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[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

June 28, 2021

Well, it's been a few years since I wrote anything here. Mostly because these past few years have been an absolute whirlwind. My last post ended with Sean and I almost becoming official. Well, last week we had our 3 year anniversary together. Time flies.

Since my last post, I got accepted into the biotechnology program, for which I am forever grateful for. The program is very, very difficult and was the most mentally and emotionally taxing thing I had ever done up until that point. Being in class from 8:30am-4:30pm everyday with only 1 hour lunch break was rough. 6 to 7 classes a term was rough. Having a never ending midterm season was rough. But it was worth it. I made some amazing friends who I will hopefully have for the rest of my life. I gained some amazing lab skills and had some amazing opportunities. And best of all, I can actually see an end goal for my career. I don't know exactly what it will look like yet, but I know I want to be working on research in some sort of management position. Maybe not for forever, but for some time at least.

First year at BCIT was rough. Hard adjustments, lots of work and figuring out our class dynamic. But I came out of it stronger, knowing more about what I could do and how to succeed. Sean and I went through a rough patch in November of our first year together. His best friend from high school, whom he had feelings for for most of the time in school with her, was breaking up with her boyfriend of 5 years and basically went to Sean and said "I said no in the past but if you asked me now, I would say yes." And he doesn't know what to do so all he can do is come and tell me about it. And of course this happens on my birthday. So what do I do for my 18th birthday? Cry all night long. Yea, it was fun. It takes him a week to decide to choose us. Pretty rough but in the end it makes us stronger, especially since she comes around again in a year (but I'll get to that). After that Christmas, things change again. We were happy and then suddenly we stopped texting. Because of my schedule, we could only see each other once a week on Fridays. Everything was fine when we were together but during the week, everything felt empty and wrong. It took us until April to finally talk about it - I even wrote a letter about being upset that he's never read. But we finally talk about it and we figure out that we need to talk more and so we start calling each other. From then on, we try to discord each night and it has done us well.

After my first year at BCIT, I land my first co-op job in the Hancock Lab. I didn't think I was going to get a job at that point but I was so glad that I did. We did some really cool stuff with pseudomonas where we screened mutants for biofilm defects and tested biofilm growth in anaerobic conditions. I got to present my first poster at CBR Research Day. The lab pre-covid is amazing. Susan bought us beer and pizza and sushi every Friday and over the course of the summer, the drinking of the beer would start earlier and earlier (5pm at the beginning, all the way up till 2pm by the end of the summer). I had a great time in the lab and learned a lot.

My second year at BCIT was rough too. The workload got even worse that first term and I'm pretty sure we all hit our lowest lows. Just surviving became the name of the game and we did it well. Despite that, we had time to go play volleyball and support Josie's badminton tournament and fool around playing ultimate and snowball fights. We had some amazing memories and we didn't realize how fast time would fly until it was almost over.

And then Covid-19 hit. Assumed to be transferred from some sort of animal to humans in a Chinese wet market, racism and violence against Asians skyrocketed, just as the world shut down. Our last month at BCIT was canceled right before our eyes and we never got to celebrate finishing and surviving. Instead, classes went to online lectures and exams went to online formats and we stopped being able to see friends or go out or do anything really. Restaurants and attractions were shut down, maximum capacities and masks enforced and uncertainty everywhere. Talks for vaccines were hopeful, but I was skeptical about anything being ready until 2021. And I was right. As of today, all of us in the family have 1 dose of Moderna, although Mom is to get her second dose next week. Things are slowly opening up (provincial travel bans were lifted and movie theaters opened 2 weeks ago!) They're talking about what a post-covid world will look like, and I think everyone is grateful. In some ways, we lost a year and a half of our lives to this virus.

After finishing my time at BCIT, I was hoping to do a 4 month co-op placement abroad. Nothing of my applications turned out, but given covid, all travel ended up being restricted anyways. Not only that, there were no co-op jobs as every company in the world faced very uncertain economic and social times. I ended up taking April and May off and worked June and July at Collingwood again. Camp was different (lots of pool noodles and yoga mats) but in some ways, very much the same. I was grateful.

Despite the continued uncertainty of the next school year in a pandemic world, I was lucky to have the connections with the Hancock lab to allow me to do a full 8 month Honours Thesis with them. I took 4 classes per term on top of that and took them in the bioinformatics room on my laptop so I could be in the lab for the rest of the day. And boy, was I always there. 9am starts to 7pm finishes were not uncommon. Plus the 1.5 hour commute each way. Things were not easy. I thought BCIT was hard. 4th year at UBC trumps BCIT, easy. I was always stressed and strung out, I was constantly having to miss classes to do experiments (thank God for recordings) and at times, basic things refused to work (bacterial plating will be the death of me yet). The mandatory classes were all crappy and each have their own story that I may have to tell another time, but needless to say, I was not having a good time. I'm glad I made the effort to do an 8 month project, and in a way Covid made it both easier and harder. Easier because everything was recorded so my schedule was flexible (although I did my best to try to attend most lectures synchronously). Harder because I was in the lab more than I should have been and it meant some of my school work was compromised (thank God for Nabeel inviting me to his CHBE group). I survived, but I don't think I would have been able to go on much longer. Thank God for co-op and 8 months away from school.

In January, we were all on the hunt for co-op positions. Amazingly, I was super popular, scoring 6 different interviews of the 12 different applications I put in. I never got a Zymeworks invite though, which made me a little disappointed. But I think it worked out for the better because it meant I was more open when I was calling with Michelle. Meeting with Ting and Julien, we hit it off right away. I never get nervous for interviews and because of that, I feel like I'm really good at covering and clicking with interviewers. I asked lots of good questions and we were all laughing during that 1 hour interview. I got a call 2 days later from Michelle telling me I had gotten the job and I was so excited. It was the perfect fit. The chance to do more cell culture. The chance to do some research. The chance to maybe be hired on after grad. Working now, I feel really grateful for the opportunity. The company is a little odd, but our little CPD bubble is great to be a part of and I hope that one day we can make a difference.

I bought my first car on my first day of work - a 2012 Mazda 3 Hacthback with only 105k km. He's black and I've run him into the curb a few times, but he still looks super shiny (despite getting shat on within the first hour of being home) and I love him very much. The freedom of having my own car is amazing.

So why am I posting now? Well, I've been having some doubts and I needed a place to write it all out and I remembered this Tumblr. Reading back my old posts is a little sad because I started this Tumblr because I was sad. Things have been so much better in the last few years so I haven't been around. And make no mistake, I am so much happier than I was back then. But I've always learned while writing, so here I am to learn about myself and my feelings.

TBC

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

June 21, 2018

So I never came back and continued my post from earlier this year. Long story short, I'm in a much better place now.

Last term I was really sad. Like really sad. I don't want to say depressed because I believe that word should be reserved to the actual mental illness, but if there was a word like depression, it would probably accurately represent my state of mind last term. Until last term, I didn't realize how much my social relationships impacted my mental health which in turn impacted my academic performance. Last term, I didn't make any friends except Jessica near the end of term. She was what got me through the term. I sat on that stupid bench in LSK and cried that day when I read the article about commuter students and the disconnect. Because every god damned word hit so close to home. That was when I knew I had hit a new low. I could barely bring myself to do any of my homework. Going to class was a chore that I forced myself to survive through and get our as quick as I could. Without friends to bring me up and keep me sane, I wilted. For so long, I had had Shivani by my side and I never realized how much she helped me get through. I thought I was ok to be a loner for a bit, it's not like I've ever wanted to be the center of attention or anything. But I was wrong. If i hadn't had Jessica through the last little bit of the term, my grades probably would have crashed more than they already did. I'm so grateful for her cause she pulled me out of the depressive slump I had found myself in.

The good thing about that though is that I'm way more self aware than before I started first year. I know now that I need to have time for friends and a social life or I'm going to crumble. I know now that I just need a good friend to lean on, even just for a bit. I know now that I can't balance all the things I thought I could balance. I know I need to have time to recharge away from school or I'll burn myself out. These are all things that will help me through second year.

Speaking of second year, ive ended up applying for biotechnology first, biology second and biochemistry third. Tomororw (well technically today since it's 2am right now) is when people start to hear back about their majors. If I get into biotech, I'm moving to BCIT for 2 years. If not, I'm moving closer to ubc so the commute doesn't kill me again. My registration time is 12:40 on the first day if that happebs zo I'm im in not too bad of a position to make a decent schedule for next year. However, I don't want to have to. Mostly because of Sean.

Sometimes its so surprising how fast life can change. Sean is a perfect example of that. It was only at the end of April that I decided to stop taking birth control because there was no boy on the horizon and I had given up on uni being a way to find one. But then Sean gets hired at LD. He's a bit odd at first, but that may have been first few shift jitters. We start to click better and it becomes more and more fun to close with him. One night right at the end of my exam season, I give him my number while I'm going on break in case he needs me. He calls me back 20 minutes later (on his cell i might point out, not the company phone) and I help whatever customer it was. But that night he also texts me. We text for anfew days and he invites me to hang out to celebrate the end of my exam season. I accept. We end up going out for sushi and sitting and talking for the next 3 hours straight. It was amazing. And the pattern continues. We talk everyday. We hang out again. And then again. Soon we're hanging out and seeing each other 3/4 times a week with shared work shifts included. We never touch but we become close friends really fast. We spend hours together just talking about everything and anything. We spend time in parks, on the seawall, in more parks, just talking. I meet his mom when I go over for dinner. He meets my mom the week later. We're still only just friends. At this point, I'm pretty much head over heels for him. But I'm unsure of his feelings due to his lack of apparent interest beyond friendship. Around the same time, I've become much closer with Tristam again. We go on a roadtrip together. We watch a movie cuddled up together. Then that Friday night, Tristam and I hook up after cuddling half naked listening to music. He eats me out and teases me about my kissing skills. He wants me to come over again, but I sidestep him neatly. On Monday (June 4th), Sean and I hang out and pass out in his bed and he finally makes his move and pulls me into him to cuddle. We have a tickle fight when we finally make it to my house. The next time we crash at my house on Thursday (June 7th), we kiss after playfighting some more. Saturday (june 9th) morning before our shifts at work, I go over to his house and we end up getting sexual, he eats me out. I soak his bed and only feel kinda bad about it 😂. Monday (June 11th), i go over to his house after school and blow him. Gag reflexes are such a bitch, holy shit. And we haven't seen each other in a week and a half now. But we've been talking. I got him talking about his kinks. We've been sending each other hearts and shit. He's been super sweet and poetic every day. Tonight he got super drunk and all he talked about was about how much he missed me. I miss him. We haven't had the official relationship talk, but we're there. I pretty much have a boyfriend. Idk how I managed it, but I'm happy. Really happy now.

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

February 10, 2018

Completely forgot about this for my first semester since I was so busy. But lately I've had time to think about it more so I'm posting again. Maybe I should start from the beginning.

Summer 2017 ended with Shivani never inviting me to do anything really. We went out to watch a movie together one evening (Spiderman Homecoming, which was actually a good movie and watching all the Avengers movies is on my list of things to do) but that's because I brought it up. It was a bit awkward and it made me realize that without school and gossip, our friendship is pretty empty. I never realized until then how much our conversations were just about other people and how to deal with them but that day, all out conversations were just her telling me about Moscrop people and what they were doing. That made me really sad. It's hard realizing that a friendship you cared about so much is being rendered meaningless as you move on in life.

But then school hit. University isn't harder than high school, at least not yet. It's just alot more work, especially when you're taking 5 courses. I was lucky last term though. It was by chance that I got to sit beside Sanjana on my first bio class and we clicked. Since we had so many classes together, it worked out. We sat together in bio and physics and helped each other out in all our other classes. I also ended up sitting beside Linda in my math tutorial and we become pretty good friends. She's really nice and hard working. Last term was hard academically. By the end of my second round of midterms, I had given up. I lost track of two sets of physics homework and skipped out on all of the readings. Even by the time finals had rolled around, I was still really burned out and couldn't bring myself to study. The most studying I did for all of my exams was the 6 hours before the exam where I got up in time to be on campus by 9 and crammed until it was time. Now, I pulled that off, even after completely forgetting a huge section in bio and not really knowing enough for physics. I pulled it off, sitting at a 83% average right now, and considering I got a 79 and an 80, I think that's pretty good. But it definitely wasn't healthy or conductive to learning in the long run. It took cramming to a new level for me, and while it didn't bite me this time, I think it's in my best interest to avoid giving it a chance to try to bite me again. We'll see how that goes, we are after all still only halfway through second term. So anyways, first term was really hard academically, but I made friends and we survived.

This term is a whole different story. I managed to rearrange my schedule (after a crazy panic where I thought I could swap English courses but in fact they were blocked so there was like 3 hours of panic of me having dropped a course that was mandatory for me) to better fit so instead of really long days, I have 3 hours straight of class and then I'm off. It's a much better way for me where I'm not stuck on campus forever and I can come home. But it also means I haven't made any friends. I go through class without anyone beside me and I don't ever go out with anyone (not that I went out last term either, but I at least had friends).

Tbc

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

July 20, 2017 So I've been thinking about this for a bit, and since shivani and I don't talk much anymore, I'm just going to write it here. I'm really over Oliver all of a sudden. Like I liked him a month ago, enough to even go and hook up in a fucking forest together. But right now, I just have no interest. He keeps messaging me from his trip, every few days and now I procrastinate answering him. I'll leave it for a day before I answer him, simply because I don't want to make the effort to talk to him. Idk what's happened but my feelings have died a sharp death. Not sure why, although looking back, I realized that it was this time last year that I was crazy about the guy. I'm not surprised that a year later, my feelings have just moved on. I just found it so odd. Maybe it's not. Who knows. Our hookup wasn't based on any other thing but horniness so it's not like I suddenly fell in love with the guy after. All year, I've been distancing myself from him emotionally just so I wouldn't get hurt. And I'm not hurt now. I'm moving on and it's just odd. Anyways, I was thinking back and I'm kind of appalled at how that hookup night went. It was all about him and it was shitty for me. The exact kind of thing I've been lecturing friends and others not to get into for years. So I don't regret doing it, but I know what I'm looking for in the future, and that's a guy who is a little bit more considerate for me. I mean for God's sake, he showed up 45mins late when he knew I had a curfew. Idk. I think I let myself down with that night. But at the end of the day, it happened and all I can do is move on. Oh and I guess I should talk about the turmoil around shivani. Now, the first week of summer, we both knew we were free but she was constantly going out with friends but never with me. Now, on one hand, I want to smack myself because being irrationally jealous over a hang out of a group I'm not a part of is just ridiculous and has reached Caroline levels. But at the same time, I'm hurt she never invited me to the groups that I could have been a part of or even separately. And I also know that we're not going to be best friends in university, it just sucks sometimes because we talked about having an amazing summer but it's almost halfway through summer and I've only hung out with people 3 times, and one was for a concert for tickets we bought 6 months ago. And I don't know if it's just my inability to make friends or the fact that I had to miss both turf parties, But I just feel so out of the loop. Shivani was my in into the loop and now she's gone and I realize that I don't have any friends. We've tried to make plans to go to the movies but we're both working and our schedules never connect properly so it hasn't happened. And I want to believe everything is fine and that I'm just being irrational, but I also just want to be sad and feel left out. And then I want to smack myself, because that's jyst stupid and I'm great and I have plenty of friends outside of shivani. But it's not the same. The Shawn Mendes concert was amazing though. I knew all but one of the songs and it was so much fun. Hearing him live and how great he is without any auto tune or anything was just amazing. I totally understand why people go to concerts cause they can be amazing. Work, I've been training in both the lab and on the electronics side. Being in the lab was super relaxing and being taught by Derek on the floor is amazing. If Derek wasn't like double my age and married, I'd have a crush on him just based on his competency and his humour. He's sweet and sarcastic and competent and the guy I look up to at work the most. Sometimes it gets overwhelming, but it's very fulfilling to finally learn so more stuff and freshen up the job. Honestly, sometimes I feel so bad for people like Derek and Mike who aren't in management positions and yet have been working the same customer service job for decades. How have they not died of boredom yet, I have no idea. Either way, I'm glad I'm learning new stuff because this is the kind of job i would not be able to stand long term without some sort of growth.

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

June 21, 2017

So I just had sex with Oliver last night. That was interesting.

We basically decided to meet up before he goes away to travel. We met up late at deer lake at 10:15 by Central and wandered through the park until we decided to settle on the weird wooden tower thingy. Now he finally asks if he can kiss me and I start laughing cause I’m awkward af. And the fact that Shivs said she laughs when it’s awkward made me keep laughing and I couldn’t stop. It was pretty bad. Oh, also he says “youve never dpne this before right? Youre probabbly a bad kisser then” and im like wtf man why would you say that i already have fucking confidence issues thanks so much. Anyways, he immediately starts rubbing me through my pants and then sticks his hands in my pants and starts fingering me. Now, that wasn’t painful and I could see it actually being pleasurable if done correctly. I sucked his dick for a bit, which was interesting. Again, something I’d like to do more at some point cause I’m just curious. Oh and he spanked me over the knee. Holy shit do I ever have a spanking kink Jesus fuck. We switched it up pretty quickly but oh my god would I be perfectly ok to do that for like a good long while. Like he hit me once and I immediately knew i wanted him to hit me harder like Jesus that’s a turn on. Like I knew it was going to be but I was actually surprised how much I enjoyed it. Anyways, then he asks if he should fuck me. Now in that moment I’m like wellllll idk. But I’m curious and none of it has felt bad (none of it has exactly felt good either but I figure that just comes with time) so I agree. Anyways, he puts on the condom and we try to figure out a good position to do this. Now I honestly think he has a small dick cause we could not find a good position. Anyways we start and holy fuck does it hurt. It hurts like a motherfucker and feels like something is going to tear. Now certain positions hurt more than others, probably coinciding with how far his dick can be in me in each position. So we go slowish, although he doesn’t exactly give me much time to get used to it. But we ride it out and then I find that I actually enjoy riding cause of the control but it hurts like a bitch when he’s lying on his back. Also, his dick keeps slipping out, which is annoying for him and gave me a bit of a break here and there so I’m not exactly complaining. Oh and at some point the condom breaks so thank fuck for birth control cause holy shit that could have been bad jesus. But we’re safe i do believe. We’ll see of course, but we should be fine. Aleesse says only the first 7 days do you need to use a back up method and I’m on day 18. Anyways, We end up doing it doggy style cause that’s the best way to do it without him slipping out and neither of is in a position that is too painful immediately. Now as we go on, it doesn’t become more pleasurable sadly. It’s no longer as painful, but it is very uncomfortable still and I just end up enduring it hoping it’ll finish. Anyways, we started way too late and I’m worried about the time and I tell him we should at least check. Now it’s a good thing I did cause by that time it’s 12:04 and I’m supposed to be home by midnight so we have to run. Neither of us finished, although I don’t think I was anywhere close. Anyways, We end up speed walking home and I just booked it once I got to greentree. Got home by 12:30 but oh well.

So yea. That was the time i lost my virginity and basically went from having kissed a guy like 3 times to having sex in less than 2 hours. I honestly don’t feel bad though and my only regret is that we didn’t do it on a bed when we had more time to fool around. I kinda wish I had done it with someone I cared about more but at the same time, I’m not upset about this. Now I’m more comfortable with my body and how shit goes down so I’m not that worried anymore.

I told mom today and she basically said like be careful who you give that to but also the first time is the worst and it’s ok. It is what it is.

So now I’m just chilling. It was not some giant life changing experience and it also wasn’t amazing but it wasn’t traumatizing either so I figure it was pretty decent. I might have a freak out later but I don’t think so. I’m calm and it happened and while it hurt in the moment, I’m still fine. It is what it is.

Oh and I registered for my UBC courses yesterday too. I got all my first picks so I’m super happy cause of my early time slot. 9:15 the first day is kinda amazing tbh. Can’t wait for uni tbh. Gonna have lots of fun and the dating pool is so much better, i might finally find I guy I don’t hate.

Last day of school was yesterday and now all I have to do are the two provincials and then I’m home free. Super excited :)

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

April 23, 2017 Oliver update. So we had the serious talk last week of "what do you actually want out of this/me." And he basically said that he wasn't really looking for relationship right now because he can't do relationships halfway. The last time he was in a relationship, he fell in love with her to the point where he was trying to put aside his own life goals to live where she was going to be. Now, that was in his grade 11 year, and that's both crazy and sweet and dumb all rolled up into one. But, I can completely understand where he's coming from. I am in no way looking for someone to fall in love with and marry right now either, and I told him that. I just need someone stable in my life down the line to have fun and fool around with slowly so I can build my way up to that stuff. A relationship is the easiest answer for someone like that, but it's not the only answer. I figure that if we can walk the line of being stable enough for me to be comfortable with him and the idea of where we're going and such and keeping enough emotional distance between us for him, we could probably pull it off. Obviously, it's gonna be harder than it could be if he could either do a relationship but acknowledge going in that even if we fell in love, we wouldn't try to change our future plans or if I were more comfortable with myself sexually and could just be happy with a simple friends with benefits thing where all we do is hook up. But that's not gonna work I don't think, so we'll have to pull it off the other way if we ever do pull it off. Now this talk was hard to have and start and all that stuff, but I'm glad i did it because it's so much easier on me when I don't have to keep guessing about everything around that. He doesn't want a relationship? Now that he's told me, I can try and see if I can work with that. Anyways, sadly, we haven't really talked much since after that talk last weekend. For the past like month, we had talked every day or every second day. But this week, we haven't had a proper conversation since our serious convo. In a way that's good, since I need the time to study for APs, but I still miss talking to him. Anyways, we'll see how it all plays out.

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

April 12, 2017. You know, I never thought I'd be someone who got pressured about sex. I'm not sure why, although probably something to do with how I've always been aware of the fact that no one ever owes anyone sex in any situation, having even told friends for years that they should tell guys who pressure them to go fuck themselves. And yet here I am. Granted, I'm alot more sure of myself today (its Wednesday night rn) and yesterday than I was Sunday night. We've been talking dirty for the past week or so now. And like dirty shit, let's hypothetically come up with fantasies to play around with and walk each other through. And that's been fun. It's like reading smut but like 1000x better cause you know whatever he's saying, it's for you and not another character in the story. But, it also means we've jumped ahead and have been hypothetically talking about alot of shit when we haven't even made out yet. Which, is fine in practice, but sometimes it feels like that's what we'll end up doing right away when we finally do get the time to meet up. Now I don't have any real hang ups about having sex with him, if we can build up to that. But it's this whole idea that the first thing we're gonna do when we finally get each other alone is too each other's clothes off, is what freaks me out. Now, in the back of my brain, I know this is pretty unrealistic. Yea, he's a teenage boy, but he's also a good guy who would wait for me (I think). But, finally being in a situation like this myself, I'm getting alot more of an understanding for how girls feel when they're pressured into sex, because it's not always blatant "no I want to have sex" after she's said "no I don't want to have sex." Sometimes it's alot more of a feeling and a continuous push just outside someone's boundaries consistently until they finally give in. So we've been talking for about a month now, and I know I want to do stuff with him. I'm attracted to him, he's hot, he likes me, it all works out. But when he said we should meet up and then proceeded to immediately make a joke about me giving him a blowjob, well I pretty much panicked. Now, I wasn't sure why I panicked so much in the momment, but I knew I just didn't feel ok. I figured out that I was probably really freaked out about the idea of such a blatant sexual act before even having made out. It's not that I don't plan to do that, it's just more that it made it a tangible thing. That was the first time where I was like "woah there not ok I'm freaking out here" kind of thing. Up until then, I guess I was able to put aside the fact that we haven't even ever properly met up yet and just have fun talking dirty. But the idea that we could jump so many "steps" (and I emphasize steps cause really there's no actual steps required, just a pace that makes me feel comfortable) is what really freaked me out. Right now, I'm feeling better. I had to remember that I don't owe him sex or anything else I don't want to do. And that if he is in it for a relationship, then he'll be willing to wait for however much time I need/want regardless of if he's getting any or not. I had to remember that I'm worth more than a fuck buddy if that's what I want. I had to remember that people don't usually have sex immediately, that's just how fanfic likes to portray relationships. I had to remember that I am still in complete control of everything that happens and will happen in the future, and if he doesn't like it, then I don't need him. It's just how it is. And that's fine. I'm going to ask him what he wants out of us, if it's a relationship he wants or just sex and what happened back in November. Depending on his answers, we'll see where we go from here.

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

April 1st, 2017 Haha, no this post isn't an April fools joke. Just wanted to update myself with the whole Oliver thing. We've been talking every day for the past two weeks. We've gotten into some NSFW texting while he was drunk on his bday and we've gotten back into the land of hearts. Idk where we're going, especially since imma be busy af till summer but I'm willing to see how it plays out. I want an explanation for November though and I also hope he doesn't expect sex right away cause that ain't happening. I'm not against having sex with him at some point, just not right away. I mean for God's sake, I've never even made out with anyone. I'm not about to start having sex right off the bat. But hopefully everything works out and we get to have fun together. Didn't what his plans are, so Idk long term but he said he's moving into the departments in a couple of weeks so I think he's sticking around for a while longer. I just hope it works out.. unlike last time. Also, Caroline and Tristam broke up and she was acting super super clingy which is really uncomfortable and annoying. She's leaving him alone now that she got hot or not but idk man, she's clingy af. I wouldn't will her on anyone. Hopefully she can grow up a bit.

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

March 14th, 2017 So it has once again been a while since I've written anything here so I figured tonight would be a good time to do a post. I've certainly got plenty to talk about. Alright, I guess I should start with the big one. I'm not gonna say much, since I'm keeping a dedicated journal, but I will say we're in China and have been for 5 days now. In Beijing, it's been interesting. Today was our first tour day and I'm already tired, but hopefully everything will go well. It's a different culture and it's been very interesting to be immersed in it. Looking forward to the rest of the trip. Ok, next on the list should definitely be uni acceptance. Considering the fact that I got a 95% average term 1 and a 97% average term 2, I wasn't that worried about getting into uni, but it's always nice anyways. I was grinning so hard when I finally got my acceptance letter from SFU. Mom thought they were pamphlets so she left them in the mail for the evening and that's what I assumed to when I opened the envelope and saw they're classic red folder. But nope, it was a letter of acceptance into the Environmental Science program in their forestry program with a $5000 scholarship for having a 95+% average. I'm to hear back from them in April about their Major Entrance scholarships and I'm crossing my fingers. Anyways, I got one letter so I was just waiting on the other one, since I didn't get in on grade 11 grades. I had to run around at school before I left, trying to make it all work so I could self report properly to UBC and I managed to. I got my email letter of acceptance our first full morning in China at 6am local time into their Biotechnology program. Unfortunately, there seemed to be no money attached to that one. Now I just have to choose. There's so many variables to consider so I'm just going to let it go while we're in China and start thinking about it when I get back. Speaking of when I get back, I'm going to have to catch up on everything and study like crazy for the AP tests. I was actually having a bit of a panic attack on the second last day of school, realizing how much stuff I'm going to have to balance for AP exams. I just hope everything works out. I don't want to have wasted so much money for nothing. Oh well, time to get studying as soon as I get back. Oh, I should also mention how Tristam is still being an absolute asshole to everyone, including Caroline. But she doesn't want to break up with him even though he's treating her like shit and getting close to Maddy and all that. Whatevs. Not my problem. But he's still being a dick to shivs so he'd better knock it off soon or he's gonna get kicked in the balls. Everyone went to Dennys without me one day and left me with Tristam and I just could not stay and eat with him, it was so fucking awkward. And then, I came back out cause they brought me hash browns but they didn't come back immediately and it was even more awkward standing near Tristam while he ate cause he was super passive aggressive and I'm like ok bitch if you weren't being such a fucking asshole to everyone right now, it wouldn't be so fucking awkward. Ugh. Alright. Over to the important topic xD Oliver messaged me out of the blue yesterday and asked me when I was going on my trip so I told him I was already in China and we got talking about stuff around here and it started getting teasing and shit, which is always lots of fun. I said that I missed talking to him and he called me out for not messaging him and I felt kinda guilty but I have been busy and also, I just assumed he didn't want to talk to me. But apparently he does cause he told me we should talk later during my trip and that I should take pics. Told him I would and I just made a mental note that I would message him in a few days (so as to not be too eager) but then I got back from the tour today to find that he had actually messaged me on both our fb chat and our whatsapp chat. And I was like hot damn boy wtf? Give a girl's heart a break! Why so out of the blue and also, what??? Two days in a row completely unapologetically? And then he said he needed to go to sleep and he said we should talk again tomorrow and I said I'd love to as long as our times work out. Which, what??? Holy crap, being forward. Not that I mind, just very out of the blue. And since he was still up an hour or so later, I messaged him with pics and a pic of the stupid notebook sayings and we got talking a little bit more. And I did remind him that he should sleep and it's ok cause I'd still be around to talk to him tomorrow to. And that's it. I'm looking forward to talking to him again. I wasn't lying. I do enjoy talking to him. I'm not sure about the renewed interest if it means renewed relationship interest cause of the timing and my school work and all that. He wouldn't tell me his plans to get out of LD so who knows if he's gonna travel the world in 3 months? Whatever,I'm not complaining about the attention or talking to him, it was just so out of the blue. Whatever. We'll see how everything plays out. Looking forward to it.

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

February 2nd, 2017. This is the one year anniversary for this blog. I totally made this blog as a way to vent my frustrations over not being able to talk about Khalid with Shivs, but it's kinda become a but of a diary. I'm glad I made it and I'm going to keep it up. I wish I had actually started this earlier because it's really interesting to read about the development of my feelings and other stuff over the year. I'm definitely going to keep posting when I can remember because being able to look back is going to be really cool.

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

February 1st, 2017. Scholarship applications are a bitch. The amount of bs that had to come out for the MES app due last night was amazing. Hopefully it works out cause I do think it came out pretty good in the end, but yenno. Gotta do alot more and I really don't wanna.. but like money. *sigh* Oh hey, have I mentioned we're going to China in like a month and a half? Yea, that's gonna be exciting. Haven't had much time to think about it yet, but I think I'm gonna write another journal entry in a bit. Also, Ive been getting alot of vibes for Ryan in Law class lately. Things like paying attention to him more, watching him, feeling the odd butterfly or two, yenno. I couldn't help but be happy when he gave me my journal today out of the class bucket. I'm considering getting him a rose, but I think it's kinda useless cause I think it's really too late in the school year to start anything when everyone is leaving each other in a few months. But whatevs. Gotta have them vibes to keep up some feeling, right? Also, hey grad photos have happened. That's been fun. I actually like a few of the photos, and while I still don't think I'm that good looking, I actually think I look nice in some of them. It means grad is coming up. Lots of fun. And with that, I want to buy my prom dress. All I can think about is that red dress that we walked away from a couple of weeks ago. I dunno if that's the one, but I liked it. So idk. Maybe. Oh and Oliver. I totally meant to go to work dressed for grad photos so he might see me and he totally did. He was in the food court so we talked a bit before I had to go change for my shift. It felt kinda off since it was small talk, but I totally think he's still cute, I'm just very aware of how he's not gonna be the one. But hey, just like Ryan, gotta have them vibes to stay alive, right? I'm gonna miss hearing him on the radios when he quits. :(

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

January 7th, 2017. So I just had some vivid dreams about Oliver. Nothing sexual but just having him ask me out and mention making out and sleeping over at his house together and just sleeping in his arms. Fuuuuckkkk. My imagination is a bitch cause that's something I really really want. Hmph. I guess my brain knows I haven't kissed people enough to imagine that since I never kissed him in the dream but I know we were sleeping over at his house and he was cute as per usual and all that fun stuff. Already I'm forgetting what I dreamed about, but oh well. I think that's the first time I've dreamed about him or any guy so specifically. Idk what my brain was trying to tell me, although he was on my mind when I went to sleep. Fuck. My feelings are coming back with a vengeance. And yet I know he's gonna go and travel the world soon so getting into a relationship isn't really ideal. But I still want one and I still want him.

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

January 1st, 2017.

So I went to Chris’ party last night. I’m just going to copy and paste all the texts I sent to shivs cause I think they’re a great summary of what happened. I texted her at 2-4am this morning after I got home from the party so bear that in mind.

Ok so it started off with getting ready. I wasn’t sure my mom was gonna let me go to the party so I was kinda putting off getting ready so I curled my hair really fast and shitty so idk how good it came out. Whatev. We drove Bryn and we got there at like 8:30. Chris (the one who’s hosting) told people like 9 so we’re a bit early but there’s a couple ppl there already. A girl named Natalia who works at LD and never drank anything all night. Not sure why, but I respect her decision. And Matteo was there, the guy Bryn really likes. Along with Chris and his roommate Connor. So we’re just settling down, talking to ppl and I’m doing the whole “I’m outgoing I can talk and tease ppl” facade going on cause I didn’t want to do the whole awkward sit in a corner without talking to ppl like last time. But Bryn was kinda quiet and uncomfortable. Now I love Bryn to death. We’re super good friends, but like you and I, she and I are almost polar opposites. She’s religious, values dance over school and so on. But most importantly, she doesn’t do well in crowds, especially of people she doesn’t know or new places. So she was quiet even though both Chris and I were trying to get her out of her shell and get her to talk with Matteo. We were kinda successful. Chris and his roommate are already drinking and offer us drinks but we decline. Then ppl start arriving. There was a few of Chris’ friends who came and a sweet girl named Urminder and Oliver showed up with a friend of his (named some sort of brown name but I just remember his name as being Sam.. I’ll fb stalk him to find out his actual name I’d know it if I saw it) and Elliot and his girlfriend and some girl that Matteo invited. So by then everyone had arrived and we were doing the whole “let’s sit around the table and give everyone drinks and woah let’s all do a shot” Now this girl Matteo brought, she seemed nice enough, although I only spoke like one sentence to her but she’s your classic party girl. She’s good looking, drinks plenty and is encouraging and pushing everyone to do shots and was annoyed when ppl didn’t do them. Whatever.. I had no intention of doing a shot since I had a shot of rum in my drink of rum and coke and had no intention of having anymore than one shot of something at 40%. Anyways, ppl who wanna drink a bunch do their shot, try to convince the rest of us to do it but we don’t. Convo goes on and someone accidently tips the table a little later and whoops there go all the shots that ppl didn’t want to drink. Oh well. Lolol. Anyways, I’m sitting at the end of the table, Bryn is sitting next to me on the side, Natalia is sitting beside her and Oliver next to her. Now Chris, already having had a few drinks, was trying to do the whole set up Bryn with Matteo and me with Oliver. He tried to get me to sit in Natalie’s seat once she got up but I’m not ding something that obvious when he’s watching me. I mean I do eventually go sit but I’ll get to that. Anyways, by this time, the girl Matteo invited and him are talking alone more and more and getting cozy and Bryn is already giving up on trying to talk to him. Which sucks cause it meant that she shut down. Like she was still there but was kinda only half there half watching everyone else cause the whole reason she came was made null and void. And that sucked cause when ppl feel sad like that I feel upset for them and I tried to draw her out of her shell but she had already given up so she was pretty quiet the whole night. Anyways, Natalia, chris, Urminder and Oliver disappear for a bit and when the come back, I switch seats under the guise of being closer to the food. Now Oliver doesn’t immediately come sit, but Sam does and we talk a bit. Sam was OK. He’s 19 but he seemed pretty fuck boy, yenno. We got talking a little later, and he was nice but yenno when you get that vibe? Anyways, I’m popping a thing of bubble wrap, whatev. Time ticks by and finally Oliver sits down beside me. Tbh I don’t remember if we ended up talking properly, I don’t think we did. But at one point, he tried to convince me to eat a cookie that he brought (one of those cookies from the containers that usually have sewing shit in them? He actually brought the cookies and not just a tin of sewing needles). So he’s trying to convince me to have a cookie, and he’s pretty drunk at this point and he puts his hand on my arm and leans towards me in an attempt to convince me to try a cookie cause I’m too skeptical. Now sadly, when this happened, all I could think about was this was probs the longest contact we had had other than hugging at the end of hanging out on Halloween. Which is an interesting thought to run through your brain when the guy you like had his hand on your arm and trying to convince you to eat a cookie, but what you gonna do? Anyways, he resorts to grabbing a cookie and pushing it in my face, basically trying to feed me. Now in the moment, I decided to grab it from him instead of just letting him feed it to me. In hindsight (legit like 2 mins after) I realized the smarter thing for me would have been to let him feed me but can’t take it back, oh well. So I take the cookie with my hand and eat it and he moves on to talk with other ppl. So then ppl are like “let’s move to all the couches” so we did, and I got chatting with Urminder and Natalia for a bit before Natalia left. And that’s when everyone kinda ended up crowding the door and putting on shoes. I’m talking to Sam and talking about how I’m Chinese but he’s not brown like Indian brown, he’s from one of the countries around India. I think he was trying to draw me into a convo cause fuck boy but maybe he was just being nice and friendly. Anyways, I notice ppl are leaving so i run and ask Chris where they’re going and he plays it off and was like don’t worry about it and then it clicks. They’re gonna smoke. So I go back to the sofa with Bryn and Sam is left sitting on the chair by himself. Now at this point, everyone except me, Bryn, Elliot, his gf and Sam are by the door and then coming through to go out on the balcony to smoke. Now obviously Sam is a bit unsure about this cause it takes him about a minute before he ends up going outside and joining everyone. So then it’s just the 4 of us. That’s when I started texting you about it. And it sucked cause even with Bryn with me and Elliot and his gf choosing not to either (which btw elliot just went up in my esteem because of it), it still makes you feel super left out. So at this point Bryn is super sad and quiet so when she asks me if she can teach me some tap dancing, I let her and we end up tap dancing and watching tap dancing vids till everyone comes back in. Now the smoking thing was weird for me cause I can’t see myself ever using that shit by myself. And i don’t like the idea of him or anyone I’m interested in using it but at the same time I feel guilty that it matters to me? Yenno? Cause I think it’s pretty harmless if done carefully, just like alcohol. In moderation is key. I feel like it shouldn’t matter to me. But I managed to pin down why I don’t like it while talking to Bryn later. Anyways, it’s like 10 mins to midnight by the time they all come in. At that point everyone is offered a shot of schnapps and I check the percentage, see that’s it’s only 15, figure that I’ve only had one shot of rum over like 3 hours that I didn’t feel any effects from that I was safe to do it. So I take the shot, walk over to the living room with Bryn. Now I could have stopped in the circle with Chris, Oliver, Urminder and Sam, but my feelings were still in a jumble about the weed thing that I just go past him to stand a little off. Click strikes midnight and we do a shot. Didn’t find it that hard to gulp down but Bryn did which I found cute. Anyways, Bryn goes back to watching vids on the computer pretty quick and I’m left watching ppl be drunk so I end up with her pretty quick and we watch as ppl remember Chris brought a pinata and so they line up to hit it with a mini hockey stick. And Matteo managed to crack the stick in half while hitting the pinata which was pretty funny. So now ppl are drunkenly stabbing the pinata and then Oliver takes the broken hockey stick and hits the pinata in a way that it tears open and candy goes flying and then hits it again and all the stuff falls out. Which makes me kinda impressed cause the last time I tried to play with a pinata, we beat it to death and still couldn’t get it to open so we pulled it apart by hand. So the fact that he actually opened the pinata properly was kinda amazing. Anyways, by this time, it text my mom happy new year and tell her that Bryn’s dad is picking us up but I’m not sure when. My mother seems fine so Bryn and I continue to watch the party together assuming it’s fine. So anyways, Bryn and I get to discussing how we’re feeling cause the night is ending. So basically we end up discussing how for her, the girl Matteo invited was someone who she was never gonna be cause she’s not a social party girl and how even though every single person is amazing in their own way, being in an environment where the things that make her stand out don’t matter and it sucks cause she’ll never be able to compete party wise with a girl like who Matteo brought. And then I realized that’s what gets under my skin about the pot stuff. It’s not that it bothers me if ppl smoke. I don’t care. But I don’t like when ppl I’m interested in smoke because I know I’m not that kind of person. I’m never going to want to go out and smoke and that just kinda sitting sits in your mind, almost like another girl as competition but different. You know what I mean? I’m never going to want to go out and smoke so in situations where he wants to, I’m always going to be left out. I’m going to feel inadequate or stupid for not doing it. And it sucks because we’re all special and we’re all different so if I don’t want to smoke, that’s fine. If someone else does want to, that’s fine. But it’s the fact that in situations where he does want to, the clear divide of him doing it and me not doing it sucks. It really really sucks. And I think that why the pot thing bothers me. Because no matter how amazing I am, that divide is always going to exist unless he either doesn’t do it for my sake or I do it for his sake. And both of those options suck because you shouldn’t have to change for your partner. But at the end of the day, you’re either both going to have to fall on the same side or its not going to work out. Ugh. Anyways, during this convo, Sam keeps offering me a sip of his raspberry vodka coke mix so I finally take a sip (totally a weird combo btw super weird in your mouth) Oliver pops around and talks to us in bits and pieces of convos (since the kitchen is around the corner and everyone is doing more shots in the kitchen). Oliver commends are ability to stick around drunk ppl cause if he had been sober, he would have left earlier like Natalia had too. Randomly too, Sam grabs my arm, like wraps his hand around my upper arm and I look at him, tell him no I don’t want to have more of his drink and turn back to the convo with Bryn and he squeezes my arm in a weird flirty awkward wtf did he just do kind of way. Brushed it off, but it was a “wtf just happened” moment in the back of my brain. Anyways by this time it’s like 12;45, I’m telling my mother that Bryn’s father should be around soon, like 10 mins. But then Bryn says it’s gonna be longer than that and it might be right till 1:30am that it might take her dad to pick us up. And i told my mom that she could go to sleep if she wanted and that id wake her up when i got home cause shes sick and i felt bad. And that’s when my mom is like “ok but consider this the last time you’re going our with Bryn I am NOT happy!” And I’m like we’ll fuck. Here I thought we were ok so after an ok night that turned into a meh one after everyone went smoking, on top of that I feel guilty and upset cause my mom’s mad. And then of course like 5 mins later I realize I forgot my key and my mom’s like “well that makes me even happier” which of course makes me even more freaked out and make me feel super shitty. But at least Bryn’s brother was outside by that time just cleaning out his truck so we could both fit and Bryn felt bad so she said let’s just get up and leave cause I don’t want your mom to be mad and I was like well it’s too late for that but it would be good if I could get home asap. So I texted my mom we were leaving at 1:10 and we got up to grab our stuff and leave. Now this is where it gets interesting. Now at this point Oliver has told me that he had been sobering up and coming down so idk how much under the influence he was but this is what threw me in a weird fucking loop. Oliver came up and gave Bryn a hug and said bye and happy new year. I was sad, upset, freaked out all in one so I was like “2017 is gonna be a shitty year” and I had been saying it all night long but I was kinda at the end of my rope when I said it to him. So then he came over to me and he gave me a big hug that was tight and he was like “long hug, long hug” quietly as we were hugging and I was like nah it’s gonna be a shitty year and he’s like “no you’re graduating this year it’ll be good.” And up until this point we’re still hugging, heads on each other’s shoulders (by this time Chris has walked over to walk us out and we make eye contact over the fact of how long this hug with Oliver and I is getting) and when I say it’s gonna be a shitty year, he pulls back so we’re still arms around each other but now we’re looking at each other and he’s super close and idk what he was looking for but we kinda stared at each other for a moment. I had no idea what he was thinking, all I could think of was how long and tight the hug was and how close enough we were to kiss. But since Chris and Matteo and Bryn were watching, even if he did consider it, he didn’t do it and we let go and said byes. It was super weird. Just the combo of the super tight, long hug with him even saying “here’s a long hug” or whatever he was saying quietly to me about how the hug should be long for me plus the whole, pull back stare at each other, I had 0 clue as to how to interpret that like wtf. Wtf. After a whole night of kinda being ignored kinda being chatted with, hot and cold awkward drunk convos and interactions, the whole hug just topped it off as weird. And sweet. And nice. And made me hopeful again. And made me confused af about his behaviour all night and idek. Like it was fucking weird. Like who says “have a long hug” or “long hug” under their breath when hugging someone (I wish I could remember exactly what he said but I was too shocked to properly remember it. All I know was that he was referring to how long and how tight he was holding me so idek. Anyways, I get home, getting her brother to drop us off on the next block cause I assume my mother got my I’m leaving text and would be waiting for me at the kitchen table since the door was locked and I didn’t have my key. My mother is not sitting at the table so I try the door and it’s locked and I’m confused af and freaked out now cause I’m like “do you want me to wait for you? Do you want me to wake Mei Lin up to unlock the door? Do you want me to sit outside on the step and make me guilt myself completely before you open the door? Do you want me to go to Bryn’s house?” Anyways, turns out she never got my I’m leaving text and didn’t realize I was home yet. She opens the door and says in a teasing voice “$50 charge” and then let’s me inside. We talk about the party and stuff but she wasn’t mad, or at least played it off cause she felt guilty. Either way, she wasn’t as mad as she acted like she was by text or maybe she just calmed down by the time I got home and realized that maybe a) we never set a curfew/time to be home b) getting a ride home from someone else means having little control of the time c) I was open to her about what happened and who was there since I told her about the drinks and the pot so maybe freaking out at me isn’t the best approach to keeping an open relationship or d) it’s new years. Idk which one or combo of those but either way, I was quite relieved to not get a yelling at tonight since I already felt guilty about the whole night by her texts.

So yea. That happened. I’m still confused about Oliver and it’s frustrating still being affected by his actions so much. But that’s life. Can’t change feelings. I really wanted to kiss him cause I still like him and yet I didn’t. It was an interesting night. Also school is starting up again in a couple of days and I still need to do a bunch of shit which is annoying. Oh well.

Also, Caroline tried to get her mom to drop her off at my house before she went over to Tristam’s but the timing didn’t work out and I kinda felt bad and yet I didn’t. Hahah whatev.

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

December 16th, 2016

So I just remembered that this is a thing that exists so I figured I should write an entry since it’s friday night and winter break has officially started. I think this might end up being a long post, so let’s get going.

First, I just finished applying to SFU. Decided to apply for environmental science as my first choice and microbiology/biotechnology as my second choice. I’m just trying to come to terms with the fact that I actually might want to do environmental stuff more than I want to do pure science stuff. I knew I liked environment stuff, but I thought I liked pure science more. But reading the program descriptions, I’m finding that both SFU’s and UBC’s environment programs seem to interest me more than the science ones. Idk. I guess I had it in my mind that I was a science person. But I can’t help what I do and I don’t find interesting. It’s hard. I kept making myself second guess every step of the way with mom, but in the end I just did it. First year will be the same, regardless of what program I take, so it’s fine. I guess I just need to reevaluate my ideas of what I like and what I don’t like.

Also, speaking of UBC, I applied there earlier this month too. Their application was a bitch, bunch of 250 word questions that were annoying af to answer. Oh well, I did it. I ended up applying for Biotechnology first and then Natural resource conservation second. Like sfu, I second guessed my choices for a.long time. I’m not sure I’m going to be happy doing the biotechnology program or not, since i thought the week of it I did earlier this year was pretty meh. I just hope I can be happy with it if that is what I end up doing. It’s a good career path since it’s a developing field. As for their conservation stuff, tbh I almost put that as my first choice, but that doesn’t really make sense since putting the harder to get into faculty as a backup is just non logical. When I was reading the program descriptions, the conservation actually sounded like a really good program and I was super into it. Oh well. Guess we’ll see. I hope everything works out and that I don’t fuck up everything ik term two. It all comes down to English and math, and since I got 100% on the first term 2 math test, I’m starting off pretty good. Just hoping my English essay was a good one.

Alright, moving away from school. I guess I should address the Oliver topic, since my last post was pretty dramatic and quite the cliff hanger. Basically I told him that I was dissapointed he wasn’t interested, but that I was glad he told me and that I knew that knowing what you want right in the moment doesn’t always happen. Basically we agreed to stay friends, but our convos have stopped, which sucks, but it’s kinda good too, since I’ve been super focused on school. Talking to him meant that I wasn’t getting stuff done properly cause I was choosing to talk to him instead. Which is bad for a time when I need to be focusing on school. But he’s still hot as fuck and I still smile when I can hear him on the radio in store. I kinda lost hope for him for anything but a friend, but it’s all good. The little romance run let my hormones and shit out, so I’m good for another term at least before I start being moppy about guys again. And by that point, I might as well wait for uni guys xD. Oh, and Oliver and work, I guess I should talk about the staff party. I was super dissapointed. It was basically how I was super worried it was going to be. I didn’t know enough people and I hated it. Didn’t want to sir with Warren and Tina and I just didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere else and it sucked so much. It was just me sitting at a table awkwardly for a good 3 hours. I got a big chocolate bar, but it definitely doesn’t make up for the sucky night. Sat at the same table as both Dante and Oliver and neither of them made an effort to talk to me. At points, it felt like Oliver was purposely avoiding me, which hurt, but idk if that’s what he was actually doing or if it was just my mind. Either way, whatev. It’s over now. It was a boring and awkward staff party and it would have been better if either Bryn or Meg came with me, but they didn’t so whatev. I just know that I won’t go to the next one if I don’t have a good friend with me. Alright, school. Well, I did really well in term 1 so I’m pretty proud. Only Exume gave me an 89 which broke my 90s streak which was annoying. But hey, first world problems, right? I got 99 in Bio which is crazy, like how tf am I supposed to top that in term 2. The rest were 93 or above except for French, but that’s fine. I’m just glad I did so well despite all the stress that’s been coming down hard on me with all the post grad talk. Although having applied to both my main schools, i feel like alot of the weight has been lifted off me. I’m not sure if I’m going to apply for BCIT, but even if I’m not, I’m quite set to be accepted into at least one of the 4 programs I applied to. Which means I can stop worrying so much. Now it’s just down to applying for scholarships like crazy.

And friends too. I should definitely talk about that, I think. Lately, everyone has been pissing me off. I’m glad it’s winter break cause I need a break from everyone. And it’s not that anyone directly is being an ass to me, but people are being so annoying to shivs and therfore by extension, I become pissed off at them to. So first, Tristam. He and Caroline are dating and having sex. But he has confessed to shivani that he apparently loves her and not Caroline. And she told him that she won’t be mad for him having feelings but she definitely doesn’t return those feelings and will continue to be interested in Stefan. And that pissed him off so he’s being a dick to her and I hate it. I’ll think they’re alright and then she’ll tell me something else and it’s just so frustrating. Today was the first time tristam and I have walked to school together in like 2 or 3 weeks, it’s kinda crazy. But I’m glad for a break, because as he likes to keep bringing up, our convos are shit and so valueless. All we talk about is school or Caroline, both of which are boring. So it’s just kinda like “k” with him. As for Caroline, shivs and I have just been noticing more and more her bitchy selfish ways like asking for food and never sharing anything back. Or being an entitled bitch about everything. It’s just frustrating. Need a break from both of them. That’s all I can think of right now. I have a christmas break to do list that’s pretty long, but it’s all good. I just needed a break from school.

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

November 14, 2016. So I woke up to this. All I know is that I'm not even mad. Just slightly disappointed really. And I don't know if I should feel more anger or hurt or something. But I don't. I can't be mad at him. And I worry that's because my feelings are clouding my vision again, but I don't think so. I think I am just an understanding human being. Sure, I hope he'll come around and want to date me at some point, but frankly what scares me more than him never wanting to be in a relationship with me is losing his friendship. I dunno if that makes me crazy or just a nice person. I dunno what to do anymore though. I figure though, imma go to the staff Christmas party and look amazing. Like so amazing and have some fun with that. Especially since I think Dante likes me. He's been saying hi and saying quick comments here and there whenever we see each other. Yesterday he even came into the department looking for me to offer me some chocolate eggs from a tiny pack he got for free. So I'm pretty sure he likes me. Guys don't do that shit if they're not interested. Unfortunately I'm not really interested in Dante. But I'm not adverse to getting to know him more. So yea, I'm gonna see how this conversation goes with Oliver but I'm not that worried. Dissapointed, sure. But not mad or anything. Side note; just sent in my TD leadership scholarship application. Riach gave me the most amazing reference letter. Like wow oh wow. But it was gonna be $42 to send it priority!! $42!! So I just sent it Express Post since it only needs to get there by Friday (it's Monday today) so I'm not worried.

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

November 12th, 2016 Been a bit overwhelmed by scholarship applications and university applications and homework and school and gymnastics all coming together in one weekend. But it's been alright. I'll figure it out. Did learn that SFU's admission averages are super low though, so I'm not so stressed anymore about not getting in anywhere. I'm pretty confident I'll get into ubc too, but knowing that I'll almost definitely get into sfu take a bit of the stress and worry off. I'm hanging out with Oliver the day before my birthday so I'm happy. Mom's going to be away at the conference so we might be spending the time in the basement. Hopefully we will kiss at last, but either way I'll be happy I get to spend more time with him. I'm kinda unsure if he's still super into me or not, but shivs did point out that he wouldn't want to hang out with me if he wasn't still interested. So I guess that's good, right? But it means back to the nervous butterflies of not actually ever made out with anyone, but whatev. I'll figure it out on the spot I suppose. I just hate doing that though, ugh. Oh well. My enthusiasm will have to make up for my lack of skill. Also my gotcha day was earlier this week, the day after the election. Everyone was talking about Donald trump so it wasn't really that special of a day, but it was special for me, so it's all good. Alot to think about as I grow older, but I know I'm very happy where I am. Side note, Lulie commented on my fb post and I wanted to barf, such fake bs she was spewing. Didn't reply so whatev. But yenno xD

[rantingisabadhabitbutwhatev]

November 1st, 2016 So Halloween hang out was last night. And we didn't make out, which on one hand is pretty disappointing and on the other, really sweet since we legit just wandered around greentree, BCIT and the graveyard for 4 hours. It was great. I was worried we wouldn't have as good convo chemistry in person since it gets awkward in store, but it was great in person. No real awkward pauses or anything. Just good solid convo for hours and we wandered around. Nearly froze to death sitting on the bench in the park but had a great time. He didn't make a move and neither did I so we just hugged at the end of the night. But he's super sweet and I really like him. And I'm really glad we have good conversation chemistry. That's probably what was one of the most frustrating things with Liam and Khalid, the fact that we couldn't hold a conversation together. And that sucked. But this time it'll be better. Also Tristam mentioned kinks after school and made me think about kinky sex and now I'm just thinking about it with Oliver and how interesting it'll be if we're super compatible or not. Either way, I'll be happy. I think the kinky side of me can wait a while longer to explore if need be.