redvelvetarcaneee

[redvelvetarcaneee]

Can't really function well during work hours because I'm always not well rested. My sleep gets interrupted every time my daughter's skin itches. I feel bad for her skin asthma and also myself as I don't get proper sleep. Always fighting sleepiness in work is a struggle. Haha. On top of that, our office reeks of smell of dust from old case files and for that reason I can' t breathe properly. My nose and lungs are congested.

July 03, 2025

[redvelvetarcaneee]

regret is still crippling in even after having made peace with the fact that I did not give my best during my second review for the bar exam. i really hated myself for that and still hates myself for it. you really reap what you sow, so this is the consequence of taking for granted the chance i had to change the trajectory of my life. si oa. but in alll seriousness, i should've gave my best not only for myself but also for my parents.

July 1, 2025

[redvelvetarcaneee]

I feel terrible for not praying the obligatory prayers but I keep on failing to do one. I'm writing this btw during work hours because I really feel terrible and guilt is eating me up. I'm struggling to do better and be better. I really need to improve my way of life. I have all this because of my Creator. I need to get my shit together. Be good at work, daughter, mom and a wife.

Self please do better.

June 30, 2025

[redvelvetarcaneee]

I've always been struggling with my faith. Inconsistencies in my prayers, laziness shortcomings and a lot more. Just now, I came back to praying again. It feels good and I hope I can be consistent with it. All my sins are eating me up. The guilt of abandoning my prayers, not seeking additional knowledge about my faith. Everything. I just hope and pray the my daughter will grow up a pious woman.

June 29, 2025

[redvelvetarcaneee]

My workmates sometimes subtly talk about me even if I'm in the same room as them. Mind you, these are adults in professional setting. They use another dialect whenever they do it and I can of understand it. I'm relatively new in my work so I think that's why they are comfortable making side comments about me. I'm just minding my own business and doing my work yet they still have something to comment about. Saying I'm "too masipag daw" LOL What am I suppsed to do? Do a cartwheel? Slack off? I don't report to them so whatever. Workmates are not friends so they are being aholes.

I'm just going to mind my business until my contract ends so fuck them. You just feel it in your guts whenever someone talks about you. Yeah. they smile at you or make small talks but they are still practically strangers. It just happened that you work in the same place. Hate is a strong word so I just don't like them anymore. They were so nice to me during my first week and now they talk about me. It boils my blood whenever I remember it but I have to let it go already as they don't contribute anything in my life.

June 29, 2025

[redvelvetarcaneee]

I finally have a job!!! So grateful. Alhamdullilah.

I've been praying so hard during the month of Ramadhan. Tawakkul really works. Just pray and surrender everything to the Creator. I feel bad and guilty that I stopped praying 5 times, again. I'm having a hard on being consistent with it. i started my job last week, June 16, 2025. I was so nervous as I haven't used my brain productively for more than a year. My workmates are nice and my boss is also nice. I passed my first work and it was nerve wrecking. Haha. I work in court, btw. Everything still feels surreal. It's so nice to finally have a job. It's only a contract of service but hey at least I got one.

I miss my daughter during workdays and I'm grateful for my mother-in-law who watches my child while at work, as well as my husband. It also awes me how inside pf the court works. Like how it takes a case to go on for so long. This can be another motivation for me to take the bar exam again in the near future but I need to save money first and be financially stable for daughter.

I'm just so happy. The only problem for now is that I am always sleepy at work!! Haha. My body is still adjusting to be functional and productive during 8-5 because when I was still a stay at home, I just tend to my child and sleep. It's only my third week though. My body well get used to it eventually.

June 26, 2025

[redvelvetarcaneee]

made a new tumblr account because i cant open my previous one. it has a lot of memories in it and im kinda sad about that.

hi! today's 17th of May . my 29th birthday. nothing's changed, no damn progress at all but hey I passed my civil service after nth time of taking it. Alhamdullilah. I guess that's a start of something.

sucks though for being still unemployed for almost 2 years after giving birth. as well as my husband. it's so damn frustrating that the both us are unemployed yet has a child to provide for.

sometimes i think that this is my punishment for disobeying my parents. man, i cry about that all the time when i get the chance.

i feel so selfish for letting myself get pregnant without establishing my first such as being financially independent and passing the bar. i feel bad about that everyday. my daughter deserves the best.

i get envy sometimes to those who have provider husband. its a man responsibility to lead and provide the family. i always include in my dua that my husband will be like that. like the soonest. haha

its also frustrating that this marriage has no progress at all. we are fucking unemployed. my parents are the one who is supporting us.

it sucks everyday. but i pray that our situation will change for the better.