reettotla-blog

[reettotla-blog]

I think everyone feels like this every once in a while

I am the most useless totally stupid, laziest, arrogant, confused, worthless, dumbass person I know. I mean, I am so stupid and useless that I hate myself for it. I am probably never gonna succeed at anything. It's seems impossible now. I can't concentrate, I cannot work. I am good for nothing. I am constantly sad and depressed. The only joy I find is in watching movies in which I get completely involved so that I escape my own miserable self.

I am so miserable, I have a great life, great family, enough resources, opportunities, good friends, average to good brain, beauty and talent. My only shortcoming is myself.

I am sick of myself. I mean I don't understand how people have problems in life and overcome them. My only problem is me.

I just don't know how to help myself. I need someone to take care of me all the time, to scold me, to inspire me, so I can work hard. When I was home there was nothing I couldn't do. I was a different me. I am such a cry baby. I don't deserve this life. People have hardships in life they fight and triumph over. I create hardships for myself.

I feel like this so many times nowadays. All I ask for is that God make me hardworking so that even if I fail, at least I don't have to blame myself.

I keep creating excuses for myself. I am not strong, I panic at everything and I am totally sensitive in places that don't even matter. I feel my mumma is so much stronger.

There is nothing good in me. I am a blessed fool. I don't deserve my blessings. Thank you God for everything you've given me. Thank you being so warm - hearted. Thank you for always being by my side.

I guess I'll become worthy of it someday.

[reettotla-blog]

Life of a Hosteler

I really like my room when I am alone and the door is closed and I can hear the sound of the rotating fan, the wind and some birds, the distant honking traffic. I can see the moving curtains and I can feel the room kinda breath and live. And all this only when I am totally alone.

I have some kind of connection with this room 'cause I really felt free and happy and satisfied for first time when I was here. It was like I was free from some sort of evil or I don't know what ( previous roommate ). But yeah. Like this room gave me company when I needed it the most. It supported me. It was there for me.

So, even when I am alone, I feel like I have someone looking out for me. Caring about me.

Even when I had Dengue in this room and I was lying on the bed all alone with a bad fever, I didn't feel lonely. I was ill and I obviously needed my mom and medicine and stuff but I didn't feel like I was left alone rotting in my disease with no one taking care of me. This room always gives me a sense of peace and belonging. And with my roommate I feel like, she is barging into my home totally uninvited and with so much authority that I sure didn't entitle her to. I feel so helpless.

So I feel so good when I all alone and she's not here and I am happy and content.

[reettotla-blog]

She would rather walk alone in darkness than to follow anyone else's shadow. .

I feel that, women are capable of being the closest to perfect that a human can be.

They should strive but only at their own terms and not because someone else needs those qualities to accept them.

And still, arrogance must not follow perfection. Being the best version of you doesn't mean you have to be carefree, un-loving, prude. You can be utterly, deeply, vulnerably in love and still be strong and firm.

It's in the nature of a woman to be compassionate, just, enduring and dangerous, all at the same time.

She can love without bounds.

Finding a woman like that in your life, may she be your mother, sister, wife, friend, is a blessing. .

Find that woman. Be that woman.

[reettotla-blog]

This was a Darling stray pup. The first thing I'd do in the morning was to feed him. One morning all 5 of these came into the house. I was overwhelmed. One of them wandered inside and was observing something. I whistled to call him back, and he ran back instantly, unlike my expectations. It was a lovely moment and I can still reminisce that scene when I close my eyes.

These darling pups.

A few nights after that, a rabid dog killed them all. Everyone in the neighborhood was sad. But we moved on. I was heartbroken for a few days, but I moved on as well.

Now when I look back, I only have the best happy memories. These fill me with eternal joy. Joy of life, Joy of innocence.

[reettotla-blog]

The courage of Innocence 💫

I saw this video on YouTube where a young 7-day old bison calf, separated from his herd and mother, stranded alone, bravely fights a predator wolf. He fights because he is innocent enough not to realise that he has no reasonable chance and the fight is almost one sided. But his courage was uncompromising.

It bought him enough time that his mom came to rescue.

When I look at this beaver, I feel like he must also be doing something of that sort. Standing against an extremely strong enemy, because sometimes you have no option but to face life head - on, with unyeilding courage.

[reettotla-blog]

Hey, there is nothing much I'd like to say today. I mean, life's the same. We all have our struggles, mine being the same and again. To study for enough hours. To convince myself. I am almost failing like always but at least I am trying. I am better than before, I can give myself some credit.

It'll take some time but I'll soon become a more positive, focussed, diligent and hardworking person. I just hope I only go on an ascending slope from now on and become a better person everyday.

Anyway, amm the other day I was talking to my family and I said that everyone has a lot of ambitions in life but in most cases, say only 10% of them get fulfilled and even if all do, you'll soon have new ones. Sometimes you find what you were looking for in the long run but you can definitely not predict what'll fit in when and how you'll achieve your goals and stuff.

So, you should not really reveal your expectations and ambitions to just anyone because you can never know what's gonna happen. You might get more than you ever expected and sometimes you may not get the simplest of things.

My brother really agreed to this. He has always been this kind of person, who likes his personal space but not in an arrogant way, is very reserved and does not share much. Speaks less about himself and his feelings.

While I have never been able to contain my feelings. I have been outspoken about my feelings. I have always stuck to my previous beliefs and everything but somehow here, I feel like I was stupid and naïve. And on the other hand, my brother always knew that it was best to shut. Maybe he also learned this the hard way. I mean I didn't learn it the hard way or anything. Just a bit of insult here and there😂.

The good thing is I am learning and growing and I hope to mature into a hardworking, successful, wise individual.

I have always felt like, we should never consider anybody foolish for whatever they say because I have said foolish stuff that I never meant but said because I was concious and confused and wanted to look otherwise, confident.

I have always prized my thinking of being totally non judgemental for at least what people say. I don't judge people even if they talk about their crazy ambitions or anything. I feel like, judging them about that just proves that I am insecure.

On the other hand, disclosing your ambitions is like disclosing private information which you really don't want to be discussed and laughed upon by others which mostly everyone does.

So even if you don't judge others, it doesn't mean nobody else could judge you. And this world, with survival of the fittest, you really can't expect people to be as nice as you might consider yourself. So keep your emotions to yourself and find people who you can trust and love and who love you back for the safekeeping of your feelings.

For there is nothing else that makes us more human than our feelings, they are our most prized possession. They make us, us.