rebel4lyfe

[rebel4lyfe]

[rebel4lyfe]

I gave myself a break, but its time to start getting things in order. This year I am focusing on my health. More daily movements, more getting outside, more food that fuels my body.

-2024

i’m really fucking sad but i wanna learn how to be happy

2018

[rebel4lyfe]

relationship are still no where.. im not reading anymore.. maybe next year I will just let life take me where it goes. i don’t want to make a new goal.

-2023

i’m really fucking sad but i wanna learn how to be happy

2018

[rebel4lyfe]

01.09.2022.

i just opened my old ipad. I went through the photos and found everything i use to save. I had so much emotion growing up even though i suppressed it.

i also saw my old friends. it hurts a little to look at them. we were so close. i was so happy with them. so secure in them. it was genuinely people i loved.

It kills me to think of the way things played out. it hurts to be the only one who cares and the only one still longing. but i j never had relationships like that ever again. i never trusted anyone ever again. i don't know that no matter what i do, i'll ever be able to.

[rebel4lyfe]

i feel more secure with myself generally. i took the time to put myself first and push myself to be better. This year I want to try working on the relationships in my life again.

-2022

i’m really fucking sad but i wanna learn how to be happy

2018

[rebel4lyfe]

my relationships are still not at all what i want them to be. i have no security in them. maybe i could just try to find some sense of security this time around

-2021

i’m really fucking sad but i wanna learn how to be happy

2018

[rebel4lyfe]

reminder to people i care about:

im moody

i am apologizing ahead of time for this and all the damage along it brings

please be patient and know my moods have nothing to do with you. no matter how personal i may project it on to you.

[rebel4lyfe]

the opposite of love is apathy.

karen kingsbury // love story

[rebel4lyfe]

I just feel  little lost at the moment. I feel like mentally I am slipping away and back into bad habits. my relationships aren’t prospering. Between my now broken family and friendships that seem conditional or surface level. my body is getting more restless. I lose myself in moments that I am alone, yet I also feel either completely drained around other people or do a 180 and get stupidly intoxicated.  i can’t help but long for my happiness. it felt like i was on cloud 9 when i was with him. the feelings he brought out in me extended into my personal life. I was flourishing with a glow of simple joy.  it was a short ride but it was exactly what I imagined it would be like. to be normally happy.  i don’t want to put all that power into one person. its not fair. it was just the one time in my life i did feel that way. or least the first time in years. and after i had been through so much shit. i felt grown and fully ready to give myself to someone in the right manner.  i wanted it to work out so bad but it has to be just coincidence that I’m feeling bad again and he’s gone. i refuse to give that power to him and to love.

[rebel4lyfe]

Its so weird how you have had so many important and deep connections with people who now mean nothing to you. You do not talk anymore and sometimes you even leave on bad terms. Its crazy to see how some of the people who you loved the most turned around and wrecked you. or worse how you mistreated them. I normally say that I'd never want a do-over. Im happy with even the heartache because it developed me into the person I am today. But sometimes when I really look back. Like I go back and relive certain relationships and choices I made, I think about how it would have been so different if I treated people better. If i realized how much they meant to me. I i truly understood the impact of those moments and the way it could have panned out. I am sorry for those I hurt when I was hurting myself. Im sorry for the relationships I wasted because I was so blind or caught uo in something else. I wish the people I think of as I write this, knew how much I still think of them.

5/12/2020

[rebel4lyfe]

look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly

•John 7:24

[rebel4lyfe]

im having a pretty good day so i just wanted to say something because normally i only post when im not doing too hot.

its monday so i went to work and saw my kiddos. then came home and worked out. went and had dinner at a friends house. we had some micheladas and smoke a bit of weed. then watched joe rogan’s stand up.

its not just today either. I had a good weekend also. on saturday i went over to a friends house. B ended up being there and it wasnt too bad. still kinda hard, but he spoke to me and we stayed mutual which is really the best i could ask for.

still wished her cared about our friendship but thats a story for another day.

on sunday i cleaned the house a bit and did some chores outside. it was sunny and 80 with a cool breeze. i worked out and made some playlists.

its been a good few days and i hope it continues.

-4•20•2020

[rebel4lyfe]

still feeling this was. the other night it carried all the way to the next morning. 

i’ve been eating and working out 

im feeling bleh again and i hope it doest stay that long

also maybe i should eat some more

but still i hope this goes away soon

[rebel4lyfe]

people act like you can only believe in god or science.

but why cant i choose both?

why cant i believe in a god who created science?

[rebel4lyfe]

“im alone tonight, but I’m used to that. It’s just that I don’t often feel lonely.”

An Anonymous Girl // Greer Hendrixs and Sarah Pekkanen

[rebel4lyfe]

im feeling bleh again and i hope it doest stay that long

also maybe i should eat some more

but still i hope this goes away soon

[rebel4lyfe]

We all have reasons for our judgements, even if those reasons are so deeply buried we don’t recognize them ourselves.

- An Anonymous Girl // Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen