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me when i spend another day deeply depressed (i have been this way since i was 11 years old)

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also i think watching su is healing for me and my processing. unsure if my first watch of future will crack me open like it did when i was 18 or of it will heal me too.
#txt#i had gotten kicked out no shit like a week or two b4 future started airing#and it paralelling stevens childhood cptsd was too close to home i had to stop
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proud of the work ive done w my therapist because i can type these things and know w certainty i will not have a meltdown or a suicide attempt today. that it will pass and someday i will be ok.
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time for another day of getting so stoned i cant stand and going thru the motions
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rage
i hit my legs
i hit my head
i hit my fucking stupid body again
it never sleeps,
it never rests
and im going to hit it again
hitting my body
provides the only release
hitting my body
proves it wont get to me
hitting my body
hurts endlessly
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so so so so so so so so so beyond fucking tired. nobody will fucking help me theough it no med will either. ppl in my life could not comprehend having a body that hates you so much it's constantly aching and zapping and burning and then when you try to sleep? try to get some sweet relief? doesnt let you. DOESNT LET YOU!!!! strongest sleep meds in the world, feeling's so damn drowsy and my body? scoff. laughs at me. says suffer cunt and keeps me awake. keeps me awake. keep sme awake.
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idk how to take this shit anymore dude anyone else barely sleeping for 5 yrs straight and getting worse health issues with time and doctors just shrugging 🤷♂️ would have killed themself already
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once again trying to find the humor in my body refusing to sleep when i need it most of all ❤️❤️❤️
#txt#my body: oh ur gettjng up at 7 am? ill make sure insomnia striked at 3 or 4 👍#just falling alseep? ur boyfrend WILL coincidentally move around right this moment only and wake you up:)))#lke jfc man#its alwYs when i have to get up at 7 and commute an hr for physical therapy#its 4:40 and ive been thrashing awake for almst an hr#and im trying to hard not to have a meltdown abt all this and just be ok with it but im fucking not i perhaps want to sleep MAYBE!!!!!!!!!!!
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How to Finish
I drew this poster for Jon Acuff and his FINISH book tour. Big thanks to Jon for this collaboration, his book has some great ideas about how to complete creative and life goals.
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