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ー侘寂ー

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Still where I was.

105-107. Just really haven't found posting helpful lately.

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It's like my body just refuses to cooperate

I'm so close to giving up. Truly wish I could sleep forever.

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106.8

I volunteer at an elementary school when I'm not at work, and I've been asked to do extra volunteering in a couple of weeks, which is around when I was planning on piercing my septum (based on my current pattern of weight loss). I didn't want to have a freshly healing septum piercing when I'm at the school more than usual, so I got it done last night. It isn't that I can't have piercings there, but more that if the middle schoolers saw it and decided they wanted one, they'd probably fight with their parents about it. Been there when I was a kid. Don't want to be the inspiration for anyone's argument. Plus, I think if I got it the day I hit 100 or something, it might inspire me to... Binge?

It turns out that wasn't necessary because the piercer believes in a lengthier healing time than I have known for septums--ten weeks. Since I will have reason to hide it or flip it up at some point in the coming two months, we just flipped it up right away and there it will stay till February. It's kind of exciting, because maybe I'll be normal again by then!

Anyway, it kind of hurts to chew or open my mouth and then close it, because it pulls on the skin below my nose and therefore also yanks my septum a bit.

My boyfriend mentioned that my face has gotten a lot thinner. Somehow he didn't notice me fatten up, but he can clearly see me slimming out again. I learned that he didn't realize 90 pounds is (medically) underweight. We both have other partners and he doesn't realize that his is also very underweight. She sits at like a 16.4 BMI. Not super purposefully either. Men know nothing. 🙄

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106.4

Whew. My Monday meltdown was, apparently, not super necessary.

I’m finally getting into what could be halfway acceptable for weight. Like, before all this happened, I would have considered 104 to be the absolute highest I could be before flinging myself off a bridge. Once I get there, every single pound lost will be a step towards being myself again. Everything before that was some next level weight gain mystery shit with no destination in sight because I’d never been that heavy before. I don’t know if any of that actually makes sense.

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jouetie_official on Instagram

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Back at 107.4

Bodies don't make sense but hopefully tomorrow I'm 106 pounds and some change.

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Faerie embroidered fishnets | © Lirika Matoshi

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Soshi Christmas Countdown 🎄

December 4th: Diamond (141219 Music Bank Year End Special)

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🐾

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Okay. Okay. Going to calm down.

I don’t need to skip work just because the universe is somehow against the idea of me being thin, because that’s not true. These things happen. I can do better. I just have to make sure I’m lower on sodium so I don’t bloat and trust that I’m not actually gaining weight as long as I’m not eating enough to gain weight (which I’m not), and not do anything drastic that might make it so I do gain weight. And besides, if I woke up a lower weight every morning, I would doubt the veracity of that weight loss.

I just want this to be gone so badly. I can’t believe I could spend years at 92 pounds solid and just... let this happen. I feel so disgusting all the time. It’s hard not to want to hurt myself. I’m ashamed to even exist at this weight. It is a lot to handle sometimes. I haven’t felt pretty in months. I haven’t felt that happy in months. Being so linked up to your body is a huge curse.

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No matter where I am in my cycle, I haven’t been able to stop bleeding for more than a couple of days for the past month, and now I’ve gone from 107.6 to 110.4 overnight? Am I in some fatass hell? I want to throw myself out of a window. fjdklsafjkdla;fl. I will never be thin again. What the FUCK happened.

I am actually angsting hard enough to not want to go into work. I want to hide from my stupid chubby body and fucking do penance until my old one comes back. This is so disgusting. All I ate was salad and egg whites and grapes. I did not eat more than 1,000 calories in any way, shape, or form. And yet... UGH. fjkdlasfjdkl;safkdklad