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Here we go again...

4/20/21

I had a good day today but for some reason, I couldn’t stop thinking of killing myself. Why? I ask, and the answer probably has more chapters than Harry Potter but today we will (try to) discuss only one. I have good people around me and I get jealous whenever they tell me the things they have going for them. I will never want to see them fail and I hope they never stop succeeding because I believe that I should be surrounded by people who motivate me to do better. However, it is pretty depressing to know that you will never get the same opportunities that they had/have, either because of finances, race, or origin.

I feel trapped, lost, confused, and overall hopeless. I’m starting to believe that things may never get better and I fear that I will be stuck in this self-loathing state where I try to achieve things and my true self is the only hindrance to my success. How can I be myself around people when everything I am has been the reason I’ve been denied so many opportunities?

I don’t even know happiness anymore. I thought that I could continue this patch-job happiness with self-medication and a combination of entertainment and productivity but nothing seems fruitful these days. I think I have reached the point of sorrow, despair, and desperation where I have to consider if I want to continue living like this. I mean, everyone says it will get better and although some things do, most things go in the opposite direction.

I have so many think-pieces and superstitiously-formed partial theses on why I don’t feel happy, fulfilled, or accepted but at least I know I have love. It’s kinda crazy how something so fickle and easy to find can be a solid force. I have lost drive as well as the purpose and the only thing carrying this cargo ship of sadness is the love I get on my good days.I think it’s a bittersweet conundrum that I only have two options; carry on with the life-bearing fear of the future or end it all whilst bearing the fear of the afterlife.

I believe life is a gift and sometimes I hate myself for not appreciating it. I also believe God sent me a sign when my car crashed and my epiphany helped me deduce that life could be bad but it could also get worse, and even at its worst, the lack of life seems even worse than the prospect of suffering through it. I hope that someday God will align my path to find him and then perhaps I will look back at this phase as nothing but the trials and tribulations for ignoring his words.

Only time will tell. I know people are out there praying for me and I hope it’s not all in vain. I have no strength to carry myself anymore.

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The day I learn discipline and self-control will be the day I begin to take over the world.

Me to me, nigga.

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when you thought you couldn’t get anymore suicidal & heartbreak proves you wrong

I fell in love thrice and it’s funny how I lost it

If love was on a continent I’ll barely be a tourist

If love was a football, I’ll bet I’ll always fumble

On the first, second, third, yeah - dumb, dumber; mads

And I wish I had control of all my feelings

My motions of emotions are oftentimes misleading

Cause and effect king, I’m the catalyst and victim

And I wouldn’t be depressed, if I let someone else listen

I hope someday that I could get paid for spitting feelings

‘Cause those I got a lot, and money not enough

I’d probably be happier if I could piss in pots

I’ve tried to find the devil but I think he found me first

If suicide is a sin well just tell him that I’m on my way

If I ain’t there tomorrow then I’ll make it on some other day

A failure and a loner so I only guess it’s safe to say

That I’m a breathing waste, who’s just waiting for his final day

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Customary Verse from Mads

I wrote this early in August and I completed it last week. It’s not accurate or complete yet but it depicts how I feel about everything up to an extent. I’ll record this someday, when I feel like talking.

She came over to pass time

Smoked a j and I told her it’s past nine

And I knew main thing would be home soon

She asked me don’t you think I want a main too?

-

And then she tell me she ain’t leaving me

She ain’t no side and she hate my negativity

She hate my girl and she wish she could just marry me

She want the dick but she’d rather have a family

-

Now I’m stuck with a tough choice

Life is hitting me with curves, I ain’t Babe Ruth

Bad girls, fine liquor, can I stay true?

Because the one I really want wants me faithful

-

Should I chase who I love or who loves me?

It’s too fast and my feelings in the front seat

Everybody wants to settle down with somebody

And now I gotta choose my girl or my fuck buddy

-

I hear the bell and my girl at the front door

I take the wine to the head and I chug more

I hear the devil laughing at me through the scene cuts

I say a prayer and I leave it all to Jesus

-

Open up and I know the fucking worst awaits

Kiss her at the door then I tell her andale

She asked “who the fuck is that in our private space?”

And then I start explanations and apologies

-

And she hates me but that ain’t the worst part

She lost trust and probably half our love spark

And there’s nothing I could say to her or say to me

That could fix all the pain and the hate that I made for me

__

Mads

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Disloyal vs Unloyal - The A side of the B side

I’m fucking depressed. I miss my girl and best friend so damn much. Imagining her pain drives me crazy and I can’t even stand it most times so I drink and smoke when I can to alleviate the pain. I bet she feels worse and she not a coward like i.e. she doesn’t even need alcohol or drugs to swallow reality. The problem with substances however is that they take you away from reality momentarily -- Whenever I come down from my high, I still remember and feel all the pain and embarrassment I’ve caused her. I still feel it whenever I tell her I love her and I can sense her doubts. I’m tired of this feeling and I’ve contemplated killing myself so many times it the past week, as a permanent solution. I’ll do anything to make this stop but it can’t, my whole life revolves around her.

My greatest fear is being a negative memory or a bad decision in her life. 

I wish things could return to normal but what’s normal anyway?

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Disloyal vs Unloyal

Is your last robbery ever really your last? Is your last line of coke ever really your last? I’ve been trying to convince her it was over but she’ll never believe.

I started talking to my ex in May - on her birthday and that sent me down a long path. A path I would never walk again, even if it was that or death. I love my girl, I swear I do -- and it’s not because people say this, but because I actually do. She loves me too. The ‘but’ here though is that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I told my ex it was over so many times, that I didn’t want to talk suggestively anymore but I was pulled back in so many times as well. But when I finally summoned the courage to really end it, what I wanted the most was speedily approaching it’s last days of glory. She saw the messages, she saw the things I said and everything else became a lie instantaneously. 

I know I did things, very bad things that shouldn’t be forgiven under most circumstances so it’s only right when I say I feel stupid for what I did. I never want to lose her, I never want to let her go, I want her to trust me but I still did what I did without thinking of the consequences. For a while I thought this made me inhuman and heartless but after much thinking I realized that people who smoke or go to parties instead of doing homework have something in common with me -- we know the consequences and we still did it anyways. 

“I wish I could take it back, I wouldn’t do it again” - most lung cancer patients right before dying.

It was all nostalgia, I feel back into something and started saying the things I used to say. I didn’t love my ex or think her body was perfect but yet I said it, why? I still don’t know. Maybe I was romanticizing the past without realizing that the present was even wayyyyy better. If I was offered a choice, ceteris paribus, I would still choose my girl because I know what I want and what I need and she just so happens to be both - so yes, to me she is as perfect as humans get. 

She will never love me the same and she may never trust me but one thing I’ve done all my life is start something and never finish because of hiccups, and I don’t intend to do that again. she deserves everything good and I want to give that to her. I don’t owe her a thing but seeing her happy makes me so happy and seeing her sad drives me nuts -- it “Grinds My Gears” as a certain Family Guy episode would have said (S04E28 for all ye uncultured swine).

No one understand me like she does, no one knows me like she does and no one presents the truth to me like she does. I want her more than anything else in the world. However, I don’t want her to look over her shoulder for the rest of her life (because that’s how long I’m gonna love her) but if it’s gonna be that way then I understand why she’d leave. I’m stressed and hurt because my actions caused this and my chances of remedial are very slim.

Even though I’ve learnt my lesson in a very hard way, I doubt she’ll take me back. I’ll try 100x harder to make her feel loved, safe and appreciated if she ever takes me back and at least I know I’ll never cheat again if she doesn’t. 

I’ll be back here to say why I did those things (if I ever figure out why) and maybe I’ll say exactly why she stayed or why she left me.

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I’m just mad smh

I have no friends, I never call anyone and I’m a (st/l)oner. People like to assume I’m a snob and I may be one without even realizing it. I am constantly fed up with humanity and the lack of sympathy portrayed by humans on the daily basis. I’m not asking for people to be as soft as sheep hair but we should think through decisions. I’ve come to find out that greed is the driving force of this planet. Everything runs on greed and probably generational priorities. People don’t think with their brains, they don’t look at situations and analyze them critically, instead they fall back on outdated and minuscule family/religious traditions as the basis for their argument - not logic, never logic. I am also so sick and fed up of people blaming “society” for any and everything. That shit gets on my nerves. So to wrap things up; I hate everyone and everything because y’all don’t think.

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We’ll all die, right?

It happens at least twice every year - just when I think everything is going good, reality hits and sends me back to the pits of suffering and depression. I am so tired of living through this rollercoaster of emotions. Nothing is permanent except for pain & sorrow and I wish I wasn’t born to live through all this. I mean, what’s the point of living if we’re all scared of the potential negative outcome of our future when in fact, we’re all going to die someday. What’s the point of fearing the future when you know in the distant future you’ll still die and be a nobody compare to the 7 billion souls on this planet? Sometimes I wonder why we’re here and recently I’ve gotten so deep into existentialism that music is the only thing I have time for. Why are we here? What’s our purpose? Is it just a trial period/test for heaven (which apparently has it’s own trial period too)? I feel like a sheep - I’m in school because everyone is doing it. I want an office job with a high salary and a business as a side hustle, because everyone wants that. Why can’t I choose my destiny? Why can’t I eat my cake and have it? These are questions I hope get answered before or during death.

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no more hope

I always wondered what the bible meant when it said that at the end people will search for death and won’t find it. Now I do, I want to die and I don’t know how to escape this world without ending in hell after. I’m tired of life, my 19+ years of existence have been a shit storm and it keeps getting worse every year. I just failed the final to the class I thought I’d pass. I want to sleep and never wake up. If the tongue is really powerful then I’m yelling this out loud; I want to die right now.

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The day after 4/20

420 was lit (as fuck / as usual). First time I smoked and I din’t get any weird ideas for music. It’s probably my self-diagnosed writer’s block. I need inspiration + I really want to drop something in May. Let’s see how it goes.

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The Apple Intern

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First post - Introduction

I make music but I’ve never released a song so I thought a tumblr account would be the best way to publicize my lyrics, trashed lyrics & other stuff.

- Mads 4/14/17