relatablethoughtss-blog - Tumblr blog

relatablethoughtss-blog · 1 year ago

Text

Here's a 10 year update.

Well Kyra, you did move on. You actually found someone new. He was kind and goofy and different. He fought for you in the beginning- despite you not really being ready to have someone in your life. But you loved again. You loved again and this time you fell much harder and for much longer.

You grew up together. You finished school... eventually- and he was there. He supported you through nursing school and all its' stress and turmoil. He helped you pay someway through. He was there. You got your first nursing job and he was there.

You sought more independence and he was there. You moved completely out of your comfort zone and explored Whitehorse, YT and he came. It was hard. You grew some more, you had your own place. You got engaged! You glowed for months. It all felt right.

You got a dog. He was everything you asked for and more. Whiskey, he was a border collie x great pyrenees and he was ours. He was sweet and kind and goofy. He was everything. Your new family was everything.

Life got hard. And then it got harder. Your family was relying on you and you couldn't rely on anyone. Your support system was across the country and they didn't really understand what you were going through. You didn't want them to. Your relationship was in turmoil. There were questions, and jealousy and you just wanted the problems to stop. You wanted to prove your love. So you proposed a wedding. You were stupid. I don't know why you thought it would be better. I don't know why you thought it would help.

It didn't. It made it worse. It was the beginning of the end. He cheated. He gave up. He continued with unfulfilled promises and grew hatred towards you. You grew stressed shouldering the instability of finances, emotions, and physically carrying everything!!!- all without support. You felt bad for sharing your problems with people who weren't your husband, but he didn't listen. You tried so hard to be strong. You worked overtime while he sat in his own self pity.

It was time to give in, he wanted to move back. He grew darker than he ever was. He blamed you for being emotional, for being real. For asking... no begging for him to support you back. So you gave in. You gave up the home, the job and friendships. You went home. And when you did, he left. One week and one day later he took everything he valued. His belongings; which meant more to him than you and then the dog who meant the world to you. He showed no remorse. He thought of himself. He took your thirst for more from him as a reason to leave.

You did not last a year married. But you did last 8 years with him. You spent 8 years in love, fewer years in lust. You had a family and then you lost it. It's a little sad. And that you were, for a while. A long while. He asked to fix things and eventually he did regret it. But you knew. You knew it was better to be apart. You knew it wasn't working. You knew you deserved better. But what you knew did not stop the pain. it hurt- A LOT. And it still does. But it was time.

It's been about 7 almost 8 months. And you're doing well. You still think about him and whiskey and that's okay. You would be so proud of yourself. You were in the negative. It's the lowest you've ever been. But you dug yourself out and there's light now. You got another dog, Dumpling. She's the sweetest gift you ever got yourself. She is a golden retriver x great pyrenees. She's derpy and loving and has a little sass just like us. You love her and she loves you and your nanay and tatay and brendon all love her. She is family and she is yours.

In someways, 10 years later, 18 year old kyra and 28 year old kyra are in the same place. We are sad. We gave up. We loved and then were forced to direct it to ourselves. We are choosing ourselves and that's something we don't always do.

Dear 38-39 year old kyra. It feels like you're so far away but you're closer than I can anticipate. I hope that you've found yourself and love the place you are in. I hope that you have found happiness and love in yourself so much that maybe you found someone to share it with who compliments the self-love you deserve. Because we deserve a love that lasts that is respectful and unconditional fron ourselves and others! Someone who makes you laugh and shares our values. I hope that you figure out a career path that compliments you and all your values. I hope that we've solidified those values. I hope that we find love again. Because it feels part of our heart to do so.

I love me again. And I choose me. No external confirmation is required. We are beautifully flawed. We wouldn't be who we are without all the mistakes we've made. I love us, so let's make that love so big we never let someone give us less.

0 notes

relatablethoughtss-blog · 11 years ago

Text

It's the fact that despite what you've done before, i dropped my barriers and gave you my trust. it's the fact that everything that went wrong before was just things that i heard and what i had you confess. That you can work around the scenario to make the situation lighter with your lies. I believed them because I wanted to stay, it was my way of giving myself the excuse of taking you back. "It's not as bad as I thought" i would think "nothing that we can't fix" i would say. I fed the lies that you told me to myself and i repeated it to myself so that i could feel better. so that i can accept you and forgive you because that's how much i loved you.

I know i wasn't perfect. that i changed you whether it was good or bad. That I was ill tempered and I lost my patience with you. But i always gave you my loyalty. That when i did do you wrong i made sure that i was good so that i could gain back your trust. So that we could fix this.

I took you back when you did me wrong the same way I did you because who am i to judge. sure, it hurt. yes, i warned you not to seek revenge because the feeling wasn't as satisfying was one would think - despite this you did it and i still took you back.

Lie after lie, it was driving me insane. you watched me go insane and assured me there was no reason to. only to have me drop my barriers and get hurt once again.

I appreciated all the things you've done for me and have given me. i appreciate all the times you've been there for me and have made me happy but at this point in time you cause me more pain to me than happiness. If you can't give me honesty and loyalty then i don't know how we can function whether it was a relationship or a friendship.

0 notes