rawnestjoy

[rawnestjoy]

Hey, I know you’re feeling vulnerable. I’m here though.

It’s okay if you feel like you need to cry.

He’s not leaving you to hurt you. He still loves you, you don’t have to be afraid.

He’s not going to die. He’s going to be okay.

What are you feeling right now? Any emotions?

Young Me: I’m scared.

I know. That’s understandable and makes sense. What are you afraid of most?

Young Me: being on my own. Having to take care of myself. Missing him a lot. Not being able to hear from him. Feeling like i have to be mad at him for leaving.

That sounds about right. You know you’re not bad for feeling that way, right?

Young Me: I’m not sure. Am I bad?

No, absolutely not. Emotions and experiencing them is actually very good for you. And I’m a safe person for you to feel them with.

I’ll be right here with you. If you get sad, I’ll hold you and let you cry. If you really miss him, I’ll remind you how much he loves you. I’ll help you remember that you don’t have to be tough and hard and put up a wall. I’ll help you know that feeling soft and tender on the inside about someone and their absence is normal.

I’ll hug you tight, I’ll look you in the face and say it over and over again that you are not left behind. You are not meaningless. You are not less than.

You are absolutely more than enough. You have nothing to prove to me. You can be yourself, emotions, no emotions, loud, silly, sad, excited, bummed out. You can be anything you need to be with me.

I’m here.

[rawnestjoy]

you know what’s stupid?

thinking you’re not enough.

not pretty enough.

not smart enough.

not like-able enough.

not good enough.

but that’s dumb.

bc you are (& I am) enough.

[rawnestjoy]

sometimes Mother’s Day doesn’t feel great.

sometimes I can’t post something because I can’t deal with another year of Mother’s Day drama.

sometimes healing from the hurt takes time.

but I know there’s hope on the other side.

but sometimes - this side just sucks a bit.

yanno?

[rawnestjoy]

Truth bomb.

[rawnestjoy]

today I walked.

walked for a ~completely~ innocent black man, my age, needlessly shot and killed.

his name? ahmaud.

he was on a run.

two white men pretended in their minds that he was doing something he wasn’t or that he wasn’t allowed to be somewhere and killed him.

one was an ex-cop.

the world is sickening.

the racism in this country STEALS LIVES.

im tired and exhausted and deeply saddened by the lack of steps taken to fight against racism.

neutrality helps no one.

today, action looked like a walk.

yesterday, action looked like signing a petition.

what will action look like for tomorrow?

please, hannah.

never stop asking that question.

[rawnestjoy]

what’s hard?

allow me to be raw, unapologetically.

what’s hard is watching your friends be friends without you.

people you’ve loved hard on separately, that are now close friends and who don’t reach out to you.

friends that were in and at your wedding that have now just become memories and bring tears because you miss them so much.

friends that call each other best friends & forget about you.

friends that work in a field you were certain you were cut out for that you dreamed of, that you strived for and poured your everything into. but that alas, you’ll never step foot in.

friends that mentored you, & that you mentored.

friends who are seemingly always “too busy.”

friends that made you feel safe and were in your inner circle of people.

friends who maybe asked you to be in their wedding just as a courtesy but you’re not exactly sure so you always just swallow hard when that knot in your throat comes up just thinking about it.

friends who love jesus and love others but only seem to show love to you if you’re the one checking up on them or in front of their face.

friends who’s family members sometimes do a better job of loving you from afar and making you feel part of something than the friend themself.

sometimes having to watch people’s lives from the outside looking in strikes a chord of pain and dissonance.

seasons bring change to friendships. they are constantly ebbing and flowing. you may not have the same friends from high school. or after college. or when you’re a mom one day.

cherish the people you have in front of you so you don’t miss the delectable and gold-filled moments that pass away all too quickly.

be present so you don’t stay stuck mourning the past or wishing for the future to hurry up and get here.

reach out and love on people if it doesn’t exhaust you. but ultimately, you make time for the people you love. whether that’s your mom, your “best friend” or the person you used to mentor and lead. when they show you they’ve stopped making room and showcasing interest and love in you, don’t go down the rabbit hole of chasing them down.

people make time for the people they love.

of course, time looks different for all of us and how we express our love takes on different forms.

but if they don’t make time for you anymore, don’t let your heart become dark and bitter.

know that there is a time for everything and everything has its season. sometimes you’ll lose people you’ve loved deeply. the connection will fade.

& it won’t always be all at once. more often, it’ll shift bit by bit, til the main communication form is a reaction to an instagram story that gets a dm like.

we make time for the people we love.

who do you love?

show them.

[rawnestjoy]

the bond

it’s one i have always longed for.

i see it in my friends’ lives. i know it isn’t perfect. i know no two people ever really get it “right.”

but my heart aches for it.

i fear at my core that i’ll never feel that closeness, that safety, that connection, that best friendship.

i fear that i’ve lost something great.

that i never quite had the chance to develop the type of relationship i have searched for and come short of.

i want them to see me. to love me just as i am, and not based off of conditioned expectations, or inflated senses of love.

i desire deep, true, unforgettable, no strings attached, chase me down and hold me tight kind of love.

i hope one day, should i be blessed with a tiny daughter - that i will love her fiercely. that i will be invested and involved but grant her the independence she needs to thrive and grow and be her own kind of person.

i hope that amidst all the things i feel i missed out on, and that the dark parts of my soul which cry and mourn over what cannot be regained or undone - that i will ~never~ forget to give all of the little gifts to my baby girl one day.

i hope and pray that i will be the kind of mother that empowers my mini-me to become a strong, kind, courageous, vulnerable, ambitious, inclusive, admirable woman.

my heart hurts. there are moments in my days, my weeks, my years where i feel at a great loss.

and because of that loss i believe the lie that i don’t want children because i won’t be a good mother.

but i still dream. i dream of conceiving her, carrying her, caring for her, calming her, consoling her, cherishing her, cheering her on.

i hope - one day - i will meet the little girl that will forever change my life & make my world spin in a direction i can’t even anticipate.

i long to be her guide. her mentor. her best friend. her number one fan.

i pray for my future darling little girl. i pray that our relationship will transcend both of what either of our imaginations could muster up. i pray for an unbreakable bond. i love her already.

i know in the deepest parts of who i am, that i will get to meet her and love her unconditionally.

one day.

ily bb girl.

[rawnestjoy]

yanno, I’m not extravagant.

I don’t have gorgeous eyes or perfect features.

no long legs or curvy parts to keep things interesting.

I’m not a spectacle to the common eye.

I don’t fit into the mold the world defines as beauty-full.

I’ll never be the prettiest, most popular, coolest, most wanted or chased after person.

I’m not extravagant, yanno?

I’m just me.

and regardless of all of that ^ scribbled up there, I gotta be okay finding out and enjoying who I am.

there’s no need to make myself squeeze into a mold I was never meant to be peeled from anyways.

so, slowly - bit by bit

(not all at once)

I’ll ponder and sigh...

and begin to realize:

that I’m not extravagant.

yanno?

but I’m me.

and me is a pretty precious thing.

- I say to myself

[rawnestjoy]

sometimes, you just need an hour long conversation with the one person in this world who knows and loves your whole heart and being. thank you, homegirl. 

[rawnestjoy]

I guess my mind wanders a lot? ...

would I be better off here, there, with them, in another life?

apparently I annoy people a lot? ...

i have so much to say, but don’t always know if, how, why or when I should say it - that means sometimes I say lots of things I shouldn’t or I don’t speak up

I feel like my voice can’t or doesn’t deserve to be heard

when there’s a lot of noise I get irritated

when people don’t pay attention to me I get irritated

when it seems like other people are interested in things other than me or don’t take me seriously I get irritated

I get irritated at the slightest things sometimes. 

and I don’t even know how to handle that - sometimes I erupt and sometimes I inwardly fume

right now - I don’t want to talk to people. not on facetime, not on the phone, I evade plans or switch them up because I get really, really anxious to hear about how others are doing at this time

maybe it’s because if they ask me how I’m doing, an inner tornado blows everything around in my mind

maybe it’s because I literally can’t figure out all that I’m feeling and by someone asking me, it only exacerbates the problem

like I am so intelligent, but I feel dumb and stupid and not brilliant so often

but I don’t want you to tell me that i’m smart - I want to truly feel it for myself.

I know I’m a catch, I know people like me, but I feel annoying and like a nuisance, and like I can’t make anyone happy. 

but I don’t want them to tell me I’m funny or a great person to be around out of obligation. I really want to feel like I am and want others to feel like and know that I am

sometimes I feel like the people who are meant to love me the most unconditionally don’t accept me for who I am. I feel like I always have to prove myself. like I have to gain their attention. like I’ll never be exactly what they wanted. 

i’m too loud. i’m too boisterous. i’m too much of a dreamer, of an idea-generator... but the kind of dreamer who can’t be realistic. 

I just feel like I’m letting the world around me down

I long for and grieve that I’m not more confident. I hate comparison

I can’t get on instagram or tiktok or snapchat and mindlessly scroll without thinking I’m not beautiful enough, or funny enough, or creative enough or imaginative enough. I just can’t measure up. 

sometimes in my work I feel like I so badly want someone to be glad and proud that they chose me. I know I was chosen and selected to do what I do, but I feel like I can’t be everything everyone wanted or expected me to be. 

I so badly want approval and to excel and to be a good hard worker, a good representative of my faith, and achieve the success I desire. 

but I’m working in a job and a field I never dreamed I would be in. 

I’m not sitting across from someone listening to their problems and helping them by validating them and coming alongside them. I’m not moving toward my dream of being a high level professor in my field and opening my own practice.

I am not where I thought I’d be. I feel like hardly anyone really knows the real me. Like even if they did, they wouldn’t want to know me anymore. I feel like a failure. 

yuck. 

you know who’s talking? shame. 

you know where this spiral came from? shame. 

shame hurts. 

it steals. 

it takes my joy and eradicates it. 

it takes my confidence and my clarity and muddies it. 

shame is the root of all of that nastiness ^ 

this is a shame spiral. and I needed to let it out. 

bye, shame.  

[rawnestjoy]

a threat. perceived danger. unable to see, unable to know, wondering, wondering, wondering. 

flight, fight or freeze kicks in. flight: run upstairs. fight: confront outside. freeze: I can’t move, I can’t think.

calling for help. those moments when I feel so lonely and afraid seem to take hours and days to pass by. an eternity, even.

then, safety, help walks through the door. tells me I’m okay. the danger has passed. safe. 

help #2 walks through the door. relief washes over. I run to the arms of what is supposed to be the safest place. 

why am I rejected? why am I shamed for feeling afraid? why is my fear of perceived danger minimized?

shame creeps in. walls go up. not safe. not safe. not safe. 

ignore it. don’t deal with it. push it down. push it down. push it down.

looks like it’s up to me to remind me of truth. 

you’re right to be afraid. you’re right to fear danger. your response was normal - each part of It: flight, fight, freeze. it’s okay to feel what you felt. 

sometimes, the only person that can take care of us is ourselves. 

wait, that’s not right. 

the truth actually is that the safest place we can be is with the father, because of what jesus did and due to the closeness of the holy spirit. I’m never alone. I don’t have to fight, flight or freeze alone - you are always with me. your rod and staff they comfort me. you anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the lord forever. 

I’m safe. right here. right now. and I was then. I’m surrounded. in the very best way. my heart is held, my emotions are seen, my spirit is filled in You. 

no danger is too big for You. no fear can overtake You. I can lay my cares, concerns and panic before You, because You’ve proven just how much I mean to You. thank you.

i. am. safe. in. You.

[rawnestjoy]

[rawnestjoy]

light.

when it peeks through the tiniest crevice of the dark, it can’t be un-seen.

dark does not and cannot overcome light. 

instead, light shines and pinnacles over darkness.

jesus put to rest the darkness of death - so we could experience hope, life, and courage to see beyond this present darkness.

easter means that we don’t have to despair. 

it means that darkness and death did not win.

it means that jesus saw that the only way to connect us to God the father was by his death on a cross, and his coming back to life three days after. 

he endured the darkness so we could have light and life.

and he willingly took that. he laid down his life, for us. for you. for me.

he knew that the darkness would indeed overcome us if he didn’t craft a reason for light to be able to shine through and come out on top.

he rose from the dead to offer us the hope of experiencing life with Him.

on this day, we celebrate the light poured out for us. 

we have hope because he lives ♥

[rawnestjoy]

I’m sitting here.

There’s green all around.

The sound of rushing water - each little wave racing and chasing after the other.

The cool breeze brushes my cheek and neck.

But there’s warmth inside of me - life, breath, I’m steady.

Beauty is all around. And I so appreciate it.

I’m taking it all in.

[rawnestjoy]

sunday scatterbrain

sometimes it feels so hard to keep up. 

it feels as though I can’t tell if those close to me are being serious or if they’re joking. I feel like I don’t move as quickly past or through those emotions that I can’t quite seem to process in the moment. 

it feels like I find out what I’m feeling 5x slower than those around me. I can’t always pinpoint my feelings and emotions, and those closest to me expect me to be able to know exactly what I’m feeling and to be able to move past it. 

I know it’s just shame. i’m learning a lot about shame lately. shame says “you are bad.” (guilt says “you did something bad”) I fear letting others down. and when I can’t figure out what I’m feeling fast enough to effectively communicate that to people I love, I feel like I’m letting them down. 

I need to search for grace for myself during these times. to let myself feel and process even if it takes a little bit. to let myself be still and quiet. to let there be space in my head as I clear out the clutter of the 90 million things zooming around up there. 

I can be collected. I can figure out what I’m feeling. What I feel and experience is mine, it is real and it is valid. Even if those around me don’t understand or feel confused about my reactions and feelings. 

[rawnestjoy]

My frickin brain.

All this covid stuff has my anxiousness skyrocketing. Am I sick? Will I lose my job? Am I an asset to my company? What if he gets sick, what about my family, what if what if what if.

What if I’m misunderstood and my anxiety presents as being goofy? What if I come across as rude or inconsiderate or agitated? What if I can’t communicate what I’m trying to say, and end up talking in circles? What if my ideas aren’t taken seriously and I feel disregarded? What if I’m so scatterbrained I literally can’t follow my own thoughts and words? What if I always feel this concerned, confused, and cornered?

I feel boxed in. Literally and figuratively. There’s a brick that my chest carries each day and I can’t tell if I’m actually having trouble breathing or if it’s a perceived, lingering feeling of dread

I normally love talking to and listening to people. But FaceTime is exhausting. It feels like so much to do and carry sometimes and sometimes I’m like if i can push it out of my sight or priorities it’s not there right?

My thoughts are all over the place. One moment it feels beautiful and good. And another it feels dismal and stagnant. Others I feel distant and flustered.

I’m f a L L i N g

(asleep)

just a girl trying to process life bit by bit

[rawnestjoy]

?¿

Why do these thoughts swarm in?

They smother my brain like madness and choke out even the slightest inkling of positivity.

These thoughts are a roller coaster - but it’s one that only spirals down & doesn’t have a counterbalance of hills upward & plummeting slopes. It’s just all racing, out of control down. down. down.

Why do I fear the ones I love most don’t love me like I love them?

Why am I so obsessed with needing to be affirmed all the time, or texted back, or not always the one to have to carry the conversation?

Why do I even try so hard? Why in the world do I care so. dang. much.

I try to love people well. They shut me out.

I try to give people space to talk and process. They go to other people instead of me now.

I feel repulsive sometimes. Like somehow, someway, with everyone - I’m walking. on. eggshells.

I can’t ask the right questions anymore so it seems. I am not valuable like I used to be, the thoughts tell me.

Beauty is being skinny, missing meals and not eating your fill to get your “beauty” bones (collar bones) to be more prominent.

Beauty is bones. Not flesh.

Beauty is being everything to everyone and not causing a fuss.

Beauty is keeping your mouth shut and dealing with your emotions inwardly instead of outwardly like you need to.

Being normal means slapping a smile on your face.

Being normal is not talking about the thoughts and just letting them drive you insane and wrestle the truth out of your head and fill you with lies.

Being normal is keeping the peace, not poking the bear, making sure you seem just fine.

Well sometimes I’m not just fine.

Sometimes I see death as my dearest friend.

I covet the dead and wish I didn’t have to deal with the thoughts. Wish the thoughts would leave me alone and I didn’t have to feel stuck or moody or misunderstood.

I think of ways I could end it all - but how I’d cause more pain.

I think of ways and strategize for my dear friend to come hastily.

I think of how I never could make that call - I shouldn’t.

What would that change?

I’d be there and not here.

But here I’m needed.

I don’t feel that way.

Not now. Not always.

But I am.

I am needed.

The thoughts can’t overtake me, actually.

After all, they’re just thoughts. perceptions. musings.

Not reality.

Reality tells me that I’m saved. secure. free.

Reality bluntly reminds me of TRUTH.

& truth sets me FREE.

& freedom reminds me I’m not alone.

I’m not alone with these thoughts.

So often they isolate me.

But they’re just thoughts.

They don’t have power. They can’t give and take away. They can’t heal or make right or bring life.

They are nothingness. They are just THOUGHTS.

I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are not me.

They shape me, they can give form to my outlook at a specific moment in time. But they do not define me. Or my future.

No.

They are oppressing, they are burdensome.

Let them go.

Friend if you’re anything like me - you know.

You know that the thoughts have no arrival or departure time.

But they can’t fuel my life. Or yours.

They are nothingness.

They haven’t authority.

We must capture our thoughts.

Remind ourself of truth.

Look to the Source of authority.

Be emboldened by the Spirit of God.

And recognize that he fights (present tense, fights) for us.

And come to terms with the fact that he WON the war (past tense, won)

And live like we aren’t bound to our thoughts.

Sometimes quiet is violent.

Pray for quiet.

Be quiet.

Be still.

Know.

He.

Is.

God.