realbebopblues

[realbebopblues]

aw shit here we go again!! i feel like i always write such kind things to myself and i genuinely love that. "life is so long, life is so short, it is your own, and you need to live it to the fullest." so true 2022 samantha! anyways, gosh 2023 has been a year. again, i'm struggling on where to start. a lot happens in one year. i will say i did get back into art! i started taking a class at mrs b's again and it's been very fun and much needed even if the timing isn't always great with my schedule. i don't do a ton of art, but my brain is shifting back over and itching for creation. i left the lab and distanced myself from that friend that was a terrible friend. one of my coworkers from the lab passed and i never got closure so i'm still sad about her a lot. i started subbing, but was jobless for a good chunk of the year. i'm honestlu sucking at being an adult bc of course my mental health is continuously on the delcine and i'm not sure i like the path i'm on. actually, i know i don't like it and i'm trying to figure out what i should do about that, but for the most part i'm standing still instead of taking action. i don't know why everything is so difficult for me and the world feels so untangible, unattainable, unreal. it seems i have tied myself down and convinced myself everything is out of reach. why? i don't know. that's a huge thing -- i wish that i can sort out my life in 2024 and get myself on a path more suitable for me.

ahhhhhh as i'm typing this jesse just messaged all of us (as in the siblings a really nice message. here's the update: he was doing really bad and it reached a breaking point. everything is crashing down on him and it's really sad. i hope this will spark real change for him and i have to believe it can, but i know that healing isn't always linear. anyways ahhhhhh that's my son. things were really scary the past few days and hopefully in the new year things will only go up from there :)

i can't lie what happened is adding fuel to the flame that is my anxieties and depression over my life and i again feel very lost and ready to give up. i guess i keep going.

okay so other things this year: i didn't read much. i only read 15 books/collections. i did find more favorites, mainly from toni morrison. i leaned on music A LOT this year. i listened to about 41 albums new to me, 7 albums from 2023, and like probably 10+ eps. i definitely understand music more and have a better ear for what i like. i actually think it's really cool. i've become obsessed with rate your music and i'm forever obsessed with lastfm ofc.

i start student teaching in january so hopefully that goes well. we'll see.

right now i'm sitting on the love seat with natasha. sarah is sorting her kpop shit on the floor. we were listening to forever 1 and now we're listening to 4 walls. i'm gonna go buy a mario game with josh after i finish this to surprise jesse and then i'll plan a card and finish up my school shit (logging hours, maybe contacting my student teaching teacher).

breakdown of the siblings -jesse: sarah works at sarang, left heine, runs photocards, obsessed with zb1 (boys planet was fun). sav: not wanting to graduate, worried for the future, wanting to leave heine. josh: working at graeter's, doing pretty well.

this has got to be the most disorganized letter and i'm probably leaving a million things out. i feel more cynical this year. i did leave something out: that disgusting war that keeps going and going. the world leaders are disgusting and pathetic. it's unbelievable really. who knows what lies ahead for this world. i want to do more. that is a wish i think i have for 2024: do more and be more involved with politics. read more and learn more. be more engaged. i was for a while, and then i shamefully fell into my own selfish hole. maybe that's another wish: get help for your mind. you really need it.

wow i'm mean to me this year! 2024 samantha there's a lot on your plate and whether you give up or push through i hope the result is something desirable to you something to be proud of. i wish to be more of myself this coming year too. i want to sing from the tops of the roof i am lgbt and i want to find love within myself and with someone to hold. yeah i'm yearning. anyways samantha this life, you can do anything with it. even if you convinced yourseld you can't, you have to blieve you can and you have to grasp it and live it. you have to mold it to you and let go of all these contraints. find confidence, acceptance, and love and hold onto it and give it to others. cherish this world and all its life. crave out your place and roam if you need to. be kind to people and think, think, think. i want to end this letter and i'm sorry it's not as sugary sweet, i want so much, i feel so much, i carry so much, and now i'm asking so much. just try. like i said, just breathe and you can command your life.

to the samantha that is now entering 2020, i hope 2019 was better than 2018, but that you accomplished even more. and i hope youre enjoying a new album from miss taeyeon :)

if you rmr, right now youre in the car listening to bts w mother and savannah on your way to see your great grandmother. you have work later, but hopefully by this time you have a different job. maybe ill write more but this is it for now going into the nursing home!!!

[realbebopblues]

i’m realizing that maybe I put ppl on pedestals. i think everyone is so much better and will judge me and it makes me feel so self-conscious and stressed, but i’m realizing that everyone is deeply flawed. there really isn’t anyone that i need to be putting up there. so bc of that i can feel free to be myself and have more confidence.

[realbebopblues]

i wish i could just accept this decision. i feel like i just fucked everything up and everyone’s gonna think i’m an idiot or think low of me. maybe when i’m actually gone i’ll feel better. maybe when i find something new i’ll feel better.

i don’t know. bur what i do know is that job was holding me back. it was making me miserable. it was keeping hate in my heart. it was escalating all these negative feelings inside, turning them up to 100. i’m drowning when i’m there and when i’m not bc i’m thinking about it when i’m not too. maybe i just need to make it through tomorrow night.

but maybe i’m embarrased bc i’m not leaving bc i’ve accomplished something or got my career path job. i’m leaving because i can’t do it anymore. i’m leaving because i’m weak, not because i’m successful or put together. i’m falling apart and the job is actively tearing me apart.

am i just feeling this way bc i’m dealing with this awful job and with school? am i just overwhelmed? whether i’m overwhelmed with my life or not i hate going in more than anything. i stayed for a long time and have hated it for a long time. i have to let it go. i have to accept this decision so i can move on and figure out a better path for my life. if i can do x or x then i can sacrifice it. but i can’t stay. that i cannot do. so let go of it.

[realbebopblues]

literally throwing up out of embarrassment. i talk to much and i say the wrong thing. i can’t wait to get out of the lab and never have to step foot in it again

[realbebopblues]

my brain won’t shut up tonight. i have no idea if i can do this. perform everyday. i feel so exposed and gross. my brain is plagued with repulsive thoughts and endless thoughts that choke me. i’m so embarrassed to be alive

[realbebopblues]

WOLF this is a doosie. It’s always hard to write these tbh, but this year I’m using my laptop so that makes it easier lol. I want to say that this year has been SLIGHTLY better, but from September~ onwards it’s been quite the battle... I’ll start with my accomplishments! I got a new job that pays more, left the daycare, and was able to get inot grad school! and I’ll include the fact that I got into UKLG writing as an accomplishment as well because she has definitely been a highlight. I also made it to 25!

Unfortunately, I have not been creating that much this year, so reading that I didn’t achieve the wish for myself is kinda disheartening. I drew some, but not much. I want to be able to dive back into the art world, and hopefully that is something I will be able to do in 2023. I think I’ve been using books and words as my crutch this year. I’ve bought quite a few books and downloaded many (even with zlib gone my obsession with downloading books persists). Like I mentioned, I got into the wonderful UKLG and my favorite read of the year was TLHOD. Runner up was SBB. I think reading a lot of more historial LGBT fiction has helped me as well. I worked on my stories quite a bit and I started using a journal to get my thoughts out again. Being able to express myself freely through words has been very carthartic. 

The biggest issue this year was mother’s ankle which is still healing from its break back in 2021 on my birthday. Crazy right? I know you were not expecting that at all. But because of that I have had to take on a lot, and when I was trying to balance school with work and helping the family I kind of broke? I’m still trying to pull myself out of that, but my mental health is pretty bad right now. I cry a lot and have a lot of breakdowns and am overall pretty overwhelmed and unhappy with my life right now. I don’t know if I’m on the right path and I really dislike my new~ job mostly because I feel like I don’t fit in and overall it’s an unfulfilling job! I’ve distanced myself from people and I feel like I’ve outgrown one. I’m ever frustrated these days and it makes me sad. I continue to search for comfort in words and literature, and have had a lack of motivation to draw or paint. I feel a bit lost in my life right now and my main wish for 2023 is that I can find some peace of mind and peace with my life. I want to be able to figure out what to do and gain some confidence. I guess I’m going to continue on this path because I’m not sure what else to do or if I can do anything else. I also want to move out of the house, maybe in 2023 I will be closer to achieving that as well. I think some of my frustration is because I feel like a failure in that department. 

There’s a thousand more things to say like how interested in and connected I feel to nature especially birds and bugs, but that isn’t new. I did not build a website, though that is something I would still like to accomplish in the future! Also, unfortunely I still struggle with acid reflux, sorry! 

Some good things that happened in the family: Jesse’s been better, no overdoses at least. Savannah got her license and a car. Sarah is extremely happy in her job and has so many friends now, I’m very happy for her! We took Ava on vacation this year since Sav was in London and it was fun. 

Right now you are sitting in the living room with just the pets. Jesse stopped in and said hi and bye and then went upstairs as you were writing the paragraph above. Sarah is in Lexington with Lucas, Savannah is at work, and Josh is with Ava. You are going to leave in about 40-45 minutes to spend the day with Emma! A good way to end the year :) I feel like this letter is kind of a mess, but so much happened this year and I have so many feelings. But I truly hope the years continue to ease and ease as time goes on. Life is so long, life is so short, it is your own, and you need to live it to the fullest. To the Samantha at the end of 2023: it’s okay if you can’t fulfill all these wishes, take things slow and breathe.  

to the samantha that is now entering 2020, i hope 2019 was better than 2018, but that you accomplished even more. and i hope youre enjoying a new album from miss taeyeon :)

if you rmr, right now youre in the car listening to bts w mother and savannah on your way to see your great grandmother. you have work later, but hopefully by this time you have a different job. maybe ill write more but this is it for now going into the nursing home!!!

[realbebopblues]

wow wow wow wow wow wow what a nice letter. i can’t lie this year was really bad too! but following a bad year maybe it doesn’t feel as bad as 2020 in comparison. i went thru a lot this year. my own trouble with my brother, personal anguish, family struggles. there was only one overdose this year though, and jesse seems like he’s in a better place (knock on wood). he has a long way to go, but he’s in a better place than he was last year. as for me i got my liscense, got a car, got a new job, painted and drew so much, wrote some too (even started a new story!). i accomplished a lot, but i’m still not where i want to be and even though i accomplished many of my goals i still was in a deep pit of horrible mental health for a good portion of this year. sad to say. but i’m chugging along with creativity as my main motivatior and will to live. i have a deep intense desire to create whether it be visual arts or writing. i love it and will continue to fight for it. i read a lot of mary oliver today. yes i got into poetry on the last day of the year. she has made me feel very cleansed and long for a life of my own where i can see past this house. so yes currently you are reading winter hours. what’s next? idk!

I don’t want to say anything about this coming year. I don’t want to jinx myself. Though, I can’t help but wish that it will be better than this year. I want to continue to grow, continue to create, continue to come into my own person. I’m working on going back to school. I’m trying to calm myself. Savannah got a camera so she’s going to help me build a website. I’m so fascinated by the creative world and I want to be a part of that flow. My wish for 2022 is for you to keep creating, keep going, trust yourself. Do what you think is right for you and do what you want to do. Continue building a life you want to live. We are entering a year where the state of the pandemic is all over the place. GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

Currently you are sitting in the sunroom. You don’t work holidays anymore. You are in front of the tree. The ladies of the family are on the living room, two watching a space kdrama. You have a little left of winter hours that you’re happy to finish because your (adjusted) reading goal will be completed. You have bad heartburn/acid reflux rn, but with the vow of never eating cow again, and taking medicine now, I’m hoping that gets better for you. IF I LOOK ON HERE NEXT YEAR AND ITS STILL BAD ILL BE PISSED. Anyways this letter is a mess, but I wanted to respond now. Again I’ll say good luck and keep chugging. You can do this <3

to the samantha that is now entering 2020, i hope 2019 was better than 2018, but that you accomplished even more. and i hope youre enjoying a new album from miss taeyeon :)

if you rmr, right now youre in the car listening to bts w mother and savannah on your way to see your great grandmother. you have work later, but hopefully by this time you have a different job. maybe ill write more but this is it for now going into the nursing home!!!

[realbebopblues]

dear end of 2019 samantha, 2019 was hard yes, but it was also one of the better ones. 2020 was genuinely the worst year our life. so much has gone wrong so much has been mentally debilitating. words cannot describe the pain you felt this year from yourself and because of the struggles within the family. the pandemic was a huge contributor, but not for everything. i do have a clearer idea of what i want to do, i haven’t accomplished everything i wanted to and i’m still at wa//lgreens but one can only blame the weight of what the year brought down. i still need to get my license/a car (tho i am an excellent driver now), get a new part time job. for career i want to go back to school for teaching, the pandemic helped me realize that. i need something stable, but creative. i want to be a writer most of all. i want to paint and illustrate as well, i bought books to help wih research. i feel like my mind has gotten even clearer because my desires have changed, but i still have a lot of issues, tho now i am willing to admit i need help and i genuinely want it. idk when i’ll be able to get there, but i’m no longer against it.

i think 2021 could be our year tho, to me 2020 was rock bottom, so now we have to move up. 2021 is year of the ox, when you turn 24. time is aligning. i still need to work on my courage and taking the starting step. i can’t be like this for forever, i have to move forward. i can only hope things will be better for the family as a whole. i truly, truly hope 2021 is good to you samantha, please don’t repeat this one in any way. this one isn’t the end it’s just a rock in your road, maybe a fire in the road. but it’s not forever, the disaster will be put out and you can continue.

it’s funny i used to talk about hating myself all the time. i think one thing i accomplished this year is moving past that. i’m not sure i hated myself in 2019, i think that’s when it stopped. but it’s strange to think about. it used to be there looming over me and now when i look to see if it’s still there, it’s just not. that feeling is gone. i am self concious, but i think that’s getting better too maybe? idk my anxiety is very bad, and i haven’t been around people as often so maybe that’s why. i think you’ll continue to get better in different ways. you’re growing. i can’t wait to see who you are by 2021, i’m hopeful and i hope that’s not misplaced. i hope i can be hopeful, i am a bit afraid as well. but i think i’m smarter than i was, i feel things connecting in my brain more easily, even rmring things better. it will be okay.

currently, it’s actually 1:30am~ and you are sitting in your bed with your new bedspread that GJ made you for helping her out so much after her surgery but also as a birthday gift. you’re listening to adieu from the cowboy bebop soundtrack. you’ve started reading the gla**ss hote**l after finishing your sta**tion eleven reread. you’ve also learned to be more critical in the way you take in media. also you’ve grown closer to people this year. it’s so late that i don’t care how messy the letter is. you’ll read it soon enough, you’ll be a stronger and wiser person i’m sure. please write more of your book and paint as much as possible. my wishes for your pleasures in 2021 are for you to create. see you in the future 💚

to the samantha that is now entering 2020, i hope 2019 was better than 2018, but that you accomplished even more. and i hope youre enjoying a new album from miss taeyeon :)

if you rmr, right now youre in the car listening to bts w mother and savannah on your way to see your great grandmother. you have work later, but hopefully by this time you have a different job. maybe ill write more but this is it for now going into the nursing home!!!

[realbebopblues]

here’s what i need to do

1. license

2. car

3. new job

4. more school

start looking into new jobs NOW and then get the license and car soon. apply to school for the spring? just start looking into it or email someone about it

[realbebopblues]

having a breakdown over whats right and whats wrong totally normal ahhhhhhhh

[realbebopblues]

commence me avoiding twitter!!!!! i jsut feel like so many people hate me and its bothering me more than it should but also i just really need fo shut up

twitter is just bad for me rn i need to clear my head a bit tho ill have to use it to contact emma but ill try to not look at the tls

[realbebopblues]

to past samantha, 2019 was one of the hardest years of our life, but I really think I’ve grown a lot. I have a clearer mind and am ready to rest upon graduating so I can figure out what I really want out of life and how to achieve it. It’s okay that 2019 wasn’t a great year because hopefully from here on out things will be better (I really think they will be!!). I also did enjoy a new taeyeon album that came out in October, it’s a really great album and definitely worth the wait after getting a single and a japanese mini from here early in the year.

Right now I’m sitting on the love seat with savannah and josh in the living room while josh plays living louder by the cab. I’m also about to go to work later which is a shame because it is truly a lovely day out. I’m also reading 1984 and it is a really amazing book. I’ll see you in 2020! And to the Samantha about to enter 2021 I hope 2020 was everything we needed and more. I hope you get your kny boxset manga and that you will actually be able to get away from Wal/greens this time! Take all the time you need.

to the samantha that is now entering 2020, i hope 2019 was better than 2018, but that you accomplished even more. and i hope youre enjoying a new album from miss taeyeon :)

if you rmr, right now youre in the car listening to bts w mother and savannah on your way to see your great grandmother. you have work later, but hopefully by this time you have a different job. maybe ill write more but this is it for now going into the nursing home!!!

[realbebopblues]

i really dont like ** and i dont know what to do like i just feel gross that i was w them for so long like i need to get far far away im just so sick of the people at school i like people but for some reason they all just rub me the wrong way and i want to get away from it all!!! i dont know what to do bc these people are already in my life and it seems like ill be stuck here for a while and im trying so hard to accept them and not feel like this but it just feels wrong and i really dont know if im on the right path for life im getting really really depressed and stressed theres too much on my shoulders i dont like this life im building there has to be some kind of shift but idk when i can make that shift happen

[realbebopblues]

if its not one thing its something else theres always something always something

[realbebopblues]

why do i have to expose myself to the world everyday why why why why why why was i cursed with existence why couldnt i have been something else or nothing at all

[realbebopblues]

i was just doing so well and now im not i just feel so embarrassed and i know i shouldnt be but i am and im scared im so scared of what to do bc i feel like nothings right but at this point i need to just choose st so i can get it over with and graduate and then ill be free to do whatever the hell

[realbebopblues]

some days i really wish i wasnt an art major and that i never met caren sometimes i wish i would have gone into writing or even something less personal lile math or history the problem here is that im so self concious, so ashamed of my inner self, that i can’t talk about it with people without shaking and cant get ideas out without feeling stupid idk why i really really dont know why but rn i feel so terrible and i want it to go away i was doing well until caren made me pick up that paper and read it aloud, letting everyone know the almost truth of my words and thoughts i want to just sit and read books forever and then whos gonna tell caren that i just want to paint whatever i like and see what happens i dont want to change my style to match someone elses and i dont have a good series idea