rekindlingourlove
Forever Is Over
everyone's a little dark, but I'm a forest at midnight
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Today feels like a harder day than yesterday, I don’t even know why. It’s been 39 days. I don’t want to feel a thing anymore.
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It’s been a long time since I’ve logged on here but this seems to be the only place I can peacefully put my thoughts without worrying anyone.
My heart hurts so much somedays and the thought of you literally causes me to stop breathing. I have so many thoughts of you constantly plaguing my life. So I always have to catch my breath. I still have to force fed myself once and a while because the anxiety is so bad that it doesn’t come naturally anymore. A lot of my days go by with me having at least one drink to calm my nerves, only to realize I shouldn’t be doing it. I talk to people but I’ve become a burden. They say I’m not, but they can only listen to the same record enough times before they picture themselves throwing it out a window. I know I wish I could..
My heartbeat accelerates when I finally let myself think of you. I think “how did we get here” “why does this hurt so much” “why did you give up” “am I this worthless” “how could you” It’s been a month and I still feel like we finished days ago. you’ve convinced me that I might be someone who’s easy to forget. you’ve made me question my life. Nobody knows the extent of my pain, mostly because I don’t want to scare anyone. Everyday gets harder.
I wonder if closure could do anything for me at this point. It’s not like you’d give it to me anyway. I’m so scared to run into you in person, I truly believe I’d lose my sanity completely. I’ve suffered heartbreak before but you have destroyed me like no other person ever has. I catch myself looking back on what we had, searching for signs of trouble; looking for unhappiness... I don’t know how anyone who truly loves someone could hurt someone the way you’ve hurt me. I could hate you. But I don’t. I feel like an imbecile sometimes because my mind finds ways to forgive you if you’d ever come for me again. Part of me blamed myself for a while, why did I react so hard? But then I think, why did you just let go? No call, no urgency to fix it. You couldn’t even speak to me after it all.
When I tell people, I don’t know how long I can do this for... I really mean it. this has changed me. I don’t like this new me. For my friends, I try my hardest to portray the best parts of me. ‘I’m doing okay’ ‘It doesn’t hurt as often’ ‘i’m staying busy’
I miss so many things. Random memories crawl into my mind, I can’t even listen to most music without thinking of you. I think about what we used to be a lot. I had never clicked with someone as much as I did with you. I opened up parts of my soul, I never thought I could. I opened up the ideas of you to the most important people in my life. One day I’ll know why it had to be this way.
Everything hurts. I feel like I’m dying.
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One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Do it now.
Paulo Coelho (via h-auptgewinn)
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She tastes like every dark thought I’ve ever had.
Holly Black, White Cat
(via books-n-quotes)
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I want to be with you,
it is as simple,
and as complicated as that.
Charles Bukowski (via forlornes)
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