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i had only ever cut a word onto myself that once in high school.

i cant really describe the feeling of having done it again

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like. i literally used to think i just was under-sensitive and fucked up in some way where i needed insanely intense stimulation to get off. but. after climbing over the hurdle of being comfortable with Any amount of intimacy with my girlfriend because being any amount of sexually intimate after realizing she like. genuinely cares about me and wants me to feel safe and respected and will never push my boundaries and actually not only desires me physically but also uhhhh Wants to make Me Feel Good???? literally sent me into a panic for Months 🤪🤪🤪 even tho we had literally had sex a few times before we started dating but i had no idea i was actually legitimately safe in the relationship lol...... but like. after finally uhhhhh starting to process the fact that despite being Known amongst many of my friends as "the one who is Highly Sexually Active™️ and borders on kind of a manwhore" lol i had. literally never had sex with someone who really loved me,, we have Finally started having sex again and like. it hasnt been objectively very intense at all in comparison to much of the sexual experience ive had in the past but. it's literally never felt like This before..... like shell have me on the edge with just touching me the right way while i used to think i needed At Least a vibrator or some pretty damn significant penetration going on to get that close. and i dont think shes even doing anything particularly Skilled And Strategic™️ or whatever its just..... nobodys ever paid attention to my reactions and my body and taken their time like this before. like i literally cannot think of a single relationship ive had in the past where ive felt so genuinely. desired and loved. i cant think of a partner thats kissed me nearly as much as she does and we really only get to see each other a couple times a week usually. and its just so much stuff that i was looking for for so fucking long but not even really realizing i was missing. like i had Thought ive had pretty healthy and loving relationships before i was just pretty fucked from the couple that went really really badly, but like. im being made to realize that ive never really known what a real relationship was supposed to be at all. and i told myself quite a bit that i might just be acting dramatic about it but my girlfriend keeps telling me like "no ive also had all my relationships end for whatever reason and get my heart broken and feel a uniquely strong love for you too, but the things you tell me about all of your past relationships and how you respond to things that are supposed to be normal and healthy in any relationship tells me youve never really been treated properly as a partner" and like. idk it gives me a sense of. grief? that like...... even the relationship i had for two whole years with my childhood best friend when i was like 17-19 was perfectly Healthy in like. we got along perfectly and we're best friends to this day and we would like cuddle and shit but also, we only had Two sexual encounters during the entire two year relationship (both of which were led by myself and never really reciprocated though done with consent) and i realized i really need sex in a relationship to feel Satisfied and desired enough and we ended things really smoothly after that and like. 1) never felt the desire and passion i was needing and 2) i literally do not Remember at least 95% of it anyways because ive retained very very few memories of that period of my life For Reasons. so its like. i might as well be having my first healthy relationship ever in my entire life after over a decade of either crushing disappointments, relationships completely devoid of love, or literally abuse situations as my entire experience with relationships and the only other sexual experience i was having was sex work. (no shade towards sex work for the record it just definitely had a major impact on my development of a really fucked view of sex and what it should look like in a relationship in my personal life lol)

idk like i just... maybe im jumping the gun here but ive thought about marrying partners before, but i've never been so sure about it. i never want to know life without her in it again. i fear if i lose her, i'll never find someone so loving and gentle and patient ever again. i love her so deeply and feel so much safety and joy when i'm with her that it scares the shit out of me. every part of me shakes with the fear that this is all too good to be true or too good to last. especially as the longer it lasts, the more my brain reminds me that by the time ive gotten this close to someone in the past, we'd have started arguing or something by now. it's so terrifying sometimes. but i can't bring myself to give into the compulsion to self-sabotage and run from it all because it's even scarier to think i'll never get to feel her hold me or kiss me again

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they really meant it when they said sex feels Completely Different when its with someone you have a deeply loving relationship with huh...

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i hate hate hate that experiencing real genuine love and affection and understanding and respect in a relationship is making me so fucking terrified and triggering ptsd so fucking badly i want to fucking enjoy it

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do they not realize how fucked up it is for like an entire friend group to apparently have all of these huge problems with someone for such a long time and. just pretend to be their friend while subtly making them feel unwanted until they leave themselves. and they all preach about mental health and shit but ive said to them. i need some things spelled out for me. but they just nitpicked specific shit instead of ever addressing the actual behaviors and got mad when i didnt catch on. like. sorry but that is NOT communication!!! its not!!!

and the ONE person out of them that i expected to understand didnt

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i hate that exactly what i fucking feared was happening was actually happening. and like i KNOW if i say im hurt by how they kept it all from me and waited until i literally left myself because i knew i wasnt wanted there and then dared to reach out again to just dump their essay of grievances on me and then cut me off, apparently that means i don't actually feel bad for how i hurt them or want to change. god forbid someone feel multiple complex emotions about a situation. of fucking course i feel remorse for how i hurt them. i dont WANT to hurt my friends. but they seem to think im actually a fucking demon. as if they didnt ALL insult each other as jokes and have misunderstandings. they keep saying theyve brought some things up with me, but there has seriously NEVER been a time where someone actually approached me and pointed out a behavior that had to change. it was always "this specific comment hurt me", so i would stop saying things on that topic, or some other minor moment that isnt actually addressing a greater problem that they apparently had with me. nobody ever actually gave me an opportunity to change anything they had apparently been holding against me. and then theyre mad at me for not interacting with them as much and ignoring them??? i stopped interacting as much because i was noticing how they were obviously not liking me. i brought it up to my best friend in that group A FEW TIMES over the course of like over a year, and they kept reassuring me "no its not that they dont like you its just your abrasive personality might make them uneasy sometimes" well I WAS RIGHT. they didn't fucking like me. and i'm allowed to say i was right about that.

like it just baffles me because like. i have friends i've known longer than i've known them, AS WELL AS friends i've known for less time, all of which know they can bring things up with me, and we can have a conversation about it and things can change when they need to. but not these ones? i can even name specific RECENT examples of having something brought up with me and it Not ending like they think it will? these ones just think i'll bite their head off or something? they all like to talk about how theyre so mindful and value communication or whatever, but they were literally holding in their loathing for me for what seems to me like over a year, likely longer. without ever once actually giving me a chance to fix anything by actually fucking speaking to me honestly and openly. why am i not allowed to be upset by that? why am i not allowed to be upset that i was apparently hurting people i cared about, all while they silently took it and hated me more and more for it? they like to flaunt about how "understanding of neurodivergence" they are, and yet they don't understand that i need things explained to me in clear terms if things need to change, despite how i've said this. but no, if i show i'm upset at all and do anything besides crawl on all fours and apologize for being such a demon, i'm wrong and don't actually want to change.

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i feel like fucking tearing off my skin i dont want to be awake but im so sick of sleeping every time my phone goes off i want to throw it at a wall but if i put it on dnd im afraid someone i love will die i want to be there for my loved ones but every time im faced with even a minute amount of stress i want to fucking kill myself im just. at my fucking limit

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i guess i dont fucking get to have my safe place anymore fucking nothing is sacred

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i dont know how much more i can take. i'm honestly at my limit.

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i have $4 in my bank account and $20 cash in my wallet that i specifically need to get gas to make it to my plasma donation appointment so i can have a meager bit of extra cash to survive a few more weeks. i ran out of my meds a few days ago and i would make an appointment with my psychiatrist but. pay for the copay with what? pay for the meds refill with what? the plasma appointment money? my appointment to donate isn't until the 3rd. so i'm off my meds for nearly two weeks by then, it's entirely likely i crash my car on the way to the appointment. pay for the damage with what? make it to the appointment on time with what money for a bus or an uber? busses aren't free, despite that my tax dollars pay for it. this country is actively poisoning its own citizens. it wants us dead if we can't contribute to the money-making machine immediately for slave wages that can't even afford rent. like what am i supposed to do??? every year inflation makes staying alive more expensive but our wages aren't going up at all to reflect that. eventually i'll just be making so little and surviving will be so expensive that i just can't afford to live anymore and. what? i die. and so does everyone i love around me unless they get profoundly lucky. it just feels so fucking hopeless.

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need to eat. nothing at home that i have the energy to make sounds like something i can stomach. anything i have at home that i can stomach takes too much energy to make. i would get food from somewhere that i can stomach but i have $5 and can't justify using the gas to drive somewhere i can afford the food because i need the gas to get to the plasma donation center tomorrow so i can have more than $5. looks like i'm not eating.

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i wonder if they think about me as often as i think about them. i wonder if they remember things the same way i do

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im complaining about something that makes me look very selfish. i know it makes me look selfish.

i have been trying my best all day to be attractive to taylor. i took nudes today and sent them to her while i was home alone, and today we went on a date that i paid for and for the date i did my makeup and got dressed up in a sexy outfit and endured stares from older women and froze my ass off, and i was hoping that for all of that when we got home she'd have sex with me. and we get home and she tells me she doesn't want to have sex at all tonight. and like. i know i cant be upset about that. shes not obligated to have sex with me im not entitled to sex. but it just feels like i put in all this effort and she still doesn't find me sexy, i'm still just never going to be good enough i'm never going to be her way hotter ex or whatever (i know im making all this shit up and i dont even know what her ex looks like, i just have this idea of what her ex looks like in my head and i imagine her way hotter than me)

a thought crossed my mind the other day and it came up again in my head now. and i KNOW im just hurting myself thinking it but its like. an intrusive thought i cant help it. but kaiden had sex with me daily. multiple times a day. she wanted to have sex with me so bad she raped me when i didnt want to have sex with her. and my brain is like. taylor doesnt love you as much as kaiden did because shes not having sex with you so much shes raping you. and i know thats a REALLY fucked up thought to have but i cant get it out of my head and i just. i dont know what to do with it.

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kaidens instagram was recommended to me on my new insta for some fucking reason and i saw that apparently taylors brother knows her so i spent like 2 hours in a fucking panic thinking that shes going to somehow find me through seth until i got home and taylor told me i could ask seth about it. so i did and he was like "i gotchu" and blocked her on everything so she could never find out about his shows and show up or anything. epic

that was 2 hours of panicking i didnt need i want to fucking lie down

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yesterday i went to my moms and we were just talking for a bit and then at one point she just paused and got quiet and then was like "....shelly you look really tired" and i just started crying

i just cant seem to recover. i go to bed hoping ill feel better when i wake up and every morning i just dont. i feel just as bad as when i went to bed. i woke up feeling exhausted and with a splitting headache i dont want to fucking be at work. i just want to spend all day in the shower trying to make the memories wash away down the drain

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i cant stop thinking about her. i cant get her out of my head. since yesterday no matter what im doing or what im trying to focus on, kaiden keeps creeping back into my mind. i cant fucking stand it. i cant take it anymore. im trying to fucking enjoy my life and be present but i cant fucking stop remembering moments from the past or having her face show up in my mind or hearing her voice in my head or feeling like shes waiting for me at home and all this time since i got away from her never happened and shes actually still sleeping in my bed

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i'm so sick of her memory affecting me like this. i want to crack open my skull and dig all of the memories out of my brain with my nails