rat-runner

[rat-runner]

I hate you

you have broken that last bit of naive I felt I had in me, childhood is finally gone- taken but adult pride no less

I trusted you and believed in you and in the end you proved to be no different that anyone else, a fucking disappointment again

You were supposed to be the last step, the last fucking one, why couldn't you at least been that

I Refuse to be like you, a fucking illusion

empty promises, yoire not different, and in ways you're worst

I worked so hard and still wasnt enough, why couldn't it have been enough this time

when will it be enough, when can I fucking rest, my fucking god

I work hard, why isnt it enough, will will it be enough

i really wanted this one to be the one, I really did

[rat-runner]

glass, irony and good, anne carson // margaret atwood // enough, suzanne buffam // linnea paskow // in conversation: kathleen turner, david marchese // haunted womanhood, heather havrilesky // where to begin, sue zhao // the stream of life, clarice lisepector

[rat-runner]

I'm sorry I really am

Im sorry that you get the opportunity to get a way and really escape your life for a bit and then become completely overcome by the sadness of waiting longer to feel that escape and safety

while I dont get that, so im sorry that I am able to put my emotions away and take care of you when you need but you cant when I need because youre sad that a good ended that you are guaranteed will happen again

im sorry I dont get the grace of legit just asking you to hear me out and actually maybe respond more than "im sorry things are rough" versus just really ackwnoeldhgeing what Im frustrated about

I'm sorry that ive been raised to completely put my emotions aside to take care of others

and im sorry that so far you haven't been the partner I need in terms of helping me with that slack

but of course, thats probably asking to much

I am once again, forced to take care of myself 100% and then I get in trouble because I am caring for myself the way I am forced too

also fuck all of yall

of walls holier than thou prosecuting attitude if people do not react the way you do

you speak of a better world but only if it is on your terms

you can swing your butcher knife all you want

and if I choose to survive as best as I can then breed me a coward because sometimes it only feels all I can do is survive

[rat-runner]

The worst person in my reality is neither me or my partner but a 3rd party who added themselves.

I despise you with every fibre of my being

how dare you bring back feelings i haven't felt since I was young and afraid, physically you can hurt me but once again I am forced to stay quiet so my loved one is affected.

why must I suffer because you have refused to grow and heal

this should be the happiest time of my life but I am filled with dread every time you are mentioned

my night and at times it fee;s my life is ruined because of you

i wish you would move far away, so far away that I forget what you look like

i hate your fucking guts you turn me back into a beast only filled with rage and feaar

stay the fuck outta my life, i never chose you and I will never choose you

i fucking hate you with all of my soul

you are the worst part of my life

[rat-runner]

Why is no. Not enough? Why am I meant to fight myself because you want me at a simple event- I don’t understand

I try to go and make you happy and yet you can’t respect the one time I say no?

[rat-runner]

What we endure for love, it sometimes feels you picked her over me, me when I was suffering before your eyes, me who endured time and time again because I love you.

I know you fight but gods so did, I can’t speak of it with my mother withought tears streaming down my face.

I know it’s left another scar, I just know unfortunately it can’t be healed with you

[rat-runner]

Wow

[rat-runner]

I’m deleting my tiktok...

After months of being nagged by my friends, I finally downloaded TikTok a few weeks ago. I never had anything against tiktok…at least I didn’t before.

I honestly ended up liking the app way more than I thought I would and finally learned first-hand how addictive it could be. It quickly became part of my morning routine, just mindlessly scrolling through videos before starting the day.

Overall things were normal with the app until one day I suddenly got a notification telling me I got a new follower. I didn’t think anything of it…until I saw myself smiling back at me. Not only was the profile picture a picture of me but it was also a selfie I had taken the night before and decided not to post.

I immediately froze, feeling dread start to form in the pit of my stomach. I stared at the screen for what felt like ages. It was almost as if my mind couldn’t process what I was looking at, as if I was looking for a hidden solution that would make this all go away, something that would make this all make sense – but nothing ever came. In fact, somehow things only got worse.

Looking back, I should have deleted the app then and there…but I didn’t. At the time it strangely felt scarier to not check the account. So, my morbid curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on account name: “EUN-EYCON-EHOB-VES”.

The account’s description was just a bunch of random letters: “AINÓINCICI” with a smiley face at the end, somehow that small detail just made the whole thing more unsettling for me. I decided to take a screenshot in case I needed it as evidence for something later.

Again, I know I should have stopped then and there but I didn’t, I just couldn’t.

There were just three videos on the account. Each of the tiktoks had a black screen and were labeled from 1-3 in the preview, what was even weirder were that the numbers were a bright sparkly pink font. I started with “1”, though my thumb hovered over the screen for a few seconds, I mentally fought myself before finally giving in.

The first one was only a few seconds long; a shaky first-person view of someone walking through some woods at night, using a flashlight to light their way. If that wasn’t ominous enough, whomever was filming was either breathing heavily or loudly shivering, I couldn’t tell, and it made my skin crawl. Everything about the video felt off, despite it showing nothing, it felt as if I had just watched some sort of snuff film I wasn’t supposed to see.

I then felt my hands start to slightly tremble, my anxiety starting to rise as I reluctantly kept going. The second video was in the same perspective but this time the person was filming a small apartment complex, releasing a shaky breath while zooming in on a certain balcony. it took me a few seconds but once I realized what I was staring at my heart skipped a beat.

It was my balcony, my apartment building and that’s when I connected that the woods from previous video was in fact, the trail near my place.  To say that my heart was racing would be an understatement, I was starting to feel lightheaded and fucking terrified. My mind screamed at me to run, to do something, anything! But my body was frozen in place. I didn’t know what I was more afraid of, what I had watched so far or what remained for me in the final tiktok.

I don’t remember clicking it but suddenly “Part 3” was playing and what I saw still haunts me to this day.

I immediately saw myself, wearing the same outfit from earlier. I’m cooking dinner, completely unaware as someone films me through my balcony’s glass door. The person zooms in on me, the camera much shakier this time around as their breathing suddenly gets more aggressive…it’s as if they’re excited. The violent camera shakes only adds to nauseum I feel, I feel like I need to hold back the bile starting to rise in the back of my throat.

They then point a gloved finger in my direction, breathing ragged when I notice them holding a photograph of me, one I’ve never seen before in the same hand. Finally, then, I hear something that makes something in me click; they quietly sing my name in an eerily high voice. I immediately closed my phone then and there, never watching the end of that god forsaken video.

The room feels completely off kilter, like I can’t stand straight, and I could throw up at any minute. But I somehow managed to call mom in my panicked state. Thankfully she’s on her way over and she’s called 911 but I can’t stop shaking you guys. I know my front door and balcony are locked but what if it’s not enough? What if they get in?