rainywizardgardener-blog

[rainywizardgardener-blog]

Myself

Soo.. I just want to talk about myself and everything that goes inside my head at this moment. I didn’t even know how to start this post so I’ll just start writing even that goes through my mind right now even if it won’t make any sense because it’s going to be a total mess

First of all, yesterday I had to break up with the girl that made my world crazy it’s the girl I had a crush on for like 2 years, she was all crazy, a mess, funny, beautiful, smart, talented but I loved her the way she was and yeah I got to say this it was just a 1 month relationship people will say I am crazy that I got so in love with her in 1 month but trust me no one ever made me feel like her in 1 week actually so was my dream girl, but she had 1 thing that kind of ruined it for me, there were few things that she was lying about. I didn’t care at first because she was the girl of my dreams but slowly they starting to freak me out and I am a paranoiac so slowly things in my head got messed up and it hurts so bad knowing that my dream girl lied to me. I really want to know if she lied about all and the was acting that way just to make me fell in love or she was really like that and there was a real reason to lie about. I am still in love with her and if she would text me now telling me what was the reason for her lies I would be so damn happy, it might make my world get back together. Even if I told a friend and my sister I am over her and I wouldn’t want to be back with her thats a lie and I don’t know if I am ever going to get over it.

Another thing is that I am virgin, yeah I got say this somewhere in public hopefully it will make me feel better, I am 23 years old close to 24, I never had sex with a girl because I never got to that point, I only had 2 relationships the one I talked about earlier and one more which doesn’t matter. I always wanted my first time to be with someone I felt something for, like I yeah I wanted to be in love with the person I first did, thats the reason I never just wanted to go with a girl and do it because I don’t know how this will sound to you but it could’ve happen but it just wasn’t the way I wanted it so yeah. Maybe some of you that maybe are going to read this will say it doesn’t matter you are 23 and a virgin, the others will laugh about I am sure of that and I would say it won’t matter for me but it will just make me feel even worse because I can’t get over the fact people think have sex it’s the most important thing in this love, like just go out there and fuck someone. My idea about sex is do it even a lot of times but with people you care about or you respect, even if its a one night stand but don’t just dump them next morning make sure they know whats all about and you just feel attracted to them and want to share important moments with them. I really don’t care if you will say I am a loser for thing about this, just throw anything at me you can’t make me feel worse, I am already feeling like dying, I am the point I don’t care if I die now but also I don’t feel like committing suicide, I just can’t do that.

Also there is one more thing that I am not happy about, since I’ve been young I heard my parents talking a lot about other kids, how succesful they are, how proud their parents are and it’s true they did told me they are proud of, it’s just that I never felt that way. I gave up on 2 colleges by now I don’t know if I even ever wanted to do them or just started because of my parents, yeah they were not mad at me for doing that, in fact they supported me but yeah I did tell them I  will do some course they will be proud of I just didn’t find something yet that would make me happy but I jusst want my parents to be proud of. In my head I was always annoyed of how they were talking about others succes I never like that thing and if I told  them they would get upset and I don’t get why. Like I really want to make them proud but if they talk about others succes it will make me feel worse like when I was young and I said how others kid parents are or what they got me they would say something like I don’t need that or they are not like them it would make them upset but it would be total normal for them to compare me to other kids that are more succesful, more talented, better learners. 

This is all I wanted to say, I know last paragraph was kind of a mess or that how it looks to me but I had to say it I don’t care what you think. The more I wrote about this stuff it made me feel better and I really don’t feel like dying right now, somehow it made me happier talking everything that is going through me.