raygothops - Tumblr blog

[raygothops]

The end of an era, or so it feels. I'm not sure what's happened or what's happening, what changed, why I feel the way I do, but something is different in my head. I don't feel like things are clicking the way they normally do. Nothing has grossly changed, but some little things are different. I feel like football doesn't hit the same way internally as before, like it's more distant. It feels like medicine has taken some of that real estate. It's interesting because love is basically boundless for me, and I thought my anchoring energy worked similarly where I could develop new anchors while maintaining the same significance.

That's the thing though, significances feel like they changed. Now, people are super significant. I'm wondering if people have maybe replaced or displaced football. Maybe my anchors are zero-sum. Is that good or bad? Who knows. I almost flipped the switch playing today and then I just didn't. Maybe subconsciously knowing the situation, I saved it. I don't know. It was weird though. I had the emotions but I processed them and they went away more than they stayed. Maybe I have better emotional processing... Or less emotions, at least related to football.

Because I still haven't released my other emotions from earlier in February. Basically I'm somewhere over 100% of my emotional capacity with an artificially inflated emotional threshold because I still need to cry, just haven't done it yet. That need to cry has been more come and go than expected, but we'll see how this next week goes.

I would like to say weekend but I'm not sure what type of weekend it will be, though I know there's one type it won't be. It won't be a culmination of friendship, it'll be a bitter reminder of how to pay more attention to communication.

I had the greatest presence of anyone I've ever met, and all signs and indications say I blew it. I said too much and that was that. Did I deserve it? I don't know what I deserve. Is it on-brand for my life? Yes, though I think this is the first time I've blown it given my breakup was mutual.

I told her I didn't deserve her, and I guess I was right. I wanted to be a great friend, I just wanted to be a positive. I had a very simple job, and I didn't do it. I guess not doing my job today is a nice summary of not doing my job in this situation. I started well and finished horribly. And now I don't know. I don't know what the emotions are towards me in either situation, but I know I failed. The pain of failing Sam hasn't really hit yet, I don't know when it will, maybe once I know she's gone. The sadness hit me already, but that's all muddied by the feelings of failure.

I feel like I've failed so much recently, and it's crazy because my school progress makes it appear that everything is moving forward well but the truth is, I haven't been doing things well. It's similar to the feelings at the end of 2023, except I had gotten so many gaps addressed to start the year that it felt like I could ride high into my new phase of life. Instead, I'm just walking, walking with the weight of my failure. At least I've been able to hold my head up this week. But I stopped riding high 2 weeks ago. I got checked and I was humbled. I don't really know if I can even apologize properly for what happened, or if it even matters. I guess it's just another part of my heart permanently reserved for someone who may never update that reservation again. Unfortunately, this is the first time but it would be great if it was the last, because losing people on my heart is painful. It's not a quick pain, it's a slow burn that is really hard to put out because you give them so much time as a cushion. I guess one day, she could write back, but I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't. It's her right and I'm just a guy she met less than 7 weeks ago.

That was a lot and I could do more self-criticism but I think the point is clear. The thing that could be replacing/displacing football is about to change my life. 2 weeks of waiting isn't anxiety-inducing to me, but it does feel like a waste of 2 weeks. At least SOAP could be next week but I digress. The next time I'm taking care of kids, I'll be their actual doctor I guess. The idea of doctor, or any position for me, has never been daunting really. I know what I'm there to do and I'll do it to the best of my ability. I got to schedule for a non-Sabbath graduation both for Dad and for me. I just like clean Sabbaths tbh. Will not walking with people suck? A bit. Is it worth the awkwardness? Not really to me. I know my brain and Dad won't be there on a Saturday afternoon. People will show up though, I assume. I do have to be careful with assuming though, that can get you into trouble.

With Sam at least, it wasn't anything like assumptions really. It was just faith in her. Faith that she would just accept my heart offered raw. It was too much though.

Back to graduation. Idk how I'm inviting people but I just hope that special people can be there. Part of me wonders how big that list will get, cause my heart only grows with that list it seems. I just want to get on to the next part of life though. I've been here just kinda passing time and I want to change lives now.

Romantically, idk man. I can be liked hypothetically. Will some girl actually like me? Feels like a hard sell. Idk, I feel like with relationships, people tell more dreams than reality. Maybe there's someone but it feels more like kind words than something to really believe.

My eyes are tired so I'm stop, but who knows? There could be part 2

[raygothops]

The Truth

I'd be lying if I said I'm doing great. I'd be lying if I said my life is satisfying right now. I'd be lying if I said I feel impactful. I'd be lying if I said I'm proud of the last two years of my life. I'd be lying if I said I haven't considered going MIA in MIA, but unlike Jon Keith, I don't have somebody to hold it down. I'd be lying if I said that I'm hopeful for my romantic future. I'd be lying to say that I completely believe the life I want to have is going to happen. I'd be lying if I implied that I believe I can 100% work around my autistic traits. I'd be lying to suggest that I'm content with how successful I've been in personal endeavors. I'd be lying to say that I feel as connected as my text messages and DMs would suggest. I'd be lying to say that I think I merit the love and attention I get. I'd be lying to say that I feel like I've done a lot. I'd be lying to say I feel I deserve the people in my life. I'd be lying if I said I feel like I'm above average anywhere that isn't a football field. I'd be lying to say that lying on my bed puts my doubts to bed. I'd be saying to say that I don't enjoy my dreams more than my reality. I'd be lying to say that I have been carrying around an immense sense of loneliness that simply grows by the day. And yet, I'd be lying to say that the majority of my social deficiencies aren't self-inflicted.

The truth is I'm angry at the world about Ukraine. The truth is I'm angry at America for putting profits over people, and ideas over reality. The truth is I feel like we've missed the point in what really matters in this world. The truth is I don't really know if I'll ever have the friendships I want with the people that I want. The truth is my heart is more broken that it's ever been. The truth is my failures have always hit harder than my successes, and it's much easier to remember my bad moments than my good ones. The truth is I'm hurt that I may not see a lot of my Ukrainian students ever again. The truth is I'm not convinced there's "the one" for me. The truth is I feel like my life is stuck in neutral. The truth is I know I will be supported through a change in my career target, and I still feel like I'm disappointing for changing my goal anyway. The truth is I don't feel influential. The truth is I don't feel like I'll ever truly belong. The truth is I don't have my own sense of self, which means believing in myself is complicated. The truth is I feel like I get in my own way a lot. The truth is I feel expendable most of the time. The truth is I feel like I could disappear and not much would change. The truth is I only know how to live in the present, and I don't put faith in the future because it's unknown. The truth is few moments of any given day truly matter to me, because very little strongly affects me. The truth is the people I want to be closest to often feel the farthest away.

The truth is there's more truth. The truth is I'm not giving up. The truth is I will always favor the right decision, regardless of whatever I may want. The truth is I'm crawling forward, but I'm not stopping. The truth is pain and disappointment cannot and will not hold me back. The truth is I will give my best as much as I can every day, regardless of the immediate results of my actions. The truth is I don't care about how successful I am in my lifetime, because I know success can outlive me. The truth is that I survive on the love and care of those around me. The truth is I live the best I can in spite of my situations. The truth is I will continue to grow in honor of the potential that is inside of me. The truth is that this story is still being written and I will keep adding to it until the pen gets taken away or runs out of ink.

[raygothops]

10/29/22

I am probably 3 weeks late on doing this. It's been a while and a lot of stuff has built up in my mind and heart. There's a lot of things that I'm doing right, and a lot more that I could be much better at, and still so much more that I want. I feel like there's so much open in front of me and I want to address all of it honestly. That's how I'm wired so that's not a surprise but the real thing is that I've reached capacity. There's only so much I can do in a given day and it's frustrating that my life doesn't have the temporal space for the multitasking I like to do. I would love to be making videos, music, and finishing my book on the side of doing med school and learning bass but that's just not realistic. Maybe this decompressed schedule will allow more multitasking but I'm also a year behind so to speak so I can't just blow off that time. I'm not even into that phase yet so I have to be more present than that. I feel present for school and somehow I feel like I've been the worst friend the last couple of weeks. It's not even that I don't care about my friends. I'm not sure if I'm overstimulated, but that's never been a thing for me. I have been struggling to eat breakfast the last couple days, which was what happened when the Ukraine situation first started. Honestly, that probably is what it is because I've had this insatiable desire to talk to my people all week that I think needs to be addressed. It didn't even hit the same way viscerally this time but my heart is with them and I'm desperate to help people because people just need help. I don't know how people are just so self-concerned with the amount of brokenness and suffering around. I know it's easier to be inactive and ignorant but how does your heart not feel the pain of the homeless, the depressed, the broken people in our lives? It's like my heart has been radicalized to service, which is quite something given where it already stood in terms of service. It probably is related to my foundational trait of striving. Fortunately, I have positive goals in life because that drive in me is insatiable at the end of the day. The benefit is that it keeps me honest about my situations because I ideally know that I could always be better in one way or another. But it also just won't go away. So here I am: wanting more for people and having next to no capacity to actually create that "more" for them. It's frustrating and somewhat disappointing for myself. I just wish I could make changes, make impact, leave that mark. It feels like I'm doing almost nothing right now. I know I am though but that's the tough part of human experience: reality for any individual is really just whatever their perspective is.

I don't even know where to go with this next part but this is a stream of consciousness post anyway, organization is literally the last thing on the list of what matters lol. Not sure I've ever put an lol in one of these before but I'm in a weird place tonight. It's not a Wash U night in the emotional sense, more in the sentimental sense. It's a Friday night and I just wish I had someone. Relationship interest is drowning me right now. People swear people are interested but there's no one I know of. The boys say it's by choice and I'm like I've never told a girl I didn't have an interest in a relationship. There's just a lot I feel I have to sort through in terms of relationships, and I feel like I'm more a nice friend to most girls than an interest. It truly is weird that girls will not necessarily like guys that may have what they're looking for. I'm just trying to love someone honestly. It's truly beginning to feel like a hole in life and I'm not sure what to do given myself and my schedule. I obviously am looking for potential partners but so much comes up when I try. I would love to have a family but nothing is guaranteed, especially nothing like that. I don't even have anyone that's really drawing interest at this point. There's only Morgan but she had the guy she's talking to/dating. She cleans up amazingly though. I just would like more time with her I guess, especially with everyone at church watching harder than the feds. Beyond her, I have an empty hand honestly. Kayla is in her own category officially like Laura but she seems more closely bonded. I highly doubt it will come from school but hopefully good grounding relationships come from school. Still not sure that I've found those people yet but I have to give it time, that's only fair. I feel the emptiness without Jess and Jaz, the silence is deafening. I wish I never had to let Jess go after that last hug, I could've held her there. I live realistically though, and she needed sleep before her life changed that following day. I need to see Bella honestly. There's a lot of people I feel that I need to see. I'm not sure what is happening in this full circle phase but so many people are coming back and my heart seems to not have forgotten any of them. It's hard to believe but that's the power of my mind I guess.

My mind. It's getting better, more than I realized. I thought maybe minor things could change with the spectrum diagnosis but I guess having it running as a background process allows my mental machine to use machine learning to make me better with my autistic struggles. It's crazy how my brain will just hammer things out without letting me know. I just am becoming more responsive and responsible with things that were long-term struggles. I guess that's why you never say never. I just want to get back in my complete flow though: mental and physical, where I can just do what I want. That's difficult in the situation I'm currently in but I'm trying anyway cause that's how I'm built. I just want to get back to testing effortlessly and then figure out the rest. Maybe it's a humility thing (surprise if that's what it is, I'm not the most humble but also not the most prideful). I just need to maintain whatever my superpower is and continue to live in my lane.

I really guess I'm looking to do pediatrics in place of neurosurgery huh. It's not even disappointment, I'm just not sure what I will be. I want to be great and in my right place though. I guess doing it for the kids will be more that just a summer camp experience. That's a long way down the road though.

I need a hug. I could use a peck on the cheek. A cuddle, a road trip, a smiling friend, a baby to hold, just something. I've been lacking, I'm trying to do my best but I'm just lacking and it sucks. I guess this is the end. The eyes are heavy and I think I've said a lot. Oh but Liliana. I hope she's doing great in Europe. I miss that girl in a crazy way I can't even believe exists for her specifically. It's not even about deserving, it's just so unexpected, but I love her a lot. She's special. Ashlete also but she's my adorable little sister. Am I better? We'll see

[raygothops]

12/17/21

Here we go again (I think the song is animals by neon trees - autistic brains are truly special).

Ah the first post since being officially diagnosed with autism, but not my first autistic post cause I've been on the spectrum the entire time lol Anna says I can come off of it possibly in the future and says she has extensive experience with neurodivergent kids, which I believe, but someone's autism just deactivating just seems so wild to me.

So I guess I need to do this stuff to get it off my chest but dang the fatigue feels different these days than at Wash U. The principle that I had then, that I don't want to waver on now though, is that I never slept on negative emotions. Scratch that, I have broken that rule, and maybe that's been damaging me. I only have one post since the pandemic started even though the pandemic has been the MOST challenging phase of my life by far. That's probably a failure on my part. I did go public with my struggles partially on purpose, and partially cause I forgot about this place. This is the only type of journal I'll ever have. I don't write every day, so why not use my least-visited platform as a virtual journal anyway? Only like 5 people ever will see this anyway.

It is interesting that none of my people on here have ever reached out directly about a post, but my prior are very understanding here, they're probably just allowing the virtual space to yell (even though this is to be read in my normal voice). I guess a safe space lets you release anything and that's what I do here.

I'm not mentally pressed as in my other marathon post but I'm gonna write anyway and get things out my mind. I guess I've already been practicing that with this whole social network rebuild. I hate it, but I can't confidently say it isn't helping. I'm not scared to admit it is working, but with this pandemic, is hard to interpret and weigh almost any social interaction and relationship. Or maybe that's my struggle on the spectrum.

I consider myself on the spectrum just because of how relatively mild my symptoms are but hey, regardless I got what I got. Dang I'm tired but I'll ride till I can't no more (y'all know that reference).

Girls. Kayla is still the angel across the country, and it's hard to think anyone wants to be in a romantic relationship with me, and my unusual body language doesn't help. I don't know what to make of Lexi, some days she's ready to pivot and others, she's just... Lexi. There's no one that I can picture in Miami except maybe Ranique but she almost definitely doesn't want that. Jay is interesting. She's friendly and her parents know, but she spent maybe 8 minutes cuddled with my arm at dinner with her parents two chairs away 😅 her friend who I had apparently met before, is pretty and also in Miami, but I don't know how old and not any real chemistry either. Not that I feel I deserve anyone with my on and off porn desires. Maybe if I chose Tumblr over Twitter more often, I might be doing a lot better. But that has been changing genuinely and I think God sees my heart. I'm not trying to do or support that, and I need to have a hard line with that stuff again. It's just not it. Oh there was Alexia but I'm quite sure my hug messed that up. Definitely need an Adventist girl but God is on that... I hope. It's not guaranteed by it would be tough if God had me doing this thing in the path of Mom. I need more companionship. Emphasis on need.

School is eh: these shelves are whatever, I'm over the test hype. I just want success so I can progress to changing the world and the lives of those around me. We all have phones anyway, I'm just gonna cut it there.

God, I gotta be better. It's that's simple, give me the ability to do that.

God what is 2022 gonna be? Who and what will you have for me? I hope this trip pretty much starts the year right. But it's looking to shape up like my other trips. I sincerely hope not. I want to see and hold my girls. Hugging almost feels like an understatement, I want to hold them for minutes at a time.

Love. Yeah love is just getting inside of me like weeds and the people in each phase of my life get better love than the people before, it's crazy. And the love I have for people is spiking, like the way I love Jaz and Jess is literally beyond words. I love them flatly, not even worth taking time to find adverbs, it's all of them. Val, if I see this girl, I will literally try to absorb her in my hug. I hope I get to see Ira again although I wonder if the hugs will be the same. The last time I hugged like that was drunk Alison and man I dodged that bullet. Anna is most of the reason for this trip at this point so I'm sincerely praying God gives me the chance. My heart longs to see her.

Knowing I'm on the spectrum has made a lot of things connect and changed nothing really. I just know the why now but it still seems to matter less that the what. What I do always draws attention, but my why is irrelevant most times I feel. I may have to really go from the ground up to know if I'm ever play again.

I want to be better for God and others. I want someone special. I want consistent hugs, I want to stop being my enemy. I want a good Sabbath, I want a family in the future, I want freedom for my family and Justice in the world (as much as possible).

Another quiet night in my thoughts. I think my others were better than this but I'm done. I need sleep.

[raygothops]

Well I haven't written one of these in a while, do that tells you how my night is going. I'm better than an hour ago, but I'm broken inside. The pain is so mixed with other emotions I couldn't give a single adjective if I tried. I'm tired, sad, hurt, embarrassed, disappointed, frustrated. I want to be angry but it would just be at myself and I've blocked that from happening because that is when I really am my own worst enemy.

I am not who I thought I was and I'm not even who I thought I might be. Clearly not where I want to be, but further than I guess I should be. I'm just me, beloved by many, but loved by few. I know I'll keep going, cause my spirit never stops. I don't want to keep going though. I want to stop and look back and see what happened. I know what happened though, so it's pointless. That's just setting myself up to be my own critic. I fortunately have broken many bad habits, but it's hard to feel any good when you let the most meaningful person down cause of your own shortcomings.

Yes, the new her. I'll save the poetic description and say Jo is right. I don't know what I need in a partner, but she definitely has a lot of it. I don't know if I don't think I'm good enough or just haven't done what's necessary. I love her, I just don't know how. I just want her to be there with me, cause I have enough people there for me. I wish I had more people with me, but maybe it's hard to be there with someone on the spectrum.

I always wanted to be different, but I've found the limit of my difference. I'm now struggling like others in my position. Yeah I can break these things, when I have the energy. I don't have the energy, the last 10 hours took them from me. I just want to simulate to the next happy time, whenever that is. Probably football or something.

I know who I am but I'm bothered more by who I'm not. Why don't I do those things that help me be different? Man I'm scared of the perfection I used to chase. Yeah we're flawed, but there are almost no decisions that I don't think about. Everything gets quality checked in my head, no matter how fast or slow. I can do better, I'm getting better, but I don't think that even matters right now

I need people and I need them now. I would love Kayla but I just have to find a substitute for that kind of connection for now I guess. I know I'm being blessed and I don't deserve what I get but I have to keep going for those who need it, I guess that includes me. I hope this worked. I need to say something but I don't know what.

[raygothops]

11/18/18

Those who know me know I know a lot of people, and those who know me well know why: I love people. I love meeting people, getting to know them and interacting with them when I see them again. My social network is limited only by my humanity and responsibilities. If I could work a well paying career just meeting people, neurosurgery would honestly be out the window.

Those who know me even better know that my massive network crosses many boundaries and lines: if I don't know you, I probably know one of your friends. Take an extrovert, throw in good memory, a big high school, and 2 different colleges and you too will have 2400+ Facebook friends.

Those who know me best know this: I am the master of my social network, and despite your cliche saying, I am an island. Not unapproachable, but I am not tied anywhere to any one group or people. This flexibility is great but also means I have a different level of connection to most people. I have a lot of nuance in my connections. Most people have about 4 levels: I love you, I like you, we cool, don't care. Every connection is its own in my network.

Okay Ray so what?

I feel like I haven't made the impact that my well-known friendliness should after so much time here. As in, if I didn't initiate communication for any interaction for a whole day, my number of greetings and conversations probably drops by at least half, maybe more. Now I know I'm not everyone's best friend and I know not everyone is me, but it just seems like the numbers don't add up. Maybe I'm an improper fraction trying to add myself to others to make myself whole while only multiplying my friend list and dividing my energies into smaller fragments. Maybe the root of my problem is a square focus on an inequality: many acquaintances don't equal a good friend. But I know that. So what's my actual problem? I don't know but I can tell you all how I feel: I feel overlooked, honestly I feel like part of the Andrews scenery, like in some ways, I'm not even a person anymore. I'm just always at the gazebo, at basketball games, working, in church, doing stuff and I feel like to friends and acquaintances old and new, I'm just not interesting anymore. Maybe that's the case, I don't know. All I know is that I'm starting to feel less like a person, and more like a thing that people see here at Andrews. I'm cool over there doing my thing, you say hi and introduce yourself if I don't first, and we proceed to exchange hi's and byes. Like I said though, I'm not everyone's best friend. Maybe I'm just overthinking, overanalyzing, but something in me feels off. It really does feel like I'm only valuable for being a public figure, not necessarily for my true self. Hopefully, this makes sense, if not, I'm sorry.

[raygothops]

Summer

I feel like I have nowhere to go but here right now. God, consider this a prayer in writing. Or a conversation. I ask for too much, I should just talk to you more often. I don't really know what to say or do. I don't know what my next step should be. Who should I reach out to for this hug that I've really been needing for about a month now? Who can I tell about my self convictions, my concerns, my consent worries, my pressures? What should I do this coming year? Who should I be? How can I make an impact? How can I best prepare for the rest of my life? Did I really make a mistake in my relationship? Do I really suck at listening to you? I don't know if I played myself going into this year. Did I need to be an RA? Can I please get a second chance at Kulaqua? I just want to be my best self and better the lives of those around me. Is this book really something special or just a footnote in my life? What is my life God? Am I this high potential person that will be actualized or am I a bust waiting to happen? Am I following what you want for me? Will things ever truly stabilize for Mom and I?

Instead of asking things, I'm asking questions lol. I guess it makes sense, I am interested in the 5 Ws of life as well as how. I should maybe just speak my mind now. Joanna has made me feel like I simultaneously want and don't want her and I have no idea how to reconcile that. Maybe she really should just be off my romantic radar for now because I don't see us reconciling in any mature way for a significant amount of time. Is that it? Lani is now my little sister and so is Ale, both beautiful girls that I have a different sort of inclination towards. Maybe there's just the year to wait for, Gabi is cute, but so are many other girls. I guess we'll be good friends, I like her vibe. I just need to approach more people, say more, think less, and just be. I guess my social network was already massive and growing, I might as well take better ownership of what happens to it. I don't know what is with Sara, and girls that look like her. I just love intense looks out mysterious looks. I hope we can be good friends and I really hope I get to find out what her background and stuff is. I hope to find someone like Zeke described, it just sounds right. I hope it is right, and I hope I can get off of this promise to try it out. I know I have power, I'm trying to use it, but while knowing I have a bunch of power, I concurrently feel that I didn't have as much as I'd like to have. I'm sure I have what I need, but I want more. I am human, and I did fault myself even, but I believe I could handle more power. I want it for others, God you know this. I do have my self-concerned moments but when it comes to people that don't have it good, I wanna fix things for them.

Faith. Mine is not good. I'm not able to move a speck of dirt, let alone a mountain. I believe, but I need to act more. I even do what I should do more than average (comparison shouldn't even matter) but I need to push myself more. I am pushing more. You have given me this motivation that must've been in my younger self where I don't want to stop until I'm done. You have also supremely improved my initiative. I want to be a monster, to life and to the devil. I want to be special and I'm tired of running from it or trying to downplay it. I love being different and I want to say myself apart more and more. Let me different. Please keep me healthy too as I try to grow myself. Let this fire never die. I want to reach the heights I was aiming for as a kid.

Friends. Let me love better. I really need to love strangers better. Let me regain my love for eye contact. I want to see people again and in the Divine light. I think the relationship might've dampened that. Cleanse my heart of any perversions and damages and misguidance and please bring me back to where I should be. I want to go to Nikki's tomorrow with someone. I hope that can happen. Help me to be better with those who aren't my special people, though I'm not sure how good things can be if they're not in that special group. Let me be the extrovert I know that I am, I am unleashing but I need my voice (and the r's would be nice - to be fair, I didn't promise I wouldn't ask for anything). My grasp of our situation back home is that this summer won't be smooth. Just work things out in a way I can follow. You're already on that though so that's not too necessary to say I guess.

Abigail is beautiful, Jedel is a sweetheart and Bianca has a draw that I can't really deny. Jedel has blue eyes. I really need to get an answer to that, and where she's from too cause I really don't know how to trace any of her names. Bianca makes me a little nervous in a sense, where I'm sure she's just nice, but I kinda want to just say her hair looks nice or something. She's almost that business type that normally deters me but she's not, she's different, or she at least seems so. I believe so, she just seems different, which I kinda like. She's good. Sara was surprised by my hypothetical trip to Texas. I'm breaking every personal rule in writing this and somehow it seems right. Why can't I look away from her? I can't help but just look into her. There's something there that I don't need a relationship for, but I think would be really great to have. Jeongyeong is a sweetheart and I really love the Korean squad after this class. Ellen, I think she either likes me or thinks I don't like her. She's interesting and her last name sounds like Corvette.

Paragraph 5. You know this is typed for me to have gone this long. School will be school. I'll leave the girls alone. Except for Laura, why can't I just have her everywhere? Language but my gosh that girl is adorable. I'm still not sure what my obsession is with little sisters. I just know a daughter of mine would be well taken care of. Sports. I just wanna dunk. Maybe 5 minute mile as an ultimate goal. I wonder what my peak athletic potential is. We'll keep working towards that after tonight. I am a mix of my experience, which is so cool. I just wish there weren't so many people to move on from in my life. God, will I ever get Sutton back? Those are 5 seconds of my life I want to build on. It was too good to be true. Will I need a Sofia connection to find the one? I guess it's hard for a 21 year old college senior to avoid girls lol. But those last two are both purely friendship material. Beautiful yes but pure hearts are why I love them.

So we have been talking for about 45 minutes now. This must've been the right idea cause now my mind is a lot less cluttered. Let Kendall not die please. God, please let Cali figure out something to not be a perceived burden to others. And help her and everyone honestly. I'm broke, I could cry, I want a hug. Maybe this fiber one bar was a bad idea, but I knew what I was doing. I pretty much always do, I just rationalize too much. Sometimes, I just take Ls. Am I really supposed to be a neurosurgeon, cause social justice seems like it will be me real soon. No idea how to call this whole LGBT topic. I think I see the light but I lost my glasses so there's that 😒 thank you for dream music. I hope to get decent at the bass. It just strikes a chord in me. I'm not really trying right now, I just got two back to back setups too good to pass on like the Seahawks. With that, I don't know. Bianca? Sweetheart, significant obviously. Ah they're both Bianca, on top of reef Bianca. Didn't I like a girl in New York named Bianca? Might be the name. Life is weird. But no one is normal, only aspects of us are typical, but even the most typical person would be weird in being so typical. That might make a nice tweet. My mind is still clearing up. What else?

I want to finish this sequel and these watchlists area so hard to get through. I think I can though. Just gotta use the time right. Maybe I'll ask Bianca for the hug. I think she's no strings attached so it should be cool. Even so, she seems understanding where she would understand. Or maybe Alma if we can hang out. I can't hug Cali and it's awkward, as much of a tomboy as she is. Something is off between us in a way. I guess it might be my senses. I need to go to sleep soon. I guess I can't let anyone know about this though only God and I know everyone mentioned. Here's to a better me and better tomorrow. I'm done with making this thing difficult. I want to be home and see what is to be seen. I want to finish this thing so I can read old posts. I guess I am a writer. Makes sense giving what my book ended up being. I need to get rid of um and like. I need more God. I need the simple life. I need close friends. I need to go to sleep. Thank you Tumblr, I appreciate you.

[raygothops]

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[raygothops]

Tati

Yes, that's her name, the name of the girl who looked at me and through me the first time we met, the girl whose voice is the most intriguing thing I've ever heard, the girl who smiles at me and makes me smile back automatically. She's the first girl I've ever truly considered going after, and frankly she seems too good to be true. I have never felt more completely drawn to someone in my life. I can't help but look at her, even though I try not to cause I don't want to stare. Funny enough, if I did stare, it would just be returning the favor of our first interaction. Things haven't been ideal, this hasn't been a Hollywood movie at all. A concussion plus childlike nervousness has definitely prevented some interactions from happening. But those are in the past now. The more I look at this girl, the more I see to like about her. Tonight, she smiled at me and God knows it was probably the most beautiful thing I've seen today. I wish I had told her how nice she looked or how wonderful her smile is. But it's hard to use words to follow up such a smile. She's not a supermodel, or the most talented girl in the school, or anything like that, she's just herself and it's beautiful. I just want to love her and be with her and see her happy.

[raygothops]

A new era

Teenagehood is over. At 3:17 AM, I will have been on earth for 20 years. For 2 decades, I have altered the course of events on this earth, for better and for worse. I only realized this in high school, that I was altering lives and actually effecting change in this world, when at 13, I stood in front of a lady I had no memory of as she cried at the sight of my growth. I then realized I had influence, that I meant something to people. I then began to search out the scope of this influence, I began to wonder how strong of an effect I had on life on this earth. I don't know when I stopped looking, but as I type this, it is clear such an endeavor would've been endless. So instead, I have begun to try to use my influence more effectively and for better purposes. I have no idea how that has gone. All I know is that God has blessed me with a gift of favor, where people like me no matter how we'll they know me. I'd lie in saying that I don't like making people smile, but I do it for them,not for myself. I just try to love people. People say they see something in me, I see a growing kid when I look in the mirror. Last week, that kid grew up a lot. A lot of indirect frustration two Thursdays ago turned me into a hugging,bolder, and more loving person this past week. Whoever it is that walks out with a football and headphones into the world every day, they have been doing something special for 20 years. I'm ready to take that to a new level moving forward.

[raygothops]

New place, New feelings

This time, it's different. I have feelings that I can really act on and a girl that I can really pursue. She's different because she makes me feel different. She makes me feel comfortable, she makes me feel good about myself. She looks through my eyes into my mind and I don't know what she's looking for or if she's found it, but every time we look at each other, she's looking into me. On the other hand, I can only look AT her, in her entirety. From her curly black hair to her just right smile, she is someone I am happy to just look at. Although her whole head is a delicate balance of beauty, her voice is the most notable thing about her. Her unique combination of various Caribbean and Latin sounds makes listening to her something like hearing a living art piece. The first time she spoke to me, I had no idea how to process her sound, but I love it. She's quiet but confident, reserved but friendly, she's great to talk to and the more I think about her, the more she grows on me. I asked her to lunch and she said yes. As we sat there, me trying to eat my food before my next class, I had a conversation like I had never had before. I didn't even worry about quiet moments, we would just sit quietly looking at each other until the next good question was asked. She would look at me, I'd look at her. She seemed happy, almost smiling but not quite. I couldn't make much expression while I ate. But I don't think she cared. I talked with food in my mouth. She understood. I said thank you for coming. She said thanks for asking. Is this the beginning of something? I don't know, but this is the first time in years I've felt like this about a girl.

[raygothops]

Crossroads

Another night, more sadness, less sleep. I just don't know what to make of what people say anymore. I actually don't know what to do in the romantic realm of my life I these last few weeks here. Regarding the former, it's just confusing to be a kid who apparently everyone likes but most people don't really care to make time for. So does that mean I'm cool enough to be someone you know but not cool enough to be your friend? Like you don't have to boost my ego with words, just tell me how it is and say you don't really want to be friends. Don't say yeah, we can have dinner and then blow off the idea and then a couple weeks later, say hi like we both don't know what was supposed to be arranged between us. And don't say, if you ever need anything I'm here, but then reply to my messages hours later or the morning after with just I'm sorry. And you can't tell me I actually mean that much to you when you literally never text back, cause a smiley face doesn't really take that long to send, and I'm just gonna go out on a limb and guess that it's likely not the case that you don't text/call anyone. Don't say what you can't back up cause I take words seriously and I don't have time to play semantics with people. If you're not going to be there as a close friend, just say it and let me know to look elsewhere in important situations. As far as romance, I don't know what to make of the girls here. They can quickly reach the acquaintance stage and then it's just all gray suddenly. I can't check out though cause that has bad consequences. If I could just get things off my chest, things would be a little nicer..... God help me

[raygothops]

First Family in Cuba! This picture is full of slay. Sasha and Malia Obama have grown into such lovely young ladies!!

[raygothops]

A dark time

It's rough right now. Can't focus in or out of class. Not really motivated to get anything done, really just surviving and living on autopilot. Just making it from day to day. I've talked to many, but no one seems to know what to say. I don't really need words, I need actions. I need hugs, shoulders to lean on, laughs to share, conversations to have, happiness and love to experience. And it's hard to get that. But there's a bright spot. This Italian Indian Jewish mix of love and sincerity who could be more attractive but couldn't be anymore beautiful in her special way, she gives me something to look forward. We haven't talked much, we know a little about each other, but she means so much right now. She got flattered by a date proposal and she blushes when someone is interested in her, but I couldn't help but want to do that, if not just once, to make her smile and feel as beautiful as her celebrity namesake. It's a stretch but I don't have much to lose, I'm pretty much on my way out anyway.

[raygothops]

Changes

Something has to change, whether it's my perspective or situation, something must change. I'm tired of underachieving because I can't focus on work and I'm tired of socially regressing after making so much progress over a number of years. I was on the verge of happiness and I'm getting further from it almost daily it feels. So, because the kid in me has emerged, I have to partially shut him up. I'm practically ignoring romance just to survive this semester because I can't handle the frustration of struggling socially and romantically. One is enough and since I can't not talk to people, letting that go is next best. I am shutting down these thoughts just to make it to a place where I can revive them. I'm looking for no one but God for now. Apparently someone is interested which I still don't believe but they'll have to come to me. I can't make this time of my life any harder than it must be. It hurts, but it hurts less than what is feel otherwise. Doesn't put me any closer to my goal of waking up happy but you know what they say, sometimes you gotta step back to leap forward

[raygothops]

23 Emotions people feel, but can’t explain

Sonder: The realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own.

Opia: The ambiguous intensity of Looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.

Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.

Énouement: The bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.

Vellichor: The strange wistfulness of used bookshops.

Rubatosis: The unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.

Kenopsia: The eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet.

Mauerbauertraurigkeit: The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.

Jouska: A hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.

Chrysalism: The amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm.

Vemödalen: The frustration of photographic something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist.

Anecdoche: A conversation in which everyone is talking, but nobody is listening

Ellipsism: A sadness that you’ll never be able to know how history will turn out.

Kuebiko: A state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence.

Lachesism: The desire to be struck by disaster – to survive a plane crash, or to lose everything in a fire.

Exulansis: The tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it.

Adronitis: Frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone.

Rückkehrunruhe: The feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness.

Nodus Tollens: The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.

Onism: The frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time.

Liberosis: The desire to care less about things.

Altschmerz: Weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had – the same boring flaws and anxieties that you’ve been gnawing on for years.

Occhiolism: The awareness of the smallness of your perspective.

[raygothops]

“ummmmm ur bra strap is showing :/ ”