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Federal Employee Performance Evaluations

Listening over the past couple of days to the debates about the economic stimulus bill has left me thinking about jumping off the nearest skyscraper. I did find some evidence as to why it takes so long to get anything done in Washington, DC.  The way the politicians are fighting back and forth, we may soon be under British rule again. You know what that means…we all will have bad teeth, extra tax on tea, and a strong desire to watch Faulty Towers or Monty Python all the time.

These are Quotes taken from actual (U.S.) Federal Employee Performance Evaluations. I do have to give the supervisors writing the performance evaluations credit. They should get points for saying it like it is. That’s pretty unusual in D.C.

Enjoy…

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." "He's been working with glue too much." "He would argue with a sign post." "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd receive change." "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." "One neuron short of a synapse." "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled." "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Here’s what I think. We need to start thinking a little more positively. When everyone (including the government officials) panics, bad things happen.  (Stock market crash 1929) All the CEO’s and CFO’s also need to look at alternatives to laying people off. Here’s an idea, cancel your bonus and save the jobs of your employees.  We need to do our part and start being more careful about our debt and housing situation.

It reminds me of when you wake up in the morning and realize you’ve overslept. Before you know it you’ve convinced yourself that the rest of the day is going to be terrible because of one mistake. You know what’s funny…you usually get your wish. If you let it ruin your day it will.

Let’s change things starting now. 

 http://ohmygov.com/blogs/whats-so-funny/archive/2009/01/30/quotes-taken-from-actual-u-s-federal-employee-performance-evaluations.aspx?postcat=&miid=&pid=4629

[raisingkidssotheydontkillyou]

Pre-School Commencement Address

I have been asked to give the commencement address to the pre-school graduating class of 2018. My last successful run at the title of valedictorian occurred in my pre-school years where I excelled at “not wetting my pants 101” and received my masters in “not sticking green beans up my nose 101”. My master’s thesis revealed to the world that the vitamins in green beans cannot be absorbed by the nasal passages. It was published throughout the world in Pre-Schooler Monthly’s science and discovery section. (Right next to the “evils of eating crayons” section). My speech is as follows. Please try to keep up.

“I’d like to start by thanking all the fabulous professors and teachers here at (Insert pre-school name) and of course, the graduates of the pre-school class of 2018! (Loud thunderous applause).

Pre-School is done. Your life is just beginning. Eating paste will no longer be acceptable. Inserting crayons up your nose is also frowned upon. You will only be allowed to continue these childish habits if you secure the advanced title of “Class Clown” or “Small town newspaper writer,” although I have gone to rehab to kick my paste eating habit. Stay away from the paste kids. It can only lead to trouble and a long stint in rehab with Gary Busey. Gary smells funny, so I suggest you give up “The Paste”.

Kindergarten will be filled with wonderful changes. You will get your own cubby space to store your valuables. The teachers are always nice. There are difficulties too. Now brace yourself, children, nap time will be eliminated due to the poor economy and the government’s vast conspiracy to make you tired all the time so you overpay your taxes. I’m working on exposing the evil people who have eliminated naps from all nap lovers throughout the United States. (I’m pretty sure it was Rush Limbaugh). Now settle down children, crying will not help. We have to band together to stop this injustice! Who’s with me?!!

My advice to you is simple and will be given in short, concise sentences.  This will be the last advice you will get that won’t involve long explanations and references to the speakers past that will have little to nothing to do with your future.

Stay off the monkey bars. They are the main reason for stitches in grade school.

Moms will try hard to get you to eat vegetables. Resistance is futile.  Your revenge will be taken later when you wreck her car.

Don’t be a bully. The children you bully will someday be your boss. You will be the first one laid off.

She thinks you’re cute. She will give you a valentine. She will kiss you at prom. Then she’ll run over your heart like a possum in the center of the road. Be ready.

Don’t forget to go out and play. This should continue throughout your entire life.

Teachers talk to Mommies. Mommies talk to Daddies. Do I need to say more?

Don’t be embarrassed if you wet your pants. Grandpa and Grandma do it too.

Good luck children. Remember, you will rule the world someday. Now one of you needs to plan on being a great doctor who can cure the disease that will ravage me in my old age. By the way, great doctors don’t eat paste. It’s a prerequisite for getting into medical school.

Now, go forward and play.

��#\W

[raisingkidssotheydontkillyou]

College or No College, it's a Legitimate Question for all Kids.

College or No College, it’s a Legitimate Question for all Kids.

I’m sure this article is going to make a few of you upset. I don’t mean to ruin your day but we need to discuss this. So, I’m going to come out and say it…college isn’t for everyone. There, I said it. The nerve of some people. Now let’s look at my reasoning for such a nonconformist opinion.

The stress put on high school students to do well on their college testing exams rivals the stress level of…

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Are You Becoming Your Father? How to Recognize the Signs and Symptoms…

Are You Becoming Your Father? How to Recognize the Signs and Symptoms…

As time goes by you realize your Dad wasn’t as completely insane as you thought. What I now understand is that my definition of insanity during my teenage years was actually my father just experiencing what all fathers go through…confusion. Not confusion in a dementia sort of way, but more in a “Nobody tells me anything around here” kind of way. No matter how hard he tried not to, he still ended…

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How’s your kids Brain?

How’s your kids Brain?

I received an article this week via email from my beautiful wife (Raking up points) regarding concussions in sports and their long-term effects. Being she is a school nurse it is important to keep up with this type of information and pass it on especially to schools with athletic programs.

The term concussion means “injury to the brain caused by a blow; usually resulting in loss of…

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Do your kids wear their seatbelt?

Do your kids wear their seatbelt?

Everyone here in the Midwest is complaining about the need for reform in driver’s education to stop the untimely deaths of our teenagers. Here’s my take on the whole thing.

It was a tragedy what happened a couple of years ago in Oswego, Illinois wear 5 teenagers were killed in a vehicle driven by a 23 year old drunk driver. I don’t condone drunk driving by any means. She’ll do time in prison and…

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Where’s Junior playing today?

Where’s Junior playing today?

How many times have you heard this conversation starter? “I’ve got to take little (insert kids’ name here) to soccer at 4, then to basketball at 6:30, then to the batting cages at 9. He’s going to be the first triple pro sports figure of all time!

Whatever happened to letting a kid be a kid? Why do we push them from one sport to another? So we can talk on our cell phones and avoid interacting…

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Who’s in that small silver pick up truck driving around town?

I would love to hear from you! My email address is bigpapascott4@gmail.com. If you want to send me a question, I'll try to make a blog post to answer it. Or if it's personal, Just leave me your email and I'll answer your question asap

It’s my son John! Another driver added to the household. My driveway is beginning to look like a used car parking lot. Oh, hold on, the mailman is here, I’ll be right back…did you miss me? O.K. let see what he brought. I’ve been approved for 6 new visa cards, Ed McMahon’s annual letter is here, another time share offer to Las Vegas, and what’s this? It’s a letter from my insurance agent (who also…

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Going on vacation when you have kids in sports. God help you!

Going on vacation when you have kids in sports. God help you!

I struggled with this week’s column because I’m a little worried about the ramifications of this article. I hope it doesn’t make life difficult for my kids at school.

Has anyone out there had as much difficulty as I have scheduling a family vacation around the practice/game schedules of their school athlete? I lucked out last week and escaped to Colorado. I did have to come up with a covert…

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Stick Around For Your Kids

I’ve been working in the medical field for 30+ years now. I find there are a lot of people out there who have been ill-informed (pardon the pun) about the workings of medicine. I feel that there is a real lack of information regarding health care in the United States. People don’t seem to know a lot about what happens when you get sick or hurt and need to go to the hospital. Lack of knowledge about symptoms of major diseases, problems with communication between Physicians and patients, and the language barrier (by this I mean your Doctor talking in “Medical Speak” instead of explaining things so you understand them).

So, let’s start with a basic rundown of some of the symptoms you as a person need to know about. We’ll start with the number 1 killer in America. Heart disease.

 Some of the symptoms of impending heart attack. (Remember, heart attack bad, living good)

  Chest pain with exertion. (going upstairs, walking fast or jogging, watching   your daughter go off to college) If the pain is relieved by rest, go to the Emergency Room NOW!!!

Chest pain with pain going down the arms. (Especially the left arm) or in the jaw.

Chest pain with shortness of breath. Can be the signs of an artery blockage or heart failure.

Swelling in the lower legs with shortness of breath. You may also feel the need to sleep upright in a chair.

 All of these symptoms require immediate attention. Not after the game, or the “Dancing with the Stars” marathon, or the business meeting. If you don’t do something about this, the next business meeting you have may be with the guy who passes out wings in heaven. A nice place to be, but you want to avoid checking in early if you can.

Oh, and one other thing. You can jog 3 miles a day, eat nothing but rice cakes and yogurt, and spend all your free time trying to look like a supermodel and still have heart disease. Knowing your family history, such as if your parents, grandparents, or a brother or sister have died young from a heart attack or have had heart problems, guess what? It could be your turn real soon. Go to the doctor and have your cholesterol checked. I can’t tell you how many healthy looking people I’ve seen show up in the E.R. with a very surprised look on their face saying “I jog and bike 5 times a week, I can’t be having a heart attack.”

 Some of the symptoms of a Stroke. (Remember Stroke also bad, living good)

  Numbness or weakness on one side.

Difficulty talking or trying to say one word and a completely different one comes out.

Dizziness or passing out.

Changes in personality or confusion.

 Most importantly, go see a Physician on a regular basis. An Emergency Room visit once a decade does not count as seeing your doctor regularly. Think you’re a tough guy and don’t need to worry about chest pain or high blood pressure? I’ll be seeing you soon. You’ll show up in the emergency room all blue (and I don’t mean sad) we’ll try to get you back, but it doesn’t always work. Why not stop in before you do your impression of Bernie in the movie “Weekend at Bernie’s”.

Now from a health care professional and part-time writer here’s what you need to know if you are admitted to the hospital or have to spend some serious time in the Emergency Room.

 Welcome to (insert hospital name here)

  Medicine is not an exact science.     We do not have that little machine that Dr. Leonard "Bones"     McCoy had on the Enterprise.     I’m sure it’s coming, but the FDA will take so long to approve it I’m sure     I’ll be dead. We still have to make a diagnosis on the process of elimination theory. Be truthful with your healthcare provider and this process will be a lot quicker.

  Stop calling the phlebotomist (blood drawers) vampires. They are about to put a very sharp object into one of your veins or arteries, and you don’t want to make them mad. More information is gathered through blood test than anything else. Each test requires a certain amount of blood. Blood also spoils just like milk. You can only use it for so long. Yes, it hurts, I promise you’ll live.  I’ve seen grown men who came in the ER     with a huge gash on the top of their head that requires 15 stitches. They walk in, grab a magazine, and wait for 10 minutes without even a hint of pain or discomfort. Show them a needle, and they hit the floor faster than a prom dress on prom night. You have about 6 quarts of blood in your body. I promise we won’t take it all.

  If your doctor won’t spend time with you and explain why the exams and reasons for them, get a new doctor. Most good physicians will spend time answering your questions. This is part of medicine. It is their job to make sure you know what’s going on. It is your body, not theirs. Ask them what tests you’re going to have and why.     You should always know why you are having the test. You always have the right to refuse any test or procedure at any time.  

  I know you’re sick! I know this isn’t where you want to be. I know you’re in a bad mood. I will do everything I can to make you better. That’s why I picked this profession;     it sure wasn’t for the money. Remember, hospital workers are there to help you, don’t take out your anger on us. We want to help.

  If you are not paying for your healthcare be grateful for the services granted to you. It is not your right (yet) to get healthcare for free. Hopefully, that will change someday. The way the system works is that the insured people are greatly overcharged for the services received to make up for the people who have no insurance. That’s why the procedures, meds, and everything else is so costly. None of these charges matter, because the insurance companies pay whatever they want for the test, service, or doctor’s bill. Imagine this, I walk into a department store and pick up a new lawnmower. The price of the mower is $250.00. I walk up to the check-out person and when she asks for the $250.00 I hand her $52.55 and say “that’s all I am going to pay for this, tough luck for you” and walk out. You as the department store clerk or security guard cannot move to stop me because the government has chained you to your counter. That’s how billing works in hospitals. It’s a     game of cat and mouse. Unfortunately, the cat is the size of a high profit, multi-billion dollar industry that has the government in its back pocket. The mouse doesn’t have much of a chance.

  Need your appendix out? Go ahead and go to your local hospital. Need a heart bypass? Do some research and go to a big University hospital. Basic procedures are just that, basic. They can be done anywhere. When you need something more complicated done     (bypass, brain surgery, kidney or liver disease, transplants) you need to go to a university that does a lot of those procedures. Repetition makes a difference. The more specialty operations a hospital does, the better they get at it. It falls under the “practice makes perfect”     heading. I’m not only talking about the surgeon, I also am talking about the support staff.

  Most of the time, it’s not the Physician that saves your life, it’s the nurse or paramedic that acts on your crisis and saves you long before the doctor gets there. In life or death situations, having well-trained support staff in place will save your life. Being able to recognize a serious issue before it gets out of hand is the key to preventing an early conversation with your loved ones that have crossed over. Thank the nurse or paramedic, she or he is most responsible for you getting better.

 Hope this helps. I had to get it off my chest. (Another bad medical pun)

 Scott.

[raisingkidssotheydontkillyou]

Cell phone’s and your kids (and you)!

Today’s topic…Cell Phone Etiquette or lack thereof. Even here in the lovely metropolis of New Lenox the ugly cell phone manners demon has reared its ugly head. I was at a restaurant in New Lenox (you don’t need to know which one, this has happened to me in more than one restaurant) just about ready to order when at the table next to me a young lady gets a phone call and decides to answer the phone during dinner. I was sooooo enjoying the obnoxious ringtone at that point I was hoping she would let it ring and ring and ring. Nothing better than a rap song ring tone loud enough for all of us to hear. When the little princess finally answered it, she was so incredibly loud in her conversation I feel I should share the contents with you as she was kind enough to share them with everyone in the restaurant. Why should you miss out because you decided to order a pizza and watch American Idol? So, here’s what I learned from her conversation:

Jessica is not who everyone thinks she is. She likes to party.

Jason likes Jessica but doesn’t want to start a relationship before he goes away to college. (I like Jason, he’s smart)

Abby can’t stand her boyfriend. He drinks you know.

This cell phone is so lame. It never works right. I only use it because my Dad won’t pay for a new one. (The nerve of some guys!)

Jessica wants to like marry Jason. Like ASAP! Like I think that’s total @*%#&%#! (insert the mother of all bad word here)

Cory is going as far away from his (or her) parents as possible.

Amanda has been working at Starbucks in Orland and can get us like free coffee and stuff. (I like Amanda too, but she’s going to get fired)

I’ll be at Jessica’s party on Saturday night, but I’ll be late, my brother is having his lame birthday party. I don’t know why I have to go. My parents are making me. (like isn’t Jessica going to be like mad because you like said she wasn’t like what you thought)

High school was so boring. I can’t wait to go to college where I can do whatever I want. (yeah, good luck with that)

I’ve got to hang up now; some dude at the table next to me is giving me a dirty look. I wish people would mind there own business!

Later.

 Here’s the best part, the waitress at this point was tired of waiting to take her order and asked her what she wanted. Instead of asking her friend to hold, she pointed to an item on the menu and barely acknowledged the waitress. She went on with talking to her friend at the table that she had been ignoring for the last 5 minutes like nothing happened. Even her friend appeared annoyed by the whole Jessica/Jason/Cory/Amanda story. #get me the hell out of here.

 So, to avoid further aggravations regarding public cell phone use I’ve found myself drawn to a distant mountain. After many hours of climbing, I came upon a burning bush shaped just like a cell phone.  The burning cell phone bush has sent me with these…

10 Commandments of Cell Phone Use!!

(Insert scary thundering voice here)

  I hold ye responsible for switching your phone to vibrate in any public gathering establishment. Failure to do so will result in many unexplained dropped calls.

  I will not under any circumstances answer my phone when checking out at the store. That’s what voice mail is for. Behold the power of Voice Mail.

  Talking way above a normal conversational volume is hereby forbidden.

  Failure to use your turn signal while talking on your cell phone will be punished by multiple traffic citations.

  “Text Messaging” is not a recognized language. But it is allowed as a more tolerable form of communication.

  Turning thy cell phone off is not a sin.

  Talking on your Bluetooth headset while walking through a crowd of people makes you look crazier then Paris Hilton on a day pass.

  Under no circumstance should you use thy cell phone during a trip to the bathroom? (We’ve all heard it from the stall next door) Can you say Voicemail? I knew thy could.

  Cell phones shall only be issued to children over the age of 12. Any child under the age of 12 caught with a cell phone will be forced to go play outside.

  Walkie-talkies were cool when you were a kid. Now they allow the whole world to hear both ends of your boring cell phone conversation. They are hereby forbidden in public places.

 Behold thy rules and live by them. We owe each other the courtesy of a little peace here and there. We all need to use the cell phone, not just every minute. Don’t make me take another trip up the mountain!