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[ramblingnonsense]

We were a “don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about” household and now I am physically incapable of crying

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I also feel like I need to obtain approval for anything that I want to do. I’m guessing this is a trauma response to my childhood.

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I realized that I feel it’s selfish for me to have any sort of self love. I have a distorted view of what’s “arrogant” and what isn’t.

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So I’m using Magic the Gathering Arena to combat my fear of failure / making mistakes.

Thankfully the game doesn’t record your win loss record, so my perfectionism doesn’t kick in. Playing it makes me have to make decisions on the fly and adapt to the situation.

Basically impossible to plan meticulously. Not having the record makes me able to keep trying over and over without having to feel humiliated that my record is “bad”.

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I’ll never be normal and that’s fine. My experiences, pain, mistakes, and emotional intelligence can help people. I can see the things that occurred to me in my childhood that caused me to have my warped thought patterns. Being able to see, analyze and unpack these experiences will allow me to help others or even help break generational curses. I see the flaws of my parents parenting style. Their addiction and the lack of self love they have. I can take these observations and use them to help my family and friends avoid the same pain I and my parents experienced. I just wish my brothers would take me seriously. One is becoming increasingly depressed, and is drowning himself in alcohol like my father and the other is becoming increasingly angry and intolerant of everything.

I just need to start this journey of breaking these curses with myself as the first person I help.

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“What if God’s goodness is not found in His ability to prevent evil, but rather in His unceasing commitment to open up new opportunities to live and laugh, despite evil.”

– Andre Rabe

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Ya know when I think about it, Gods forgiveness has some interesting implications. An all powerful, all knowing, all righteous God forgives people of their bad decisions and mistakes. All knowing implies that he knows exactly what you did, why you did it, your state of mind while doing it, your viewpoint and the viewpoint of the person who you’ve harmed. He knows all that and still forgives you. That’s wild honestly. Idc if you don’t believe in God, stay out of my notes. I’ve been holding onto this mistake for years now, if God doesn’t hold it against me, what right do I have to hold it against myself? The person may not ever forgive me but i deserve the peace of forgiving myself and learning from the past.

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I didn’t mention because I was afraid of being judged but I asked someone else for pictures when I was drunk and manic (I am bipolar) and it’s the thing I regret most in life. I was so guilty I ended up telling her and that probably shattered any chance of it happening again. One of the reasons that I don’t drink anymore because I never want to hurt someone like that again.

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Just realizing now I can honestly talk anyway I want on here due to my anonymity. Wow that’s a huge relief. Okay first things first. I am fucking lonely, jeeze. I’ve been in love with my ex from when I was 18 for the past 10 fucking years even though we are both adults now.

I love when I get the chance to talk to her but she never responds if I initiate the conversation. It has to be at her own volition. I just want to see if we can be friends again is all. I know that we’re completely different people than we were in the past but seeing your life go so well has brought me smiles and sadness. Sadness because I didn’t witness it with my own eyes and had to see it on a phone screen. Happiness because you’re happy and prospering.

I’m also terrified of being a creep since it’s been so long but I honestly have not felt a connection to anyone else since. I don’t even know where she lives anymore.

It’s honestly not fair to her though because like I said in the other post, no one knows the real me. The me that she loved was just a mask, and she showed me her true self. Maybe because I thought everyone was suppressing themselves and seeing someone act so genuinely was beautiful to me.

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sunny day 🌞

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gouache on watercolor paper

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sunrise

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Zariel & Cleon OC commission for wejesssaying Thank you!

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Girl studies

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I mainly currently suppress myself around certain friends. The ones that talk shit about each other in person and behind the others back. I don’t wanna say such hurtful things. And I don’t want them said about me so I just internalize the shame when they mock the other for something I may have done similarly.

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I guess I’m desperate for approval? I’ve always had to preform for respect and at least to me it felt like I had to preform even for love. Get good grades. Don’t ask for a lot. Listen to and do everything and anything the authority figure says. Believe this political ideology or you’re an idiot. Obey the Bible or you’ll go to hell. Do this. do that. UGH. It is never ending and is frankly traumatic.

I say I’m desperate for approval because I’ve never had a chance to be the real unfiltered me. No one has met the real me. I haven’t even met the real me. How can someone who isn’t known by anyone including himself receive approval? I guess that God’s approval is all I have right now. That’s cool and all but I’d like another person to see my worth and show it to me. The only true part of me that had existed from the beginning of my life is my Kindness. I don’t care if it’s arrogant to say. I’ve denied it my whole life saying “oh that’s arrogant. I do it because it’s the right thing to do”. Let me have this one positive trait okay? Thats all I’m holding on to right now.

At least that no matter what I’ve remained kind despite my experiences and mistakes.

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Oh and I definitely used to be much worse about suppressing my personality. Karl Jung’s theory of the shadow self and the personae apply here. I used to take all of my personality as the shadow self and put on a mask of agreement. “Oh, yeah, I’ve seen that movie, yeah I love it!”

Hell i used to lie about believing in God when I was younger because my friends at the time (don’t talk to those guys anymore thankfully) were militantly atheist. I don’t care what you do or don’t believe but I would fight tooth and nail for your right to believe/not believe it. But I don’t think people should be so blunt and pushy about it. This goes for religious missionaries too. With the invention of the web there is no reason for this. People will google and discover whatever suits them.

It’s so hard to meet people I can comfortably talk with. I definitely have amount of friends that could be considered an enormous blessing and I’m extremely grateful for them, but there are only a couple I don’t suppress parts of myself when I’m with. It’s not that I’m worried they’ll judge me I don’t think. I just know that some parts of my personality would not go over well with them. I don’t change my opinions to agree with them our anything. Im pretty stubborn in my beliefs and I don’t force them on anyone. Idk I’m high as shit and only posting this cause ik that most if not all of my close friends won’t even see this lmfao.

[ramblingnonsense]

It’s so hard to meet people I can comfortably talk with. I definitely have amount of friends that could be considered an enormous blessing and I’m extremely grateful for them, but there are only a couple I don’t suppress parts of myself when I’m with. It’s not that I’m worried they’ll judge me I don’t think. I just know that some parts of my personality would not go over well with them. I don’t change my opinions to agree with them our anything. Im pretty stubborn in my beliefs and I don’t force them on anyone. Idk I’m high as shit and only posting this cause ik that most if not all of my close friends won’t even see this lmfao.