reluctantk - Tumblr blog

reluctantk · 4 years

Text

Falling Out with Marie

Even though I enjoyed Marie’s company there were a few things that would lead to the end of our relationship. Unfortunately, it was not the realization that I wasn’t really in love with her that lead to the end because that would be a sign of real growth and maturity on my part. Instead it was the pressure of taking our relationship to the next level and her love of leaving bruises that ended the relationship.

First, she wanted the relationship to progress faster than I was comfortable with. Marie was a French major and planned to spend a year abroad in Paris to improve her language abilities. She talked about how I could come and visit her over the winter break between semesters. I told her while that sounded like a great adventure, I could never afford such a trip. Marie responded by saying that she would pay for it, but I still declined. I tried to explain to her that such a generous and grand gesture on her part would make our relationship unbalanced and I would always feel like I owed her for such a trip. No how much I explained, however, she could not understand my perspective.

A related problem is that her family really liked me even though they did not really know me that well. They seemed to view us as a permanent couple, which was flattering, but at the same time, a little unsettling. Most parents want to really get to know the people their children are dating before giving their blessing and encouraging to take the next step. I wasn’t ready that kind of commitment given that we had been dating less than a year.

The second sign of the apocalypse of our relationship is her love of leaving hickeys on my body. I have never been a fan of hickeys because I saw them as childish and disrespectful to the person that had them on their body. I told Marie I did not like them, but she thought it was fun and funny to do. She also liked to wrestle, which I also was not a fan of. For me, relationships should involve tender exchanges and not be the rough-and-tumble play of little boys.

The end occurred one Friday night when she showed up at my dorm room unplanned and decided to take a bath. I lived in a suite with three other college students and suite consisted of two bedrooms, a living room between them, and a small bathroom that had a bathtub (but no shower). Everyone else on our dorm floor had to use the community restroom and shower room on the floor. While she was taking a bath, I felt like I was being suffocated so I called a friend and we spent most of the night driving around the city while I tried to decompress. When she got out of the bath and I was gone, she was livid. It was not my finest moment, but I just felt trapped. When I got back to my dorm room, she called me to her dorm room and we had a fight that ended the relationship.

I tried to maintain a friendship with Marie, and we did, kind of. It was really more of a superficial relationship. The next year she studied in Paris so I did not see her until my senior year. At one point she seemed to acknowledge her role in the dissolution of our relationship, but when I asked her to repeat what she said—because it came out of the blue—she just said “nothing” and changed the subject.

#relationships breakups lessonslearned

0 notes

reluctantk · 7 years

Text

Who is K, the Reluctant Whore?

I’m sure some people will find it odd and frustrating that I never identify my sex in this blog. The reason I just go by a single initial is that I don’t believe my sex is relevant to the purpose of my blog. I think, as a society, we get too hung up on things like sex and gender identity, and I want this blog to be about the mental experience of relationships, not the physical. If you think about it, the main difference between your best friend and your lover is physical intimacy. You share your hopes, dreams, and feelings with both parties, but only have sex with one of them. (Unless you have different friends than I do.)

Why do I consider myself a whore? I’m not a whore in the conventional sense (i.e., having sex with many people for just the fun of it), but I guess I’m an experience whore that is unlikely to say “no” even when I know I should. For example, one of my relationships that I will discuss in this blog is with a person who claimed we could just be “friends with benefits” because I had no romantic interest in her. Even though I knew this was a bad idea (because most people are not mature enough for this kind of relationship and end up falling in love), I did it anyway. Later, I had another friend who was attracted to me and I agreed to have sex with him even though I knew he probably couldn’t abide with the “friends with benefits” concept. I hate myself for these lapses in judgment and wish I could have been stronger at the time. The flesh seems to be too willing despite what the mind says.

I know everyone makes mistakes and no one can be perfect, but I can’t forgive myself because I’m not sure I have ever truly been in love. If any of my relationships were the result of love then it would be easier to forgive myself because love affects one’s ability to reason. As you will see during the course of this blog, I have tried to convince myself that I was in love, but upon reflection, there is typically another explanation that is more plausible.

#KtheReluctantWhore #dating adventures

0 notes

reluctantk · 7 years

Text

Meeting Marie

The first person I ever dated was Marie, whom I met during college. (I wanted to date in high school, but I couldn’t even buy a date during this time. I wasn’t a party person and did well in school, so I think that made me unattractive as a dating partner.) Marie and I met through mutual friends that occasionally ate together in the college cafeteria. I thought Marie was a nice person, but there was no initial attraction. I learned from a friend that Marie was interested in me, so I started hanging around her and we become friends.

Eventually this friendship became a romantic relationship. In hindsight, the only reason I started pursuing Marie romantically was because she was interested in me, which is a rather pathetic reason. However, at the time, I was lonely and desperate. I really didn’t have a lot of close friends and I always felt like an outcast, so I figured why not?

Marie was fun, so we hung out quite a bit. She had a good sense of humor and was easy to talk to. We both liked music and she could play the flute and piano. She was really into Mickey Mouse, which I gave her quite a bit of grief over (in joking manner). I didn’t have anything against Mickey, but her entire dorm room was covered with the corporate rat. At one point I counted over 80 items in her room pertaining to him.

#KtheReluctantWhore #firstgirlfriend

0 notes