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I can't hold on.

I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on. It's getting heavier and heavier each day. My heart's finding it harder to carry these. My eyes are drying up.

I've really tried. I really have. Affirmations, meditation, losing weight, being "positive". But nothing is working. The thought of having to live through the same few days for another 30 to 40 years scares me. I'm tried. I really am. Am I a terrible person to bear these lonliness?

I'd really like to just sleep permanently and not wake up another day, crying and dragging my heart and soul to live though another day.

I'm terrified what will happen next. Will I wander these familiar places just in an invisible form. Do I have to go through the stages of hell? Can I be reborn again. In another life, where I'm no longer battling myself every day. Another life, where someone wants me. Where someone wants to know my favourite color. Where we fall in love.

I'm not sure how long more I can live though. If I ever give up the fight, pray for me. Pray that when my ashes are scattered in the sea, where I go everywhere anywhere all at once, I find a place where my heart and soul no longer aches.

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"I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot explain it to myself."

- Franz Kafka

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What's it like to be desired?

To have someone wanting to know your favourite color

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Sometimes, I think I may be boderline mad.

I think of you every day.

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Somedays I think about how I should have just taken the scholarships that I could have gotten and just move. But then all the financial guilt tripping that my family put me through....  

Maybe I lost my only shot at living an authentic life.

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A dog would fix me

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Ah, coming back to Tumblr, to a young version of me is so hard. Where did I find the strength to carry so much of hope? Amidst all the bullying, verbal and physical abuse, how did I find the courage to keep hoping? That one day, I’ll be able to move away.

But I need a space. A space where there will be no one to judge. I feel so tired. No one understands. No one ever will. All people want is a listener or a bottle to vent to. But when the bottle that they pour into overflows, no one cares. 

Everyone just cares about themselves. Nothing wrong with that.

I really wish I could just go somewhere, like remove my head, put it in a locker, and then just go somewhere with an empty mind. 

Maybe, I’m experiencing all these because I’m a bad person and I deserve this deep down. 

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Queer people exist. Choosing not to accept them is not an option. To anyone watching this that isn’t out, it’s okay. You’re okay. You were born this way, it’s right, and anyone that has a problem with it is wrong. Based on your circumstance, you might not feel ready to tell people yet or, that it’s safe, and that’s fine too, just know that living your truth with pride is the way to be happy. You are valid, it gets so much better, and the future is clear. It’s pretty queer.

Daniel Howell, “Basically I’m Gay” (via ijust-really-likedanandphil)

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How does something that is supposed to be unnatural feel so perfect?

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Tala and Leyla.

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Bawled my eyes at this part.

“In fact, a number of U.S. critics have used [Fire] as an occasion to replay colonial constructions of India as a site of regressive gender oppression, against which the West stands for enlightened egalitarianism. Within the dominant discursive production of India as anterior to the West, lesbian or gay identity is explicitly articulated as the marker of full-fledged modernity. After Ashok spies the two women in bed together, Sita comments to Radha, ‘‘There is no word in our language to describe what we are to each other,’’ to which Radha responds, ‘‘You’re right; perhaps seeing is less complicated.’’ Film critics in the United States, most notably Roger Ebert, have taken this exchange (as well as Mehta’s own pronouncement in the press notes that ‘‘Indians don’t talk about sex’’) as proof of the West’s cultural superiority and advanced politicization: ‘‘Lesbianism is so outside the experience of these Hindus that their language even lacks a word for it.’’ Indeed, almost all mainstream U.S. reviewers stress the failure of ‘‘these Hindus’’ to articulate lesbianism intelligibly, which in turn signifies the failure of the non-West to progress toward the organization of sexuality and gender prevalent in the West. To these critics, ironically, lesbian or gay identity becomes intelligible and indeed desirable when and where it can be incorporated into this developmental narrative of modernity.”

—Gayatri Gopinath, Impossible Desires: Queer Diasporas and South Asian Public Cultures

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Gangsters, Guns, Drugs and Kokila

The genre of gangster and don themed films  have had a special place in Tamil cinema for a very long time. The prevalence of this genre from as early as the 1960s has given birth to many well loved reel characters like Maanik Basha (Baasha) Sakthivel Velu Naickar (Naayakan), David Billa ( Billa) and Assault Sethu(Jigarthanda). Each of these dons has his own history and biography. Generally, the don characters tend to command a great deal of respect and evoke fear among people around them. This is commonly referred to as the ‘gethu’ factor. These dons are fearless, assertive and ruthless. While they engage in killings and bloodshed, many of these dons often do so for good causes. These range from having to safeguard their friends, families and community members due to failiure of the state instituitions such as the police and courts which may be corrupted or unaware of the plight of the ordinary citizens. Others also are forced to become dons due to some form of childhood trauma such as witnessing their family being killed, that justifies the way they are. Although most of the dons who have been featured in Tamil cinema enagge in various illegal activities and violent behaviour, they are still accepted and even venerated. This is because these dons fit into the prevailing cultural and gendered ideas of Tamil society which expects the ideal Tamil man to be physically strong, courageous, assertive and interestingly, be violent and angry when needed. Sangam literature itself has a section dedicated to war poetry where Tamil men are expected to be ready to fight for any unjust and sacrifice their own lives for that cause if needed. Hence, the idea of courage and violence is embedded in the notions of ‘dharmam’ (duty) in Tamil society. As such, these don characters in Tamil cinema, despite their misgivings are venerated and idolised. This is the formula that has been employed by directors for many years in Tamil cinema and this formula is what that has made these dons so memorable for many Tamils.

In other words, the world of gangsterism in Tamil cinema has been represented as something that belongs to the purview of men. For a long time, there has been the perception that men are equipped with biological traits like possessing greater physical and mental strength, agility and courage. There is something in their biological make up that makes them inherently violent and therefore best suited to deal with the underworld. It is not to say that women have been absent from the underworld. Women in Tamil cinema have traditionally played two main roles in this genre. They either play the devoted lover/wife to the don or as the ‘vamps,’ ‘sluts’ or ‘temptresses’ who are there to fulfill the sexual urges of the don. The underworld is also often wary of the woman character as she could also serve as a potential threat through her body and sexuality.  

Kolamaavu Kokila is perhaps one of the rare films in the history of Tamil cinema where the female character plays a central role in the underworld, other than being the girlfriend or love interest of the don. Before any analysis, it is worthwhile knowing that this film passes the Bechdel-Wallace test with flying colors. The Bechdel Wallace test was developed by American cartoonist Alison Bechdel in the 1980s. to evaluate the portrayal of women in works of fiction. Under this test, there are 2-3 conditions that are to be fulfilled.

1)      There should be at least 2 female characters

2)      The two characters have to talk to one another

3)      They have to talk to one another about something besides the topic about a man

Kolamaavu Kokila meets all of these conditions. In fact, it is interesting to note how the conversations and lives of the 2 primary male characters revolve around pursuing their love interests. On the other hand, the 2 female characters rarely discuss about topics relating to love, romance or marriage which are the typical focus on conversations in most mainstream Tamil films. 

Without divulging too much of the storyline, the primary character Kokila, through a series of unforeseen circumstances gets entangled in the dangerous world of smuggling. Kokila is not like Velu Naikar or Assault Sethu. She did not become a don to stand up for the subaltern groups. She is not assertive or menancing like them. In fact, she is the polar opposite. She is shy, timid, anxious,fidgety and easily breaks into tears. She is moslty seen in a paavaadai skirt and blouse. She simply looks like a fresh college graduate, barely 18 years old. She begins of an a very unmemorable character. Little do audience know that, this paavadai clad girl would be turning the underworld upside down within a few weeks. 

As mentioned, femininity in the underworld has been regarded as a threat. Here, it is Kokila’s femininity that is used as a strategy to minimise suspicion from the police. Kokila’s innocent face, demure attitude, mild dressing and ‘school-girl type’ image are the ingredients for the creation of a perfect smuggler. Together with all these and the fact that she is a woman, makes the gang leader become complacent towards her. The thought that Kokila could be a threat to him at some point never crosses his mind. Kokila on the other hand, uses this to her advantage at many points during the film to get away from any threats directed at her. She proves that more than her beauty, her brain is the marker of her identity. This is another striking feature of her. Yes, no doubt, Kokila is attactive. However, unlike typical Tamil movies where the Kathananyaki uses her beauty to lure the gang leader to fulfil her aims, Kokila uses her intelligence. It is nice to see Tamil cinema finally recognise that women too have brains!

Even in the underworld, Kokila’s sexuality comes a threat for her when her ‘seemingly decent gang leader starts harboring desires for her. Before stepping into the underworld, Kokila experiences similar situations whereby her former boss and an acquaintance she meets ask her to ‘compromise’ with them in order to receive some monetary favors. As compared to her former boss and acquaintance, this leader is way more dangerous. Refusing his advances could cost her not only her own life but that of her family members as well. In the latter half of the film, she again faces the same threat of rape when another gang leader tries to threaten her to sleep with him in exchange for the life of her mother whom he has kidnapped. The threat of rape/sexual assault directed towards female characters is not something new in Tamil films. In fact, rape is framed as a necessary tool for the showcase of the male character’s heroism and valor. The female is often framed as weak, vulnerable and eventually succumbs to their assaults. Or, in some cases, the male lead is brought in to help restore justice for her. In this film, there is no hero to save Kokila. In the chaos of her chastity being put under threat, Kokila very cleverly evades the advances of the leader. She ends up killing him with the help of her family members. The way in which she kills the leader is rather violent which for me felt like the highlight. I am not advocating violence here but the use of tools like the hammer and nail to attack the perpetrator breaks the stereotype that women are naturally soft-hearted and incapable to engaging in violence. Kokila eventually through her smart thinking, again, manages to manipulate the entire gang and murders them.

Speaking of the lack of hero as to ‘save’ Kokila, there are 2 primarily male characters in this film-Yogi Babu, who pursues Kokila and another young man (whose name I forgot) who pursues her sister. Both of them try to prove their love to their respective interests through songs and lengthy dialogues. They even shed blood for them. However, at the end of the day, both sisters do not fall into the arms of these ‘heroes.’ In fact, they had never asked for their help in the first place. These two heroes simply chose to get entangled in the problems of Kokila and her sister. Unlike typical films that portray the heroine having to ‘repay’ the ‘heroes’ for their ‘sacrifices,’ here Kokila and her sister simply go about their own ways once everything is resolved. There is no need for them to feel guilty or bad for refusing the advances/proposals of men who were interested in them just because they offered some help. At the end of the day, the women are the ones who have full agency.

There’s another small thing that I happened to notice as well but of course I could be reading too much into it as well. There is often a picture of Goddess Durga sitting on her vahana(vehicle), the tiger seen at the backdrop of Kokila when she visits the gang leader’s house. I believe that directors are not random when they choose film locations, colors of sets and backdrops. There is always some level of intentionality in the framing of images and symbols. Perhaps, there could be a subtle symbolism of this image. Goddess Durga represents the divine force known as shakti. Shakti refers to a form of feminine energy and power which is used to counter evil and wrong-doings. Many also believe that Goddess Durga has the powers of Goddess Lakshmi, Kali and Saraswathi. Goddess Lakshmi is the goddess of wealth, fortune and prosperity. In Kolamaavu Kokila, when Kokila’s family faces great financial distress, it is she who brings in money in whatever ways that she can. Goddess Kali represents sexuality and violence. When Kokila’s sexuality comes under threat, the timid girl suddenly turns ferocious and ends up killing the source of the threat. Lastly, Goddess Saraswathi represents wisdom, creativity, and knowledge. No doubt, as mentioned earlier, what saves Kokila and her family from all the problems thrown at them is mainly her tactics and intelligence. Of course to say Kokila is a resonation of Goddess Durga could be to myopic but perhaps, the message behind the image of Goddess Durga in the same frame of Kokila could be that  while she may seem as a loving and innocent girl whose life revolves around her family, she is also able to go to all extremes for their well-being, even if it means having to lie, cheat and kill.

Kolamaavu Kokila is definitely a nice female centric film. Tamil cinema often likes to frame female centric films revolving around female issues. This makes such films dull and reptitive and also restricts the roles of actresses in Tamil cinema. Any story can and should be able to have strong female characters. What I loved about this film is how there were no awkward lengthy monologues on women power or freedom. Actions and portrayals spoke more than words and that is enough to get the important messages across. Kokila is not a perfect person. She has her shades of grey. Despite her entering the underworld for a reasonable cause, the point is, she did break the law. She committed murders and engaged in forgery. She cheat, she lied and she betrayed those who trusted her. Yet,  she is not some damsel who unknowingly got involved in such activities. She made her conscious choice and paid for them (to some extent). Her struggles are that of an ordinary middle-class girl in an Indian family. As the eldest daughter, she bears a greater burden of the family. In many Tamil films, where the son is held responsible for the well-being of the family, here Kokila shoulders the problems of the family and seeks a solution to them in the quickest possible way. This portrayal of Kokila and to some extent, her sister is definitely a nice break from the regular Tamil movies where the sons are hailed as the saviors of the family and often have elaborate songs dedicated to them singing of their glories. (Yes, I’m referring to Aalaporaan Tamilan).

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sure i guess sex is okay but have you ever closed a dozen tabs after finishing an academic paper

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Streets of Pakistan

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What is wrong with me?

I need to be thin, bc he will never love me as fat pig. Nobody will…