Hello, I'm Beth. This is a blog that does not aim to entertain, but merely to keep me from exploding with words. There's an about me page down there. It doesn't say much.
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agreed, livi, it is a very beautiful sex scene.
having just had a rant about people throwing away their virginity for the sake of their reputation, im remembering losing mine. which although it was only a year ago, feels like forever. i dont like saying i lost it though. that sounds negative. lost. i know it sounds soppy but i didnt lose it. I gave it away. I love alex so, so much. he didnt take my virginity. I gave it him.
I remember when we used to sleep in the log cabin. go to bed at 9 to watch Crimes That Shook The World haha. I remember the first time we slept together - just slept. apart from we didnt really sleep. we didnt have sex. we kissed all night. until about 5am. our lips were so dry and chapped after that. hours and hours and hours of just kissing. I remember, a few days before he'd asked if I was comfortable with him touching my boobs. I said yes and it was like a door opened to him. he never let go of them! but that night when we kissed for hours, he put his hand under my top... hadn't asked about that. I wasnt sure but I didnt stop him. and then the other hand went under, and then before I knew it my top was off. Definitely didnt ask if he could do that. But I let him. I was shaking like a leaf.
its one of my favourite memories. I remember how he smelled and tasted. sometimes, not very often, in fact hardly ever, but sometimes, he tastes the same again. and i have no idea what it is. no idea. but i love it. it makes me feel so happy.
it'll never be like that again. we'll never kiss literally until the sun rises again. I'll never have that feeling of nervousness again. or the thrill of something so new and so daring but so beautiful.
in a way i wish that was the night we first had sex. because by the time we actually did, we were comfortable enough together that it wasnt so much of a beautiful thing. it was still elating and memorable, but not necessarily so beautiful.
or perhaps that was just the blood and the following three days of pain clouding my memories...
how things change. i was so nervous when he took my top off that first time. and now i dont think twice about climbing out of bed naked in the morning and sauntering about without a care in the world. perfectly happy to sit in a bath with him for an hour or follow him into the shower in the morning.
he's changed too. he used to be so careful. so gentle, like i was made of glass. im not saying he doesnt care any more but a bit of unexpected pain on my behalf tends to go straight over his head.
i dont mean he hits me. maybe i should clear that up. but he's rough, and obviously that can hurt at times. it's perfectly normal and no he does not abuse me.
it's all so different now. its not bad. it's just different. completely different. I'll never forget what it used to be like, but I'll never regret how it is now.
I'm happy. I'm so so happy.
:)
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okay
its rant/babble time.
theres a girl who ive known for six years and she's never had a boyfriend but now because we're all 17-ish everyone's started having sex and nobody will shut up about it and so this girl felt like she should be having sex too so she found herself a boyfriend and hey ho they've been together for a grand total of 3 and a half months and all she ever seems to talk about is sex. and people always seem to be walking in on them. sex, oral, kissing, whatever it is, somebody always walks in and hence the entire school gets to hear all about her sex life.
so me and livi were talking about it, both equally as irritated, and we've pretty much concluded that a) its pretty much the main reason they're together and b) it's almost set up so that they'll get 'caught'
like the first time there were loads of people at her house and they thought hm yeah we'll just go and have oral upstairs, because obviously NOBODY'S going to wonder where we've gone and come looking for us.
and the second time was at a party. I mean seriously, a party? That's just asking to get caught. you'd have thought yeah maybe the first time was a genuine mistake but a second time? no.
... I get that you'd want people to know. if it's something you're proud of. I mean im not going to lie im proud of me and alex, we've been together for well it'll be three years in september and yeah im proud we're so close and so comfortable and so happy and im proud of our sex life because frankly it's amazing. and yes if the conversation concerns it then im perfectly happy to talk about it but i dont just want everybody to know! I dont want people to walk in on us and spread rumours about us! If we were at a party and decided we wanted to have sex we'd go home and do it! not in our friend's bed! how wrong is that, honestly?
Ugh why is it 'cool'? why is sex and alcohol and smoking cool? who decided that?
thing is i almost feel sorry for her because i know she'll regret it one day. I know she will. well maybe she wont but there aren't many people who are that emotionless in this world. i get that she wanted to join in, wanted to feel 'cool' like the rest of them, wanted to be able to share her stories instead of just talking about everyone elses. but surely waiting is going to have the better outcome in the long term?
its not just her obviously. its all of these people who just want to join in. but she's just the best example. ive watched it happen, literally from her sitting at the table at lunch moaning because everybody is having sex and she's not, to seeing her smug little grin when everybody sits around her on the bus talking about how erin walked in on her giving him a blowjob.
i get it, i get that you think about it all the time, that you're proud and your happy. im the same as everybody else. difference is, i talk about it with tumblr (which only livi knows about - oh and saul who found it somehow?) and my close friends. not the entire school.
maybe im just a loser.
or maybe im just not a sheep.
I just dont understand. your sex life is for and about you and whoever youre having sex with. your sex life is not meant to be entertainment for your friends.
Brendan said he thinks there's a 'coming out' process. like a period of time after you first have sex where you just have to announce to everybody that you're no longer a virgin. I get what he means. and in the case of the majority of people our age i suppose it is. they talk about nothing but the sex they had last weekend and the semen on her school skirt. but not everybody feels the need to announce their lack of virginity. me and alex were having sex for like half a year without anybody but our families even knowing. and even then, it was only when i was asked in front of a group of massive people if we'd had sex and I sat there silently turning bright red that anybody even found out. Of course then everyone found out because for some reason, everybody thinks it's their business. If it hadnt been for that im pretty sure only a couple of people would know. Livi, Will, Lauren, Sophie, Sam... They're the only people people who I've personally spoken to.
Maybe I shouldn't just assume everybody is like me. Because I know they're not. But why can't we all just be a little bit more mature about it?
I know I dont really have a right to judge people or talk about them like this or act like I'm better than them. But I just pity them a little bit. If they could see themselves. what DO they see? why do they WANT to be like that? Maybe I'm missing out on my adolescence.
... to be perfectly honest, I dont really mind. I dont want what they have. I want Alex, just us, and our privacy, and our secrecy, and our happiness the way we are, without haing to involve everybody else.
I have friends, and I dont need to exploit myself to keep them.
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Okay. Make me feel guilty because I don't want to have sex tonight. Then when I try to explain why, give me one word answers and fall asleep. Then wake up when my phone beeps, and ask what I'm doing on my phone. And then complain that I won't speak to YOU when I say there's nothing wrong. Maybe tomorrow, you'll see what's wrong.
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At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.
Plato (via univorso)
Actually, we just tend to argue
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Saul Clarke
Apparently you found and read my tumblr? And you were surprised? You know what they say about the quiet ones :) So... Enjoy, I guess.
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But trying to make somebody understand this is so hard
Not that I'm feeling this way at the moment. In fact right now, I'm really, really happy.
I love you Alex. I love you so much :)
This is the most accurate thing ever!!!
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Want to go to bed because I'm really tired but Alex is still at work and I feel like I should stay awake until he gets back and be a good girlfriend and cuddle him in bed rather than just lying here snoring like a walrus (no I don't actually snore at all, but apparently I do grunt in my sleep)... but I'm just so comfy, and the lamp light is nice, and my eyelids are heavy, and I'm wearing his dressing gown and it smells like him and its wonderful and I'm falling asleep oh so slowly but oh so surely... mmmmmmm bed...
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Nice hairdo baby xxx
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Locked outside the fucking house for two hours, and my mum doesn't even seem to fucking care.
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all this thatcher stuff has reminded me that I can vote in the next election. I'll be... not far off 20.
what if i ruin the country though?
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my music tech coursework CURRENTLY UNFINISHED I MUST POINT OUT is on about a C at the moment. Not bad... I know what I need to improve...
I'll be happy with a B. An A would be nice but its not going to happen. And I only need a couple more marks anyway.
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Margaret Thatcher had a family that is mourning her death and people that love her. Celebrating the death of someone who holds different opinions than you do shows an extreme amount of intolerance and apathy. Just food for thought.
I'm not celebrating her death, but frankly, although I wasn't around at the time, she utterly obliterated the place I live. We depended entirely on mining. Entirely. Did she spare a thought for our families then? No.
Similar, I suppose, to how David Cameron, (another conservative), is now cutting disability living allowance. Taking money from disabled people. Both me and my brother are going to lose our DLA - meaning my mother is going to have to find an extra £500 every month.
Nice one, Conservatives.
You see why I have a reason to hate them?
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