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Tuesday 4th October 2022, 22:55pm
Farewell Grandad
Grandads funeral was held today and I am so mixed with emotions of; joy, relief, fustration and tiredness.
It’s been a very gruesome and taxing few weeks and even months. I am happy that my mum and aunty can finally be at peace and my grandad is resting peacefully. I am relieved that this day has come and is over, it’s been so daunting to think of today but I’m happy it happened how it did.
I am frustrated that my aunty does not get the credit she deserved and my uncle and his kids did nothing at all. They didn’t care for grandad until it was too late but they want to cry and showcase how sad they are. It’s too late now, bunch of actors.
I’m not going to go deep into that, let’s sign off with a positive note.
Rest on leave grandad. I’ll see you again one day, but for now, you go and enjoy your time with your family and relatives. Eat, drunk, smoke as much as you want, just be happy.
I will always love you and miss you.
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Saturday 24th September 2022, 07:22am
Hello darkness my old friend
Since my grandad passed away everything has felt so strange. I tried to reach out to T for a phone call conversation and she initially said she was willing but then retracted her statement saying she is happy how we are right now and don’t want to ruin it. The other girl I’ve been seeing has cut ties with me too. I don’t get it, I can’t seem to keep a relationship going. I’m so useless. I’m so alone.
I woke up feeling suicidal again, I don’t know what to do… please can someone help me, does it get any easier ? Everyday hurts and I feel so alone… I wanna kill myself
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Wednesday 14th August, 00:42am
Goodbye Grandad
My grandad passed away yesterday. I’m happy that he passed away peacefully and painlessly with all his family members around him.
My uncle called my mum around 9:15am saying that grandad is dying and we rushed over. I know how emotional and panicky my uncle is and told my mum that grandad is fine. We arrived and grandad’s oxygen levels and heart rate was low but recovering, we need he could go any minute. We called all the family to come and I’m glad they arrived on time to see him. When my brother and cousin arrived, grandad opened his eyes widely and kept them open, at that moment I knew his time was coming. His eyes are usually shut but I could tell he was forcing them open to get one last look at us all. He took one deep breath and he was gone, I couldn’t find a pulse and broke down. I tried soo hard not to cry but tears kept flowing down without control.
Grandad had always been strong and was fighting to see us all for that one moment. Everytime he came over he would get emotional and cry about how happy he is that we’re all such a close and loving family. He’s taught us love and we will never forget it. We all say how much of a drama queen he is because he kept complaining but what I would do to hear him complain just one more time.
I’m sad for my Nan, she’s heart broken. We can’t do anything about it which makes it that much more painful to see.
I wish you the best grandad in your new life, enjoy meeting your parents and siblings again. And the next time we meet, I will help you mow your lawn, cut your tree down and buy you chips. Don’t you worry about Nan, we will look after her for you, I promise you.
I love you and miss you, you’ll forever be in our hearts.
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Friday 9th August 2022, 00:32am
The inevitable grief and darkness
My grandad had a seizure today and my aunty and mum thought he was gone. I don’t know how to feel anymore.
Seeing how he used to be the most funny, chatty and energetic man to how he is now is painful. He’s been deteriorating rapidly this week and don’t even remember any of us. I can see his face and he looks lost, scared, and empty at the same time.
I’ve praying everyday for him and for my Nan, aunty and mother. I can’t bare to know what would happy once my grandad passes away. They’re going to be in pieces and I can’t help them. When the nurse came and spoke about medication and the observations, I couldn’t help. I couldn’t add to the conversation, I felt so useless. I couldn’t do anything. I’m just praying that grandad gets enough rest tonight.
We all know his time is coming but we’re afraid.
I’m praying for you grandad, I’m praying for you to pass gently and painlessly. I miss you.
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Monday 1st August 2022, 00:13am
Happy 28th Birthday !
So it was my birthday yesterday. I’ve never really been excited for them because I’ve never really had friends to celebrate it with but I’m just grateful for my family.
I went bouldering with my friends and then had some lunch. Then we had dinner at my grandparents.
How do I feel entering 28 ?
Well that’s a tough question to answer. I feel very lost. Whenever I get close with someone I don’t know whether I expect too much from them or I do something to ruin the relationship, I’m guessing the latter.
A friend that I have been really excited to meet and catch up with has come back to London for a month. However, whenever I messaged her she takes few days to reply and then says she doesn’t have time. First message was asking for a quick catch up call, she said she’s busy but cab do so next month or in July when she comes back (this was the first week of April). When July comes and I ask to meet she says she’s very busy so it has to be the end of July. I messaged her on the 30th when she’s leaving and she says Wednesday and don’t have time to meet up. For some reason I want to call her or message her and voice how I feel about the situation, but I know it won’t matter because she doesn’t care. She met up with others that I would have expected to be lower priority than me but I guess I’m stupid for thinking that. If someone truly cared, they would make time ! She also didn’t say happy birthday to me so she clearly forgot or just doesn’t care. It’s the same for everyone else, they don’t response or care for me.
I was really hoping T will message me happy birthday but she didn’t. I need to move on from her but I don’t know how to. I just want to meet up and hear her talk for the last time. I miss her soooo much.
I’ve met someone who’s very similar to her and I don’t not see a future with her which is very rare. I keep asking her to meet for some cuddles but she doesn’t want to, I feel like I’m suffocating her so I’ll just back off before I ruin something good.
I need to learn how to cut off past friendships/connections. Learn to move on, learn to let go and learn to be happy.
Overall, at 28, I feel very lonely and lost with my friendships, love life, work, with life as a whole. I don’t know what to do, I keep trying to better myself but it doesn’t seem to help. I don’t know if I’m becoming suicidal again, and it’s something that only time can tell.
Good night guys and I’m wishing you all to be happy and thank you for any birthday wishes. Let 28 be a lot better than 27.
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Tuesday 31st May 2022, 09:55
Dispair
Just found out that my grandad is potentially in stage 4 of cancer. He will be going into the hospital tomorrow to begin his chemo. I’m in awe, deep inside I know he won’t have much time left. I’m just lost. I don’t want him to go.
I’ve been praying everyday since. Please god. Please can give my grandad, Nan, mum, aunty and family the strength to overcome this tough time. Please may you give my grandad enough strength to live a little longer so he can say his goodbyes and pass away with no pain and happy. Please give my mum and aunty the strength to get through this. I don’t ask for much, and I know it’s not realistic to ask for my grandad to live forever, but a just for a little more time. Amen.
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Tuesday 10th May 2022, 00:09am
Black hole with a sprinkle of numbness
Well I hope you’ve been well. Just as I thought everything was going well, something bad has to happen to counteract my fortune.
My grandparents has been very poorly, both has caught covid and my grandad was admitted into hospital. My mum said there’s a chance that he has lung cancer… I don’t know how to feel, I feel empty, I want to cry but I can’t. I don’t know what I’m going to do if he has it, when he inevitably passed away… I don’t know anymore… please help me, please lord help him.
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Monday 28th March 2022
A whole year
Just a quick update as I know I’ve been Mia. Life for me has gotten better and I’m slowly improving in my mental state. I’ve got offered a new job as a B7, I climbed from B2 to B7 in 4.5 years. I hope my mum is finally proud.
It’s been a whole year since A left and I’ve been praying for her everyday since. Where ever you are, whatever your doing, I hope your happy and you’re doing amazingly. You deserve nothing but the best and happiness. I miss you.
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Wednesday 17th November 2021, 01:08am
Barely living…
Hello guys, it’s been a while. Just like the title says, I’ve just been barely living. I’ve downloaded Hinge and met up with a lot of girls but none of them can compare to T.
I’ve even seen her on Hinge which gave me a hint of relief but also sadness as she’ll be going on dates and those lucky guys are able to talk to her. I saw her in the app, sent her a rose to ask to meet up, but… as usual there’s no response.
During the type up of the message, I was so anxious. My anxiety was kicking in, my hands were shaking, my breathing was irregular, my chest felt so tight. I manned up and sent it.
Throughout the whole day I was thinking of what to say if we met up, latching into that small hope. I thought finally, god may have placed this for me to rekindle with her….
I want to let her know how much I’ve grown as a person and I want to know how she’s been. I want to hear her voice, see her face and kiss her again. But, the elephant in the room is… she won’t respond to me, so why am I skipping ahead.
Right now, I want to kill myself. There’s no point living knowing that I’ll never see her again. I’m going up to Birmingham this weekend and I want to drink until I die. She deserves better than me, I’m useless and I’ll inevitably disappoint her, everyone and my self.
I hope to see you one day. You always have been the one and only one.
I miss you soo much.
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Tuesday 30th March 2021
Beginning of a new chapter?
Well it’s been a year since snowy passed away, well it’s actually been 1 year and 5 days. And I miss him so much. I miss A too but the difference is, I fucked up and caused her to leave.
Well enough of that. I’m decided to allow God into my, I will attend masses and read biblical books. A left her book “The untold story of saint Joseph”, she got her friend to message me to give it back to her. I will, and I’ve ordered the same book. I want to get rid of the demons in my team and find redemption and forgiveness for my sins. Please lord, guide me to a path of forgiveness.
I will pray for you and your family’s happiness, strength and safety. Every night.
I’ve also finally called up many psychotherapists to see if they’re able to help me. Called many but they either didn’t pick up or I had to drop an email. There are 2 who have potential, but I don’t know how it’s going to work. I promised A that I’ll go, so I’ll go.
I’m not even sure if I’m only doing this to tell A so I can feel that I should be forgiven or not. Perhaps it’s just a way for me to escape my wrongings...
Who knows what will happen, maybe God will give me mercy and guide me, maybe the therapy sessions will work, maybe not. Only time will tell...
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Saturday 27th March 2021
Deserved justice
A found out that I was cheating on her and broke up with me. She’s the first person I’ve told about my suicidal thoughts. And it means jack shit because I’m a fucking idiot. I fucked up... I will never find anyone as supportive and trustworthy as her.
I’m sorry A, I’ve hurt you, I’ve broken your trust and I have caused you to carry this burden to get over.
You don’t deserve any of this. You are the most amazing, most strong, most prettiest, most determined, most loving, most supportive, smartest and genuine person I’ve ever met. I know you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserved to be treated and he will forever make you happy. I’m sorry I’m not that person but I wished I could love you and give you the world.
Thank you for everything that you have done, I will forever miss you.
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Sunday 26th December 2020
“Merry” Christmas
Merry Christmas everyone! I hope everyone enjoys their day :)
Let’s skip into the nitty and gritty shall we?
I made a Christmas card and wrote a letter to my ex explaining how I felt, for closure. But I was hoping and grasping onto the thought that she will reply to me. Nope.
I miss her a lot but there’s nothing I can do. I can’t ever do anything right. Whatever, I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m just going to go to sleep.
Good night and I hope next year’s Christmas will be a lot better.
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Wednesday 18th November 2020, 01:45am
Exchanges in life
Is it weird that I’ve developed the questioning of my life; I’m always exchanging some sort of positive for another positive in my life. Whenever I have something going right, the positives in my life goes away. It’s as if I have a maximum of 5 good things happening in my life at once.
I just got my final job offer and will be starting my new role on 21st December, but then I’ve lost someone important to me... definitely not a good trade.
I haven’t even told my parents yet, there’s too many events occurring at once and I cannot even think properly for myself. I need to be strong, or at least appear strong for my family sake. It’s falling apart and I feel the burden to be the rock for them. Or am I just being dumb? They don’t need me, I’m the useless one in the family. I think I’ve derived a superhero complex in my mind. I’m not strong, I’m not responsible, I not who they think or how I portray myself as. I’m weak, I’m tired and I’m sad.
I sent a card to my friend in Australia to just have my outlet of emotions, I miss talking to her. I’ve noticed I get attached too easily. The littlest affection and I’m expecting them to be here for me whenever and constantly. What’s wrong with me ? Was my upbringing really that bad ? Was I neglected so much which caused this physiological affect ? I need help.
Please let this suffering end, I haven’t been truly happy in so long. I just want everything to revert back to 3 years ago, when everything was simple and I was happy.
Apologies for the shitty writing, I just wanted to rant right now. I’ve held so much in and it’s starting to take a real toll on me. How do I fix myself ? Would the other side be greener ? Who knows, maybe I will find out soon.
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Sunday 8th November 2020, 01:47am
No one:
2020: SURPRISEEE
Just as you thought 2020 couldn’t get any worse.
My mum’s uncle (grandad’a brother) passed away. My grandad was in really bad physical pain, he had to go to A&E and get steroids to stop the pain. My mum, Aunty and uncle wanted to wait until he got better to tell him the news about his brother. (Last time my grandad found out his brother had a stroke, my grandad passed out). However some so-called relatives called him and told him. He’s in shock and pain, both physically and mentally. I need to call him to make sure he’s ok.
My brother and his girlfriend of 7.5years has broke up. The people I thought who was made for each other. The perfect example of the dreams relationship... ended up having soo many flaws.
I had to make sure both of them are ok. After all our rifts, and knowing her for nearly 8 years, plus her living with us for 5. She’s like a older sister who I never had.
It’s just so fucked at the moment. I’m mentally shock and I still haven’t processed this he’s properly. I don’t know what to do, as per usual. You useless fuck, learn to do something. This is why I’m dumb and will forever be useless and dumb.
There’s more to this, but I’m a lazy Shithead so I can’t be bothered to type it out and I have no energy to either.
On the plus side, thank you A for the day. Thank you for enduring this burden which you shouldn’t need to. You’ve made it soo much easier for me. This pain and suffering is eased by you, thank you so much.
Let’s hope 2020 doesn’t get any worse... how could it? Actually let me take that back, there’s still 2 months left so I don’t want to jinx it. Fingers crossed it only can go up from now.
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Friday 23rd October 2020, 2:04am
Automated life
The last week has been so strange. Everything is conflicting but I feel so emotionless for some reason.
My mind and thoughts has conjoined to become this blur of a series which consists of my living days. I don’t feel alive, nor do I feel dead, I’ve gone beyond.
What do I message my friend? Should I tell her my appreciation of our friendship and then link her this blog? Does she deserve to know even though she’s never asked me how I really feel?
That’s it. All my friendships I’ve never had someone ask to how I truly felt and if I’m okay. They only ask when I start to act/reply differently and they feel that they need to ask. Why can’t it just be from a spontaneous conversion? It’s usually only me who ask them. Is it because I’m always acting so jolly? Or is it because they don’t care? Or maybe I’m just not a nice person.
Am I a nice person? I try to be, I try my best. But is it enough? I don’t know. I’ve never wanted ill intentions for anyone, and I’m always wanting my friends to prosper. But does this suffice? I’m lost and confused. I want
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Wednesday 21st October 2020, 2:53am
Burnt bridges
To whom this may concern, or those who care.
The saying, “your life is what you make of it” is absolutely bullshit. Let’s go over a quick 2020 update, it has definitely not been a great year. I’m just glad my family and friends are all healthy and alive, thank god for that.
Any whom let’s get into the juicy gossip on what’s been going on with my life.
Sit down and buckle up my friends, it’ll be a fairly quick downwards spiral.
Where do we start? Someone who I categorised as my best friend has stopped talking to me. It’s all my fault, as per my previous posts, I’m a fucking idiot. I did something to betray her trust and friendship; no one else is to be blamed but myself. It just seems as if I had taken advantage of someone’s vulnerable state, but none questioned me on how I felt. I truly believe I was vulnerable too, or am I just making up excuses? Yeah that’s probably it to be honestly, I’m just trying to make up excuses to “justify” my actions.
I’ve never told anyone about my suicidal thoughts and I doubt I will. But they had began around my birthday in 2018 and has kept growing more prominent every year, especially approaching my birthday. I think it’s the realisation that I’m getting older and I’ve done shit all with my life. I always have a reflection upon it and every year I conclude that I haven’t progressed, I’m just still the same loser year in, year out.
I don’t tell anyone because I just cannot bear the thought of someone seeing me so weak. It’s probably why I go to the gym so often, to show the completely opposite. Pretending to show people how strong I am when in-fact I’m just a scared little kid inside. It’s the same reason why I’m always trying to make people laugh. Those that seem the happiest on the outside are the most unhappy inside. I try to pretend to be this exciting, always happy, cheerful and funny guy persona because I’m afraid of what people will think if they knew the real me.
So leading up to my birthday, I had another major urge to kill myself. But when I got to know my bestfriend’s best friend, I really bonded with her by how she feels and her blog. I understood and felt every word when she mentioned about suicide too. I shared a lot of my personal issues (even those that I haven’t told anyone else) with her and it helped me take my mind off them. For that brief moment when I finally ranted and released all the built up tension, I felt free. Finally someone who I thought could understand me and how I felt. I thought that we built a strong connection; eventually I became dependent on her.
However when we both betrayed our friend, I felt that I was thrown under the bus because she was the only vulnerable one. I don’t think it’s fair, I was just as vulnerable. When I kept asking my best friend to call, she didn’t because she’s busy (I can’t complain, she’s living her best life and I want that for her) so her friend gave me the company that I needed and I latched on too hard. I don’t mind being the escape goat, as long as those two are fine. Last thing I want to do is for them to separate. I just think it’s unfair for me to take all the blame, but life is unfair.
Typing it out makes me think that I’m an idiot, I should have controlled my thoughts. I shouldn’t be such a weak minded fuck. It was me that did it, only me. I just wish she would ask me about how I felt. I’ve been contemplating if I should tell her this blog, for her to understand my feelings. But it’s too personal and too deep, it’s a burden that she shouldn’t carry. I doubt she even cares at this point. No one wants to be around me and I get it, I really do. A sad loser.
I might show her because I don’t think we’ll ever speak again. It feels a lot less daunting knowing that we’ll not meet up, so she can’t judge me in person.
If I do share it and you read this, I’ll just want you to know that I’m genuinely so sorry that I’ve let you down.
This feels like a 13 Reason Why type of vibe, ending it all and sending it out for the relevant people to read lol.
So I got that off my chest, albeit it was rushed. There was a lot and I can’t be bothered to type out all the events.
On to the next one; last week I found out that my dad had gambled away nearly £100k...
My mum asked to talk to me and she broke down telling me how my mum had gambled away nearly £100k in cash of her money. How did I take this? I don’t even know, I didn’t feel anything, I’m already so numb. I think I was more shocked about my dad not telling us, not telling anyone. It sounds a lot like me. He’s the man of the house, I’ve never seen him cry and he’s always doing soo much and working so hard. I just want to be like him... or I did when I was younger.
I told my mum not to worry, I got enough money it keep us afloat. But she was more upset with how she slept side by side, everyday with someone who lied to her and acted normal. My oldest brother had to come back home and we had a family gather up to talk about how we will support our dad with his gambling addicting. My dad said he’ll never gamble ever again, he was afraid that if he told my mum, she’ll never forgive him and she’ll be heart broken. To even my surprise, she didn’t care about the money, it was the lying. (Scary glimpse of my future?)
When she had her say, she explained that my dad was lucky that their kids are doing fine and they’re not like (she looked at me and also said my name) “their friends who don’t have good jobs”.
SHE WAS ABOUT TO SAY MY NAME, MY FUCKING NAME.
SHE CALLED ME A FUCKING LOSER.
What should I do.... I don’t even know anymore...
Form that day on, I confirmed that I’m just done with all of it. I told myself I’ll help my parents get through this period and be there for them. It’s also for my older bro, he doesn’t do well with emotions and took it poorly. I’ll ensure they’re all fine and then I’ll end it.
My life isn’t worth living anymore, I don’t see myself getting older, I’m not happy and I’m a shitty person who always fucks up.
I just want to say thank you to my girlfriend. You’re so amazing, you’ll do so well in life and deserve sooo much more.
I’m giving myself until 30 and I’ll leave, I’m not afraid anymore.
I have a garage, I could sit in my car and leave the engine running and die via carbon monoxide poisoning, that’s pretty harmless. Or should I just hang myself in a forest. So many options, but I have time to figure.
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Tuesday 18th August - 1:27am
Lost in limbo
Recently I’ve been struggling to sleep. It’s a really strange feeling when you surpass the tired stage. I’m very sleep deprived but also motivated to go to the early in the early hours.
I’m in a poor mental state and I just don’t know how to feel anymore.
Ok let’s get the bs over with, soo... I’m now one to just pour out who I am, I feel like it’ll be me jus blabbering on but also I’m too tired to type everything up. So I’ve decided to write bits of my life in parts and you can deduce my personality from the accumulative events in my life.
As of right now, my brother and his girlfriend has signed their papers for a mortgage and should have the keys by next week. My other two friends are currently looking for a mortgage. I’m just feeling like I’m lagging behind. I had a talk to another friend who’s in my field and he’s also feeling the same. At least he’s getting paid a good amount. After talking to him I’ve come to realise that I’m doing wayyyy to much for my role. So now I will be determined to finish my diploma course and get a better job... I’m hilarious.
I AM TOO FUCKING DUMB TO DO MY DIPLOMA.
Why have I started it and not carried on ? Well it’s because I’m lazy and prefer to play pc games than to secure a good future. I am lazy and useless (what’s new?).
Library’s aren’t even open so I can’t go out and force myself to study, perhaps this is just an excuse to not study ? It most likely is an excuse...
I had a really bad dream a few days ago. The setting was in my secondary school, at the back playground. And I see my ex with a bunch of her friends sitting down in a semi circle. I approach her and ask if we could talk but her friend tells me that she doesn’t want to speak to me. I get annoyed and just ignore them and proceed to speak to my ex. She tells me that she’s seeing someone right now and he treats her soo much better than I did. My heart is broken. I wasn’t upset with her seeing someone so much to her telling me that I didn’t treat her well. I let her down and it hurts me to think that.
There’s nothing I can do anyways, I can’t contact her. Or can I ?
I had devised a plan, I shall message her on ig and give her my old Tumblr account, or maybe this one ?
Or I can be romantic and write her a letter to express all my feelings to her. She’ll get emotional and realise that I am the right one after all. Yes what an amazing plan... NOT.
What a fucking loser I am.
My head is so fucked, I need to see a therapist. But would it be a waste of money ? Of course it would be, mental health is a taboo in my culture. The way I was brought up is that anything I want/need is a waste of money, thanks mum. So I always question things I buy.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this, sorry it’s so random and lacks details.
I can’t be asked to type, ughh... this is just torture. Yeah.. I’m going to wait until I can be bothered.
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