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It's been a minute here. I don't know if I know how to do this. Life has come together and fallen apart in some ways. I've let some people down. I've held some people up. I still feel like a fraud half the time. I don't see in me what other people see. I want to, but I don't. I see it in other people, easily. I've always been the one to idolize other people even with their flaws and cracks. So now I'm eight days out from forever. Scott is drunk in Nebraska at a conference. I'm together alone. I have a giant brief due Monday. No Ellie, no Scott, just me. When it comes down to it, can I just say I don't like me very much sometimes? I don't like my own company. That's a scary thing. Marriage is terrifying. Not because it could fail, but because it could succeed. I have a crippling fear of success. So much so that I intentionally fuck up. I can't do that. In both the literal and metaphorical, I'm the debt in this relationship and he's the asset. Ok enough of that pity party. I'm marrying someone I love. Whose parents slapped a 7k ring down and gave us 10k for a wedding present. Me? I charged his ring, six months no interest. One shouldn't assume I've got extra funds. Bonuses are quarterly, the month is tight. We will get through it. I'm sure of it. I'll pay down my debt and grow. We will go on our walks and have our cookouts and go live. It won't be easy though. Man, what a weird last few years it's been being single. I thought I'd marry any number of other people, and by any number I really mean just two. That makes things a little odd. I cried cleaning the jewelry box out of Ben's old jewelry. I took a $300 necklace and turned it into $30 at a cash for gold place and told him about it. It's petty but I hope he felt shitty. I did about him for a long time. I realize I handle break ups much better if I'm the one breaking up. Both of those I saw a future with broke up with me. It's a little unsettling, or something. I romanticize about the past way more if I wasn't the one cutting things off. Was it that good? I don't trust my judgement. I've missed writing things down. I keep them all locked up.
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Of course the ex would message me. It's been months and I've enjoyed the quiet and not crying. He's still married. I will be too on Friday. There will be no dramatic moment of him divorcing and fleeing here. I knew that a long time ago. Even if he did I wouldn't trust him not to run back or panic. It's been almost two years since he flew down here and noped out suddenly. Still there's a grain of hope. Hope for someone who proved to be horrible.
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I'm getting married, likely before the month is up. That's hard to wrap my head around. I'm excited, happy, and nervous all at once. I didn't see this coming. I know where it's going, but it's still unnerving.
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I get that I'm happy and happiness equal weight gain but I really wouldn't mind a little misery at the moment. Damn. How'd that happen? Candy and liquor. Food and just sitting around smiling until my face hurts. Shakes and bananas and sadness in small doses. Richard Simmons would not get behind my diet plan.
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So we are in JCPenneys and we are talking about some mall cop who was so excited to meet me. "Yeah, he's a pastor. He always keeps talking about how he could be an usher or something at the wedding." "Wedding? We getting married?" "I mean eventually don't you think?" "That time in Penneys where you asked me to marry you.." "I mean, not really." "Sort of." 😂😂😭😭
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When you're amazing and everyone loves you and thinks you're great and you want to be like wtf. Here are my secrets. Now we will never speak again. Only Ben knew how bad or odd things got in spots. He didn't judge. I thought it was because we were forever material but he didn't judge because he was married. He wasn't going to put me in check or really be concerned because it wasn't his problem at the end of the day. Sometimes I want to windmill it all down. Then I realize if it's so bad I wouldn't Tumblr it or text it, it should stay with me. Maybe it's irrelevant. Or maybe it's an elephant.
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If a playlist says it's not been listened to since August, driving through the rain and fog is not the time to click it. Oh, feels. I can't be catching someone else's feels. Not my virus. Fortunately these things run their course in a day or two. I'm wound tight lately. Some of it is warranted. Scott has been button pushing and when I call him on it I get sincere apologies and then he does it ten minutes later. I think he's not used to girls. It's like being a dick to one of the guys and just keeping on because it's funny. In a way some of my buttons are funny. Like me having to GPS is hilarious in a way. In a way though it's not. I'm real sensitive about my memory issues. I've been clear. I've lost my chill. I'd wonder where it went but wondering is probably not wise. I don't think I ever was chill, I've always been anxious. Man I'm poor. This dog thing maxed out my credit. Worth it though. I did the math. I'd have been nonfunctional for at least a week. That's bad for business worse then the dog expense.
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Calculating
He's gone for literally 14 hours before I make my way up there for the weekend. It feels weird without him. It feels weird with him too. I'm normally more calculating and this isn't. This just happens. It's real odd. Got to work, got to market. The ex is going to Rome for 10 days. I'm glad he switched me a few days or I'd have E all month long. Three days to chill are important. There's so much to do. Instead of doing it I sit around and beat myself up about why I haven't done it yet. My back hurts because I didn't know I needed to take my mega ibuprofen three times a day. I was taking it once. Then I looked at the bottle and was like "oh, damn you stupid". Last night coming back from Big Orange Scott was like, "you drive too fast." I giggled.
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I guess the good thing is I talk my issues out. Like “Yeah, I don’t really want to go to the Razorback game this weekend with Ellie because of your screaming. I can’t handle it. It scares me.” “I’m just yelling at the tv, not you.” I explained that it doesn’t matter. I just don’t want that in my environment. I think the point was made. Most times it doesn’t bother me, but I was drunk and he was LOUD. That game was awful. When Violet came home last night she peed on the “This house calls the Hogs” doormat and I didn’t even blame her for it. It seemed reasonable based on basketball.
I’ve both enjoyed and not enjoyed having someone around all week. My house isn’t really ready for it. There’s too much stuff, too much muchness in terms of physical objects. I also don’t know how to ask for help so I’ve done everything myself. I just kind of offer when I’m in his space, or just do things. He’s not that type though, I’d have to ask and he’d do it, gladly. I just have a tough time forming the words. I did have him take out trash and deliver one very sick Violet up here to the more reasonably priced vet.
Ok, hustling processors. It’s a good day for it. I can feel it.
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Fuck screaming at the top of your lungs at a bad game. Fucking triggered. I'm going to sleep like shit tonight and cry a bunch while trying to hide it. This seems healthy!
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Ow. That message brought to you by my back. Ow. That one brought to you by my heart. This dog thing has me broken hearted. Physical therapy takes the edge off the back for part of the day, but man. Ow. It's been good to have Scott around this week. He's had his moments of grumpiness. He was not happy that it took me 6 hours at the ER vet and I left him at home. I thought he'd be bored with me. "No, at least I'd be with you. This is the only day this week you're not working." Yesterday he brought Violet to Cabot to the only vet who was reasonably priced and took care credit. Who then figured out it was parvo and no surgery needed. I hope she survives. I can say though, that I tried everything.
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Fuck coming at me with problems with no solutions. Scott's upset he couldn't come up here last night and avoid the weather. Why not? Divorce decree. Like the only way to change that is by agreement or by judge. Neither will happen. Or marriage and obviously we aren't at that point yet. So if it's not going to change, gtfo it. Or hotel room up. I spent $200 kenneling a Chihuahua last week. But he can't. He doesn't believe in credit cards. On what planet? He's sometimes like an alien. Like how our parents told us to be but we weren't. Pay cash for everything. Don't do drugs, drink on the weekends in excess from time to time. Stay organized. Never forget anything when traveling. Call your parents when you arrive safely. Do your laundry one load at a time. And what of those who didn't mind their parents? What of me? What of all my flaws? I kind of like my scars. I just finished my sixth load of laundry. What? Such a rebel.
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Your nerdiness is the cutest thing ever. So cute it hurts. Am I happy? Yeah, but the kind where you fall into it but you're not sure it's yours. I don't think I own this, I feel like I'm borrowing someone else's clothes. Every time I try to explain it, I sound absolutely nuts. So I shut up and wear the happy. Snow not withstanding, Scott does Little Rock for a week or more tomorrow. It should be fun. Lots of cooking and drinks and not being alone. I do love him, it just still feels like someone else's story. I'm not sure how to make it mine. My stories are always fucked up. This isn't yet.
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I don't know what to Tumblr most of the time. Who the hell knows? It's all a little too convenient, too easy in some aspects of my life:m. Then others, my motivation is at zero. I don't know how to fix that. Where is that internal drive or goals or ego?
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So we tried a whole week together. No one died. I was edgy and fussy near the end. He and Ellie combined is a lot for me. I like quiet, not chaos. They're improving dramatically. Still, by the end of the day my nerves are shot. He makes me a drink and tries to distract her a bit and it all works out. Now it's a week with just me and Ellie before he comes to Little Rock for a week. I can't believe Dave did what he did to the cat. He sent me pictures of the cat every other day but apparently he came over here, drank a lot, and hung out with the cat. My liquor was in my freezer. So he also went through my freezer and god knows what else. I keep finding things the cat peed on. Scott's reaction was that the cat is "just an old princess". Josh would have insisted the cat be put down or taken to the shelter by now. Kindness goes a long way, it covers a lot of flaws. It smooths rough edges. I ordered the wrong color chip kit. Brilliant!
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I'm speechless. The ex's mom had texted me a time or two to FaceTime with Ellie. She did again on Christmas Eve. I initiated because I'd forgotten for months. He hasn't talked to her since mid September. He didn't text back when she texted him Merry Christmas and I love you. She's going to ship Ellie's presents to me. So I asked him if I could let Ellie over night with her while Scott and I ran around Memphis one weekend. He said he'd insist if he were me that she not have any alcohol or weed in the house. Is that why they aren't talking? My heart breaks for her. I may go spend the weekend with her myself while Scott is at a conference so I can't be set up for her using around Ellie. If it really is at that level. It's Christmas. Family doesn't last forever. He's done it to her before though, but.. I forgot how awful it is.
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