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yo #wtf

Jonice Webb, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect

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kitten I’ll be honest the finality of everything in this world haunts daddy like a second shadow

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FRUITCAKE (2023)

happy december 1st!

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my two fav girls <3

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"it gets easier with time" have you ever considered I want it to be easy now?

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I could spend all day reading or I could spend all day deciding what to read and never actually read

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i see beauty in everything except me

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Or was my rage my mother's? Or her mother's? Or hers? An inherited creature?

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They say even the proudest spirit can be broken… with love.

CORALINE (2009) dir. Henry Selick

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A Thirst To Suffer; The Inclination To The Tragically Beautiful

“Man, the bravest of animals, and the one most accustomed to suffering, does not repudiate suffering as such; he desires it, he even seeks it out, provided he is shown a meaning for it, a purpose for suffering. The meaninglessness of suffering, not suffering itself, was the curse that lay over mankind so far.” - Friedrich Nietzsche, “On the Genealogy of Morals”

      I believe that my pain is what makes me a good person. For years, I've clinged on to my illnesses and sufferings knowing that they're the part of me that taught me survival, unconditional love, and the nobility of self-sacrifice. This led me to desire the very thing that may kill me - a dagger to my heart yet a badge of honor that I so badly want. The blatant irony of this yearning made me question my own intellect; what do I find beautiful and noble in the act of suffering and despair? Am I truly that desperate to be a paragon of self-sacrificing womanhood? 

     Although feeling alone with my thoughts, I was surprised to find out that this desire to suffer actually has its roots in early history. In his book titled “On the Genealogy of Morals”, Nietzsche states that the concept of ‘good’ was originally synonymous with the traits that aristocratic nobles possessed, such as bravery, wealth, strength, and physical health. He also cited etymological evidence - ‘gut’ being German for both ‘good’ and ‘man of godly race’. From this aristocratic framework of goodness, the concept of evil and bad emerged as the opposing traits of this ‘good’, which are the ones that are closely related to the traits that the common people had. Eventually, the common people constructed their own morality system of bad and good. To them, evil was associated with all the traits that aristocrats possessed and praised; wealth, power, and pleasure were now defined to be evil. Consequently, their version of good is the exact opposite of their bad. To be good is to not yield power, wealth, and strength, as manifested in a great multitude of religions today. To make it short, Nietzsche claims that human beings purposely subject themselves to pain in order to be considered a good person.

     Each of us are aware that suffering will always be relative to our humanity - almost as if it is woven in our DNA. Thus, to experience pain is inevitable, but to inflict this pain upon ourselves gives us a sense of control and self-mastery over our existence. Not only that, we solder moral values in self sacrifice and suffering, giving meaning to our pain. In Victor Frankl’s Logotherapy, the will to meaning is humanity’s main motivation to live, and to endure suffering. This suggests that suffering ceases to be suffering in the moment that meaning is tied to it. 

     I won’t deny that the fractures in my soul make me feel special. I admit that I view my pain to be poetic and beautiful as a way to cope with how much of it has eaten me alive. Everyday I offer myself like a cake to be cut and devoured by those I love; because maybe then I’m not only damaged - but rather a shattered mirror of nobility and devotion. I run away from worldly pleasures in hopes of being an instrument of goodness in this world. However, I’m starting to realize that I’m seeking misery and sacrifice in order to provide myself the happiness I’m willing to give to other people. This act of self destruction that is at once gratifying is a form of sadism that I can’t seem to escape. After all, my pain is what made me a good person, and through it I’ve learned to overcome the greatest shadows by letting the light seep through the cracks of my fragmented heart.