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[rainygardenpersona]

“I can begin again, to speak of love without apology,”

— Sandra Cisneros, from My Wicked Wicked Ways: Poems; “Rodrigo in the Dark,”

[rainygardenpersona]

A False Salvation

days melt into each other like sloppy kisses / when you live on the pinnacle of sweet sedation / and own a holiday home on the peaks of a high / for dinner I disappear into a tub of wine / and give myself over to an extra gentle dosage of denial

I no longer see a friendly danger in the silverware / temptation doesn’t bloom in my mind when I glance at the balcony / my corset no longer feels like a cage, and neither do the iron bars around me / I know that the walls are not asking my fingernails for their autographs / I know that these marble floors are not made for me to hover above

I’m a willing lamb, a blindfolded dove / an open mouth and closed eyes / hooked on sweet sedation, a false salvation / with a backbone as stiff and still / as a branch in a hurricane

but in the dead of night when the sentries have left their posts / and the fanged eyes have gone back into their caves / I run my tongue along familiar blades / and remember what it was like to ride with the wildness / hanging on to the tailgate of every whim that sped across my mind / I smile at the memory of dancing with the fragments of my spinning chaos / the fruit of the blade drips over my lips and I savour the taste / of being in love with my madness

[rainygardenpersona]

الأمراض النفسية بشكل مختلف .

[rainygardenpersona]

[rainygardenpersona]

Future citizens of Mars may have already been born.

[rainygardenpersona]

April 25, 2019

I can’t sleep and I can’t stop thinking about how fast it happened– how two years of friendship can just break apart from one minute to the next. I want to blame myself for everything, as I always do, but I can’t this time.  I won’t allow it. 

I just hope you know how difficult it is for me to do this– to go from texting every day to forcing myself to not even think about you.  It’s not easy.  This… this isn’t easy.  I already miss you so much and I want to regret everything I said, but I don’t. If I should regret anything, it’s how I didn’t say goodbye the proper way, but by the time I knew it, your phone number was gone and nowhere to be found on social media anymore.  I guess that’s how we move on– cutting people from our lives.  I just forgot how painful it is from the start. 

It hurts thinking I won’t see you in a few months like how we had it planned out, but I want to believe this is for the best. 

I’m sorry I didn’t give you an explanation. I guess that was really wrong of me to do.  The last thing I wanted to do was say something while I was angry and say something I didn’t mean.  I know how I am and I know how I can get.  And I’d hate for you to meet that really cold part of me. 

I told you we can’t be friends because I feel it’d save me from a lot of pain in the long run.  The news you told me– it hurt me so bad.  I can’t believe you would do that.  I don’t understand how anybody could do that? I know you’ve done it before, but it never bothered me until now.  Now that we’ve done things.  Now that we exposed ourselves to each other.  You made me feel so comfortable with you.  You made me feel like I could trust you. 

Then you do this– with a random stranger at that.  I cannot wrap my head around that and the thought of it makes me so sick to my stomach.  How could you trust this person?  How could you let them in unknowingly aware of the outcome?  You say you think he wants you to stay, but what makes you think he won’t be doing things behind your back? with other men? unsafe… After you told me what happened, I lost so much respect for you. 

If it were with anybody else, so long as you knew this person already in your life, I know for a fact I wouldn’ t be this upset.  Because you made me feel like such a tool– an object for your desires.  It’s heartbreaking to know that I didn’t need to be someone you knew or trusted just to be in the same bed with you. What hurts me the most is that I keep picturing your body with them.  And I haven’t had this feeling since that Finnish guy shared beds with my ex and me. I guess you could say this is all triggering me to remember those awful moments too.  And the worst part is that it’s 2:00am and I have nobody to call.  Not even my own friends because I’ve been pushing them away.  And I must say, I’ve never felt more alone. We should’ve just never done what we did.  I don’t regret a lot of things, but I’m regretting it so much right now.  I never thought we’d come to this. 

I know that I said that I was over you and my feelings were gone, but I didn’t know that you being so honest with me was going to hurt so much either.  I’m as shocked as you are, but as I mentioned earlier, I wouldn’t be this angry if it wasn’t a stranger. 

I’m sorry for feeling the way I feel, but I can’t help but feel the feelings I’m feeling.  As I write this with a heavy heart, a part of me just wishes that you’d call me.  And make me talk things out with you.  And make me apologize.  And make me realize that my feelings are valid.  And tell me that you care.  And show me that you want me in your life. 

Tell me what I need to hear, because I need constant validation.  You don’t have to read my mind to know what I need to be told.  I don’t want to lose you as a friend.  But I also don’t want to feel this way about you either.  So, what do I do? 

Are we passed the point of no return?

[rainygardenpersona]

The Promise

we are broken, beautiful

fractured pieces of our dreams

shattered glass, fragments of time

what we have is what remains

shards of hope, mixed up and lost

in loss, in memories, in disappointment

we hold onto, desperately cling

onto the slipping rope, fleeting

faded into yesterday, held

even shorter tomorrow

despondent smiles of life’s wreckage

damaged but resilience, faithfully

believing that the future, still

holds a winning hand of cards, the

promise of a brighter, sunnier day

@followcb | Copyright December 11, 2018

[rainygardenpersona]

aesthetic asks

raindrops: what’s your favourite song to unwind?

scented candles: do you enjoy reading? if so what’s your favourite book?

chai latte: your starbucks/coffee order?

fairy lights: do you sleep with the lights on or off?

peaches: do you enjoy photography?

summer nights: summer or winter? or perhaps something else?

neon lights: describe what you’d do at 2am with your best friends

winged eyeliner: do you wear makeup?

bath bombs: what’s your favourite lush product?

soft kisses: ever kissed someone of the same sex?

fire crackles: describe your ideal winters evening

spring flowers: what’s your favourite flower/plant?

messy buns: if you could dye your hair any colour what would it be?

warm tea: what’s your favourite tea? if you don’t like tea, what’s your favourite drink?

full moon: do you prefer the stars or the moon? tracing constellations with your eyes or picking the petals off of flowers?

constellations: do you have freckles? any that resemble anything celestial?

young love: have you ever fallen in love? if so describe how you felt

holding hands: kisses or cuddles? stay-at-home dates or out-and-about ones?

cold mornings: what time do you wake up? are you an early bird or a night owl?

sleepy cuddles: lace or silk? nights in sheets with the one you love or afternoons hand-in-hand?

[rainygardenpersona]

What a Rush

I want to write more love poems and I want to do it soon. I don’t want to write of heartache. I want to snuggle beneath the moon. ~ I want to write more love poems and express the love in my heart. I want them to inspire and be reminders when apart. ~ I want to write more love poems and share one each and every day. I want to write more love poems, but to rush is not the way.

~*~ SCK120118

[rainygardenpersona]

[rainygardenpersona]

Lost I was when you entered my fray,

Lost I still am when you have gone away,

What an irony to be in such a state,

When you called us a thing of fate,

And yet, there is no you,

Without you, there is no me,

Without us, there is no we,

Thus, I am left to rue.

- DG

[rainygardenpersona]

Via Instagram

[rainygardenpersona]

bad but not bad but bad

separating the man from the poem is like trying to divide waves and water, i thought in the middle of a meditation, which was bad but it wasn’t and i tried  to remind myself of that, but not too much.  the sun came down so hard it made me wonder why sunstorm isn’t a word. i looked around and all my friends were there, waiting on a red light, waiting for coffee,  i nodded to one of them and got back to meditation, which was nice, ‘cause i didn’t have to think too much about the previous lines.

[rainygardenpersona]

[rainygardenpersona]

: @theewhitewitch

[rainygardenpersona]

How many parts of the body have never, or even will never, touch each other? Has your left elbow ever touched the heel of your foot? The pinkie toe the kneecap? Some body parts have co-existed so close to each other for entire lifetimes and have never come into direct contact.

[rainygardenpersona]

You know my name,not my story.

You know my name, not my story.

You’ve seen me smiling as bright as the sunshine, not resting my face between my knees for hours on end.

You’ve seen me listening to Sia’s Cheap Thrills and tapping my feet, not murmur Floyd’s Wish you were here.

You’ve heard me speaking the truth when it was my mistake, not lying when the fault wasn’t mine.

You’ve seen me doodling flowers and funny things, not the twisted threads of black in my soul.

You’ve seen the always-elated me, not the gloomy me.

You’ve lived the frolic moments with me, not the terrifying darkness that engulfs my soul each passing day.

You’ve heard the random words I spoke, not seen the love for you in my eyes.

You know my name, not my story.

//Tanisha//