rainuponme

[rainuponme]

The girl nobody wanted

When I think about how God chose Leah, loved her and saw her even when the people around her saw her as undesirable and did not want her, I remind myself again and again that like Leah, God has chosen me and He loves me even when no man pursues me. And I want to always remember that and find my footing in this truth and not in my not being wanted.

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Shame and everything in between

This period has been so difficult for me emotionally. Something happened that triggered my past habits and thought patterns, and I was caught completely offguard by all of it. I realise that I still feel shame over my experiences with wm and ty - shame that I liked them so much when they didn't even have feelings for me. I feel so much shame that even just someone thinking that I might possibly like a another person made me feel shame. I felt, once again, a desperation and a need to hold a man's interest because that was how it has always been for me in the past. Even if I didn't like him, I felt myself wanting to hold his interest because that was my instinct - this made me feel incredibly shitty. All of this only exposed a deeper belief that I've held for a long time: I am not a woman worthy to be pursued, which is why I have to do everything I can to hold on to any scraps of interest.

This, broke my heart deeply. How is it that after all these years, I still believe in this? But I guess, having gone through with my counsellor all the defining moments in my childhood and growing up, I am now no longer surprised, as I've always had to earn the affections of the adults around me. And the worst thing is, even as I tried to earn them, I'm not always successful.

Set me free from my shame, Lord, and help me to believe that I am worthy to be pursued and loved because You first pursued me in love. Help me to see that I am worthy because You deemed me worthy, and not because of men's pursuit of me.

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Being "too much"

I often think of myself and the things I do in such a manner: too much. “I care too much.” “I feel too much.” “I think too much.” Yet where did I get the idea that whatever I feel and think is “too much”? What is the standard by which I am measuring myself? I realise that I don’t know it. There is some vague standard existing somewhere that I’ve likely conjured and inferred from people’s responses to myself and others, but I don’t know what it is exactly. Yet, I would almost instinctively tag the adverb to whatever I am doing. It’s almost if I’m saying that the amount I’m caring and feeling and thinking is bad, and not just that - it’s almost always bad. I need to have an adequate amount, but what is that? 

Since God loves and cares infinitely more than I do,  does that mean that He loves too much or cares too much? Putting God into this exposes the flawed logic of my thinking. Instead of “too much”, I see it as “so much” when it comes to His love and care. And if the love and heart I have for others is simply an outworking of His salvation in me and a small mirror of His own love and heart, then I do not care or love too much. Rather, I love and care very much. And to love and care very much is a good thing, because it serves as a mirror, albeit a foggy one, to the abundance of His love and care from which my own is formed and refined. 

I want to stop saying “too much”, and to stop seeing all these as only bad. I want to now say “very much” and see God in it. 

[rainuponme]

The desires of my heart.

On the last day of my Taipei trip in December, I had a simple yet profound encounter with God that could be explained away as a coincidence, except that it wasn't, and I knew it. Back then, I sat on the stone bench trying to process all that was happening before me and I knew that I was missing something. There was something God was telling me through this but I wasn't getting it. It bugged me, but I decided to just give it time. Today, I got it.

On that day, I decided to make a trip to the stretch of trees that divide the traffic along the Zhongxiao Dunhua area because it was under the shelter of those trees that I experienced God's gentle embrace and protection for the very first time. There was something about the way the branches stretch out and intertwine, and with their leaves coated a deep green, quietly provided shade. I remember feeling deeply moved when I first stood under those trees in June. It was an inexplicable feeling, and it came quite suddenly, catching me completely offguard. This time round, I wanted to go back to where I had first experienced this feeling, but since I couldn't quite recall and not all parts of the tree stretch could be entered, I decided to pray for direction. I walked as I felt led and finally arrived at what I could vaguely recall to be the exact spot, found a stone bench that was far enough from people, and sat down. It was in the moment when I lifted my gaze that I realised that a particular bakery that sold really good and fresh mochi was directly across the road from me. I remember feeling shocked. How could this be? This bakery wasn't some tourist-famous franchise where you can easily find in Taipei. Moon recommended me to check out the bakery because she knows I love mochi very much and would definitely enjoy their mochi, but I was too tired to have to figure out the way to get there that I decided to forego it. I have already had mochi the day before, so that should have to do. So when I saw the bakery right before me, I could scarcely believe it. It was in that moment that I felt God telling me He would provide for me and He cares for me.

I went on the trip alone because I felt extremely exhausted and drained from all that I had poured out to serve, care, and think for others. It was to the point where I wondered if I even mattered at all - does my very person matter? This moment was God's way of telling me that I do matter to Him. I not only matter to Him; He knows me. He knows even the smallest desires of my heart and they matter to Him. I finally heard the whisper: Trust Me.

[rainuponme]

The end of 2024

Reflecting on the year that passed felt like such a tiring affair that I had been putting it off. It did cross my mind to just move into the new year without any reflection but I thought it might be better to just do a half-ass one than to not have anything to look back on. I started on Jonk's list of reflection questions that was picked from the questions that Jesus asked in the bible, and as I got to the 8th question, I realised that I had difficulty recalling anything that I did that was remotely good. What I did remember were my struggles, my mess, my mistakes, my feeble ways of fighting for control. When I got to questions about deepened convictions and growth in faith, I was stumped. What convictions did I have for 2024 that strengthened? What growth in faith...? I do not know. I only know that I am still here.

I feel really beaten down by 2024. Very. It was a year of many painful lessons and much unraveling of my unhealthy ways. I worked very very hard, but much of the hard work did not always pay off. I faced many failures in my teaching, and if we were to measure my efficacy based on the metrics of the school, I would have failed because I did not meet many of my teaching outcomes. I think the constant self-evaluation of every single thing I do for my teaching has finally taken its toll, because my evaluation is almost always harsh. I hardly give myself much space to breathe, and I think the fact that my work is also my calling made it that much harder for me. On top of feeling like I had failed at work, I felt like I had also failed God. The focus had been so much on my performance to provide myself any form of validation that I think I had lost the plot completely. During the second teaching semester, I felt like I had lost myself. I had lost my way. Where was God in all of this? I asked myself. Everything was about my performance and me.

Still, I do not want to end my reflection with such doom, so I shall endeavour to recall the good that has happened. By His grace, I was nominated for the ICC Teacher of the Year award (though honestly, I find it hard to accept this nomination because my struggle with my own teaching made me feel like I am completely undeserving of this nomination). My friends are still with me, and there was no big family drama this year that broke my heart. I made some reliable friends at work - this was something completely unexpected for me because I hadn't planned on making friends with my colleagues. I have much favour at work among my colleagues and my bosses. A few students thanked me for my teaching. I have learned that I needed to be patient with my students - patient in the sense that I should give them time to ease into things (be it the content or interaction with their peers), as well as give them time to slowly show themselves to me while I slowly learn who they are as well. Much grace has been shown to me and I am still loved. I remain to be loved by the people around me and by God. Perhaps, that's the only thing that truly truly matters.

[rainuponme]

Voiceless musings #3

In reading my latest Instagram post, the quote from Dane Ortlund struck me hard: "But in terms of our individual distinctiveness, the glory of Christian redemption is that it is in union with Jesus that we are given back our true selves. We finally begin becoming who we were truly created to be." Its relevance does not escape me, especially at a time where I had, once again, built an image that I was forcing myself to conform to - an image constructed with the world's desires and expectations; an image I knew the world would approve. And once again, I see my own folly.

I thank God for the clarity and discernment, for loving me enough to bring me through all of this to show me what I needed to see.

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I am seeing now that what is truly unsustainable for my line of work is my harshness towards myself. If I continue to be this harsh and uncompassionate towards myself, it is going to be very difficult to continue teaching here. It isn't so much that the work I have to do is difficult and the way I do it that is unsustainable; I am the one making it unsustainable and more difficult than it should be.

[rainuponme]

Voiceless musings #2

Wow, being incapacitated by this terrible cold has afforded me much time to take a step back and look at teaching with sobriety and perspective. As I looked through my work chat and attempted to respond to a few queries, I realised that despite having taught the module for a few years now, many of us are still figuring out how to best teach the content. We are still trying to understand the content in the course guide and we are only realising certain flaws with our activities now. I am starting to see how there is no "perfect" course guide, no "perfect" teaching, and everyone is just trying their best based on their current understanding, thinking that what they have prepared is good and effective, and working on improving how they have previously taught the material so that it can become better. Lesson activities that turn out not to be as effective as we had hoped is not as terrible a thing as I've made it out in my mind. It really is just a natural process of teaching as we continually improve our materials and teaching methods, just as we learn to cater to the different student profiles every semester. Every class is just... different. And it's okay.

I am starting to see how needlessly harsh I have been towards myself for every single mistake, thinking that I have set my students back with a teacher like myself, when really, how much are they going to remember from one module? In the end, every batch of students still get through the assignments, every batch of students still receive my best efforts regardless, and every batch of students leave the module having taken with them different things. This is really just one module out of the many that they would take, and I can only try my best to build their foundation so as to prepare them for what's ahead. But other than that, what they choose to make of what's been given to them is really beyond me. I can only give my best, but what matters more is how I see them and treat them. At the end of it, do they feel like they matter as a human being? Do they feel like they are valued? Do they feel seen and heard?

I remember the very first thing that God taught me when I first started teaching in YPLS. This was my very first time teaching in a school, before I had even started my Master's, and God said to me, "I did not put you here only to teach. I put you here to love your students." Teaching is just one means through which I am to love my students. It is not the priority. The priority is love, and it will always be love.

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"Being" an academic

For as long as I could remember, I have always been striving to be "smart enough" to be worthy of where I was placed. And from the moment I had my foot in academia, I felt like I didn't belong because I didn't fall under any of the academic archetypes. I am not particularly brilliant nor do I have a very deep knowledge of the subject matter to which I have chosen to specialise. But even then, I am now at a crossroad where I am pondering over the direction to move forward in my research - do I continue with what I used to do or shall I pivot into pedagogy? I do not have a large capacity for many tasks, which means that I am unable to take on as much as many of my colleagues are taking on. I want a life beyond work, and I want to spend my free time on things that are not related to work and would bring me joy instead of burying my head in more research articles to build my expertise, which puts me behind others who constantly devour and produce research. Reading research articles is still work to me even if I enjoyed the subject matter. I didn't want everything that I do to be related to work, yet I feel guilty for not putting in more time and effort into building my knowledge and expertise. Seeing how I am made me convinced that I do not belong to academia and because of this, I consciously and unconsciously strive to be worthy of my place in the university. I would often measure myself with the question "Am I academic enough?". I feel like I need to do more to be worthy of being in academia, but at the same time, I feel like I am not made to be like the archetypes within academia. This tension became especially pronounced the moment I was given my full-time position, and now that I am in my second year, I see my knees buckling at the weight of the pressure (both self-imposed and perceived, and expectations from others).

Deep down, I desire desperately to be one of the academic archetypes. I suppose I have knowingly and unknowingly believed that if I were that, I would feel worthy and secure in my place in the university. My pursuit to be "worthy" has only betrayed where I put my worth and confidence in - not in God but in an idealised image. And I think being this ill (to the point that I've lost my voice and cannot teach) made me see this clearer than ever. Losing my voice hit me harder than I thought. Everything came crashing down on me as I felt completely unworthy as a teacher - absolutely useless. I can't even teach! I had to cancel classes even. My "only saving grace" was robbed from me. I used to think that even if I wasn't a great academic, I could at least still be a good and effective teacher. I only now realise how I was using that as my main source of comfort, and now that I cannot even teach, I am made to face the ruins of the idols I have built in place of God.

Now here I am, in the mess of my own doing and insecurities, with a broken body that has no more energy to strive, and the illusion of my worth desiccated, I come to God as I am. No more striving to be something. No more building of worth on the world's or my own terms. In the place of all these things I pray for His truth to take root and blossom. In His economy there is no striving and my worth is tied to Him, the immovable, unchanging, and good God. My place in academia is not tied to anything that I am but everything that He is. Because He has placed me here, I belong. There is a place for me. But better still, there will always be a place for me in His kingdom, even if all places on earth are taken from me. May I hold all things loosely in light of eternity.

I shall rest and I will rest, because I can rest.

[rainuponme]

In His image

"I'm just taking a page from your compassion for your students." "I can tell that you're naturally compassionate towards your students."

I noticed that the recent comments that my colleagues made about me was on my compassion towards my students. I didn't really pay much attention to it until now, because I never really considered myself compassionate, much less naturally so. But when I think back on how my heart is just naturally inclined towards my students and how I am almost always thinking for them, I can see where my colleagues are coming from. And perhaps, in the way that I speak about my students and treat them, my colleagues see something.

What moved me most deeply is the revelation that this supposed "natural" compassion that I have for my students is a gift from God. I thought about how we are made in the image of Him, and we each hold a mirror to a part of Him. As we grow closer to Him and have ourselves transformed by Him to be more and more like Christ, our mirror of Him becomes cleaner and clearer. What a great privilege it is to me that I get to hold a mirror to His compassion, and for such a reflection to be so apparent that even the people around me could see it. What a wonderful thing it is that I carry something so beautiful within me because its nature is found in God. I can't help but contemplate the weight of what it means to be made in His image and to be conformed to Christ, and I can only pray for the grace to carry it. For on my own, I can do nothing good of such a nature. And I pray that the people who are drawn to this compassion would be drawn to Christ. I don't know, really. I only hope to show them who Christ is through whatever good it is they see in me, because it is God who made me good.

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Mandy shared in her podcast that before she starts creating art, her prayer to God is this: Help me to create something true and beautiful that says something needed to the world.

And this got me thinking, God, that there requires a shift, a transformation, in me that would help me to look at both writing and research differently. In starting this process of publishing where I need to write a paper and move into research again, I am confronted with the two things that have haunted me for the longest time: writing and research. These two things that hold my history of rejection, are tied together with some of my deepest fears of failure. Change the way that I look at them, Lord. If there’s anyone who can do this, it shall be You.

“True and beautiful”… How would they look like in the work that You’ve given me, Lord? 

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The revelation of His heart through teaching

It has been a year of living my dream. An academic year of teaching has now passed, and I have never been this challenged by the students that were given to my care. It was in this year that I realised how I had been shielded from the difficult and ugly parts of teaching for the past three years. It was in this year that I witnessed arrogance that had no qualms of slighting me, indifference that caught me offguard, and a lack of remorse that deeply grieved me. Displays of all these really challenged me. I have to admit that I was challenged in a good way because I realised where I needed to learn to be unwavering and secure, and I needed the tenderness of my heart towards my students be tested to know of its strength. If I were to teach for a long time, I will have to come across different students with different challenging personalities and circumstances in order to learn how I should deal with all of these wisely. I constantly asked myself these questions: How do I live out the gospel in these instances? How do I carry the heart of God into these situations? What do I do? What do I say?

I do not purport to have done anything perfectly, because I fumbled so many times. But one thing I do know clearly: I have sought only the best for my students. When I reflect on the tenderness towards them, I know for a fact that it comes from God and not from myself. I have seen the hardness of my own heart and the inclination to abandon any love I have for people, yet my heart towards my students is persistent and growing, which can only be explained as divine - something I have no ability to conjure within myself. I see it most prominently after a recent student wrongdoing where, even after a confrontation with irrefutable evidence, the student remained unrepentant, unremorseful, and had no trouble blaming me for their own wrong. While my heart died in that moment and anger rose within me, I found that I still cared for that student - my heart remained inclined towards them and I still desired for their good. This surprised me, because I thought that my grave disappointment towards them would have severed any form of care or inclination towards them, but it didn't. This, to me, was also divine. In that moment, I felt the Lord reveal to me His heart for His people - the grief and anger He feels over His people and their hardened hearts, but most importantly, the deep love He continues to have for them in spite of their rejection. I saw how the different verses in the bible that spoke of God's rich love, abounding grace, and desire for repentance come to life. I know that what I have experienced is only but a glimpse, but it was in this that it became clear to me how I get to share in God's heart and know Him more intimately through teaching. And I am thankful for this relationship with Him.

Quite honestly, I am afraid of the next academic year, as I am sure that I will be confronted with more challenges and I will be meeting different students as well. But I pray that I will lean into Him even more, carry His heart more earnestly, and trust Him in all things.

[rainuponme]

My 2023

2023 was a year of big changes - I closed Raeil, started my full-time position as a lecturer in NTU, and I could finally return to church after more than 8 long years of waiting. In seeing two of my biggest dreams come to fruition, I am reminded of His faithfulness even when I have given up on my dreams and had scarcely even dared to hope for them. God being God - my faithlessness and hopelessness did not deter Him one bit; nor did my bitterness. This year wasn't an easy one, and I think by now, I am aware that no year will ever be easy. If I am determined to go where the Lord leads, there will never be an easy year. All things worth doing will be difficult, Zie says. I have to begrudgingly agree. As much as I would love to take the easy way out of all things, the truth is that many things that matter cannot afford the easy way.

I am thankful for the friends that have remained with me for yet another year. Friendships that have lasted for year upon year have deepened and enriched in different ways. While there were losses I had to come to terms with, there were many gains too. I am grateful that there are friends who deem me important to them despite how I felt about myself in the friendship. In my wavering, they remained unwavering. They did not need to affirm nor assure me, yet they did out of love for me. While my fear of heartbreak remains, there was courage to love still. I hope that my heart has grown a little stronger in loving through the fear.

I am thankful that my family is still with me, and we have amicable enough a relationship (after many years of estrangement) to have frequent dinners together and even travel overseas. Our trip to Taiwan this year was the first in many years and it was also the first time my mom did not throw tantrums that resulted in the entire trip being unbearable. She was a little different this time. I am also trying my hardest to see her beyond her problems and to see more of where she's trying. While it is extremely difficult for me due to our thick history of pain, I thank God for even showing me more of my mom despite it all. There remains much to work through, but I am thankful for even the smallest of progress.

I am thankful that God remains my God, and that He is who He says He is, because if not, I don't know what I would do. May You always keep me, Lord.

[rainuponme]

Yet another year...

December was one filled with tears upon tears as I was confronted with three big things that broke my heart--friendships, my mother, and the way I view myself. These were things that have circled within me for a long time but I was unaware of them until recently.

I realised how I often looked at my friendships through the lens of loss, which triggers my flight response. There is often a tussle between wanting to withdraw from my friends and wanting to remain, knowing that my flight is an unhealthy one. But out of fear of more heartbreak, withdrawing is the easier way out. It was also through conversations with a few friends that I realised that I viewed myself as unimportant in the lives of my friends and, therefore, I'm always trying to earn my place in their lives as they moved through the seasons while preparing myself to be phased out eventually. This, too, is linked to my incredibly low view of self, where I believe that my friends can and will easily find other friends who are better and can journey with them through their life changes better. What can a single woman like me offer as different friends move into marriage and parenthood?

I remember crying as I realised, with greater awareness, how lowly I viewed myself and wondered why I was treating myself this way. I live believing that I am of little worth and importance, nothing much compared to others around me, undesirable and unlikeable. Why am I like this? Why do I feel so much? Why am I not more of this and less of that? Why am I not like the other person? In these questions I am reminded of what Jovian said to me in cell one night about my work, which I believe is more than just about my work, "You already know all the answers, Minn. What you need to do is to embrace and accept yourself." Ironically, it was my prayer this year to view myself soberly--neither elevating nor condescending myself out of insecurity. Yet here I am, doing the very thing I prayed not to do. But out of His love for me, He shows me that the way I view myself is not sober. It is not right either. Where is He in all of this? My prayer then, for 2024, would be to love Him more, and hopefully in this deeper love, I would learn to accept and embrace who He created - me.

While 2023 was a year of dreams coming true for me, I realised that the joy from this was shortlived. My tendency to focus on my shortcomings and insecurities robbed me of my joy. A part of me thought that with such breakthroughs, my life would completely change. But while some things have changed, many things have remained the same. The painful relationship with my mother remains. It was, yet another year, of struggling with hurts from my mother, new and old. When I came back from Taiwan, I looked around and realised that so many things stayed the same as they were. I wanted to escape from this life, escape from my mother, from my responsibilities, from my pain, from my shortcomings. I wanted out but I'm still stuck here, with all sorts of mess within and without.

This morning, the sermon from CEFC struck me hard. Into His hands I surrendered my life afresh. If there is anything I want, it would be to move where He leads. While I may still be stuck here, it shall be here that He meets me and moves me. There He shall be with me. I don't know what the new year would hold and I am greatly afraid, but into His hand I shall put mine, taking one step at a time, because if 2023 was a year of anything, it was a year of His faithfulness.

[rainuponme]

My wrestle

Reading 1 Tim 2 over two weeks ago during my quiet time with God left me in tears because of the harshness in tone and the implied blame upon women. It took me close to two weeks of struggle before I arrived at a resolution of sorts, and I wanted to put it here for the sake of posterity. Hopefully when I look back on it again, I will realise that I have, over the years, gained a deeper insight and revelation as God journeys with me through my womanhood.

What helped to sort of resolve my struggle with 1 Tim 2 was reading how Jesus treated the adulteress in John 7. The entire situation then was a classic example of a woman being unfairly blamed. For an adultery to happen, it required the presence of another man, and to be caught in adultery also suggests that a man was caught in the act of adultery with her. Yet the scribes and pharisees only brought the woman to Jesus, almost absolving all blame of the man while unfairly implicating her to be the main bearer of all blame and the sin of adultery, when the man also had an equal part to play. The fact that they brought her before everyone in the temple was absolutely humiliating for the woman, almost implying that her sinfulness was greater than those who were present, almost justifying the humiliation because she deserved the condemnation for the very sin she had committed. But Jesus turned the tables on them and returned the woman her dignity. He challenged their condemnation by having them examine themselves and their sinfulness - “who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” In that statement, he brought into equality the states of the woman and those in the crowd, in that he challenged their belief/assumption of their own “holiness” above the woman and showed them that they were all sinful, just like the adulteress. Sure, by all means punish the woman, but only if you are absolutely sure that you are free of all sin. By that very statement, He turned the humiliation meant for the woman against the crowd, especially the pharisees and scribes. 

Jesus did not join in vilifying the woman, and instead, after all have turned away because no one could cast the first stone due to their own awareness of the sinfulness of their own hearts, said that He did not condemn her either. Of all the people who could condemn her, Jesus was the only one who could, but He did not, and in that act of mercy and compassion coupled with the way He overturned the humiliation upon her, restored her dignity. 

One of the reasons I was so hurt by 1 Tim 2 was because of my own hurt at home where I am always blamed for the mistakes of others, especially my brother’s. Even if I am not at fault, I will be blamed by my mother, for whatever reason she can concoct to place that blame on me. And all this while, I always held on to the belief that because God is different and does not behave like my mother or the world, I can always fall back into Him and be comforted that He is on my side. But 1 Tim 2 was phrased so harshly that I couldn’t help but take it personally. How could God allow Paul to say something like this and then have it be in the bible? It hurt me very much because I thought God was different. 

Why is the woman always told to submit and be silent, blamed for the downfall of men? Why aren’t men spoken to as harshly in the bible? Are we lesser beings? Where is the equality in this? Okay, if women are to shut up and not be given authority over men, then shouldn’t men step up to be worthy of the authority accorded to them? If not, there are plenty of women who are absolutely capable and even more capable than the men for leadership positions! So just because we are women we are told to step down? When Paul said that the woman was the one being deceived to eat the fruit not the man, it felt like he was blaming the woman for being gullible and stupid to be tricked into eating it. Then what, Adam has no blame?!

I was infuriated and hurt. The world blames women enough already, and now the bible too?! But as I was trying to process 1 Tim 2, I was challenged of my idea and belief of equality. I was made to face my secular understanding of it and the need to have it reshaped. Men and women are created for different roles, and the original design and natural order was for the man to lead and the woman to follow. But the world we are living in now is so fallen that I don’t know if I can ever really fully understand or see God’s original design for men and women to be completely good, but if there is any equality to hold on to, I am seeing more and more that it’s not about the roles we are given but the true treasures that we are given that reveals that God values both men and women equally. For both men and women, God did not withhold Himself and gave Himself for us, His sacrifice on the cross was for both, and both are heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ - we will all receive the inheritance set aside for us. The HS is given to both men and women in full, His love in full - all of Him is given to us in full. 

I am reminded of the parable of the talents, where it isn’t even about how much each person was given, but how each one faithfully sows with what has been given to them. Perhaps all this while, equality in God is really not about the gifts or roles we are given, but rather about His giving of Himself to us, man or woman, unreservedly.

I also tried to reconcile my understanding of 1 Tim 2. I realised that the reason the devil targeted Eve was because it wanted to overturn the natural order that God had created - it was a targeted deception. It wasn’t that Eve was more gullible than Adam that was why she was chosen. She was chosen because in order to overturn the order, she has to be the one who was deceived to eat the fruit, to “take the lead” in making that happen, and have Adam follow. And perhaps Paul recognised this, which was why he had to emphasise that it was the woman who was deceived. This would mean that the devil will continue to target women with its deception because its goal is to always stand against and create chaos to the natural order that God has originally designed and have deemed to be good. Perhaps this was why Paul wanted women to be silent and to not have authority over men, so as to uphold the good of the original order. I am still not the most pleased with what Paul said, but I am reminded to hold on to the heart of God—His heart demonstrated through Christ, through the way Christ regarded the adulteress—even when there are things that I do not currently understand. After all, on this side of eternity, all I know is in part, but I will eventually know in full when I see Him face to face one day. 

[rainuponme]

This would risk sounding absolutely nerdy but I am so thankful for the companionship and friendship that books afford me. They are my best friend. It is more than just giving me the words I need to make sense of my feelings and thoughts; I do not need to even attempt explaining my pain and tears. Books are just there, as they are, carving a space for me as I look into the worlds they've created, as I relate to the pain and humanness of the characters in them. I am less lonely with them around, and I felt this most acutely in my recent wrestle with God, where, for a short period, He was no longer my safe space. They temporarily settled me in their cradle as I faced God, little by little, and trudged through the mud of confusion, anger, and hurt.

[rainuponme]

Time

I always find it fascinating that the past exists with the present, and the boundary between the present and the future is but a fuzzy one - one that you can define only if the future is seen to be more distant and the present is but a collection of "present moments". I love that when I look up at the stars, I am looking at their past glory; I am looking at their past. I get a glimpse of how they were years and years ago - a privilege granted to us. In a way, our past is one that, once passes, we cannot access anymore, and so the past glory of the stars that we see on earth is one that the stars can no longer see themselves. Yet in another way, our past is not completely inaccessible in that it disappears completely. We find traces of the past, tangible or intangible, in our current spaces, in the person that we have become, in the paraphernalia of our past activities that held our youths, hopes, dreams, disappointments, joys, sorrows, etc. And perhaps the stars whose past we are witnessing are also looking at the histories of our world, depending on how far away they are from us. They are gaining access to our past.

I wonder about the rigidity in which we view time, the linearity of it. We are beings who are time-bound and we see the marks that time leaves on us, in us, and around us, yet we can scarcely wrap our heads around what time really is. What a mystery time is. Perhaps the movie "Arrival" got the concept of time better than we do - the circularity of it. Or perhaps time cannot be seen in just one dimension or direction, and that it's both circular and linear. I don't know. But I guess it is not knowing that fascinates me.