rat3000 - Tumblr blog

[rat3000]

i hope every mother of a son with a girlfriend fucking grows up and stops hating on the girl for no reason. you’re weird.

[rat3000]

i love my boyfriend so much i love that this blog is basically dead because i can talk to him about my problems and also just talk to him about how much i love him i love him so so much i cannot wait to see how life goes with him i want to marry him someday

[rat3000]

Water Lilies, Claude Monet

[rat3000]

well i ended things with you. you’re carrying things on as normal as if i didn’t. i don’t know what to think. it’s so weird

[rat3000]

seeing the way i should have been treated by you is insane. i know i shouldn’t be moving on from you this way, but it’s okay under the rules you wanted. you can’t get hurt from your own circumstances

[rat3000]

i wanted you to say that i look beautiful. you said something poetic instead. why can’t you ever just say that i look nice? why must it be a metaphor?

[rat3000]

IF YOU LIKE ME WHY NOT TELL ME

[rat3000]

[rat3000]

if you ever asked me how long i liked you i’d have to lie. i know you think you made the first move. i made it so so long before that. in june of 2021 i told my roommate you were cute. from then on, you were going to be mine. it’s so crazy how when your cars A/C broke, so did mine. we had so much in common over that. and it’s crazy how you got my number just a couple of days before you needed to text me about some work-related problem. you called me up drunk and couldn’t stop giggling. you had a girlfriend and you were mine. it’s crazy how “e” told me you had a girlfriend and the first time i heard about it was when we both somehow ended up drunk at the same bar despite you being 21 and me being 19, even if only for a couple more days. it’s crazy how i was “sooo drunk” that i booed your girlfriend. i asked you if you had seen my private story on snapchat and you said that you weren’t on it. crazy how i didn’t add you until late october. you swiped up one day and we talked until 5 in the morning. “you really get me” you said when i sold you on some c’est la vie bullshit about how i never plan anything. the next day you saw me at the barbecue party you had been planning for ages, but i brought a friend so you didn’t feel like you could quite tell me alone that you and your girlfriend had broken up. your friends are blabber mouths though. i invite you to my new year’s party for no reason. when you can’t go i act more disappointed than i should for a coworker not being able to make it. i work with your friends too, and i didn’t invite any of them so you can put two and two together about why you were invited. your friend who gossips the most asked me about my dating life. i lied. i said i had nothing going on but that there was one guy i found cute. he said that two of his friends had crushes on me. i nailed them on the spot. you and your close friend. i pick up a shift that someone drops because it means i work alone with you for hours. i explicitly flirt with you all shift, but i hang up a framed photo of me and your friend i know has a crush on me. you curse under your breath. i post a snap story on my private story, as predicted you swipe up. i decide to close on the seven month long deal. none of this was random.

[rat3000]

it’s your birthday, as of 50 minutes ago. we’re texting for a bit. you say “i guess we should go to bed now” and i’m transported back to when i wrote in my notes app that i wish we could be we. it’s crazy to think about. one year ago you were out getting drunk with your friends and you wanted to see me so you took a detour with them before you went home. i texted you asking if you wanted to hang out just us again and you asked me to come over that night. i told you you were too drunk and i was too tired and you said i was right. that was at 4:30am. we’re a bit more grown up now. our latest nights are about 2:15 when we accidentally stay up too long laughing over something stupid. when i go to your place you say “what do we wanna do” instead of saying what you wanna do or asking what i wanna do. i usually let you choose unless i’m feeling particularly picky that day. i said back then that i wanted to live in the we. i think that’s still true. my coworker asked me if i would marry you. i lied and told her maybe down the road in the future, if we both knew for a while that we were ready and we were financially able to get married. the truth is i would marry you tomorrow. it one of those things i just know. i love you. i love you. i love you. happy birthday, i love you.

[rat3000]

i’m so tired. i’m just so tired. i feel 13 again.

[rat3000]

you do nothing wrong. i obsess over it. i freak out. i can’t get it out of my head. i am going to want to kill myself over you. it’s not your fault. i want to get in a crash so bad that my body is barely identifiable. i want to go in my sleep tonight.

[rat3000]

you make me blush in so many ways. you make me feel so happy. i picked the breakfast you eat tomorrow and you told me the only way you could go to sleep is if you couldn’t see my face cause it’s too cute to stop looking at. you look softer too. i want to squeeze you so tightly. you just want to stay up talking. it’s getting late. i love you.

[rat3000]

[rat3000]

p.s. i haven’t forgiven you for the last fight

[rat3000]

well we somehow made it to the new year. i feel like something has changed since our last fight. i say that every time. but you constantly give me everything i could want now. i don’t know what to think. i feel stuck kind of, in this. i love you so so much but i know i’m gonna need to let you go soon. i met with a psychic. you asked me what she told me and i lied, saying it was a load of BS. she immediately said “you’re in an in-between relationship with a guy and it’s holding you back.” i didn’t ask for a reading on love. i didn’t tell her anything but my name. she said that the only reason i wasn’t seeing other people was guilt and fear of if you found out. i hadn’t told her we weren’t exclusive at that point. she said i should see other people. i desperately don’t want to. i want to get married to you. i want to be engaged and married and pregnant with your child and redecorating our living room because the seasons are changing. i want to meet your mother and laugh with her about all the things i already knew we had in common from stalking her pinterest that you don’t know i found. i want your brother to tell you not to lose me. i want to stop having dreams about my exes texting me about how well they’re doing compared to me. i want to have perfect hair and perfect you and live in a house for a life we plan on building together. i know i need to let go. i just don’t want to be ready yet, even if i am.

[rat3000]

i’m sorry i’m so manipulative. i’m sorry.