heartbreak.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Raining Waffles and Caramel Kisses

It felt warm. There was something about the current environment that Connor was in that it made him feel at peace. He could feel the grass crunch underneath his fingertips as he rested his back against the tall oak tree, relaxing himself as he sat underneath the shade. He was sitting next to a girl he believed was in the same history class with.

“Naomi, right?” he spoke softly.

Naomi was startled, dropping her pen in shock as though Connor’s appearance merged out of thin air.

��Huh. I didn’t peg you as the type to even be here.” She replied.

“What, like I’m one of those models you see on Instagram going on dream vacations every month?”

“I meant like you’re such a recluse nerd that going outside at all is kind of a rarity.”

“Hey! I take offense to that.” He pushes her playfully.

They both laugh at the silly thought. It felt nice talking to her like that. Connor always wanted to get closer with Naomi since she seemed pretty chill but was too intimidated by her character sometimes. After the banter, they spent the time together sitting for a few minutes in silence; Connor having his eyes closed to indulge with rest while Naomi was scribbling away in her journal. Or was it a sketchbook?

“What are you up to anyway?” He couldn’t help his curiosity and asked.

“Just doodling. I mean, isn’t it a given that you already know?”

Connor raised his eyebrow at the question. Why would he already know? It wasn’t like they we’re super close friends or talk to each other that much. But before he could ask her for clarification, he could feel the faux leather book slide into his hands.”

“Here, you can take a look. You can even draw something in it if you want.”

“I thought all artists had a thing where they didn’t like sharing their sketchbooks?”

“Well, this artist is ever generous to those who ask kindly. You are very welcome for this privilege by the way.”

Connor rolled his eyes at the answer as he flipped through the pages. He observed carefully of the watercolour painting of waffles plated with ice cream and what looked like to be caramel drizzle.

“Wow this looks so real. I could really use some waffles right now.”

Just as those words escaped his lips, he could feel something fall onto his head. Well, more like somethings. They both glanced at each other in confusion. Naomi slowly picked up one of the fallen items revealing to be lone waffle in her hand. Scattered around, next to and behind Connor we’re also in fact more pieces of waffles.

“Hey I’d like some waffles too.” She said aloud. But after some time, there were no more waffles coming their way. Naomi pouted at the results. Connor couldn’t help but think that her reaction was cute.

“That’s not fair! Why do you get to summon waffles when I don’t?”

After hearing the dejected response, Connor couldn’t help but feel bad.

“Can I get two plates of waffles served with caramel and ice cream please?”

In Connor’s defense, he thought he was being attentive and nice by adding details from what he saw in her sketchbook. However, he completely failed to take into the count that maybe he should have been more specific with how the food would be delivered to the two teens.

The food dropped onto their laps with a large impact, splattering ice cream and waffle crumbs everywhere. The caramel clung to their skin and clothes almost like glue, it felt hopeless to even try to get the substance off unless they took showers straight away. Despite the intense drop however, it was kind of a miracle to see that their respective plates weren’t shattered to pieces.

“Dude…” She slowly looked at Connor with disbelief.

“Sorry…” It was all he could muster to say, his own expression mirrored Naomi’s.

At that point, she couldn’t help but let her giggles bubble over. In turn, it was contagious enough to effect Connor too.

“I think it’s safe to say that I don’t crave waffles anymore.”

“Ditto. I didn’t make you suddenly hate them, did I?” he asked.

“I don’t think I could ever. Today just so happens to be an off day, y’know?” Naomi smiled in kind.

Just before she stood up to brush off the food remnants, Naomi gives him a quick peck on his lips.

“Thank you for spending time with me in my dream, Connor.”

Her dream? Wasn’t this his dream? As his thoughts cycle, he also couldn’t help but stand there in shock, cheeks slowly reddening like strawberries ready to ripen. The kiss tasted sweet and Connor couldn’t really imagine he wanted the kiss to last longer until her lips left his.

“I’ll see you tomorrow in class.”

Her voice slowly faded and is disrupted by a loud ringing from Connor’s bedside table in mere seconds. He woke up in his bed with bleary eyes and his comforter strewn across all over the floor. He couldn’t help but wonder if what he dreamt was actually real. Everything he dreamt felt too vivid to even forget.

Later that day, Connor managed to catch up with Naomi moments just after their history class ended. He couldn’t even pay attention to what their teacher was saying about the Americans dumping tea into the ocean. All he had in his mind was to have a chance to talk to Naomi.

“Hey, Naomi. Do you like waffles by any chance?”

It felt like forever seeing how Naomi processed his question. It was almost she knew something that he didn’t.

“Do they come with caramel and ice cream?”

Typically, anyone would say that’s a standard or universal way of serving the desert. But the question in particular had too detailed specifications in Connor’s opinion. Why didn’t she say bacon or maple syrup? Why not berries and honey? Why was it specifically caramel and ice cream?

“If you’d like, then yeah sure.” He couldn’t help but sound nervous.

But the nervousness faded as soon as Naomi beams. Her eyes lit up that made Connor feel more enamoured than he should be.

“I love waffles!”

Connor wasn’t sure what it was but by that point, he was sure that he would give the whole world’s waffle supply to Naomi if he could. Connor could only hope that what he said next wouldn’t leave him crushed. But there was something about the familiar smile she gave like the one he dreamt helped to give him more confidence to ask his following.

“Would you like to go on a waffle date with me then?”

It was then Naomi’s turn to her cheeks flush with red. It was safe to say that Connor wouldn’t be too heartbroken anytime soon.

“I would love to.”

[rain-fluff]

Journal Seven

I'm too tired to journal this week because the brunt of the courses I'm taking this semester are really starting to take it's toll on me and it doesn't help that Ramadhan has started; giving more fatigue to add on to my mental drain.

Here's a gist of what I dealt with the past weak though; I have a lot of assignments due this coming week that I've 100% neglected and I also signed up to audition to perform (I don't know why though considering the workload I'm currently dealing with; hey let's add more stress for ourselves you dingus!) I've also should've just taken my clients advice to take my time with their commissions because I'm now really rushing with my school work. Anyways, toodles!

-rain

[rain-fluff]

Journal Six

Everytime I sit myself down to write in these journal entries, I can't help but feel like Roxas from in 358/2 days; the wee lad had only come into existence for about a week and you expect him to just journal his feelings out when he doesn't even understand the concept of emotions until much later in the game. I'm aware I'm not some playable character in some JRPG but that doesn't mean I can't relate to his lack of experience when it comes to journalling. Well, not that I had zero experience prior to this course assignment but it's not like I ever bothered to even make it a habit! I don't really write down what I do because most of the time I'm relatively super unproductive doomscrolling my social medias.

Well, to say I was super unproductive is also a stretch because this week was the week I decided to finish and start my overdue art commissions which I will not share because A. I like the animosity of my "professional" art account and B. One of the commissions is probably something I should not disclose to the public willy-nilly on an account where my IRL friends can also identify me very easily (no, I will not elaborate on the content and if anything you can thank me for shielding your eyes of the horrors I get paid to draw).

I'm pretty proud of the work so far though, it feels like I've improved just a little bit more anatomy-wise and I should really get around to downloading different brushes online instead of relying on the default ones that IbisPaint has to offer. The defaults aren't bad per say, I just want to more variety that I'm comfortable using with. I'm also happy to hear that my clients are happy with my finished results/sketches and bless their patience because my slow ass could do better with my time management for this work. There's also another potential client I may have with a friend of a friend but I promised to finish my current ones before I could continue theirs.

What else have I done this week that doesn't make me look like a horrendous and chronically-online nerd? Not that it matters since many are aware I am one but it's not exactly something I'm 100% proud of either. I used to have complex but embraced being a nerd but now I feel like I should mask myself around certain folks when I joined my current uni. There's something about the environment that makes me want to shield myself from exposing too much. I do have friends from the uni that I can open up to but the level of comfort isn't necessarily on par with the comfort with my more introverted or high school friends.

Speaking of high school friends, One Ok Rock had recently released their vlog for their performance in KL last year and I could see my friends silhouette in the background of one the interviews they had with some of the concert-goers. I was kinda envious of those being interviewed but at the same time I also feel glad I'm not blasted on the official YouTube channel for thousands to see.

I still can't help but reminisce going to the concert though. There were some hiccups that I wish I hadn't started but the night itself was an experience I'll cherish just as much as when I went to see them the first time back in 2013. I also wish I had photos from the 2013 concert but alas the event organisers actually threatened the audience to shut down the whole performance if anyone was caught recording. I'll cherish my personal photos and clips of the 2023 concert where I can. It took a huge chunk of my Google storage though and I should really move them to hard drive when I can.

While we're on the topic of concerts, Final Fantasy has just announced today for their orchestra tour plans for Final Fantasy VII's soundtrack. Exciting right? It's not so exciting when you learn that's it's one of those occasions where they skip over Malaysia just to perform in Singapore instead. Tickets don't actually go on sale until sometime in May but I highly doubt I'll be able to save up enough for the entire logistics of staying in Singapore and purchasing the concert tickets themselves.

They used to come to Malaysia pre-covid so I'm both surprised and really dissapointed that they decided to skip over this time around. I really would've liked to hear One-Winged Angel live. For now I'll just settle to listening to the recorded versions online. I'm finally getting tired. It's 2:30 a.m. and I should get some shut eye where I can.

-rain

[rain-fluff]

Journal Five

I'm starting to wonder if the courses I'm taking this semester really is as heavy most have told me. At first I was only worried about my the more calculation/factual courses but I'm starting to wonder if the other two could start to be mentally draining as well. I'm not sure if I'm being overly ambitious with this particular assignment but at the same time I can't help but feel like I'm trying to compensate my lack of will from when I was still in art school (maybe both for all we know). Am I biting off more than I can chew or am I just overthinking it and should just accept free-reign of my creative freedom where I can?

Everytime I sit in this class I can't help but have these mixture of feelings of being too confident and lacking confidence. I'm overconfident because some stuff taught are things I know already but I can't exactly show off either because my execution hasn't always been the greatest and was a major factor why I dropped out of art school. I want to say I feel good with my work but the truth is I never actually do, even if it's something I have already set aside as a hobby today. Hopefully this particular assignment works out well enough but man I hate Adobe softwares. It took me like two hours just the get the programmes I needed but at least I've upgraded them from the outdated ones I used to use.

I definitely want to make my assignment themed after Final Fantasy VII though. I might as well make the assignment entertaining for myself right? I get to make goofy and silly sprites of Cloud Strife and Sephiroth for an event poster that is never going ever to happen. Who wouldn't like that?

Speaking of interests though, I was able to get a ticket to watch the new Spy x Family! Alone!! I had a classmate that said that it must feel nice to have a "me day" but honestly I'm a fairly lonely person and remembered being pretty desperate when I asked my friends to join me but alas conflicting schedules within adult friend groups will usually arise in these situations one way or another and it couldn't be helped. I did almost and could've gone with this one friend on a later date but for some reason I thought it would be the final screening (it wasn't, I was just an idiot who didn't know that screening lists refresh every Wednesdays) so I went ahead and bought a single premium ticket anyway.

I loved the movie a lot in spite the hiccups ! I can't decide whether I want to give it an 8 or 9.5/10 because I'm aware that I am rating it out of large bias due to my favouritism towards the pink gremlin but can you blame me when the author created such a loveable dumbass child? Anya is so silly and she feels very reminiscent of how I was as a kid being closer to the bottom of the class when it comes to grades but she still has this genuine earnestness to make her new-found family proud that it makes you want to root for her as much as you can. I think my only complaint was that there could've been more interactions between Anya and Damian but otherwise it was a very heartwarming watch and would not hesitate watching it again if I weren't so broke.

I also had a really good coffee and bagel for lunch! The jalapeno bagel with spring onion cream cheese paired with my caramel latte was so good that I appearantly had the urge to spend more money on popcorn and soda anyway for the movie. See, this is another reason why I can't go out alone because I spend my money too much when I'm by myself. (Yes I am fully aware that I am a responsible adult in my mid-twenties who overindulged please know that I'm joking because God forbid people know the difference between between seriousness and sarcasm in text form)

Hey speaking of money; I definitely may or may not have overspent my monthly financial support with a particular doll that I saw online. In my defense however, it is a very cute doll that I've been eyeing since mid January. In other news, don't be surprised if I don't write about outings after this because capitalism has me gripped by the balls and I can't escape it every month. Attached below is the doll I eagerly wait for arrival and an illustrative embodiment of what I will endure for the rest of the month. Cheers everyone!

-rain

[rain-fluff]

Journal Four

The CNY holidays felt like it flew by quick. Did I have the most eventful holiday? No, not really but it doesn't deter from the fact that I appreciate long breaks. Something about where I just don't have to think about going through the motions of life and just be; the break from it all is well cherished. It doesn't mean that the holidays were 100% uneventful though.

What was initially planned to be an Art Jam session ended up being a small gathering for dinner with close friends. While I do love the idea where you can relax and do art together, the company shared over a warm meal was still a welcoming experience (albeit a not so welcoming experience for my wallet but sue me they had unagi and I haven't had it in years).

The unagi was really good but I can't say I feel the same for the pasta it was paired with. The pasta itself was also pretty spicy so it was a good thing I ordered some honey milk to ease the heat for my palate. Would I go there again? Sure! They had tons of other food items I haven't really explored yet. Would I get the pasta again? Probably not. There was an unagi burger and I couldn't help but feel that maybe I should've ordered that in the first place. A note to myself for next time I guess should the opportunity arises.

It wasn't a full blown hangout but we had fun conversing and enjoying our meals, snuck some bites in of eachothers' dinners. Walking around just to take photos of each was also fun. I told myself I would update my Instagram more but are we surprised that I want feed to look in a particular order before I upload the set from this outing? Definitely not me. (Probably not some of my close friends if they're reading this blog though har har.)

I also went to my mom's hometown Ipoh just a few days after said outing. We had dinner with my aunt and cousin and the tom yum and lamb we're really good. We went mostly because my mom wanted to check in with her sister to see how well the progress for my cousin's wedding was doing. They didn't look like they were under too much stress so that was relief to see.

I didn't stay for the wedding itself but from what I saw on my cousin's Instagram account, it fit her retro aesthetic really nicely and her photos looked radiant. I wonder if I'll look like that if I ever get married.

Overall it was a pleasant break, though I do wish I took advantage of the time to do my own personal creative projects like oh I don't know, start scrapbooking even though I have been telling myself for years to start but never actually getting around to doing so. I also invited a friend to see the new Spy x Family movie but I'm pretty tight on money at the moment (thank you capitalism and your crippling chokehold on attracting me with your cute and aesthetic merchandising ways).

I hope the screening is still available early next month. Should I just watch it this coming week anyway? I feel like this blog is slowly becoming a food blog to be honest. Not that it's inherently a bad thing; it's just not quite me. Well you're definitely not finding out about the movie in this entry. 'Till next time my dear reader.

-rain

[rain-fluff]

Journal Three

Third week into the semester and it's only natural that I get stressed out with my course progression (right?)

I felt like crying when I just couldn't keep up with a peculiar class. Mostly because I'm blatantly aware of how slow I can be when it comes to calculations and lo and behold; the course subject is purely concentrating on calculations and data. It wracks my nerves when I couldn't keep up and I get too chicken when trying to ask questions because everyone else in the room could get it so why couldn't I? I feel inferior every time and it's not something I can voice out easily without feeling pathetic. It's dumb and I'm in my mid-twenties but that's partly why I feel so scared to ask questions; like I'm already at the age where I should be more than capable so why am I just never reaching that point yet?

With the semester block on its' way, I've resolved to take the time to do more studying for said course. My committment to said resolve is another story though because now I've also thrown myself to start and finish video games I've left untouched. Hey fun fact, did you know that I take a really long time to finish video games? So sue me, I happen to want to finish three different RPGs during my current semester because quite frankly I do have A LOT I haven't finished. Playing Final Fantasy XIII has been refreshing but I do wish it had the option to change voice languages since I preferred the English dub much more. I could get into modding it somehow but it's not so big of a pet peeve that it ruins my experience playing the game.

I've also just recently purchased and started playing The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles; a detective game that's been out for years but I finally managed to get a secondhand Switch copy for a good price. I can't help but be charmed by the animations and the diverse character designs. There's something so endearing about seeing human emotions carefully animated in a cartoonish format. Starting with just the few chapters of the game itself, it's really not surprising knowing why many like this game and I can't say that I regret my purchase. I can't wait to see Herlock Sholmes making an appearance but he won't show unless I play more of the later chapters.

I'm also looking forward to seeing my friends this weekend! I haven't quite hung out with them on outings for a few months so the meeting is absolutely welcoming. We initially planned to do an art jam of sorts but due to some minor last-minute conflicts, we settled to have dinner together instead. I can't say I'm too bummed out considering it will be less trouble trying to bring my own art supplies with our planned destination and there's always next time. I'll save the rest of the details for my next journal entry though so stay tuned if you're interested. Hopefully there will be more photos in the next than my current one but for now, let's just call it a night.

-rain

[rain-fluff]

Journal Two

It only took me a few days to finish but Hana Yori Dango has inserted itself into a small part of my brain and heart and has encompassed my entire attention span; fully fleshing out into a brand new hyperfixation that I never thought could possibly develop before I started my binge.

Is this show the greatest masterpiece that has ever existed in our current plane of existence? Not really. Is it a good portrayal of romance involving healthy and communicative relationships? Absolutely not. But it's the type of dumpster fire I simply can't look away from because the dramatics and emotional declarations of love professed by the characters are written so expressively entertaining that you can't help to wonder of what comes next. It's a great show to shut your brain off when you're in it just for the drama.

Besides that, there's something about the art style that's so charming that I wish is still practiced with today. Not to discredit newer ones because there are unique ones that stand out visually like Demon Slayer or Spy x Family but it doesn't quite capture the same flare you'd see in old 90's anime. Or I could just be bias entirely and have rose tinted goggles with anything that's from the 90's or 2000's that I never realize I have on 24/7 so to each their own really.

While I do appreciate the way the characters having better growth and development in the manga, I do feel that the anime had smoother delivery when conveying the overall plot. There were quite a few arcs and characters that I was shocked to learn was completely omitted in the anime. However, it's also not surprising considering even in the official manga; it doesn't really effect the core story asides for maybe developing rooms for the main characters to interact and grow.

The ending of the anime itself was also much more satisfying in comparison to the manga in my opinion but still gives the audience a satisfaction of having the main couple only loving and trusting each other from the last few chapters and beyond. Overall, this is definitely a series I wouldn't mind rewatching over and over again (surprise I already am) and will cherish alongside many other favourites.

In other news, my family had gathered for my brother's 31st birthday this weekend at a nice Italian restaurant we used to frequent. I think it has been at least a year since I've last went so imagine my surprise when my mother told me she frequents there for lunch every other week with her friends. It was an enjoyable dinner nonetheless, the margherita pizza will always be my favourite menu item and the tiramisu was a delightful palette cleanser later on.

The more I keep writing, the more I wonder if I can maintain a readers attention with my journaling. I'm a natural introvert who prefers my own company most times and often stay at home. I don't particularly have strong commitments to my hobbies either so I worry how much content I can truly provide as the semester goes on. I need to start digging deep with my hobbies again.

-rain