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IM ON THE HUNTING EPISODE RAHHHHH!!! will never get over jotaro taunting josuke into taking the bullets LMAO

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rewatching p4 and on the rohan episodes… was abt to be like rohan wasn’t as bad as i remembered him to be and then realized he basically uses + manipulates koichi for personal gain

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ever notice how you can be emotionally mature, self-aware, therapized, journaled-up, and still fall face-first into your own humanity?

like you clock the red flag in real time, you name your inner child’s need, you breathe through the trigger—and then still spiral bc someone took too long to text back or you accidentally caught feelings for a walking trauma response

self-awareness doesn’t save you from feelings. it just lets you watch them unfold like, “ah yes. here comes the emotional devastation. completely understood. totally irrational. unstoppable.”

you can be wise and still messy. evolved and still yearning. a tragic little sea slug of consciousness, floating toward the light and bumping into rocks anyway.

and honestly? that’s kind of beautiful.🪼🫧

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writing is hard when you’re a person with thoughts and emotions and also executive dysfunction and also a deep fear of being perceived

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sometimes writing isn’t about talent. sometimes it’s about sitting in your chair and suffering for 45 minutes until a single sentence crawls out of your skull

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it’s been about two days since i’ve let the content of rising of the shield hero sink in.

immediately after watching, i saw it as a 4 star watch. even after looking at a couple critiques on here, and acknowledging its flaws, i can’t deny how absolutely locked in i was. i binged the whole thing in 8 or so hours, i didn’t sleep until i couldn’t process what i was watching coherently. as someone just getting back into anime, you’d think i’d bail once i saw light coming through the windows. (this bitch is lowkey long my b)

i have a tendency to summarize what i watch to give an invisible audience context instead of actually conveying my thoughts so i’ll try not to do that here.

i remember being uncomfortable the entire time. society was vehemently against naofumi and his role— and it led him to take questionable actions. there were many points where i couldn’t suspend my disbelief, where i couldn’t just chalk things up to “anime logic,” even if it was portrayed as such. and i believe it stems from naofumi buying raphtalia from a slave trader. (and later on filo). it really is the stockholm syndrome and her getting her slave crest redrawn on her. this actually angers me more now than in the moment, but it felt so unnecessary for her to have it redrawn. and then her further rationalization of naofumi saving her and teaching her how to stand up for herself are convoluted. if anything, i just wish they had met under different circumstances. like if he were wandering the slums of the capital (assuming they’re there) and found raphtalia begging or under a haphazardly built shelter.

i think after typing all that, my real problem is the slave trader. i remember seeing it pop up in the subtitles and my heart sinking. and naofumi actually buying two slaves from this guy put a bad taste in my mouth. was putting the crest on filo necessary… it seemed like she already was attached to naofumi, so it felt more controlling for me. oh i just had the thought of that since they’re half animal they “nEeD To bE tAmEd!!” idk what happens in the manga, but compared to his relationship with melty, that’s how it’s coming off to me.

i know naofumi has grown to care for the girls, but at the end of the day, it still rubs me the wrong way!! lol!!

even with all that into consideration, i can’t bring myself to dislike naofumi. bro was obviously wronged in the worst of ways and had to build his success from the ground up while fighting tooth and nail with the other heroes.

god. the other heroes. no pun intended but they royally pissed me off. it felt like that’s what they’re meant to do but their lack of awareness was killing me, quite honestly. naofumi, begrudgingly, had to do damage control for these dumbasses!! 💀 and to the extent that he did it? bro i’d be pissed too, and they were STILL mad at him for seemingly no reason??? even after clearing his name, they act like they’re above him. perhaps because of his role? motoyasu was ignorant and too busy either trying to talk to a girl or being so far up of naofumi’s ass that he couldn’t see the bullshit happening right in front of him. itsuki and ren are birds of a feather. even if recognizing something felt off (and then going to investigate and nearly!!!!! dying!!!!!!!!!), they still mistreat naofumi— accusing him of cheating, patronizing him for not knowing elements of the game that they were probs told early on. gods, im so glad they’re fictional because if anyone tried that shit irl i would hope their shit would’ve been rocked. i saw a post mentioning the other cardinal heroes and it mentioned how shallow they were and yeah!!! they definitely were!!! as naofumi said, they let this hero shit get to their heads. tbf naofumi is the only realistic due to him being outcasted and facing significant trauma. i believe if the rest of them had gone through the same shit, they wouldn’t be so prideful.

anyway.

that was a lot of the stuff i was angry about. i’ve seen some users here say they couldn’t finish the anime, which is valid. but i think being uncomfortable helped me see things through until the end. it was worth seeing naofumi’s humanity come back bit by bit. i quietly rooted for him because his plights are similar to what some people are going through to this day. i stayed because i wanted to see how naofumi would handle being discriminated against for something he could not control, no matter how badly he wanted to. i also wanted to see more of the demi-humans. they remind me a lot of marginalized communities in the modern world.

even with it’s flaws, i’d still give it a 4, might lower to 3.5 in the future if others’ opinions influence me too much LOL. it’s been one of the anime that got me to stop and think about the politics of their world and thought processes of the characters. i’m glad this wasn’t a passive watch

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KEIGO BEING A WEREWOLF??? did not see that coming….

also did not see that betrayal coming 😭😭

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what the hell is this dude’s problem

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When you’re a writer, but you also have a side hobby, and your characters are screaming at you from the other room because you’re not giving them your full attention

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sometimes your brain really just offers you one banger of a sentence and then that's it for the entire rest of the day. creativity expired, the ability to think has clocked out for the day, context for as to how we even get to this sentence? sorry we're all out. this one sentence is all you get.

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i might boot the digital garden concept of this blog. i think for now it will just be shit posts of thoughts to help with me blog

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0 sympathy for them tbh

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i want to be seen, and a way to do that is through making content. there’s nothing wrong with wanting both too.

i like making content bc it shows tangible progress in how i create! i like looking back and cringing slightly. i also like looking at the data.. who all has watched… the like ratio… the feedback… i try not to get wrapped up in it though, bc numbers don’t equate to worth. so yes, at least for now, i do want to make content. i want to be seen

do i want to make content or do i want to be seen?

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this isn’t Quite a digital garden. maybe more of a journal? either way it helps me not scroll on other socials

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how to be kind to yourself by beth (youtube)

1. respect yourself

2. romance yourself

3. stop neglecting your needs

4. acknowledge your anxieties; do things out your comfort zone; “tell your body it’s okay”

5. stop procrastinating things (you’re only punishing yourself)

6. take time away from social media— reinvest in hobbies; “relax”

7. prioritize your sleep

8. address + correct problematic behaviors

* quotation marks are what beth put in the chapter titles

tbh the first couple i didn’t pay much attention to. i tend to watch a lot of videos similar to this one, but i keep watching to see if anything new is said. i think i took the time to take notes for this video was the context she added with each point. it’s normal, to add context— to support your point(s). maybe it was her accent, or just the softness in which she spoke (tbf it was night time) but something made me stay and actually listen to the video. honestly, i don’t remember much of the context in this moment, im hungover and my brain is fuzzy, but i remember being able to relate to what she was saying.

a lot, well.. all, of the points are things i already know i need to do. will have to think some more on why exactly her video spoke to me

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ikoxun continues to remind me why i love her so much LOL

it’s times like these, in her new vid for ex, where a lot of the topics mentioned in her videos are relevant to my life in the moment i watch her videos.

this vid is a reminder that i really want to be friends with her LOLLL it’s even more… impactful (for lack of better words) that she’s an alt black person 🥺 i don’t identify as a woman necessarily but i was socialized as one

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i need this somewhere

she processes her queerness, and her identity, through eduard