ramenzazos-blog

[ramenzazos-blog]

[ramenzazos-blog]

so, a lot has been happening and i’m not sure where to start.

i broke up with lynn for about five seconds due to my insecurities and to my upcoming transplant, which wouldn’t be happening if it weren’t for her undying love for me and how ridiculously selfish that girl is. i don’t get why she’d give me anything, but she really would. i bought her a house as a thank you for, y’know, giving me life. but people keep... pushing it. it’s not her that makes me feel shitty, it’s everyone that’s expressed interest in her.

but i’m the one that gets to marry her, so, i suppose it’s all good.

i’m proposing in just a short week or so. eight days now. she has no idea of when or where it’s going to be, but i have big plans because i ruined hers of proposing to me without meaning to. i’ve hardly been able to keep half a mind on the shooting of the movie that’s happening. i’ve been so consumed by my relationship, but i can’t really help it. my world really does revolve around her. moreso than hers does around me. i don’t know how to feel about that, but i love her and am thankful for her. so. so damn thankful.

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i relapsed.

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i think you’re giving in and i’m giving in, too. we both have our vices and i can’t keep holding it together anymore i can’t do it i can’t i can’t and i’m sorry. 

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will my goddamn brain ever stop telling me this will it ever make me think that only a damn drug ever will 

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hey look it’s me :))

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them: you’re worthless me: haha thanks i almost forgot

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you just said you’re gonna have to get used to me not being there and i hate it so much because this is something you’re gonna have to deal with for the rest of your life and i’m so fucking sorry i’m so fucking useless i’m not even good at being the psychotic neurotic obsessive girlfriend that everyone thinks i am i’m not good at anything i can’t even be there for you because all i wanna do is claw my own skin off.

[ramenzazos-blog]

so apparently someone else’s into lynn and i keep trying to stop being the obsessive clingy girlfriend everyone apparently sees me as. i just don’t know how to? like should i just propose we have an open relationship or some shit even with how much it makes my heart and stomach clench to think about ever sharing any part of lyndsey? i have so many goddamn jealousy and dependency issues and it’s showing and it’s not gonna be long before she sees it and i don’t want her to see me that way. i don’t want it i don’t want i don’t want it.

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who wouldn't b in love with you tho lol

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i can’t help but imagine the worst and the worst is people with my condition when on dialysis tend to live a lot shorter lifespans and the worst is i can’t let you be so dependent on me the way i am to you i can’t have you need me because i’m not sure how long i’ll be here and i’m so scared i’m so sososo scared but i think i need to pull away.

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i woke up and my guts came flying out of my mouth i feel disgusting

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red - taylor swift

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i'm so sad for my beautiful country. te amo, mexico lindo.