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bill & ted r shopping for pads!!

ted, what size pussy do you wear?

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twitter is hell but i really hope it doesn’t actually die because this is in contention for the funniest thing i’ve ever read in my life

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i should only be charged a symbolic amount of 10 cents for my groceries because i have kind eyes and my intentions are pure

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Well, you know what they say; Rome was built in a day, and if you're going any slower than that, you're basically fucked with no hope at all

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Back when i worked i spent 8 hours packaging chicken skewers and the first day i was so exhausted that i couldn't stop shaking and whenever i closed my eyes to sleep i kept seeing chicken skewers and i couldn't get the smell out of my clothes so i did my best to picture images of The Beatles instesd but they kept fading & turned into chicken skewers like in some horrible nightmare and i was miserable

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I'd still trust you with my life doctor tbh

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& this is probably my favorite public statement ever released by any notable figure ever

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Speef is real to me. I'm sorry for that.

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there's nothing i like more as a computer program than a long period of silent contemplation - not doing anything, not rushing anywhere, just standing here and enjoying this moment with the user. oh, it seems once again he has summoned my beautiful and ruthless wife Task Manager. hello, my darling! what are you doing with that long cruel scimitar

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Today a very friendly Golden Retriever came up to me and I said "hey buddy :D" and the owner asked "do you know each other?" like his dog had a social life he didn't know about

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need everyone to know that the artist who created this iconic artwork:

is STILL creating wolf art TO THIS DAY. TEN YEARS LATER. proof that the world is beautiful. her username is wolfroad! you can find her art right here, and here are a few of her more recent pieces that I absolutely adore:

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honestly i never thought the phrase “i want that twink obliterated” was like a sexual thing. like when i read the phrase i imagine “a meteor like the one that killed the dinosaurs is summoned from the heavens and hits the twink in question” type situation

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i'm trying to flirt with this noblewoman but she keeps asking me to demonstrate my flawless sword technique and i don't think she realizes how much effort i'm putting in to make my tits bounce while doing so