razinrants-blog

[razinrants-blog]

Hate.

This is a poem of self-hate.

I wish that i could start over.

I wish that i could scrub this body clean of the dirt, the scars, the sins, the hands, the sheets, the memories,

Let the skin rip itself apart, let the blood flow free, let every single sinew shred so that the only thing left is the bone.

Pure, white bone,

for no matter how hard i tried, it won't go.

I wish that i could burn myself down to ashes, incinerate this body to cinders and nothing more.

No.

I wish there are no ashes, no cinders, left to bear this filth, this unholy, this putrid existence.

I wish for a re-start, or a one-up, or a revival, or a baptism to cleanse this body,

I wish that everything that i did would be forgotten,

By everyone,

By God.

Because, How could you forgive yourself for a mistake that is unforgivable, for something that is so twisted, so wrong, so-

Disgusting.

But hey,

I don't know about you, but i'm pretty much disgusted myself.

[razinrants-blog]

My friends are fallen raindrops, They sit on my windshield, I never wipe them off, I love to look at them too much and I might crash this car in doing so, but at least I will be with them.

Lino Anunciacion - "What Makes a Good Person"

[razinrants-blog]

Altruist.

I'd like to tell myself that I'm a perfect altruist.

I'd give you anything and everything but I never take.

I'd help you with every possible problem you could ever imagine and never ask for compensation.

I'd advice you on everything from love to life, yet I won't lecture.

I'd smile for your happiness and never cry tears of my own.

I'd hide my own tears so yours won't feel as much unimportant.

I'd bite my tongue from saying my true feelings and hold my breath as long as I can so your feelings won't hurt as much as mine did.

I'd agree with everything you'd say.

I'd lie so you won't be blamed.

I'd die so you won't have to.

Heck, I'd murder in your name and claim the guilt so your hands aren't the one stained with blood.

Can't you see?

My altruism for you, My devotion for you, My fascination of you, My obsession about you.

Can't you see? Can't you?

It's all right. I don't complain. I'd like to tell myself that I'm a perfect altruist.

[razinrants-blog]

This skin.

This skin is never mine, it’s yours. You, yours, the product of your broken ambition and your neglected desire. The sweet salvation to your unfulfilled dreams.

This skin, 

I’ll wear them with your pride. The pain and sorrow, I’ll bear and endure. The cuts and scratches, I’ll take them all. Biding the time for the fruit of success,  you’ve ever so wanted.

No,

These are not words of anger nor contempt. These are but words. And words are after all, just words.

[razinrants-blog]

Days.

There are good days, And there are shitty ones. There are times when your smile, drowns the ocean of other people's feelings. As if yours is the only happiness  this earth deserves to bear at the moment.

As if your shiny teeth defy the rights of dozen other euphoric epiphany. As if the world is yours and yours alone.

And there are days that suck ass. Like the letter 's', strangling, suffocating, smothering, suppressing. Stifling your already unsettled mood. Scratching at the edge of your mind, spewing, spitting, spouting out curses and cusses Taunting the very core of your ice-thin sanity.

And there are also days where nothing else matters. Your own existence, for example. Demanding to be erased yet very much permanent. Begging release but pretty much shackled.

On these days, you cry.  Maybe etch a line, one or two. Reminding yourself that you are still here. That you still breathe.

And that it'll get better soon.