raynewritingdownthoughts

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

mon feb. 5th, 2024

it’s hard. but it seems like the right decision. i was so worried i wouldn’t finish this LOI deadline and i did. tomorrow i will go to therapy and then maybe see morgan and then go to work for the staff meeting. even if i don’t really want to be here that much i can do it for now. i don’t want to sabotage anymore. i’m almost 30 and i have remained healthier than i ever would have thought. i miss him. he was my best friend for a while. but we constantly had issues. we both knew that we weren’t meant for each other in the long run. i am happy that we were able to break up lovingly. i care about him and love him and hope to be his friend in the future if it’s possible. i don’t think i know what i’m doing. and i don’t think anyone else does either. but i know in my heart that leo and i were not as compatible as we wished we would be. and maybe i won’t be compatible with anyone! who knows! i need to get right with myself again. i was holding back who i truly am because i didn’t want to hurt his feelings all the time. maybe we’re both insecure, maybe we’re both too sensitive, maybe it’s none of that and we’re just different.

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

thurs apr 6th, 2023

today was a really busy day and a lot of regulars came in. it felt nice that so many people know my name and care about me in the context of beauty and comfort, i mean even if i wasn’t there, stuff would sell, but i make it even better. i am asking for a raise soon, and for service charges to be added to making bouquets/arrangements. i need to keep making cutouts so i can sell more.

i’ve been lazy and haven’t shipped out the shoes… i’m going to… hopefully tomorrow morning. i just need to make the box..

my tooth isn’t letting me bite down comfortably and it’s too yellow and also too big. need to get it fixed again. hopefully this will be the end for a while!

knowing that ado definitely works at ottobar (for free) kinda sucks. not that i even like going there, but it should be an option for me at least. idk, i just want to meet someone who reminds me i’m a million times better without him anywhere near me. i still wish it were different. but this is how it is. no contact forever until we inevitably run into each other but maybe it’ll never happen because he’ll just do his normal move-to-a-new-state, destroy a budding romance, be alone, repeat cycle. that’s no way to live. creating long-lasting connections through trial and error is different than needing people to validate your entire existence. the trauma is so deep. like a trench. perfect for a military guy.

hanging with megan was very easy and relaxing. we made manicotti and watched kitchen nightmares. i feel like she’s a really good friend. just willing and honest and cute and sweet. she’s actually adorable and interesting. i do wish i liked women. do we all somehow want to date our friends even though we don’t want to at the same time???

megan’s cats were fun and the stars of my night too. they reminded me that kit probably needs a diet, and a vet visit, ugh.

i feel myself getting closer and closer to freedom from the recent pasts that, i believe, would torment any sane person

anyway, falling asleep

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

sun apr 2nd, 2023

yesterday was a really good time getting a tattoo on the same arm as my best friends and being able to talk about cremaster, books, life events. it’s nice to be around older people because they often have figured out that numbing doesn’t work. sobriety is the way you can avoid fucking up your life, existing with the pain, overcoming. i think this is why older people see me as so wise. i’m doing the work now that they realized to do later. maybe not everyone, but i think many notice my wisdom! i’m not afraid to be vulnerable. who i am. healthy shame ONLY please!

morgan has been more open with her expressions towards me, which feels like a big shift after feeling so distant and unwanted. we still haven’t hung out but i feel that she’s aware of my importance in her life. i’ve always wanted to be there, but also i want to be wanted!

my tattoo is very cute. today was a lot though. just a bunch of stinky customers with too much entitlement. disrespect for a space really makes me so upset. whether it’s mine or someone else’s. doesn’t make a difference. be kind to environments! remind yourself it’s not your space to just splay out when you’re being welcomed into a space that’s well-crafted and fragile!

most of the day went by without thinking about ado but i am getting a little paranoid he sees my blog or that andrea might tell that friend of hers more about me and i don’t want her to know my life and compare herself to me. i know it’s not in my hands. but it’s just so disturbing when people can not know you and decide you’re messed up. when ado was the one who began messing with me and i acted as i never have in my life. idk. i think i’m still processing some guilt about cheating. it just wasn’t me at all. that’s not me. what also wasn’t me was letting a man come into my life and act like the person for me only to start making me small. that’s not me. i’m big, with a big heart, with big eyes, with big love that can be trusted.

my back is hurting bad. i’m so sleepy from working so hard this week. it feels like i worked really hard for 3 days straight. need to catch up on sleep because of last night. wish i could finish a movie but it’s not going to happen. still haven’t really cleaned house. but it’s ok. it’s rare when the house is in this state. it’s been a week with sickness and a lot of work, so i may pardon myself. it’ll get done because i care about it being done.

kit has been kind of obnoxious this week after work! i think he just misses me

anyway. i need to get my eating back on track. really important to go to the grocery store.

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

thurs mar 30th, 2023

today was such an emotional day after having no real weekend and going back into work without any real expelling of energy done. wednesday became a whirlwind because i allowed ado’s energy back through way of a friend. i feel kind of wronged by her for doing that and it also is kinda messed up she was ok screenshotting her friend’s texts to send to me.. major boundary issue, there’s no way this friend would have wanted me to see that? it gave me a bad feeling so i told her i hope she wouldn’t send out any of my texts because i feel like it would be dangerous for me. i don’t think ado gives a shit about me or what has happened, so it’s likely all he would do is spread lies to his new captured individuals. so in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

what i learned is that i don’t need to or want to know anything at all. ANYTHING. my bad for taking the bait. i need freedom from him. now and forever. it’s already been hard enough feeling like i have to avoid things in MY CITY! he doesn’t even like it here or want to be here, yet i let his possible presence dictate my life. i don’t want to be someone who is in hiding. though i do want to be someone who has privacy. i need to be careful who i share with and who i let in, but not overly cautious. it’s always such a fine line.

i floss and brush but you can floss and brush wrong and too hard. i might even be doing it too hard. i make a good meal plan for a week or two. then i am broke and drag my feet about going to the grocery store again. i exercise for a week or two, then my regime falls off. it’s hard to keep it up. or it’s too much. i don’t see how balance is attainable!

i cried and cried this morning thinking ezra and ryan were leaving. god stepped in and let me have what i wanted and gave more than expected. i feel safe knowing that i don’t have to grieve another loss so soon. i feel like i’ve just become a friend i’m proud of. i can’t be without the ones i’ve grown so close to and actually have my back, and vice versa. reliability is so important to me. i want to develop more relationships with that quality.

currie and i went for a walk that we both needed and talked quite a lot. no one was cute at holy. currie sometimes goes off into a distant state and it feels like she’s not listening or interested but it only bothers me a little. i deserve attention! we both detailed what our best and favorite day would be like, and they mirrored each other. we all want people close to us, entertainment, a little sun and movement and motivation.

and now i’m quite tired. i want to meet someone! i want to make a tinder a something to MEET people but i know the idea is more fulfilling than the actual act of downloading such a shotty, trick-filled platform. it’s a giant trick devised to keep you on and hooked. i don’t have enough time in the day to feel ok about spending my time in such a way.

rip sophomore coffee man starer

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

mon mar 27th, 2023

lots of sneezing happening. i spend the day watching movies and sort of keeping the house at bay. i only thought about ado as i was creating my tattoo idea on photoshop. reminder to delete photoshop soon. morgan and i didn't hang out because i've gotten sick. it's almost like the universe wanted me not to have a confrontation with her. to leave it. to focus on me and not what someone else is to give me, even if it hasn't been enough.

i feel i haven't been able to nourish myself this week as i did the past few weeks. everything ebbs and flows. flossing still important. teeth very important. i've felt chatty and connected although laying on the couch all day. it's past 11pm and i feel like i want to stay up longer but i want to start settling again. feels like a waste of a weekend. but it's been a while since i've just done nothing, or nothing much besides laying and watching. it's been sweet to be with kittan. he's in my spot right now. my nose is running a lot. i hope all of tuesday isn't spent in recovery as well, but who can say. currie and i had a nice back and forth, and i'm wishing there was time to watch another movie but it'll have to be tomorrow.

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

sun mar 26th, 2023

feels like i’ve got a bit of a cold. really wishing it was past 3pm right now. this day feels like it’s gonna be busy and i just feel congested. had a sweet bread thing and i’m sure that won’t actually help.

maria also likes the new lana. i just wanna listen to it in the car but i don’t really have anywhere to go.

i’m not really excited to hang out with morgan because i think i have to repeat myself about how i feel. but i will do it because i need to express what i want. and if she can’t hear me, then i know my answer.

last night was exhilarating and ezra is really showing up for me. we’re really capable of showing each other that we feel strongly about our friendship. they let me know that i have been such a wonderful style guide. it’s really validating to know that people notice how i affect them positively. i am tasteful and a seeker! i have a presence because i love and cherish even small things very deeply.

i think a lot of people have refrained from showing me love and it made me feel as if i couldn’t either. i don’t want to be someone who holds back. i love and i care. why act as if i don’t? i loved and cared for ado so much. i still miss him, all the time. i wonder if he hates me, i wonder what he’s doing. it’s not important of course, but how can one not think about the person you last loved closely? it’s definitely put me in a position where i can’t just move on. i have to continue deep healing. it’s surprising this is how it is. but i definitely can’t say i expected the marriage and etc that i said i wanted. there was too much pain.

everytime i hear ribs by lorde come on, which i’ve said this before, i get really in my feelings. it reminds me of a video i took in cali.

i remember the hurt most, does he yell out about the hurt? has he completely forgotten? what a torture to keep wondering even when i’ve barred myself from knowing.

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

sat mar 25th, 2023

rainy day and i’m really enjoying margaret by lana so much. the way she says the first couple of lines gives me goosebumps. it just reminds me of how i feel sometimes. like oh god here we go, let’s see how this goes.

alex said i looked good today when he brought over my hot chocolate. he’s always so kind to me. he’s a lot younger but i feel like he’s the kind of guy that would be good for me. someone who just oozes kindness and has been through a lot but isn’t warped. i guess i can’t really know what he’s like, but he feels warm. it’s easy to feel how people are in how they interact, even the basics. i don’t really love wearing makeup and i don’t wear much but i often feel like i’m treated better when i do… sigh

i had a lot of dreams last night that i’ve forgotten. before i fell asleep i thought about how cozy i was with ado. i miss the feeling of being held a bit. not by him specifically. ah. it would be good for me to never see him again. i do wonder.. will it? i hope i’ll be okay. in fact, i know i will be. shaken up doesn’t mean that it’s going to affect me that much. life is so like this. it’s so much!

yesterday was so pleasant because both victoria came in and nancy. both of them give me so much energy. i get so excited. she ended up taking a pic of me when she was leaving the store. and invited me to a concert tonight. maybe i’ll go? can’t quite decide. i feel like i need to keep focusing on myself so i don’t get lost in others. don’t want to attach to this person who probably would be averse to it. but honestly, i respect other peoples’ boundaries so well. i’m mostly in need of protecting my own.

time goes by. i stand. i sit. i remember. it’s been almost 5 months alone. 9 months alone was my longest. a year alone seems like the right timeline for now. i’m not ready for anyone. i want to be ready and be the full loving person i know i am. i’m already improving so much and being so vulnerable with my friends and new friends. currie and i, as well as me, ezra, and ryan, have the healthiest relationships i’ve ever had. actual trust, actual closeness. it took time. i have had moments where i demonized and wanted to run away, but i haven’t.

as for morgan, i notice my resentfulness. i send her responses and she can’t return any comment. she sends me stuff and i respond back but i feel myself not truly feeling like doing it. because my needs aren’t being met. and like i’ve come to notice, my expectations have been like -1. we’ll see. i’m going to talk to her when we hang out. state again that i need commitment when it comes to friendship. i want to be interacted with. not just someone you send a few things to do and that’s it.

work is going fine and next next week i’m going to ask for both a raise and for tips to be add to cut flower purchases.

a little bothered that my gyno didn’t test for hpv. that’s literally the reason i wanted a pap smear… so i sent a message to her. if she doesn’t get back, i’ll call. health is a priority.

i want to make another paper cutout tonight. actually watch a movie. do yoga. i don’t think i would actually enjoy a concert tonight. also, depends on price… i’ll think about it.

happy to be alive. i’m doing it.

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

thurs mar 23rd, 2023

”you can go through horrendous things and still learn to heal without the help of the person who hurt you.”

today i went to work and did an abundance of flower work. it felt a little like i wasn’t making them as well as i do as other days.. when i feel more creative. i didn’t focus on that worry though. i had a lot of love in my heart the whole day. ann came in and talked to me for a bit, this lady told me about her being slandered by other women, a few other people just enjoyed some mild “medium” talk with me. i ate some focaccia and some mediocre pesto for din.

megan came over and we enjoyed convo and snacks. got kind of worried i was overzealous about sharing deep drama from the past but making sure to ask if it was ok to share. she’s really pleasant and we have music taste, snack taste, cat taste, a kindness, in common. i would like to keep getting to know her. i like her openness and her ability to come over wearing chill clothes, just to hang. i feel like i’m in such a good place to welcome people into my life and share snacks and fun with them. i think this is beyond great. making friends is so precious.

kit is a really special guy. i love him. he’s laying up against my right foot, sleepy.

i feel energized. i loved being able to be there for darian to chat about what he’s going through. it’s kind of astounding how both trips kinda completely changed because of loss of housing/relationship confusion… in the same week. but i let both friends know that my trip doesn’t hail in comparison to them figuring out the best way to live their lives. though i’ll still come see them however! life is a mess, i’m ok being there for the mess. it’s how we grow, it’s how we bond. we gotta be there for each other!

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

wed mar 22, 2023

after a very long call with currie, i feel so full. i feel as if we have finally reached the part in our friendship where it's fully transparent and it's so beneficial to both of us to hear each others' thoughts. work was slow, but i was able to let the time go by and it did. i had a nice interaction with nancy, who at first, makes me roll my eyes, but she's truly sweet and it must make her day to come in and spend time with both me and the objects. debra came in-- she experienced the strange narcissistic man that walked in after claiming he picked up trash, that was his own. i thanked her for being there and she, again, acknowledged my wisdom/mental quickness.

ezra and i chatted about apartments. it seems like maybe they'll stay in baltimore longer? i would greatly miss them if they left. i know deep down ezra and ryan are my family. they have been there like no others. ezra has really opened up with me to where it's no longer awkward when its just us. i think i've grown so much through my friendships. it wasn't possible to grow through my given family. my mom recognizes me somewhat, but she's never been someone to give adequate responses or feedback. in some ways i've matured past her. she may have the financial stability and no longer drinks, but she is very much still intertwined with deeply ingrained addictive tendencies, which continue to make her unavailable.

i do think about ado. every day. but the attachment is weakening. time is the healer. i am doing the work. i am paying attention. i am working and processing until i have healed. healing isn't linear, but as the months go by, i realize that i have changed in enormous ways. i am sober (116 days), i have stopped spending frivolously, i have limited my interactions with content on social medias, i have stopped making myself small and having no needs. i deserve respect. i deserve to be a priority to those i hold as a priority. no more one-sided relationships. no more unavailability. i have found such joy in making paper cutouts. it's cute and fun! i feel proud of the one in my fireplace.

kittan is next to me on his back looking so comfortable. i am so lucky to have him in my presence. he is so loving and silly and has the cutest meows and an expert cuddler. he is my family, too. this little home is us, and i am proud. we have a wonderful home filled with glory. we exist at the same time, as two different creatures who find solace in each other. i will get up early to fix myself the pasta for the pesto. maybe i can get myself to do morning exercise. but i refuse to pressure myself. i've been making great strides in having better care regimes.

i got through two difficult situations this week. both have seen some resolve. i am a great asset to hedgerow, i am valued, i am interesting, i am seen. i will ask for a raise in april. i deserve one. the shop wouldn't run without me! as for morgan, i will see how our meet-up goes. if i feel that she can't be present for me as a friend, i will have to re-evaluate. my time is precious. i want to make time for those who want to see me and don't make me feel unwanted/abandoned. as someone with abandonment fears, i acknowledge that i often feel the urge to leave before getting hurt. but with her i've made very direct attempts to show her i want us to hang out and that i cherish her. if that's not something she can do, i need to transfer this energy into new friendships that feel equal and/or things i've been wanting to do with and by myself. i'm really proud of me. i haven't said this to myself enough in my life. i no longer how to survive on crumbs. i am an adult and what had been a way of life growing up isn't how i need to live now. i am my own advocate. other people may seem as if they know more, but we all know and find out for ourselves. trust the process. trust yourself!

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

i feel like it’s been a long time coming of needing to write this down. after listening to this podcast, realizing how much i have kept inside, i want to finally write this down.

in january i created a dating profile on tinder. i thought it would be nice to meet someone. i’d been broke up with allen for nearly 9 months and hadn’t had any real dates since. i was on the app for less than a day when i matched with ado. his profile wasn’t really my style, but he was cute and seemed different from most people i was coming across.

within a day we were chatting a lot and it seemed to flow so well and it was fun and flirty, but not without a strange gut feeling. my hesitation was at a height when he told me he “only fucks his friends”. we had been voice messaging and i found him interesting. his life seemed to be all over the place while i’m someone who has been in my city my whole life. but putting the pieces together didn’t lead to any full answers. he has left me confused. his timelines, his past and suspected current lovers, it just didn’t make sense.

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

cont’d

having trouble with meals. i feel so ill after dinner. mostly from the crying. and staring at this phone screen hurts. i want to remember my dreams. tonight i will make sure i really write it down as soon as i wake. today’s struggles are majorly about feeling invalidated by own mother when she validates my fears. she has resigned and resigns me to her idea that we are broken and generally going to be unhappy forever. i want to do something big that proves her wrong. i want to be powerful. i want to make an album about my feelings and it resonate the way oklou has been resonating for me. i want to be sexy and smart and seen as talented. i am these things, but i don’t feel that people know. do they need to know? they don’t. but i want to leave this earth knowing i made a bigger impact that what is already my impact. prove the haters wrong. for me. not for them.

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

wed aug 10th

today has been rough. woke up feeling so passively suicidal until i went to sbux and mark yelled my name from his car. it reminded me i wasn’t just completely alone and that no one thinks about me. i spent a good part of the day reading my cptsd book and many pages of it had my eyes welling up because i so badly needed a cry. i made a few bouquets and didn’t feel miserable as i often do there. emilia came in and she said she was proud of me for standing my ground and deciding to end it. and i told her sometimes i wish i just kept going along with it because at least it felt somewhat good. though, i know that wouldn’t actually be true. the real struggle now is that i have to again go back to my worries. ado felt like a break from dealing with my void. the void shrunk down because he felt like fulfillment. finally— a partner to be there. a stable body, even if not a stable mind. like a parent who was supposed to be there for the worried, anxious child. but another parent who would show they can’t actually be there. but what has always been there is still there. i redirect my attention back at the void that i absolutely detest. what is my meaning? why do i feel so incredibly hopeless? no one is truly capable of helping me love myself. or maybe it’s not even that. i keep finding myself in a pattern where i am seeking out something that cannot be found in those i’ve sought. why can’t i just let myself live? am i fine or am i paralyzed by fear? is the fear realistic? love is not the answer. love is a nice addition to a life already fulfilled? is anyone actually fulfilled though? do we not all have a void omnipresent? regardless, i am hurting. i have no answers. i have no idea how he truly ever felt about me. love is not enough to stay. he resented me and i couldn’t handle his inability to actually be honest with me. i struggle with feeling it all was such a farce. his language oozed with inauthenticity. it felt clingy but also infantilizing. he is not the person for me. his lifestyle was not for me. he was already wanting me to be someone else. he was already talking to someone else under the guise of friendship. i refuse to be an underdog or a back-up plan. or any plan. freedom from him is the real safety. stability doesn’t come from a partner who makes their doubt so obvious it becomes your problem.

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

tues aug 9th

i'm feeling so hurt right now. i know i have nothing to do with this. but to go from wanting to be with someone so badly to having what seems to be sneaky feelings about his ex sucks. i never want to see him again. i hope in a lot of ways he's suffering and that his ex actually is with someone new happily and won't just pounce on this opportunity to be with a dude who only wants her when he has no one else. but regardless, i have never wanted a friends with benefits relationship. and i regret saying to him that we should reevaluate when he gets back. i don't want to evaluate anything. i have a strong feeling he'll talk to his ex extensively the entire rest of deployment. even have a less nuanced emotional, even sexual relationship. but i know know know this doesn't matter. we aren't ever getting back together because there is zero trust there. he rolled his eyes at me. he hung up on me. he never deleted tinder. he didn't want to use condoms with me and would "rather jerk". he doesn't like my things or my friends. our "worldview" isn't compatible. he wants to be highly involved with an ex who he "can't remember" when he broke up with her, as he says, before meeting me. he slept overnight in the van with her, as if this is normal.... he makes playlists with her. he "has a call" with her on his birthday. this is all so many red flags. he wants to have options. when one girl makes him feel too "stuffy" and committed, he goes back to the past to rekindle because it's been enough time to maybe put the ex on a pedestal. they were having good conversation on the phone, she sent him podcasts, she talked about her expo with him, while with me he states he was experiencing "love but no joy". disgusting wording. i wish i could understand his past more. he made it seem like he didn't like jenna at all anymore, that she wasn't someone he felt he could do things with. but there were so many polaroids of her? and seemingly outdoorsy, so they definitely did some travel together? everything seems like he was incapable of telling any truths. just another man who wanted to play house or something. pathetic i hate them both

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

fri july 29th

oh man i woke up and looked at ado’s spotify which has a new playlist with 1 like. and i know it’s his ex. who else. i’m sure every time he’s been unhappy with me he’s told her. he’s obviously still having feelings for her but instead of feeling like why me over her, it’s more like ok, she’s going to be the one to continue suffering because ado can’t commit to anything. at least not for more than months. if they ended up together, so be it. even if it worked, he’s not a stable person to be with.

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

cont’d

i woke up feeling miserable. my lower back just hurts. my jaw is tense. i keep flipping between wanting to end with ado kindly and wanting to completely cut him off. it feels like no matter which way i go, i suffer the most. i wish we didn’t find each other because this pain is so tiring and i don’t feel like i experienced genuine love. but i wanted so bad for it to be right. all i want is a person who is there for me and loves me, and is romantic with me. so many confusing things happened and there is absolutely no trust at all. i don’t trust that he actually cares. i only see him wanting what he wants. it’s another situation where my needs mean nothing and they are pushed down as much as possible. but i’m glad it has ended before i got completely entangled in his life in a way that would make it hard for me to detach. i’d be so so stuck.

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

thurs jul 28th

i’m talking to a friend, kyle, on bumble bff. and she reminds me that ado has pretty abusive tendencies and that i dodged a bullet. i do feel like this is true but it still hurts.

it hurts to think ado didn’t delete tinder when we got serious. and that multiple times when i wanted him to reveal something to me, he decided to shut down the conversation by saying “i’m not doing this. i don’t have to tell you anything” etc.

he keeps sending me these bogus “i hope you’re well” type shit, which isn’t even leading me on well. at least have some real emotion if you want me on a string! i hate him and i hope he suffers in md for two years.

i want to tell him off and say stop sending me this shit, i don’t trust you nor are you my friend. he isn’t! i don’t want friendship.

i want closure so bad but i know any convo with him would be painful. so i want to drop off his plants before he comes back and he can drop off my shirt, books, and keys in the vestibule

i think he’s a cheater and not worthy of my love at all

[raynewritingdownthoughts]

cont'd i spiraled as i got home thinking about how i was probably just a rebound. a placeholder for him while he figured out if he loves jenna enough to be with her for real. morgan tells me, if he wanted to be with her, he would. well, maybe he wants that now. it doesn't matter much.

so much feels omitted. i can't really grasp his timelines or what seems real or not. i feel like i'm in the dark and there's no clarity.

when he gets back, i do not want him to be mine. i will give him his remaining things and move on with my life. after all, i know this trap. i've created this same trap before. the doubt, the reveal, the break up, the want to get back, the doubt again. it's a cycle. and my brain has enough cycles.

i will feel better once i stop spending $50 on something random each week. i will feel better when i pay off a credit card. i will feel better if i make myself breakfast and dinner every day. if i exercise everyday. i will feel better when i let go of the resentment i feel, towards nearly everyone.

self-regulation is key. venting is also allowed. i need to process this grief so i can be better.

no one is going to make my life better but me. i have always hoped that love would give me more meaning. in a way, it does for many people. but even in love, there is me, who needs to be found.

regardless of what happens, i'm alive. i can continue. in january i had no idea who this person was. i was on tinder for literally one day and we connected. it wasn't meant to be, it was just a happy accident, like most things. there are more opportunities for love. maybe just irl this time...

i'm going to figure stuff out, even if it takes me forever