recovery-status

[recovery-status]

I had my suspicions that something was up. But me being so naive and a dumb bitch, I didn’t want to believe it. I thought that if I just ignored the signs, it never happened, things would get better he would love me better this time yada yada yada. All the bullshit I would tell myself in order to keep my sanity. One night I had a feeling I just need to check his phone so i can could either A) Stop overthinking and making up senerios in my head of what maybe happened  and B) Stop assuming shit so i could be at peace.... The texts I read that night, broke my heart. I could literally feel my heart breaking in my chest. I didnt want to wake him up and start a fight right away, i ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there and cried for a long time. Replaying the messages to his ex telling her, he will always love her, i am crazy, him wanting to get back with her, etc. His ex stood up for me telling him to stop, telling him to be loyal to me because she could see how much I loved him. I read the messages from one of his buddies talking about some party they had went to the night I got admitted into the psych ward. I was so dumbfounded over the fact that his girlfriend just got admitted to a hospital and you are out there fucking around with God only knows who, doing God only knows what. Of course, he started crying and bed and pleaded for me to forgive him. Told me he was under so much stress, and wasn’t thinking clearly. My dumb ass forgave him. Little did I know that wasn’t the first time nor the last that shit like this would happen. The drinking and going to parties together continued. My mom never really allowed alcohol into her house especially since I was under age, but that didn’t stop us from sneaking it in. I could go on forever and ever about the shady shit that happened into this relationship, but it’s really something I dont like to relive because it brings up so many different negative emotions. But this is part of my story, and part of the reason why I chose to do some of the things I did. Thanksgiving that year, 2016 I thought everything was getting better, I was proved wrong once again by finding out that when he would leave my house, he would go to another girls house and we all know what happened there.

We ended up breaking up further down the road. I was so heartbroken and emotionally not okay. I met him in a random parking lot and once again, I sat and cried and begged him not to leave me. 

[recovery-status]

Psych unit visit #1

This is where my story gets dark. But don’t worry, there’s a good outcome to be told eventually. I had gone to a therapist here and there before, but was intimidated because fuck boy said “youre going to see a shrink?” And then laughed in my face. After that i stopped going. I had things over time built up that were never processed, that I finally cracked and exploded. The first night I was inpatient in a psych unit, they didn’t have an available bed on the floor I was originally supposed to be on. So I was in 2 east which is where ( I dont want to use the term crazies cause i feel that, that name is degrading..) So lets just say that it was the unit that I shouldn’t of been on. They make every patient do a skin check when you first arrive, just going over your history and they document ever scar on your body weather it was self afflicted or not. The nurse that was on staff that night, i could clearly see how uncomfortable she was not with me per say but around other patients, that didn’t help. I was so scared I cried for hours my first night. My mom came to visit me the next day, I begged to let her take me home but her being the great mother she is, kept me in there with good intentions of me getting the help I needed. I couldn’t get mad at her for that... I don’t remember how long I stayed in that unit, i dont think it was much longer until I was transferred to upstairs. I got there when everyone was downstairs in the cafeteria for dinner, so that put me in panic mode not knowing how it was going to be if at all any better. The way that hospital worked was, until you met with your doctor, you had to wait to get privileges in order to go to the cafeteria. When everyone returned, a big relief came over me. They were people struggling with the same things I was struggling with. I was no different than anyone, we were all in the same boat. I found comfort in that, they were all so welcoming and nice which made things a lot easier. Again, I dont remember how long I stayed I dont think it was long. I had phone calls every night from my parents, grandparents and even fuck boy every now and then. I had to memorize his number because he wouldn’t contact me unless I reached out first. One of the nurses pulled me aside and just started to ask me questions about how I was doing, what I was in for etc. She was so lovely and I could tell she genuinely gave a shit. “I am really happy that the gun safe was locked the other night. I am so glad you are still here” I instantly felt a warm feeling at the fact that someone I had just had a brief conversation with, saw something in me to be able to say that. God, I wish i remembered her name I still think about her sometimes and hope she is doing well, i will never forget that. The day came to be discharged, I was so caught up in the idea of leaving I didn’t really take anything in. When I left my mom, step dad, and ex came to pick me up. We went to a really nice restaurant downtown. When the waiter asked us what if we were celebrating anything to where i said “yeah me getting out of the loony bin” My mom didn’t find that funny.. Sorry, too soon. lol my ex comes home with us and shortly after is when I started to find out some shit. Stay tuned.

[recovery-status]

(PART 2)

When I moved up to my moms, I was still with fuck boy. At the time we did part time living at my house and part time living at his house. July 2016 I had gotten my first official job with a healthcare company doing patient registration. I started to feel like a big girl, doing big girl things, making my own money. I had caught on quick, and was very comfortable with my colleagues. From what I can remember, this is when things began to get rough. To save time, i am going to just go over a few things i went through. Keep in mind, none of this that I am putting out there is for pitty. I dont need that. I am just telling my story exactly how it happened. It’s not talking shit if these are facts. There were three things that happened that at the time, I didn’t know what was going on but as time went on and even after the break up, I had put two and two together and really realized what a piece of shit I was with. My ex and I had been going through some rocky things but this day something was really off. He had just gotten off of work and took me to get something to eat. He had explained to me that his sister and a few of her friends were in his words, “going to Vegas and one of the friends needed someone to stay at her house for the next couple of days to dog sit.” I was taken back because in my opinion you don’t need to spend days there, just check in every now and then to take care of the damn dog and leave. We got into a fight over that. Later that night, I go to an old high school friends house to hangout (drink) and I get a facebook message from my ex that my jealousy was too much to handle, that we need time apart and that he needed time to think. I was so sad all night after reading that. I am sure i killed the buzz. Few days go by, he’s barely talking to me but eventually he apologizes for being an ass swears up and down it wont happen again and we get back together. (I’ll come back to this) 

Few weeks go by I move on from what happened, everything is fine whatever. I am at work one day working a 12 hour shift, I don’t remember what sparked this argument but something got brought up and shit hit the fan. Not sure what was all said on both sides, but I remember how it made me feel. I was so fixated on arguing with him over text that time went by so fast because i wasnt paying attention to anything else. Before I even clocked out for the night, he had basically told me to fuck off he was with his “boys” drinking because i made him so upset. He was very good at not taking accountability for what he had done, blaming it all on me, and then just disappearing and ghosting without anything being resolved. After the anger left, the sadness came. I was scared that I had just ruined us, that he was going to leave me & that he would never talk to me again. So stupid. I originally had plans to go over to a friends house to hangout after work, and on my way there I had finally gotten ahold of him Parked on the side of the road on some random ass street, I was begging and pleading sobbing for him not to break up with me. Meanwhile my friend is on the other line blowing my phone up asking where I was. The phone call was just me in hysterics and silence on his end. I dont understand why my mindset went to “I want to die” mode but it did. That was the first time i had really expressed suicide idealization. I was telling him exactly what I had planned on doing to accomplish my thought. It was simple, I was going to go to my step dads gun safe and pull the trigger. Thats the thing I hate about myself, once I have an idea I am obsessed with it good or bad. I make my way home he’s trying to convince me not to do it, saying he loves me and hes sorry just shooting bullshit in my ear basically. I firmly believe I was being watched over that night because the safe that was always unlocked, was locked that night. Somehow in the midst of all the mess, he finally let me pick him up. I get to where he’s at and we make our way to his house. What I didn’t know was that he had texted my mom “concerned” that something was going to happen. I found out early the next morning when she was at his front door looking for me. I have never seen her so worried and sad in my life. To this day i regret putting her through that. She instantly took me to the hospital. She worked in the Emergency department at the time, and was able to contact one of her co workers and they got me in through the back and put me into a room. She took my phone from me, and the social worker greeted me as soon as I walked in. I broke down and was all sorts of emotionally drained. I explained to him the situation I was in, and the plan that I had tried to act on. The doctor comes in the room and after his evaluation, made a decision to admit me into inpatient. When I heard those words, my heart dropped. I was so scared of the unknown. My mom was in and out of the room that whole visit because she couldn’t keep herself together. I broke my moms heart that day. 

[recovery-status]

(PART 1)

I call this portion of my life that i am about to share the grey area. I don’t remember much my mind is so foggy everytime i come to this place. I feel like i dont remember much because i have chosen to block it out because it makes me so uncomfortable to revisit. My first year in college, my family owned and rented out college housing. The girls that stayed in this house, for some reason or another really didn’t like me. One of them being my exs sister. I would admit to any of my wrong doings but i can honestly say, I do not know what i did to make them hate me so much. Very quickly my house was well known to everyone as the party house. How am i supposed to be a snitch and tell my family what was going on behind closed doors when I was part of the scene too? (It effected my grades horribly, i was enrolled in school... But I never attended) So I kept my mouth shut. By the grace of God I had gotten sick with pneumonia one weekend, and was basically bed ridden. That particular night, the party at my house got busted. Most of everyone that was there when the cops came, got into trouble and some even ended up going to jail. I felt lucky in a weird way because i wasn’t apart of it, but i also felt super guilty that I hadn’t said anything to anyone sooner. A few days pass and my aunty and uncle (who was renting the house out) came over and explained that after the semester was over, none of us were able to return due to lease violations. Thanksgiving and Christmas break come and go, i am spending just about every weekend up north with my boyfriend at the time and family. Spending a lot of time at my exs house made me uncomfortable at first knowing his sisters didn’t like me, but eventually i just stopped caring. The drinking and partying didn’t stop. I was at a very weird time in my life, trying to figure out who my friends were and where i fit in. Before I was in college I was for sure that i knew what i was doing and who I was doing life with, but times change. I was back to square one. Fast forward it is now time to come home from Christmas break. I had gotten a room in my friend at the times apartment and was so excited thinking everything was going to be great. I was motivated to redeem myself from the semester before, but of course nothing changed. The only thing that really changed was some of the people i was associating myself with. The drinking within my group became so bad that they were pouring alcohol into water bottles and went to class. I had met this guy and we became good friends instantly. He was always at my apartment hanging out  with all of us, I really considered him to be a close friend. Things started to shift towards the end of the school year.. He was drinking and using drugs day in and day out for weeks at a time. I couldn’t even hold a conversation with him, he was so plastered all the time. The day after we got out for summer break, he went into the emergency room with chest pain, and never came out. Later on found out that he had strep throat as a child that didn’t get treated properly which in result effected his heart. He had to get some sort of valve put in, and with all the damage being done and not taking his meds or going to doctors appointments like he was supposed to.. his heart couldn’t handle it anymore. This was the first death that I had ever been through, that hit close to my heart. We all drove 5+ hours to get to his hometown to attend his funreal. I was feeling so upset and broken. I had just lost someone who I was close to, and didn’t know how to process it. Shortly after, i moved up north and stayed at my moms house.

[recovery-status]

Toxic.

Summer of 15′ I had thought I had fallen in love. This relationship had red flags from the start, but I was so blinded by all the love and attention i was getting at the time, i ignored it. He was so good at making me feel super loved & then super shitty all within the same hour. So much shit happened that the person I am now, would not tolerate any of it. But this was my first “grown up relationship” and i thought I was so in love that i let him treat me horrible. And I let him manipulate him. I get into more things that happened between us later on, but this is just to give a little insight on how things were. This toxic relationship continued while I was doing my first year in college and lasted for a little over a year.

[recovery-status]

At first, partying was really the only thing to do in the small town we were in. (my mindset back then) We thought we were the shit because we did it every weekend and never got caught. It was a self esteem booster to be under the influence because I wasn’t so shy and more outgoing. Not all drinking experiences were bad from high school and up, that’s one of the things I still struggle with is I still hold onto the times that weren’t horrible and think to myself “I can still drink. As long as it doesn’t get out of control” WRONG. I had to slap myself out of that mindset real quick. There is no such thing as just “one drink” for me. I will never be able to drink again simply because once I start, I literally do not know how to stop until im hunched over the toilet vomiting my brains out. And even then, sometimes I still don’t stop drinking. I felt so invisible when it came to partying and drinking, I seriously thought no one but the friends i partied with knew. My best friend still to this day, held parties at her house constantly, if I wasn’t at her house we were all up in the mountains at my other friends house partying. It got to a point where we were switching on and off. However, we weren’t too smart about partying at my best friends house because next door was our track coaches house. He ended up pulling my two best friends and i aside after practice and gave us a big speech about how we are going down the wrong path, he should kick us off the team, blah blah blah. I literally walked away from that meeting asking my friends “So what time are we drinking tonight?” I didn’t give two fucks about what anyone had to say about what I was doing. At the time, I was happy and I kept holding onto that. Fast forward we are just a couple weeks shy of graduation, we were all failing classes. I was busting my ass off just so i can graduate. I didn’t care if I had C’s or not. As long as i was able to walk across that stage, i didn’t care. Graduation night finally came, my party friends and I were all sitting next to each other counting down the hours until we could let go and party. There were group texts being sent around about where the after party was going to be, that’s all i could focus on. Funny background story, the place we were going to have the bonfire ended up getting rained out. So I told everyone that we were having the party at my best friend Diana’s house without her knowing and that started a whole other project X situation. More people came to the party then I originally had thought, luckily her dad was fine with it and that’s where the night took off. We laugh about it now and joke that if it weren’t for me, we never would’ve had a good night. I don’t remember much about that night clearly, other than just a drunk bunch of teens in this big house filling literally all the rooms in the house. Got people hotboxing the bathroom, shots in the kitchen and beer pong in the living room. Morning time comes and at this point we are all so hungover we don’t know who is all in the house. After waking up, we all hopped in my friends truck and went to Mcdonalds looking busted as fuck. My poor mom had to come pick me up from my friends after, im sure i reeked of alcohol and weed but oh well! I justified it by it was my last hoorah with all my friends before we all go our separate ways so it was okay. Summer comes and this is when things really started to escalate. I had made a few friends that were older than me, they were staying in college apartments  and once again that is all we did. Instead of just on the weekends, it became a whenever we wanted to type of thing. Again if we weren’t at the house partying, we were at some randos bonfire. Looking back some of the people i had met and associated with while drinking, I had put myself in some pretty scary situations. Thank God nothing bad ended up happening. but there was always potential because im an idiot and once again didnt care. How we never got caught partying at the college apartments is beyond me. We were so loud and obnoxious all hours of the night we were basically asking to get caught at that point. I felt like i had so many friends and like i fit in somewhere that I wasn’t about to let that go. That summer was one of the best summers I think I have ever had. 

[recovery-status]

17

I was 17 years old when i had my first drink. And it is so interesting to me because i can tell you the exact time, date, who i was with, the emotions felt, everything leading up to my first time. I was a Senior in high school, i had just had my first “heartbreak” I put air quotes around the word heartbreak because to me, high school relationships aint shit. The “heartbreak” i was experiencing ended up being one of the best things to ever happen to me lmao but anyways, I remember i was so over all the bullshit i was going through. My mom and step dad were separated, my mom was commuting constantly back and forth from up north to the small town we were living in, my mom, little brothers and I were living with my grandparents, I was still trying to figure out who I was, and what my purpose was, etc. It had all gotten to be too much for me. It was two days before Christmas Eve, my best friend and I were at my house eating dinner and this brilliant idea of we should go up the mountain in my friends truck and cruise main came to mind so that’s what we did. All throughout high school I was the goody good of my friend group, I didn’t dare touch drugs or alcohol up until this night. I was with my friends and i had a second brilliant idea and that was to say fuck it and drink. My two friends I was with was so shocked that i wanted to, they weren’t about to pass that up. So we made it back into town and ended up getting drinks from our other friends older sister in the Walmart parking lot (very classy I know) but us being 17 years old, we didn’t have any other way of getting it so this method would have to do. I remember we had gotten Reds, at first I couldn’t stand the taste, i made them take me to Top Stop down the street, and get a chaser to chase my beer with. Lmao I don’t think or I don’t remember getting drunk that night, just because I couldn’t stand the taste. But that night was the starting point of a long 5 year alcohol addiction that completely spiraled out of control.

[recovery-status]

This is a start to an unfiltered story of my life of sobriety & how i got to where I am at now. I post everything that’s on my mind. Pictures, journal entries, my story, everything. It’s all in here. This is my safe place.  I will not say sorry for feeling the things I have felt, What I will say is I am writing this for the soul purpose of not only to have it for myself, but to also share in hopes of inspiring others who are maybe struggling in some of the same ways i have. Shit was rough, and it stayed rough for 5 years until i finally said enough was enough. Here we go.