re-pave

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I’ve come to the realization that no one is ever going to see me the way I need them to, or the way I told myself I needed them to. The way that I imagined. There was a sadness I used to carry because maybe it fit and I needed it but I also thought it was worth it or acceptable at the time because someone would recognize it and romantically say “there it is”.

It’s hard to feel the depth of sadness I used to because now there’s a hopelessness attached. It’s weird to think about. I used to be almost proud of the depth of sadness I could reach. Walking around campus and being delusional(?) in the way I would assume people saw how sad I was and thought I was more interesting for it. I guess I really thought it would be recognized one day and be the reason I would fall in love. Or the reason someone would fall in love with me.

Adults are so much more afraid of being sad. In a real way. It feels like there’s so much emphasis having fun / a good time > all else.

I should try to find a way to not dismiss someone as superficial if they’re not sad. It’s just interesting, because to my core I still am drawn to sad people and will inevitably feel more deeply connected. Wondering if I can fall in love without that. It feels so boring. I know there’s a balance in there somewhere.

Also realizing how abnormal it is in the general public - being on tumblr and online in general doesn’t make you realize that this is isn’t normal. 99% of people want easy, breezy, happy.

Also..physical attraction. How much of developing that “I see you” moment is predicated on physical attraction and screening people out you aren’t attracted to and vice versa (been through this line of thinking too much). You find ways to “see” people you’re physically attracted to. Subconsciously or not.

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Alaska airlines flight Seattle -> Columbus

I sat next to a girl who was writing in a diary for the entire 4 hours.

“What do I want”

“I want to be held”

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My grandpa recently sent me some film from his travels over the past 40 years. I had no idea he had ever spent time shooting and was blown away by his compositions.

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Adonis, tr. by Khaled Mattawa, Selected Poems

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ngl i should not be allowed to think. the demons take over !

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Fill my lungs with ganja when they fill my brain with drama. From my past I have all this trauma.

I'm trapped in my head too much

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But yeah. Absolutely never again. Glad it’s over and I can move on.

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Omg the over-analyzing is truly wild 😂

somewhat encouraged by the reminders despite the scary context.

-work on being more honest and vulnerable.

-trying to be a little more comfortable in my skin and being more intentional about trying to connect with people. Physically and emotionally. Less shame. Some people might not want the invitation to connect, but try. It’s better that way than the emptiness of the alternative (ambiguity). put myself out there rejection is better this way.

-Work on trying to be less insecure & worried about if people like me or not. Connecting and being comfortable together is the goal, not getting married.

-Tap into my younger self. make an effort to show love more unabashedly, be less in my head. It’s ok to exaggerate. “I miss you!” Show people I love that I love them more. Be casual about it too.

-be more curious, ask questions where anything goes, dumb or deep, but be genuinely interested in other people.

-being less guarded. Trying to be uninhibited in my mindset is the challenge / goal and being rejected for that is a win. Confidence is always a good lesson.

LET LOOSE. Free flow. Nothing to lose other than the failed connection because of being guarded.

Ultimately what matters is feeling fully comfortable with someone. Fully at peace.

I’m also not even sure I have a “problem” I’m just not ready. And settling down scares the shit out of me. Revolutionary. I’m also purposefully super selective. There’re objectively very few people that exist who I’m compatible with. I’m floored my mind went to the places it did. Insanity.

I guess they’re good reminders no matter the context. Some positive ways to feel more connected that can always be worked on whether there’s a “problem” or not.

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A little research: 100% t induced. All brain fog. So fucking scary how much it messes with your brain. I was truly delulu and thought I was thinking of ingenious solutions to all my problems. It’s so much gibberish. So much cringe. I really thought I was on to something. Yikes. What a hellish rollercoaster. Way better ways to try to lose inhibition (including just working on it, or faking it).

I’m genuinely scared my mind went there. NEVER again.

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As exciting as that was to feel like I finally “broke through”, that was exhausting. And not something I want to go through again anytime soon. I made it feel heavy because I weighed it down with detail (and memory). But it’s not. More of a reminiscing exercise that sucked me in. Weirdly compulsive. I could have easily fallen asleep if I laid down. Oh well, cathartic at least.

I didn’t “figure anything out”. Just (hopefully) clarified what’s been happening and ways I can try to do better. A little less learning and reflecting and a little more living. It’s actually funny how simply that entire night can be boiled down. Ridiculous. I know what I have to do, because it’s what should come naturally. It’s more about unlearning. I’ll try my best. That’s enough. Time to take everything a little less seriously.

The “revelation”: Try to drink when you’re getting to know someone for the first time. That’s literally it.

Or not…because there are definitely people who are willing to wait to get more comfortable.

No right or wrong. Done.

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Should’ve stopped after like 30 minutes.

The rest is unnecessary detail but felt like I needed to get it down knowing I haven’t felt inspired in so long. It’s possible. Recorded the excruciating detail to remember. To hopefully help myself in the future. My brain went to a different place (combination of a lot of things, big life changes). Insanely weird night….but ultimately: I’m tired of feeling detached and I want to connect with people more deeply and this could help if boiled down. Feels like stuff I (probably) already knew but too hard to implement. Don’t take seriously, maybe some good nuggets. Grain of salt.

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I’m going to miss nyc. Thinking about how much I’ve been through since I first moved here and how instrumental this city had been for me over the years. Starting way back when I was 21. A lost kid from Ohio. Feeling ashamed for “choosing” indulgence in the big city over choosing what my heart was telling me. I kept leaving and kept coming back, chasing the initial feeling I had the first time I lived in the city. The feeling of wanting to come back to the city followed me and never really left. It feels like my life has changed a lot from when I first lived here but I don’t think I’ve actually grown in a valuable way. It’s been almost 10 years. I’m still that 21 year old kid in so many unfortunate ways and I think it’s time to finally follow my heart. I know I could make it work here. I could change here. But my heart’s not in it. I’m ready to break the cycle I’ve been in for so long. So many valuable life lessons. Truly no other place like New York City. Love it. Hate it. What a ride. Grateful.

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Back to regular life. With a little more awareness.