remindersofgrace

[remindersofgrace]

Beloved Imitators

“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” - Ephesians 5:1-2

A couple weeks ago, our family had the opportunity to travel to Zakopane, Poland for Pioneer’s Euroconnect Conference 2023. My husband Eden is a board member of the US branch of Pioneers, which is an organization that sends missionaries to plant churches and make disciples in unreached people groups around the world. Being part of this organization has shaped us in such huge ways, and we’ve been so encouraged and inspired by these men and women who are humbly and wholly surrendered to God no matter the cost, who abide in and embody the love of Christ in such a beautiful way. Pioneers invited board members and their families to attend a regional conference for missionaries working in Northern Europe, and we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to attend. After an 11 hour flight to Munich, and another hour flight into Poland, we arrived and spent our first few days in Kraków. 

The next day was Easter Sunday, so Eden found an evangelical church nearby our hotel, where we joined up with Steve (the president of Pioneers-USA) and Arlene Richardson (his wife and my hero) to spend Easter morning worshipping with an international church, singing in both English and Polish, and unexpectedly running into a Pioneers team working in Manchester, England. We spent the day with this team, eating pierogi’s in the Market Square and  grabbing gelato with the Richardsons. 

We got to explore the market at night, with sizzling meats, huge vats of sauerkraut, yummy Polish pizza called zapiekanki, and Kürtöskalács Chimney Cake with nutella inside. 

 The next day, we took a 2 hour bus ride to Zakopane with a team from a church in Ohio who was coming to the conference just to take care of our children (God bless them!). The conference began the next day and it was such an incredible time of seeing the beauty of the global church expressed in so many cultures and languages. Our kids were so incredibly loved on and were the most social that I’ve ever seen. To be in a room with 150 people who were living out their faith in humility, boldness, love, and surrender to whatever God desired for them - my heart was so filled up and encouraged. 

Moments I don’t want to forget: 

- meeting the Oliviera family on Easter Sunday - a vivacious, loving Brazilian family with a daughter and two sons who were some of the greatest kids I’ve ever met. They doted on any kids and I am praying my kids grow up to be like them one day. So much love from this family. 

- meeting the Parodi family - JC, Gema, and Sarah. Loved watching this family worship with such joy and passion amidst hardship and loss. Sarah and the worship team led us in such beautiful multicultural worship, in so many languages and styles. I literally could not stop crying during every worship service, it was so powerful to witness and God’s presence was profoundly felt. There is something about knowing the history of suffering in some of these missionaries and to see them pouring out their praises, declaring the goodness of God - it built up my faith so much. 

- being stopped by a young Australian man in a Turkish kebab restaurant in Zakopane. He asked us what we were doing in Poland, and I responded, “Oh, we’re here for a conference.” He asks, “Oh, is it a Christian conference? Do you know Steve Richardson?” The Richardsons had just told us the day before about how they had met such a wonderful random group of young people while waiting in line for hours to visit Auschwitz. The odds were just too crazy! 

- listening to Jenn Chen’s beautiful talk about living as God’s beloved. Realizing how many strongholds I have just allowed in my heart that are rooted in fear, barriers that have often kept me from receiving God’s love in its fullness. 

- taking a cable car up to the top of Mount Gubalowka and getting to share a meal with Eric and Ellen Peters. I look up to this couple so much, and hearing story after story from missionaries whose lives were so impacted by their care and prayerful presence was just so powerful. 

- Running into Sandro who graciously carried my son up the entire mountain to where we were staying

- staying up until almost midnight with a group of ladies who invited me to let Eden put down the kids and to join them for tea, meeting Aselia, a lovely Kazakh missionary whose testimony impacted me deeply. 

- getting free babysitting (woot woot) and getting to have a dinner date with Phil and Ann Baur, hearing about their lives and just enjoying them so much. 

- having a time of multigenerational prayer with the youth, hearing the testimony of a 12-year-old who was assigned to pray for the parents in the conference, and her having such a profound intimate moment of God speaking that moved her to tears as she shared. Watching young people worship God with their hands raised, knowing how many of them have dealt with isolation from being the only Christian in their community, of pressures without and within, but having a deep, living, sustaining relationship with God that isn’t just riding on the coattails of their parents’ faith. 

- A powerful message from Kefas, a Nigerian pastor turned missionary in England. Him sharing the story of Amadu. 

- getting to share intimately with a group of 2 other ladies about some of the things we were having a hard time entrusting to the Lord. Was so encouraged by their vulnerability and got to pray together. 

- getting to have lunch with John and Jenn Chen (another couple that are my heroes, do you notice a theme here?) and getting to connect and share our lives together. 

- learning about each of the needs and opportunities in the countries in Northern Europe, praying in our small groups. 

- Had a less than gracious moment with Talitha after she made a mess. Had a time of apologizing to her, that I wanted to be more calm and less reactive, that I will always love her no matter what and she said ever so sweetly that she loves me so much. I told her that I’m so glad I’m her mommy, and she said she’s so glad she’s my daughter. 

- sharing in our small groups about the people that have been vessels of God’s love for us. So powerful to see the impact that consistent and faithful love and care can have on a person. 

- Our kids starting to have hangry meltdowns while waiting for our lunch and how Arlene quickly jumped into action, cutting off a large piece of her burger and insisting that we take the majority of her fries which just communicated so much love and care to us. 

- Hilder giving our family a sweet little photo session, sweet time of connecting with her

Takeaways that I want to Remember:

- From Jenn’s talk: 

- We don’t need to make our life work on our own.

- Vulnerability is letting others see the gospel at work in our lives 

- What if we saw ourselves as we really are? As beloved? 

- God wants us to keep pulling off the layers and taking off the masks that are keeping us from experiencing him fully

- What would it look like to let go of our ego and our fear? To just be so consumed by God’s love? 

- Our God is a global God - He can be praised in every language, no culture is outside of Him. It was so beautiful to see a different side of God as people all worshipped in their cultures. 

- We are all Amadu’s. Kefas shared a story about a man named Amadu who, in an effort to get the missionaries out of his area, invited the missionaries to a meal before a pot of soup. He then defecated in front of them, wiped himself with his hand, and put his hand in the soup. Somehow, Kefas was able to stay, to actually take the soup and drink it, and that single act of gracious response melted Amadu’s heart and he gave his life to Christ. We are all those who did heinous acts, and yet the love of Christ pursues us. His grace overwhelms us and will not let us go. 

- Jenn, during our meal, confirming to me after I shared about my insecurities and struggles with comparison that “you will glorify God in the Carolyn way.” 

- From Alan’s talk: 

- We are the visible portrayal of the invisible.

- We both obey and portray Jesus, we are a pointer to who He is. 

- Mediate means to be a vessel 

- The way we can impact others is by imaging Christ in their lives. We are in God’s family, so we are part of the family business. 

- Loving others with God’s love is the fulfillment of our priestly duties. We must legitimately reveal Christ to others. 

What a privilege to meet these men and women and to be able to see into a glimpse of all that God is doing in hearts and lives around the world. I couldn’t capture it the way I wanted to in writing, but this will do for now. 

[remindersofgrace]

Reflections on 2020

2020 was a year. It was a year of suddenly becoming a stay-at-home mom for 9 months, of watching my baby become a girl, of solidifying rhythms that have bolstered our family. It was a year of grappling with the unspeakable suffering of beloved friends and wrestling with what God was doing in the midst of it. It was a year of realizing more clearly than ever just how heinously broken are our world, systems, and hearts, of lamenting how much the Church has fallen short of showing off the compassion, justice, humility, and selflessness of our Savior. It was a year of ushering in new life with my son, of grieving lives lost and decimated, of having friendships fortified in quarantine and others weakened. It was a year where I learned to enjoy my children more than I ever have, where I've appreciated more fully my family and Eden's family in all the ways that they care for us. It was a year of seeing how blessed I am to have a husband in Eden that seeks my flourishing, that so patiently loves our children and protects the health of our family It was a year of discovering a renewed joy in creating, of learning to replace my imposter syndrome with a growth mindset. It was a year unlike any other, made up of days that all felt the same.  

It was a year where, if I have to be honest with myself, I often fell into the temptation of believing this life is about myself, of losing sight of what was going on beyond the walls of my home, of neglecting to think and act intentionally about how to steward the many gifts and privileges that I have been given, not out of anything that I have earned but because of His grace, meant for His glory. It was also a year of understanding in a deeper way that despite my failures and my selfishness, that what matters at the bottom of it all is that Jesus covers me with all of His perfection and forgiveness and beauty and shows me the pathway to true life and satisfaction that is dependent on His steadfastness and not my own. It was a year of being mentored by the words and writings of my heroes of the faith like Elisabeth Elliott, and learning more about what it means to trust the God who has the whole world in His hands, even when it looks like it is falling apart from my human perspective. It was a year of learning that love is a far better motivator than guilt, that sometimes faith looks less like dramatic heartfelt moments of fervor, and more like the culmination of many small mundane decisions to choose and trust the way of Christ in life's many unpleasant interruptions and detours. Grateful this year is coming to an end and looking forward to 2021, seeking to ground my hope in what does not change.

[remindersofgrace]

One of the hopes that I have for this new year is to actually live like the things that I believe are true. Reading through my last 10 years of blog posts reminded me of what a perpetual struggle it has been for me to maintain an integrity between the freeing truths of the gospel and the practical ways that I live out my daily life. I say that I believe that God will supply all of my needs according to His riches in Christ, but I live in constant fear that I will be lacking and inadequate. I know that difficulty and trial is something that the Lord uses for His good purposes, but I work very hard to steer clear of as much discomfort as possible and throw a fit when things don’t happen how I want them to. I say that I believe that there is no longer any condemnation for those who are in Christ and that my sins are forgiven forever, but I find myself quickly demoralized by my failure and unwilling to come to Him until I get my act together. These strongholds of thinking have led me to waste so much time living apart from the freedom that Christ already died for me to have. They’ve led me to doubt and forget the overwhelming love of the One who traded His perfect life and obedience for my sin and judgment of death, and has, through the cross, given me everything my soul has ever longed for.

Something I am trying to practice this year is to meditate on these following truths daily. They’re adapted from a devotional from Paul David Tripp called New Morning Mercies, and I’ve added a couple verses from Scripture with each truth.

Today,

I don’t have to strive or stress to earn God’s love, because out of His overwhelming grace, God has credited all of Christ’s perfect obedience and righteousness to me.

... he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him. - Colossians 1:22

For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God - 2 Corinthians 5:21

I don’t have to live in shame or guilt when I sin or fall short, because every one of my sins and weaknesses has already been paid for by Jesus’s blood. I can repent of my sins quickly and instantly receive His forgiveness, to live in the freedom He died for.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. - 1 John 1:9

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing, it is a gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one can boast. - Ephesians 2:8-9

I do not have to fear that I won’t have what it takes, because my Savior gives me all that I need to do what He’s called me to do. He is my very present Help in times of trouble.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:19

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8

I don’t need to worry that I’m alone or unseen, because God has made me the place where He dwells.

And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age. - Matthew 28:20

Do you not know that you are God’s temple, and that God’s Spirit dwells in you? - 1 Cor. 3:16

I don’t have to search for identity, meaning, or purpose because God has made me His beloved child and called me to His glorious purpose, with good works that He has specifically prepared for me to do.

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. - Acts 20:24

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them - Ephesians 2:10

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. - 1 John 3:1

I don’t need to worry about the future, because all of the mysteries of what is to come are held in His sovereign, good, and loving hands.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. -Romans 15:13

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. -Psalm 139:16

I don’t have to fear trouble, difficulty, or suffering, because my Savior uses all of these things for my good, my eternal joy, and His glory.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. - Hebrews 12:11

Every repetitive and seemingly menial thing I do today has eternal and weighty significance, because the work I do in His name is never in vain.

Therefore, my beloved brothers and sisters, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain - 1 Corinthians 15:58

Whatever you do, do it from the heart, as something done for the Lord and not for people, knowing that you will receive the reward of an inheritance from the Lord. You serve the Lord Christ. - Colossians 3:23-24

May the Lord root these truths deep in my heart to overflow into my life, and even on the days when I don’t believe them, I’m grateful that they remain true because of who He is.

[remindersofgrace]

Reflection on the Decade

Recently, I was inspired by a blogpost by Justin Buzzard to take the time to reflect on and to share with others about my decade. After 4 hours of reading through old blog posts and scrolling through pictures, my heart is welling up with gratitude and awe at the ways that the Lord has been supremely faithful through the many seasons of my life. This post is a long one, but I hope these words can remind you that God is intimately involved in the details of your life’s narrative, and in His perfect wisdom, faithful love, and sovereign power, He takes every part of your story to show off His steadfast love.

2010: 

- I am a sophomore advisor for a hall of wonderful, rambunctious freshmen alongside Bethaney Herrington, and love it. 

- I lead VBS music at CBCM together with my sister during the summer and have an absolute blast. This year, the music is a western theme and the lyrics are so incredibly rich. I still remember all of the lyrics. 

- I travel with a group from Nurses Christian Fellowship to Kampala, Uganda as a vision trip to see what the Lord in doing amongst nurses in Uganda and to partner with organizations there like NewstART. I am floored by the believers in Uganda, whose faith is not flashy or eloquent, but strong, faithful, and committed wholeheartedly to their awesome Savior. 

-I start my first year of nursing school and for one of the first times in my life, am not able to quit something that I don’t feel immediately good at. I struggle with daily anxiety and self-condemnation, and the Lord uses it to reveal how much my hope was in my performance and success. 

- I find a home away from home at Veritas Church, and am frequently in the Slagle home. 

-Eden and I have one of our most stagnant years in our relationship in the midst of Eden working 100+ hour weeks with investment banking in NY, and me being too tired and self-absorbed to engage after trying days of nursing school. We are both struggling spiritually but not close enough to each other to realize how bad it is.

- My sister and I put on a in-home sushi night dinner for our dad and have a ton of fun dressing up as waitresses.

2011:

- I finish my first year of nursing school and start my second. I continue to struggle a lot in nursing school and struggle with what might have been a depression. 

- I become a leader at Emory Christian Fellowship and struggle a lot with fear of man and discouragement as the attendance is small and inconsistent. 

- I meet regularly with a wonderful, Spirit-filled, lover-of-the-Word woman named Skip McDonald who shepherds me in learning how to actually have a personal relationship with my Living Savior and is a vessel from the Lord to break down a lot of the legalistic ideologies I have been believing for so long. 

- I room with 3 amazing ladies named Mary, Kala, and Hannah. Our year is filled with lots of laughter, poorly done P90x videos, and dancing (some better than others). (BG02!!) 

- my family records our first ever 4-part Christmas carol together and it is an amazing and hilarious experience. 

-Eden moves to Los Angeles and finds a church home and a renewed faith at Reality LA, and he transforms into the godly man and spiritual leader that I want to marry. 

2012:

- I take my community health class and realize I have found my people. I find a mentor in Monica Donohue, a faithful woman of faith who leads my clinical rotation at a homeless shelter called Gateways. I find that my God-given yearnings and strengths lend itself to connecting compassionately with men and women who are on on the margins of society.

- I grow in my friendships with Bethaney, Kate, and Karen as we commit to lunch weekly together. We talk about everything under the sun and I am so blessed by their friendship. 

- I make the decision to move to Los Angeles after graduation to end the 3 years of long distance that Eden and I have walked through.

- I graduate from nursing school!

- I attend my first Christian Community Health Fellowship conference after much encouragement from Renee Lick and Skip McDonald, and uncharacteristically board multiple buses to get down to Tennessee. God answers so many prayers to meet the people I wanted to meet (including Dr. Katy White and Dr. Wayne Aoki), and I consider that it would be cool to volunteer at LA Christian Health Centers when I move to Los Angeles. 

- After many unanswered applications for jobs and much discouragement, God moves on my behalf. After emailing Isaac Voss from World Impact about working at their clinic, he informs he that they weren’t hiring but he could send my resume to Sharon Soper who worked at QueensCare Health and Faith Partnership, a small parish nursing organization. Out of God’s grace and a feeling that she had in her soul, she hires me even though I am a new graduate RN and I find my first job in Los Angeles. 

- I get the pleasure of living with the Les Mis ladies for a summer and see the power of Christian love in a home with some of the most godly and loving ladies I have ever met. I am bunk mates with Steph Denzer and begin a friendship with her. 

- God is gracious to basically hand me some amazing community on a silver platter because of the relationships that Eden already has. I love this Westwood community group and am blessed by the maturity of faith, the commitment to friendship, and the pursuit of prayer in this community of believers. 

- I love many aspects of my new job but struggle for months with feelings of inadequacy as a nurse without much support nearby. I learn a lot and make some incredible friendships with nurses like Brenda Cox and community health workers like Vanessa and Karina. 

- Eden gives me the proposal of the century on our 4th anniversary of dating, with my family flying out for the event, a meal prepared by me and Eden’s mothers, our close friends the Weiner’s waiting tables for us, and our church community swarming us at the end of the night. I skype with my closest Maryland girlfriends, cry reading the letters that people have prepared for me, and watch my future husband perform a song he wrote. It is one of the best nights of my life to date. 

- I become roommates with Meghan Prince, and suite mates with Allegra and Claire. It is a wonderful arrangement and I really come to cherish those friendships. 

2013:

- The wonderful and talented Megan Prince agrees to help me plan my wedding and we spend many delirious nights together. Krissy Bengtson designs some of the most beautiful invitations and artwork for my wedding.

- After a really difficult few months of feeling like I didn’t have what my patients needed, and feeling the need to grow my foundation of nursing knowledge, my nurse manager Sharon and I mutually agree that it would be best for me to leave my job at QueensCare Health and Faith Partnership and be part of a new graduate RN program in a hospital. I leave on good terms and am grateful to have learned so much from these amazing women. 

- I spend a few months unemployed before my wedding, which is humbling but also very freeing to focus on wedding planning. I apply for new grad RN programs without any response. And in another divine act of grace, Eden meets a new friend named Paul Song who is a prominent radiation oncologist, who has a relative who works on the oncology floor of Saint John’s Health Center. He sends my resume to Helen Blohm who sends it to Janice Frost, the oncology director. She brings me in for an interview for a CNA position but graciously allows me to interview for the new graduate RN position a few days afterwards. By God’s grace, she gives me the job! Because my honeymoon is during that cohort’s orientation period, I work for 6 months as a CNA before the next RN cohort and love serving my patients in a tangible (but low-pressure) way. 

- Eden and I have the wedding we have always hoped for, with a powerful sermon about Hosea and Gomer by Dave Slagle, a surprise flash mob dance planned by Meghan and Michaela, amazing friends that all pitched in sacrificial service, and our favorite people all in one place. It becomes my new favorite day of my life.

- We move into a condo in Culver City and begin our life together. Our first year is a sweet one filled with a lot of laughing and figuring things out. 

2014:

- I travel to Taiwan for the first time with Eden’s family and meet Eden’s uncle and grandma. 

- I start working as a new grad RN on the night shift, and have an interesting life sleeping from 9am - 4pm and spending time with Eden at 8am as I eat dinner and he eats breakfast. I thankfully sleep like a rock and it’s actually quite bearable. I learn a lot from the experienced nurses on my shift, and enjoy the sarcastic humor of my coworkers. I still struggle a lot with fear and feelings of inadequacy but it get a little easier as time passes. 

- we move into our home in South LA (you can read more about that here: https://bywayofreminder.tumblr.com/post/123100658544/its-not-safe-but-it-is-good) at the end of the year. 

2015:

- We go on a cruise to the Mediterranean with some amazing new friends and get to experience some breathtaking cities. 

- We officially part ways with our Reality LA family to pursue more intentional community with people in our neighborhood. We join a church plant called Cornerstone South LA and get to know a few families that have already made Crenshaw their home for a few years now. We get to participate in the kids camp they host every year called Love LA and get to see 80+ kids from the neighborhood get involved. 

- I struggle more profoundly with feeling like a failure this year but God gently reminds me of the sufficiency that Christ gives. 

2016:

- I start the year switching to day shift and although the daytime wake-sleep rhythm is improved, it stretches me with the amount of tasks and coordination that have to take place with my patients every day. Isaiah 41:10 is my mantra these days. 

- In the May of this year, I went to another Christian Community Health Fellowship conference and had a renewed sense of calling to community health and working with the underserved. I loved my oncology job in Santa Monica and it was a wonderful place to work, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there were lines of people who would love to work in that hospital, and a much smaller pool of RN’s that would want to work in a clinic amongst the underserved. I tell my boss my thoughts and she is so gracious in her response to me. I start applying for community health jobs but nothing turns up for a few weeks. Then I get a phone call from my friend Debbie Waltman who is the director of nursing at LA Christian Health Centers, and they have an urgent need for a temporary RN to staff their Joshua House clinic in Skid Row. Though there isn’t a promise of permanent work after those 4 months, I felt an assurance that I should say yes, and quit my job at Saint John’s (with much kindness and blessing from my amazing coworkers) and began being the clinic nurse at Joshua House. (You can read more about this here) 

- We visit New Zealand with Fishermen Labs, and our marriage is tried as we drove from the bottom of the country to the top in a green Judy camper van. The country was breathtaking, the camper was not.

- I started learning calligraphy from a little handout from The Postman’s Knock. It isn’t pretty, but it’s something! 

- We start going to a church plant in the Crenshaw/Baldwin Hills area called Epiphany LA. We are refreshed by Pastor Tommy’s heart for discipleship and his passion for the hearts of people in his neighborhood, and grow to love this motley group of authentic believers seeking to lift up Jesus in the city.

2017:

- By God’s grace, I am given a permanent job as the second clinic RN at Joshua House and really enjoy my work there, with freedom to pray for patients and have heart-to-hearts with my patients as the Lord leads. 

- In September, I start in a new position of being the Charge RN for my department, a role that I didn’t feel ready for at the time but I’m glad that I agreed to. I realize that I actually love mentoring and shepherding the hearts of my nursing staff, and learn (often with growing pains) more about how to stay organized and have bigger picture vision. I am mentored by Shannon Fernando and am so encouraged by her sacrificial drive and passion for our staff and our patients. I am blessed by our weekly meetings and her prayers are powerful for the growth of my heart and mind that year. 

- Eden and I visit Yosemite and it becomes one of my new favorite places. 

- We go to Tokyo with Fishermen Labs and get to see Will and Chihiro get married! 

- We get to witness the beautiful weddings of Jackie & Charles, Sandy & Eric, and Stephany & Ricky

- Eden turns 30! 

2018:

- In February, I find out I am pregnant over FaceTime with Eden. I have an incredibly easy pregnancy until 13 weeks, when our world turns upside down with the news that our baby might not be viable and has an inexplicable sac of fluid in his or her pelvis. We are so blessed in those months with the love of our communities and the peace of our present God as we anticipate our little one’s birth. (You can read more about it here) 

- We visit Vancouver during our baby moon. 

- We get to visit Joanna and Dennis in San Francisco, and the Lord uses that friendship mightily in my life this year and the following one. 

- We get to see Shannon & Joe get hitched, as well as Jeff & Christy! 

- We meet our daughter Talitha Cumi Chen on 9/1/18. (More here)

 

- We are blessed with the love of our parents as they spend a month with us, helping my body to heal and keeping things afloat in the midst of a lot of chaos 

- I struggle immensely during the first 2 months of motherhood, unprepared for how emotionally, mentally, and physically tasking is the journey of learning to nurse and pump and just stay afloat. I often feel like Talitha is not connected to me and wonder if I’m cut out for this motherhood thing. 

2019:

- I transition to being a stay-at-home mom and working at my clinic once a week - mostly loving it but also struggling oftentimes with loneliness and a sense of meaning 

- Talitha has her 12-hour-long reconstructive surgery to correct her cloaca, and we experience such tangible otherworldly peace from God and overwhelming love from our tribe that fortified my faith in the Living God, our Refuge and Strength in times of trouble

- I see old friendships reignited as we walked through the furnace of suffering together

- I am part of a mom’s Bible study through Philippians and Romans 8 that teaches me about steadfast joy and my unshakeable identity in Christ

- We experience the blessing of health care practitioners who are excellent in their care, especially our surgical team and urologist who profoundly changed the trajectory of Talitha’s life for the better

- We learn how to catheterize Talitha’s bladder, with tears shed the first week but now it’s so easy it feels second nature

- Talitha has surgery to close her colostomy, and finally experiences life without any drains or bags attached to her 

- Talitha has her first poopy diaper ever and we take pictures of it while hootin’ and hollerin’

- We are cared for so well by my parents and in-laws who fly in for every surgery and take care of us and our home so that we can focus on helping Talitha recover

- I grow in deeper and invaluable friendship with 2 ladies from my church who are so beautifully different than me, learning how powerful it is to be known, accepted, and challenged with love. 

- I experiment with creating rhythms in my week so that my schedule can reflect what I say my priorities are

- I am able to leave Tali and LA for a week to fly and see my sister in Hong Kong to spend some sweet time together (thanks to my faithful hubby, Mama, and my dad who filled in the gaps while I was gone)

- Eden and I celebrate 6 years of marriage in San Diego

- We fly twice to Maryland and get to see Talitha meet her grandmas on both sides

- We celebrate Talitha turning 1 years old in Los Angeles with over 60 friends in our backyard

- We visit Banff and Kauai (traveling with a baby is a beast, ya’ll.) 

- I join a gym in my neighborhood called Thrive Health Labs with a recommendation from Jackie Hu and actually find myself enjoying going to 6am workout classes (focused on lifting weights, if you can believe that!) 

- We try out an Asian nanny from myasiannanny.com (and it does not work out)

- We hire my awesome friend Hya to help out with Tali and the house twice a week (and it has been life-changing)

- We almost finish our foster certification process (for the second time) but decide to withdraw from the process until we try to have another biological child first. We were advised to wait to finish certification until we are completely ready to open our home to a child in foster care right away. We are a little disappointed to put this off for a little while, but hope to reinstate our application in a couple years. 

It’s been such a faith-building exercise to recount all the deeds of the Lord. How faithful God has been through every season. The themes of His sufficiency over my insufficiency abound, and it’s something that I return to every year because my heart is so forgetful. I want to close with a hymn that I rediscovered while reading all my old blog posts that sums up this decade:

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater;

He sendeth more grace when the labours increase;

To added afflictions he addeth his mercy,

To multiplied trials, his multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

His love has no limits, his grace has no measure

His power has no boundary known unto men;

For out of his infinite riches in Jesus,

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

-Annie Johnson Flint, "He Giveth More Grace,”

[remindersofgrace]

Fear Not

During this past month as we've awaited Talitha's surgery, I've felt all sorts of emotions that I didn't even know were in my heart. I thought I was doing a great job holding it together up until about a month ago, when the reality of what Talitha is about go through became palpable to me. There are still days when I feel completely normal and I'm able to talk about Talitha's surgery in a more mechanical, disconnected way. There are days when I'm feeling encouraged and hoping for the best. Then there are days when I feel these sharp guttural pangs of sorrow for the suffering my daughter is about to endure and how all of our lives are about to change. And then there are days when I feel fear and anxiety brewing in the undercurrent of my soul. A few weeks ago, I was having random stomach aches, waking up with my teeth clenched, having bad dreams and random panicky thoughts about Talitha being hurt or her drain being pulled out. It's almost as if my body knew that I was anxious before my own mind did. A couple nights ago, my anxiety came to a head as I had let my mind wander unchecked for a while and the "what-if's" seemed to swallow me alive - what if Talitha develops a serious infection that threatens her life? What if something gets nicked and is irreparably damaged?  What if she is psychologically scarred by the trauma her body is going to go through? What if our family is never the same again after this operation? I felt like I had a serious case of heartburn and couldn't catch my breath until Eden gave me space to share what was on my mind and I was able to pour out my heart before the Lord.

Fear is not unfamiliar to me. It has manifested itself in many different forms in my life - as insecurity and fear of man, as the crippling fear of failure and not being good enough, as a fretful fear of the future. I've often just accepted throughout my life that being fearful is just an inevitable part of my reality, that I'm a helpless victim to the tentacles of anxiety that entangle me until my circumstances get better. I simply must be the type of insecure person that is more prone to fear. Yet in this season, the Lord has been shedding light on the truth that fear is not and cannot be my master, and that the only type of fear that belongs in my life as a believer is the awestruck, reverent fear of God. That because of the gospel and the reality of Jesus's death on the cross, I not only have peace with God in a legal sense of being made right with Him, but I have the peace of God in a tangible way that I can experience every day, at all times. A deep-seated peace and confidence that isn't rooted in easy, fair-weather circumstances or my own strength and abilities, but is grounded in the unchanging love and character of a God who did not spare even His own Son and will certainly give me everything that I truly need in this life.

The women in my church have been going through Priscilla Shirer's Bible study on the armor of God and it has been such a rich and eye-opening study. It just so happens that I'm the one facilitating our group this month as we study the shoes of the gospel of peace, ironically in one of my most fear-filled seasons. And in my reading today, we were looking at 2 passages on peace that I've read so many times but the Lord breathed new life into their timely truth:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. - John 14:27

I was struck by how Jesus commanded us not to let our hearts be troubled or let them be afraid. It convicted me how I have been living like it's understandable and acceptable for me to have a troubled and fearful heart. Jesus didn't deny that there would be the temptation to feel this way, but that we must not let our hearts remain in such a state. It encouraged me to see that I could actually do this, that I'm not a helpless victim to the swallowing force of anxiety, but through His Spirit I can take a stand against fear and choose instead to take courage and wait on the Lord.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

I must have read this passage a hundred times, but its truth is staggering if we actually lived this way. How is God's peace activated in our hearts? How can we actually not be anxious about anything? By turning every anxious moment into an opportunity to pray, by turning my face to God as I recall and give Him thanks for His past faithfulness. By pouring out my desires and heartfelt requests before God in faith-filled trust that the same God who has always been faithful will continue to be same today, yesterday, and forever. And God promises that His incomprehensible, inexplicable peace will be the guard and protector of our hearts and minds. 

I want to take a stand against fear today, so, at the risk of writing a ridiculous long blogpost, I wanted to take some time to write down all the ways that God has already shown Himself faithful from before Talitha was born. He has carried her every single day of her life, born and unborn, and He will continue to carry her for the rest of her life.

Early on in my pregnancy, Eden did his research on OB/GYN's and arranged for me to be seen at the Kaiser Sunset location even though we live quite far from it. We ended up needing the care of the high risk fetal maternal specialists as well as Talitha’s surgical team at this location, and I can’t imagine a better team for Talitha’s care. 

At 13 weeks, we were given the diagnosis that Talitha had a lethal kidney cyst and was likely nonviable. This drove us to our knees in prayer as we learned what it was to lament and grieve before the Lord, and our prayer family began as friends near and far rallied with us in crying out to God on our baby's behalf. And so, Talitha’s prayer army was born - something I don’t think would have happened if we weren’t begging God for a miracle. 

4 days later, right before I was going to have an invasive procedure done to test my genes for the origin of this kidney cyst, Eden was able to convince this other doctor who was doing our procedure to give us a second opinion even though the doctor had double-booked us not intending to do an examination. This doctor ended up examining Talitha for 30+ minutes  and concluded that she was indeed viable and was going to live, but would need very close monitoring. 

We ended up switching over our care to this doctor, who would have been an unlikely personal choice, but he was the perfect doctor for Talitha - incredibly diligent, one of the hardest working people I know to date, calculated in his judgment. He ended up coordinating our care so well and put on our case one of the best pediatric colorectal surgeons on the west coast. 

Our weekly visits that turned into monthly visits as Talitha remained stable. Her blood supply was never jeopardized by this huge pocket of fluid in her pelvis, and all of her vital organs remained strong. 

Talitha was born 5 weeks early and came with a vengeance, enabling me to have a very quick labor and recovery so that Eden and I could focus on her care. Her kidneys were quite swollen and if she had remained any longer, the damage would have been much worse. 

Upon her birth, we finally found out her diagnosis of persistent cloaca and began doing our research. I posted about her birth on Facebook and briefly mentioned that she had cloaca, and my old nursing mentor Laura happened to remember that her close family friend Sarah also had a daughter with this same anomaly. She connected us, and Sarah was kind enough to speak with us on the phone and share with us her daughter’s amazing story and the wisdom Sarah had gleaned along the way. This led us to know about these two Facebook support groups that have been an absolute lifeline for us. Sarah told us about Dr. Peña and Dr. Levitt, the two most renowned surgeons in this space, and Eden emailed both of them immediately and got responses. Dr. Levitt emailed us back telling us that we were incredibly blessed that Talitha was born in LA at Kaiser Sunset and that there was no need to travel to his hospital, since Dr. Shaul was an incredible surgeon and one of his close colleagues. 

Despite being born premature, Talitha's surgeries went very well on her second day of life and her lungs, though not fully developed, never had any issues. Although our original surgical team was all out of town for Labor Day Weekend, the surgeons filling in did an great job with her colostomy and drain insertion.

Eden and I were still unsure of whether to stay in LA for Talitha's care, or to travel out of state to the specialized colorectal centers in Ohio or Colorado. Eden had told me before speaking with our surgeon, "If Dr. Shaul has done 50 of these cloaca surgeries, then I'll consider staying in LA." We asked Dr. Shaul how many cloaca surgeries he had done, and after a moment's pause, he responded, "About 50."  

Oftentimes, doctors do not know how to treat persistent cloaca because it is so rare, but Dr. Shaul is up to date with the best practices regarding this, and has ordered every test Talitha needed and has made the right decisions for her medical care so far. He is good friends with the top surgeons in this space and has studied extensively in this area. 

We are in the care of a urologist who has cared for our family with such incredible compassion and personal care, and we will be working closely with him as Talitha will likely have many urinary issues as she grows up. He has answered my messages within minutes on holidays, and goes above and beyond to take care of Talitha and make her comfortable.

Though we were so frustrated by how many times Talitha's vaginostomy drain was pulled out, and how often we had to go back to the hospital to get it put back in, in hindsight, we had it replaced so many times that Talitha never developed an infection there (which seems pretty unheard of, by what our doctors say). 

One of my biggest struggles in the first few months of Talitha's life was that she was bottle fed so early in the hospital that I was never able to establish breastfeeding with her. But now, Talitha is exclusively bottle fed, and it has in hindsight been a blessing for me that she is able to be fed by anyone and is comfortable with Eden and other friends and family members, giving me some much needed reprieve to do other things and to rest. 

Because she was exposed to pacifiers so early, Talitha takes to them like a champ, which has been a life saver for us. 

Talitha happened to be born to a nurse for a mom and a determined and resourceful dad who will fight to get the care that she needs. I’m also so grateful for the flexibility Eden has in running his own company, as he has been so present during hospitalizations and appointments. It’s been so sweet watching him be so hands-on with Talitha. 

She is surrounded by a community that has loved her and prayed for her before she was even born, some of which I have never met and yet pray for her daily. What an incredible demonstration of the Church at work. 

Somehow, we were given financial assistance to cover all of our copays and deductibles through May, and all of her surgeries and hospitalizations are well covered by our insurance. 

These past few weeks, my church has been going through a series on cultural collisions - the unexpected, unwanted aspects of life that God allows to expose our misplaced identities and to root them in Him. It's basically been a series on suffering that has ministered to me so powerfully during this season leading up to surgery.  

God has provided fellow young sufferers in my life (here's to you, Searcy, Joanna, and Kathy) with whom I feel such a kinship with and have offered such timely encouragement that can only be given through the tenderness of heart that comes with experience. 

Through all these things, and in all of these mercies disguised as disruptions, God has allowed me to understand early on in motherhood that His grace is sufficient for me, and that it's all that I stand on.

So here's to learning to cast my fears and burdens on the Lord, confident that my loving Father has handpicked for us every blessing, every difficulty, every answered prayer, and every deferred hope in our lives. When I am afraid, I put my trust in Him - an active, deliberate, moment-by-moment placing of my trust off of myself and favorable circumstances, and onto Him, my solid Rock on which I stand.

What have I to dread, what have I to fear, Leaning on the everlasting arms? I have blessed peace with my Lord so near, Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Leaning, leaning, Safe and secure from all alarms; Leaning, leaning, Leaning on the everlasting arms.

[remindersofgrace]

Boasting in Weakness

“Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them, but there they are, talking to you. They bring back the problem of yesterday. Somebody’s talking. Who’s talking? Your self is talking to you. Now this man’s treatment in Psalm 42 was this: instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself, “Why are you cast down, O my soul?” he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says: “Self, listen for a moment, I will speak to you.” (Martin Lloyd Jones, Spiritual Depression, 20–21)

Wednesday was one of those days that reminded me that there is an ever present and unseen battle for my mind. I had wanted to write this blog post a couple months ago when I felt consumed by the weight of my inadequacy, a struggle that had existed for years but was put on full display in motherhood. On that day in November, I finally wrote down the lies that were lurking around in my mind, and as I went to battle with them with the weapon of God’s Word, I sensed in a powerful and tangible way God’s overwhelming, tender-hearted love for me, and the truth of the gospel identity that He has given me, not because of my goodness but because of His. But then things started to get a little easier, I felt a little less like a failure, and so began my drift towards self-reliance again. And I’ve learned that if I’m not vigilant, my thoughts and beliefs will inevitably drift towards lies and away from truth, towards glorying in my own strength instead of in God’s.

I’m so grateful (in hindsight) for the ways that the Lord uses our deepest moments of weakness to knock down our illusions of prideful self-sufficiency, and pull us out of the pit of our prideful self-pity. And He used a routine physical therapy appointment for Talitha on Wednesday to lovingly disabuse me of the notion that I can stand on my own strength.

I had scheduled Talitha’s PT appointment in the afternoon after a mom’s Bible study group that I attend close by, trying to make sure I fed her a decent amount before the appointment so she would be happier (because your girl still hates tummy time). We started the appointment as usual, but 5 minutes into it, Talitha starts wailing like I’ve never seen her before, that deep bellowing kind of wail that usually means she’s still hungry. I prayed as I fed her my last ounce that it would be enough, hating myself for accidentally leaving my extra breast milk in my friend’s refrigerator. But she just keeps wailing and I cannot comfort her, no matter what I do, and my helplessness turns shame. Our physical therapist asks me when she last napped, when she last ate, tells me to change her diaper, advises me to try breastfeeding. All my old waves of inadequacy washed over me again as I hated myself for forgetting my nipple shield, hated myself for not practicing breastfeeding with her (I had been pumping and feeding her with the bottle for months), hated myself for not being mindful of her not napping enough that day, hated myself for being so absent-minded and clueless even after 5 months of being Talitha’s mom. And as I tried my sorry attempt to breastfeed her, painfully reminded of how defeated breastfeeding had made me feel 2 months ago, Talitha just kept shrieking and pushing me away. As I put her back into her car seat to leave our completely wasted PT appt, I looked at her through tears and thought, “This poor little baby that she has me for a mother.” And I cried behind sunglasses during the whole drive home.

Talitha fell asleep instantly after being put in the car seat and, in hindsight, was probably more exhausted than hungry. But in those moments of silence with God, wrestling through these thoughts of how I was going to be able to take care of Talitha after surgery when I couldn’t even take care of her when she was stable, I sensed the Lord graciously reminding me that it was never about my strength in the first place. In my place of helplessness, the Lord showed me how my self-pity, though masking as humility, was in fact pride because I had the expectation that I should be able to be perfect aside from God. And instead of shaming me, I sensed the Lord embracing me in His love, reminding me that HE is my refuge and strength, an ever present help in times of trouble. That He alone is my Rock, and there is no other Rock that I can stand on, all else is shifting sand. That my limitless Father can make all grace abound to His insecure, fearful, and absent-minded child so that having all sufficiency (in Him) in all things at all times, I can abound in every good work. I can combat the lie that I am a failure with the truth that because of His marvelous grace, I have been credited with the perfect righteousness of Jesus and have an approval that is unfailing and not dependent on my performance. Every disappointment, every failure is an opportunity that my Father is using to take my eyes off of my flaws and onto His perfection. WIth His expert hand, the Potter of my life uses my weakness to carve out all that is not of Christ and mold me day by day into the beautiful image of Jesus. When I’m faced with the lie that I will never have what it takes for the road of difficulty ahead, I take hold of the truth that in Christ, I have been given every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places and have been given everything I need for life and godliness.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions,a nd calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

[remindersofgrace]

Our Birth Story

Today marks 10 days since our daughter Talitha was born. Our daughter - I’m still getting used to saying that. She came without warning and on her own timing, but I’m beginning to see God’s perfect providence in blessing us with this sweet little girl 5 weeks early. I woke up Saturday morning, September 1st, 2018 at 5:30am without an alarm, unsure of why I felt so wired and unable to fall back asleep (which, if you know me, is a very unusual thing). I was feeling some uncomfortable pressure in my lower abdomen and kept sitting on the toilet for relief, and actually pooped 4 times in 4 hours but had no idea that this could be a sign of early labor. (Is that TMI? Oh well.)

By 10am though, the pain had started moving up my abdomen, and I started to count the contractions. They were sporadic, 30 seconds of pain every 6 min, then 40 second after 4 min, then 3 min, then 8 min - but they were persistent and unlike any Braxton-Hicks contractions I had felt before. I texted Talitha, my friend and doula (we’ll call her Talitha P so you don’t confuse her with our baby), and let her know what was going on, but still didn’t think anything serious was happening until she texted back, “Oh my goodness. Definitely monitor them and keep me posted.” She suggested hopping in the bath to see if that would help the contractions subside - and although it seemed to ease the pain a little, after the bath the contractions started up again every 6 min. We called the triage line at Kaiser and the doctor on the line told me she wasn’t sure it was true labor, but instructed us to come in just to be safe.

We cancelled our lunch plans, haphazardly threw together a hospital bag for me, threw our car seat in the trunk (we still hadn’t figured out how to strap it in yet) and called our mothers during the car ride to let them know that we were headed to the hospital for triage, but that we didn’t think we were going to be there for long. After all, Talitha wasn’t due for another 5 weeks, I had 2 more packed weeks of work to transition out for maternity leave, we had a baby shower scheduled on the 15th, and our house was not close to being habitable for a newborn.

The car ride to the hospital was a bit tougher with some stronger contractions, and we walked into the Kaiser Sunset’s labor and delivery unit to be triaged by a nurse. She strapped the fetal monitors on my abdomen, and sure enough - the contractions were consistently every 6 minutes. The pain was there but manageable, and Talitha’s heart rate was responding well to each contraction. The moment came at around 2:30pm when the doctor came in to check how dilated I was, and our jaws dropped when he told me I was 4 cm dilated, 90% effaced - and I was not going anywhere. Eden and I looked at each other and shared a moment of disappointment that our baby was not going to be born full-term, which we were hoping for since she needed to be big enough and strong enough to have surgery shortly after birth. We called Talitha and let her know that I was being admitted, and this incredible woman did not hesitate to drive 2 hours from Palm Springs on her Labor Day weekend to be there for mine. Best doula ever.

We were transferred into the room that I would deliver in at around 3pm, and I was started on an IV to give me fluids and also to give me a preventative antibiotic since my test for group-B strep had not resulted yet. I was also given a steroid injection to give my premature baby’s lungs a boost, but it would only be effective if I was given a second dose 24 hours later. I was hoping that I would not be laboring for another 24 hours, but wanted to give my baby any fighting chance I could.

Well into labor, I still hadn’t lost my mucous plug or had any bloody show, and my water still hadn’t broken. The toughest part about this labor was that because I was 5 weeks early, my nurse didn’t want me to get out of bed and kept trying to have me delay delivery - she thought it was best that I try to hold off until I could get the second steroid injection in 24 hours, or to even delay delivery 4 more days until our baby was 36 weeks old. I looked at her sideways - I couldn’t imagine going through these contractions for 24 more hours, let alone 4 days, and the thought of it stressed me out! Thankfully by then, Talitha P had arrived at about 5:30pm, and she gave me this reassuring look after the nurse left and said, “Don’t worry, you are having this baby tonight.”

By then, Jabez had dropped off an exercise ball for me (sadly it was not used) and my brother-in-law Ken came to support me and Eden as well. The contractions became stronger and more frequent - every 4 min, every 3 min. I went to the bathroom and sure enough, there was quite a bit of blood in the toilet after I peed, and Talitha P reassured me that it wouldn’t be long before I delivered. She had thankfully met with us just a week before to give us a labor crash course in what to expect with labor and how to breathe through the labor pains. During the pain of contractions, the temptation is to tense up your body but that is the opposite of what your body should do. Instead, what you actually need to do is relax your body as much as possible, and so she instructed me to focus on taking deep breaths and to have my palms face up so that I couldn’t clench down. She also would rub my neck muscles to gently remind me to relax my shoulders when she felt me tensing up. And so I was able to get through my contractions without pain medicine and without any screaming, which is something I always wanted to do but didn’t think that I would be able to do. For me, the pain of my contractions was actually pretty bearable (around 6-7 out of 10) because I knew what to expect and the pain was only really bad for about 30 seconds until I could feel the contraction begin to subside. It could have also just been God’s kindness to me because I have horrible pain tolerance!

At around 7pm, the doctor came in to check my cervix again. He told us he couldn’t feel a cervix, meaning I was fully dilated at 10cm. I had to wait through a few more contractions since the neonatologist team was not quite ready to come in yet, and then it was finally time to start pushing. Talitha P had taught me - deep cleansing breath in and out, then another deep breath, tuck your chin in, grab the bottom of your thighs, and push like you’re pushing out the biggest poop of your life for 10 seconds. Then exhale and repeat until your contraction has finished. For me, I was only able to get 2 rounds of effective pushes each contraction. Though women are usually pretty nervous about the pushing stage, pushing actually felt like a relief because you’re finally getting to do what the contractions are making you want to do. I was told that my pushes were effective, and after about 45 min we started to see her crown. The neonatologist and pediatric surgical team came at the perfect moment when I was pushing out my final pushes. I had a mirror positioned so that I could see her come out.

As her little head finally popped out, it was more painful but not unbearable, and she had not yet made a sound. I remember pleading with God that she would take her first breath even with immature lungs. The doctor delivering Talitha instructed me to pause on pushing so that she could reposition her and ease her out without as much tearing. Once she had her positioned, she instructed me to give some final pushes and I gave it my all, and her little shoulders and the rest of her pudgy body made it through. Then came the glorious cry! They instantly put her on my chest for a brief time of skin to skin. I felt so relieved and couldn’t believe this baby on my breast was Talitha in the flesh, the little being we had waited for so long to meet. Eden cut the cord, and Talitha was whisked over to the exam table to be assessed while I delivered my placenta. She was 6 lbs and 10 oz, which we later found out was due to the amount of fluid trapped in her vagina. They indeed found an imperforate anus (which we had expected) but they also found no vaginal opening. The diagnosis was made that our baby had a cloaca, which was on our doctor’s list of possible diagnoses but not at the top. All babies have a cloaca (a common channel for the urethra, anus, and vagina) in the embryonic stage, but it normally separates into the 3 separate channels during development. Our baby was one out of 25,000 babies to have what is called a persistent cloaca and we would learn in the coming days what that meant for our baby and her life.

Eden and our daughter went to the NICU while I received stitches for a second degree tear (not fun). Meanwhile, the neonatologist was furiously putting in orders and contacting our pediatric team to schedule Talitha to have a colostomy and a vaginostomy for 8am the next morning. I was transferred to the postpartum unit, ate some dinner with Eden, Ken and Talitha P, and we reflected back on the delivery together. Talitha P gave me a tutorial on breast pumping before she headed back for Palm Springs. When it was cleared for us to visit our baby in the NICU, we headed over close to midnight and found our baby. She now was on IV fluids and had a little tube threaded down her throat to suction out any contents in her stomach before surgery. Her nurse was so kind and talked me through a lot of what to expect tomorrow, then gave me ample time to hold her skin to skin and snuggle with her. It was such a precious time that I won’t forget. We finally got to bed that night around 1:40am, and so concluded the day that made Eden and myself parents. As I finally finish typing this, we are a day or two from bringing our baby home. We have seen so much evidence of God’s grace during these past 10 days and are confident that He will continue to care for Talitha and for us. She has had an army of over 100 people praying for her ever since her 13-week ultrasound and I know those prayers are powerful and effective. We had prayed for healing, and although it didn’t come the way we expected, I can see already how God is healing broken areas in Eden and myself, and how He is using Talitha and her sweet little life to proclaim His goodness and faithfulness in the midst of trial and suffering.

If you haven’t already, please read my hubby’s post-birth story and also our specific prayer requests for these upcoming months. Thanks to all who reached out and supported us, I wish I could individually thank you all. God is so good to us through you all!

[remindersofgrace]

Our Baby Announcement

Eden and I are excited to introduce Baby Chen to the world, making an entrance on October 4th, God willing! I was debating whether to post my own announcement since my hubby wrote an incredible blog post about our pregnancy journey (please read it here: https://medium.com/@edenchen/our-baby-announcement-3a4df2666e76). But I wanted to share about some poignant moments from these last 5 days that I don’t want to be forgotten. For the majority of our first trimester, our pregnancy had been pretty stress-free - little to no morning sickness, our baby was looking healthy, it was almost hard to remember I was pregnant sometimes outside of the nighttime bloating. And while we were very happy to be pregnant, I can see now that we had taken a healthy pregnancy for granted.

On Good Friday, we were scheduled for our 13-week ultrasound, which looks closely at the baby’s anatomy to screen for major problems and genetic defects. Eden and I literally had no inkling of a thought that anything could turn out abnormal. I felt like our ultrasound tech was acting a little odd, but shrugged it off. When he called us aside and told us that after showing the images to the doctor, there were concerning aspects of the scan, and as he rambled off words like “high risk” and “amniocentesis” I literally expected him to crack a smile and tell me he was joking. But it never came. We walked back into the lobby in shock and waited a painful, heart wrenching 45 minutes in the lobby as all the possibilities of what could be wrong with our baby played through our minds. I don’t think I have ever felt such a pit in my stomach. I couldn’t hold back the tears, I tried finding a quiet place in the hallway but couldn’t get alone in the busy Kaiser building. I caught a glimpse of a little children’s play area in another office and had a sinking feeling that perhaps I would not get to experience that with my child. For the first time, I was made aware of just how many women go through this - longing for a pregnancy that doesn’t come, the pain of miscarriage and genetic defects - the sorrow was so real and my heart hurt for all the women who were feeling what I was feeling at that very moment.

We were finally called in by the nurse and Eden and I just sat in silence, tears streaming down my face. The doctor walked in and I felt so embarrassed to be already crying without even knowing the news, and with such tenderness she put her hand on my shoulder and had us look at the ultrasound again. As she moved the transducer to my abdomen, we saw a huge black spot that seemed to take up almost the entire baby’s abdomen. She determined it to be a cyst since it was filled with fluid, and determined that it was connected to the left kidney. As she explained the prognosis of what this meant for our baby, we found out that most likely, this cyst was going to render this kidney useless, and it was likely that the other kidney was also nonfunctional since we didn’t see any urine in the baby’s bladder. Without healthy kidneys and urine excretion, the baby’s amniotic fluid would run dry and lungs would not be able to develop. The cyst could grow so large as to push on major blood vessels and cause heart failure and a miscarriage, or more likely we would carry this baby to term and it would not make it past a few days without functioning kidneys and lungs. It pretty much seemed like a death sentence. We were set up with a genetics counselor and a procedure called a CVS was scheduled on Tuesday for a sample of my placenta to be taken and processed to see if it was a lethal chromosomal disorder that had caused this cyst.

Eden and I spent the rest of that day letting our close friends and family know the news and to ask them to pray. We ate our lunch in tears at one of our favorite Thai spots (our sweet waiter was so confused), took the day off, went home and just prayed and wept and lamented. Eden wrote out an email about what happened and sent it to our close friends and family who knew about the pregnancy, and as encouragement after encouragement rolled in, Eden and I felt so floored by the love that was shown to us. Some of our closest friends showed up to the Good Friday service we went to, and afterwards as they just enveloped us in hugs and held us and stood by us as we ugly cried, we felt the power of deep, stormy-weather friendship that ministered to the depths of my soul. We felt the nearness and the goodness of God in such a sweet and tangible way as I started to understand what scripture means when it says that we fellowship with Jesus in our sufferings. We caught a glimpse of the pain that the Father must have felt to give up His own Son to death and to separation from Him. I barely knew this baby and it hurt so much, I can’t imagine how much it must have hurt to have known His Son for all of eternity and to endure that.

That next morning, as I took my prenatal vitamins and all the emotions and tears came again, and as I considered how we were likely going to carry this baby to term and to see him or her pass away within a week - I lamented to God that I didn’t think I could handle it. The emotion of knowing what is to come and not being able to stop it - how I was going to respond to people who congratulated me when I started to really show, whether or not we could have a baby shower and prepare a room - but in these days the Lord gave me and Eden a growing trust that He is truly faithful and will supply all the grace that we need to do whatever He has called us to do. As I met with God that morning and prayed with more desperation than I’ve ever prayed, my college mentor Debbie emailed me this song and these lyrics from All That is to Come by Christy Nockels:

So take all that I dream, take all that I plan

You hold all my days, here within Your hands

And somedays I might run, somedays I might crawl

But Jesus find my heart, is Yours through it all

And hear me say, yes and amen

Tomorrow You'll be faithful again

And I'll praise You, God, for all You are

And all I am, for You are my portion

Forever, for all there was

And all that is now

And all that is to come

I was honestly fearful of the days to come but I knew God was going to be with me. Multiple people sent and prayed this Scripture from Isaiah 43:1-4 over us this weekend:

But now thus says the Lord,

he who created you, O Jacob,

he who formed you, O Israel:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…

Because you are precious in my eyes,

and honored, and I love you,

Eden and I truly felt that Jesus was with us in the waters, standing in the fire with us - that He is the God who chooses suffers with us, who has wounds. No other God is like that.

Fast forward to yesterday (Tuesday). We were scheduled with another doctor to give us a second opinion and to do the CVS procedure. He walked in with his resident and nurse and quickly did an ultrasound to find where my placenta was to start the procedure, and our hearts dropped when we saw the huge black spot again. We were hoping for a miracle and knew that so many people were praying for this baby. He informed us that he wasn’t told that he needed to give us a second opinion, but with some insistence from Eden (who was bent on seeing God do something), the doctor did a transvaginal ultrasound to get a better look, and and to our shock he was able to find both kidneys and a bladder that looked like it was functioning well. The doctor took almost 30 minutes (in a double-booked appointment with another patient waiting) looking at every structure around the cyst and doing some awe-inspiring detective work to figure out what this cyst was. After some deliberation, he could say with confidence that this cyst was not on the kidneys at all, that we had 2 functioning kidneys - and that it was most likely a stand-alone cyst that might have developed in the embryo from the bowel or another organ, but it didn’t look attached to anything. Although it was very large, he didn’t think it would cause problems since it was located in the belly and very soft, but that we would keep a close eye on it to make sure it wasn’t causing heart failure. But he thought we would have a healthy pregnancy and possibly the baby would need surgery to remove the cyst after birth if it was causing issues. He took the time to study the pictures over his lunch and made sure not to give us a diagnosis until he was very sure.

Eden and I looked at each other in disbelief. It was a miracle in a different sense and I literally squealed and jumped up and down when I walked out of the waiting room. Over these last few days, we had developed an affection for this baby that we never knew. What an honor to be parents to this kid that had 100+ people pouring over in prayer for him. My friend had prayed that I could see a vision for this baby’s life, and I truly feel that the Lord has something wild prepared for this little guy.

We thank you for loving us, for joining us in prayer, for crying with us, for rejoicing with us. What a journey carrying this child has been and will continue to be.

[remindersofgrace]

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

[remindersofgrace]

2016

In 2016, I turned 26 and officially entered the latter half of my 20’s. I began exploring calligraphy and found much joy in creating things again. I worked my last night shift and became a day-shift nurse at Saint John’s, then after months of restlessness and conviction, left that incredible floor to become a clinic nurse and serve the population I feel I’ve been called to serve. We found a church home at Epiphany LA and became renewed in excitement for how the gospel might move in South LA’s Crenshaw area. Eden and I went to New Zealand with Fishermen Labs and explored the country from bottom-to-top in a Jucy camper van (not my idea). I got to witness some of my closest friends getting married in Maryland and California. We said hello to baby Larsen and see-you-later to Amanda. We visited Portland with our buds and decided that we still want to live in LA. Eden joined the board of a missions organization called Pioneers that has encouraged our hearts in the worthiness of Christ and His desire for the nations. I stopped using social media on my phone and discovered that nobody really cares all that much about what I’m doing, which is surprisingly liberating. Eden and I celebrated 3 years of marriage together and now finally have some weekly rhythms with my new work schedule. We still really like each other and are starting to think a little bit more about babies, although I’m still terrified at the thought. We shall see what 2017 brings.

When I look back on this year, I see so much evidence of God’s grace and sovereign hand, even in the midst of my fear and weakness. I still can’t believe I’m working at the same clinic that I heard about 4 years ago when I went to my first CCHF conference the summer after graduating, nervously looking for an opportunity to speak with Dr. Katy White and Dr. Wayne Aoki without looking like an awkward and desperate new graduate nurse. Years later, even though I was working in an acute care setting on oncology, something continued to propel me to go to Christian Community Health Fellowship conferences year after year, and this year finally gave me the unction to quit my job and work as a nurse among the underserved. God knew that my timid heart needed something drastic enough (like LACHC’s clinic nurse suddenly taking medical leave) to make me make the hard and fast decision to quit a job that I loved at a great hospital with incredibly loving and supportive staff. He gave me reckless faith to take that temporary 4-month job even though there wasn’t a guarantee of future employment after Sergio returned from medical leave. Yet He provided a permanent job for me there as of December and I’ll be working as the second clinic nurse once Sergio returns on January 9th. I have loved these last months of working at this little clinic on Skid Row. Most of our patients are homeless, some on the street and others in the shelters that are nearby. I’ve seen the ugliness of addiction up close - a physical depiction of how sin initially brings pleasure but in the end will destroy you and those around you. I’ve also seen patients beam with joy and life as they tell me they are 6 months sober from crack, and when I ask them how they did it, they almost always attribute it to God. “God is looking out for me. He’s got me. He’s been so good to me.” I’ve had a patient who came in for wound care, weeping because he couldn’t manage his wounds while on the street and maggots were coming out of his wounds as I changed the dressings. I saw this same man a month later, after a stint in the hospital and now in transitional care - now a different man, smiling, showing me his healing wounds and how he had learned to take care of it from the hospital nurses. I’m starting to know some patients by name and am learning their stories. Each morning I walk into Skid Row, I feel a sadness in the pit of my stomach that this is not how things were meant to be. I still feel at a loss about how to truly help people who are homeless while preserving their dignity and not fueling their addictions. But I am grateful to be part of an organization with staff who feel it to be their calling to love the marginalized in the name of Jesus. At 6:40 each morning, a group of us gather to worship and to pray for our clinic before it opens. It’s one of the sweetest parts of my day. I cherish the conversations I get to have with patients when they come in for their PPD readings, with the patients I see each week as I give them their meds for latent tuberculosis. I love the grace that my Spanish-speaking patients give me as I painstakingly attempt to communicate and learn Spanish. 

  This might be the first year where I feel that the neighborhood that I live in, the work that I do, and the heartbeat of my church are all in alignment. There is a joy and an excitement to be in that place of focus and I am excited for what 2017 has in store for South LA. Back in July, we were starting to look for a new church home and weren’t sure where we were going to go. We loved our old church Reality LA but it seemed so far removed from our context in south LA, and we didn’t know of any other solid churches in our neighborhood. Eden was randomly back visiting Reality LA with an out-of-town friend and ran into our old CG coach who asked if we had heard of Tommy Forester, a pastor who was church-planting in south LA. Eden looked up Epiphany LA and saw that it was going to be more in the USC area which was outside of our neighborhood, but decided to meet up with Tommy anyways to befriend a like-minded brother. Tommy told Eden that they had just decided not to plant at USC, but were instead going to focus on the Crenshaw/Baldwin Hills area, which is literally our neighborhood. We started checking it out and have loved being a part of it ever since. This body of motley brothers and sisters have become one of the most precious gifts to me of 2016. What a beautiful picture of multi-ethnicity and multi-socioeconomic backgrounds, but deep unity in Christ. It’s been so refreshing being part of a church that is centered around a gospel that doesn't neglect matters of justice and poverty, but instead is the engine of its mission. This month, the Foresters are moving to our block, and two women from my church are moving into our back unit. I’m so stoked to see what God does with 7th Ave. We just got access to the Crenshaw YMCA to have our Sunday services there, and will be starting up life community groups in our homes and neighborhoods. God is at work in this place. 

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5:1-5 ESV)

In last year’s 2015 post, I wrote that I wanted to have a more steadfast heart. At that time, I don’t think I realized that steadfastness and endurance are a result of suffering. I’m not sure if I grew in steadfastness this year, but I have realized just how averse I am to any kind of suffering or difficulty in my life, just how much I have idolized a life of comfort and ease. It’s the reason why I don’t feel ready to have kids, it’s why my attitude instantly goes sour and fretful the moment that I am tired, hungry, or in pain. How so many opportunities are wasted when I hold back for fear of failure, pain, or discomfort. In 2017, I’m praying once again for this heart to grow in steadfastness of hope as I learn to trust my Almighty God at His Word, to lean on His understanding and not my own, and to take risks for the sake of the glorious name of Christ.  

To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ. (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12 ESV)

[remindersofgrace]

From Santa Monica to Skid Row

It's time to write again. I realized that my last post was at the end of 2015! A lot has happened since then but I wanted to share about what God's been doing in my work.

Let's rewind to May of 2012. At this point, I knew that I wanted to be in community health after a clinical rotation in nursing school where we got the chance to work with men in an addiction program at Gateway Homeless Center. It was there that I felt I had found my people, where I learned that every person has a story to be listened to. My last year before graduating, I had a mentor who told me about Christian Community Health Fellowship, and at that conference I met doctors, nurses, and other healthcare workers that were spending their lives sharing the gospel through healthcare to the poor and underserved. I can't tell you how much that changed me, to see gifted Christian practitioners young and old living as missionaries in the urban and rural contexts they were in. It was also at this conference that I learned more about LA Christian Health Centers (more on that later). A few months after that conference, I graduated from nursing school in Atlanta, moved to Los Angeles, and through a crazy series of events, got hired as a parish nurse in underserved communities in Hollywood. Yet that parish nursing job was perhaps the right job at the wrong time, as I felt completely unprepared and ill-equipped to meet the complex needs of this population. I knew that I needed a stronger clinical foundation and ended up transitioning out of that job into a new graduate RN program at Saint John's Health Center, a hospital in Santa Monica. Over the next 3 years and up until September of this year, I came to love this floor's staff and patients and realized that my oncology floor was truly a rare specimen. From my director to charge nurses, to fellow nurses and CNA's, I loved coming to work and my coworkers were truly my friends. I came to really know some of my patients and developed bonds that have made an indelible mark on me as a nurse. I had finally grown a sense of confidence and comfort in my nursing practice. But I kept my foot in that community health door, volunteering at LA Christian Health Centers and continuing to go to CCHF conferences every year.

Starting in May of this year, after another CCHF conference, I had this growing restlessness in my heart that it was time to return to community health. As wonderful as my hospital job was, I couldn't help but sense that I was called to serve a different group of people. We had moved to an inner-city neighborhood, started attending a neighborhood church, but the hours of my work days seemed far removed from this passion for serving the poor and underserved. I continued to dawdle for a few months and then the CCDA (Christian Community Development Association) conference rolled around in the beginning of September. It was then that I decisively knew that this chapter in the hospital was coming to an close. After returning from that conference, I finally told my director that I was thinking of leaving, and was overwhelmed with her loving response and support. I began applying for jobs but nothing seemed to be a fit. I was afraid to work at a clinic that was poorly run, or filled with jaded staff workers. I always wanted to work at LA Christian but at that time they didn't have any RN positions available.

But on Sept 20, I got a call from the nursing director at LA Christian that their clinic nurse at Joshua House was now on medical leave and they needed a temporary replacement as soon as possible. There wasn't a guarantee of a permanent position, and the orientation might be rough, but something in me knew that this was my Heavenly Father's way of lovingly pushing His hesitant, fearful, comfort-driven daughter to walk in His way. I stayed up late that night praying and that morning read Matthew 9 in my devotion plan.

"As Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, "Follow me.' And he rose and followed him." (Matthew 9:9)

I have decided to follow Jesus. Jesus, who in perfect compassion sought out the marginalized, those cast out by society. Jesus, who binds up the broken-hearted. Jesus, who proclaims good news to the poor.

And as I was praying through my fear of being inadequate for this position, I read this passage:

"When he entered the house, the blind men came to him, and Jesus said to them, 'Do you believe that I am able to do this?' They said to him, 'Yes, Lord.'" (Matthew 9:28)

Do I believe that God is able to do this? To make the weak strong? To equip the ill-equipped? I believe. Help my unbelief.

I put in my 2 weeks that day after reading this chapter, had my last day at Saint John's on 10/6, and my first day at LA Christian on 10/10.

It's been a blur, but I have no doubt that this is part of my Father's perfect plan.

I'm loving it so far. But that's for another blog post.

[remindersofgrace]

Reflections on 2015

2015 came and went quietly. I was almost tempted to forgo my yearly reflection since not much seemed to happen, but in hindsight I have never regretted taking the time to think and to write. So here goes. In 2015, I turned 25 and was surprised successfully by Eden for perhaps the first time in our marriage. We went on an epic cruise to the Mediterranean with fourteen soon-to-become-close friends and witnessed breathtaking beauty in so many forms. In June, we officially parted with our church family and community group at Reality LA to join a small church in our neighborhood called Cornerstone South LA. We got to witness Love LA for the first time, the summer camp that my church holds for almost 90 elementary-aged kids in our neighborhood. In July, Eden and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary as husband and wife, and this past December our 1-year anniversary of living in south LA. We saw the Capel’s, Hu’s, Van Thof’s, Cheung’s, McElroy’s, Tan’s, Huang’s, and Aguirre’s get hitched. I started volunteering at a small clinic in Watts and formed a friendship with the nurse practitioner there named Jane who took the time to know me, teach me, and be an example for me. My friend Ainsley moved to Nor Cal and the Denzer’s moved to Minneapolis. I was blessed to have my friendships deepened with Amanda and Jackie, and to have old sweet MD friendships grow with Shannon and Sandy. I worked another year of night-shift and have truly grown to love my night crew who has cared for me so well. But that chapter is coming to a close as I am finishing up my last week of night-shifts this week and starting on days on January 10th. Although my heart aches more than it ever has, I have truly grown to love working with oncology patients this year. I think I can see myself doing this for a while. 

Some of the staff from the oncology unit at Saint John’s

Two of our amazing neighbors who took us into their home, fed us, and shared their wonderful Christmas traditions with us! The guy on the left is 92!! 

In Venice with this delightful crew

Thankful for friendships that last 20+ years!

Ever thankful for this family and our visits home. Thank you for loving me well and for being honest and open. Love you guys!! 

This man continues to love me so well and so patiently. It’s been exciting to see him doing exactly what he was made to do and to see Fishermen Labs grow. 

I feel like this year was a year of learning to trust in God’s sufficiency in all things. Honestly, I was a bit of a mess this year. I lived with a sense of failure in most of the areas of my life, a constant nagging that I was not enough. Not quick-thinking or organized enough at work, not concentrated enough in my devotions, not self-controlled enough with my besetting habits, not intentional enough with my new church, not loving enough to my husband. My mood and my happiness were so transient this year because they were so wrapped up in the approval of others and in meeting my own standards of success. I felt distant from God because it was easier to self-medicate with food or with mindless entertainment instead of coming to Him. It is a sort of grace that God gives when he doesn’t let me be satisfied with anything outside of Him and I truly experienced that this year. My heart was restless apart from Him because this life was created for glory, to be so overtaken by the love and character of this holy, perfect, loving, wise, patient, gracious God that He would be my Treasure, my reason for living, my joy in all circumstances. And He is so sufficient. Sufficient to make me into the type of nurse He wants me to be. Sufficient to grant me the power to change things about myself that I feel powerless to change myself. Sufficient in providing the community and the friendships that I long for. Sufficient in Jesus’s sacrificial death on the cross that atones for my guilt and inadequacy completely. Sufficient in being truly all that I need and want. Lord, please grant me this faith in your promises of grace to come. 

In 2016, I long for a steadfast heart. A steady heart, a heart that is not fretful the instant that my comfort or reputation is threatened. I long for that unperturbed, inner contentment that is found in living near to God, in knowing how trustworthy He is, and believing that I am accepted in the Beloved and that I am enough because of Christ who forgives all of my iniquities, who heals all my diseases, who redeems my life from the pit, who crowns me with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies me with good. (Psalm 103). 

“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” 

- 2 Corinthians 9:8

[remindersofgrace]

Talk to yourself

“I say that we must talk to ourselves instead of allowing “ourselves” to talk to us! Do you realize what that means? I suggest that the main trouble in this whole matter of spiritual depression in a sense is this, that we allow our self to talk to us instead of talking to our self. Am I just trying to be deliberately paradoxical?Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them, but they start talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc. Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you. Now [the psalmist’s] treatment was this; instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself. “Why art thou cast down, O my soul?” he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says: “Self, listen for a moment, I will speak to you... Why art thou cast down? -- what business have you to be disquieted? ... And then you must go on to remind yourself of God, Who he is, and what God is and what God has done, and what God has pledged Himself to do. Then having done that, end on this great note: defy yourself, and defy other people, and defy the devil and the whole world, and say with this man: “I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance.” 

-Martyn Lloyd-Jones

I have spent a large portion of my life feeling insecure and fearful that I am not enough. The feeling has come up often in my journey with nursing and I still have mornings when I come home and spill out self-deprecating thoughts to Eden about why I don’t feel like I measure up, how I wish that I were more organized, had better time management, had better common sense. It feels so much easier to fall into despondency and list off everything that I feel is deficient about me. The shift could have actually gone pretty well but if I felt like I failed in one regard or disappointed a patient or coworker, I become so transfixed on that failure and forget everything else. My mind instantly wanders off into comparison with other nurses about how they seem so confident, thorough, and able to handle everything while I still feel that I struggle. 

I read this quotation today from a chapter in John Piper’s Future Grace and was reminded that God’s truth about himself and about me is and will always be the truth, over my thoughts of discouragement that are so much easier to believe. I may be not be the perfect, confident, experienced nurse that I wish that I were right now and have things that I need to improve on, but God is more than able to supply every need that I have according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19). I may not naturally have an organized, detail-oriented, and type-A brain but I am God’s workmanship, created uniquely in Christ Jesus for good works which God has already planned beforehand (Ephesians 2:10). I am beset with weakness and am not sufficient in myself, but God is able to make all grace abound to me so that having all sufficiency (in Him!) in all things at all times, I may abound in every good work (2 Corinthians 9:8). 

I changed my tumblr username today, partially because I don’t think “unsterile” was ever a word, and more specifically because I feel that lately God has been teaching me so much about his grace - its sufficiency, its dependability, and its infinite measure as He supplies through faith all the future grace that I need. He is so good. And His grace is so overwhelmingly sufficient for me. Thanks be to God, and glory and honor and majesty, forever and ever. 

[remindersofgrace]

The pleasure of pride is like the pleasure of scratching. If there is an itch one does want to scratch; but it is much nicer to have neither the itch nor the scratch. As long as we have the itch of self-regard we shall want the pleasure of self-approval; but the happiest moments are those when we forget our precious selves and have neither but have everything else (God, our fellow humans, animals, the garden and the sky) instead...

C.S. Lewis

[remindersofgrace]

It’s not safe, but it is good.

"So ya'll came all the way out to the hood to get a burger, huh?" We were on a double date with the Van Thof's at Fred's Down Home Burgers when this friendly yet clearly surprised gentleman questioned us with a wink in his eye. We must have looked pretty out of place with our white friends hanging out in a historically black neighborhood. "Actually," we answered, "we just moved in the neighborhood," as we pointed towards 7th Avenue. He did a double take. "You guys live here? You don't say..."

It's been officially seven months since Eden and I moved into our new place in south central LA, or South LA as it's been renamed. About a year ago, the thought of moving was not even on our minds. We had grown to love living in Culver City with all of its trendy new businesses and convenient freeway access. All of our newlywed friends were moving into the same neighborhood, and we finally felt like our small group at Reality LA was becoming a close-knit family. Yet when December rolled around and we began to reflect on 2014, we both felt convicted that it was a sleepy year, an easy year - and that we had coasted through on the cruise-control of comfort. We had not given much thought to the poor, the lost, or the kingdom of God, and had spent the majority of our time focusing on ourselves and keeping the areas of our lives nice and neat. At that time, Eden felt the pull to say a simple prayer - that if God was calling us to move somewhere else for the sake of His glory and our own growth, that he would be open to it.

That was the beginning of December. Fast foward about a week later - our realtor Alice sends us information about a beautiful craftsman home that we might want to look into. We had been researching houses that we could buy now and rent out so that we could move in later when we started a family. We asked her to focus on Inglewood because it was still a cheaper option on the westside but also up-and-coming and growing in value. We loved the pictures of the house, but when we Googled the address, we found out that the house wasn't actually in Inglewood but was instead in a neighborhood called Hyde Park in South LA. Being curious, we looked up the crime statistics and our eyes grew increasingly wider and more concerned as we saw the high rates of homicides and crimes involving weapons. We actually considered telling Alice to cancel our appointment to visit the house, but decided in the end that we should still meet this family and see the neighborhood.

We walked into the Moore's house and instantly were welcomed by this sweet family of five. Unbeknownst to us, Matt was a pastor of Cornerstone South LA down the street, one of four pastors who had been sent out by Francis Chan's church to plant a church in South LA. Matt and his wife Sarah love Jesus passionately and for two years had sought to see this neighborhood renewed with the life-changing power of the gospel. They were leaving to pursue a new calling, but had been praying for months that a Christian would buy their home and continue what was happening there. Three hours passed by as Eden and I just sat at their dining table listening to their stories of how this neighborhood has changed them, of the kids and families that had become a sometimes messy but wonderful part of their lives. Boys from the street behind them were in the backyard playing with their kids and a single mom dropped by unannounced to say her goodbyes. Something lit up in my heart that had been dormant for years - a vision for my life that started in my teenage years with an urban ministry in southeast D.C. called Little Lights. Growing up, Eden and I were blessed to have a youth pastor named Joseph who understood the value of urban ministry and sought to acquaint us with Jesus's heart for the poor, the orphaned, and the widowed. My senior year of high school, I got to serve as a camp counselor at Little Light's Camp Heaven. As I witnessed these missionaries laying down their lives to follow Jesus with all that they had, I knew that one day I wanted to move to the inner-city and do the same. That "someday" became more and more distant as I went to college and moved out to LA, but here I was, seeing exemplified in the Moore's lives what I always hoped that my life would be like one day.

After leaving the Moore's place, Eden and I sat in the car in silence for a while and processed what had just happened. I think we both knew that this was not a coincidence and we could not deny that we needed to pray about buying this house and moving in. For the first time in a long time, I felt awake - that feeling you get when you are doing what you were created to do. But doubt and fear creeped in quickly as I rattled off every reason why it was not convenient for us to move at that time - my commute time would more than double, we still loved our old place, and we would only have two weeks to find tenants to rent out our condo while completely moving all of our own belongings out. The idea was crazy. But my husband continued to call me to pray and consider where God was leading us, and eventually I agreed that to walk away from this in our case would be disobedience. By God's incredible grace, I got a loan (which I should not have gotten with that year's salary), we got the house, God provided two awesome tenants for the condo, and we moved all of our things (albeit in garbage bags) into the house by the time the December 18th deadline came. Words could not tell all the small miracles that happened that month. All I can say is that God is almighty and there is nothing He can't do.

A lot of people ask us if our neighborhood is safe. No, we often sleep with the sound of helicopters flying overhead at least a few times a week. No, people are at times arrested in front of our house. But we have neighbors that are starting to know us and look out for us in a way I have never experienced before. And although it might not be safe, it is a good place to live. And I can say with honesty and confidence that there is no place I'd rather be right now. More to come on that later.

[remindersofgrace]

Let Thy Heart Rejoice

2 Corinthians 5:21

For He hath made Him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him.

Mourning Christian! why weepest thou? Art thou mourning over thine own corruptions? Look to thy perfect Lord, and remember, thou art complete in Him; thou art in God's sight as perfect as if thou hadst never sinned; nay, more than that, the Lord our Righteousness hath put a divine garment upon thee, so that thou hast more than the righteousness of man-thou hast the righteousness of God. O Thou who art mourning by reason of inbred sin and depravity, remember, none of thy sins can condemn thee. Thou hast learned to hate sin; but thou hast learned also to know that sin is not thine-it was laid upon Christ's head. Thy standing is not in thyself-it is in Christ; thine acceptance is not in thyself, but in thy Lord; thou art as much accepted of God to-day, with all thy sinfulness, as thou wilt be when thou standest before His throne, free from all corruption. O, I beseech thee, lay hold on this precious thought, perfection in Christ! For thou art "complete in Him." With thy Saviour's garment on, thou art holy as the Holy one. "Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us." Christian, let thy heart rejoice, for thou art "accepted in the beloved"-what hast thou to fear? Let thy face ever wear a smile; live near thy Master; live in the suburbs of the Celestial City; for soon, when thy time has come, thou shalt rise up where thy Jesus sits, and reign at His right hand; and all this because the divine Lord "was made to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him."

-C.H. Spurgeon, Morning and Evening

[remindersofgrace]

Reflections on 2014

And so the time of year has arrived where I marvel at how much my life has changed, and grieve at the ways that it has not. There is so much to rejoice in, and so much to repent of. Sometimes I hesitate to make New Year's Resolutions because I hate to fail, but I think there is something worthwhile about reflecting on the past year and rededicating, refocusing, resolving to wake up from complacency.

This time last year, I was half a year into marriage, settled into Culver City, and just about to start the new graduate RN program at Saint John's. I began working the night shift and found it to be not just bearable but enjoyable. I also came home multiple times after a hard work day assured that I was a horrible fit for nursing. But I have slowly come to accept the fact that I am learning - in nursing, marriage, and life, and to trust that God can and will equip me for all that He has called me to. I experimented with Chinese cooking a little more via fobby Youtube videos and got some personal lessons from my amazing mother. I still don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm getting closer. The girls in my community group started studying Philippians together and we grew in depth to each other and in love for the Word of God. My sister and I started up weekly phone chats that have enriched my soul. One of my best friends in LA got married and as a bridesmaid I got to witness the blessed marriage of two Jesus-lovers united in Christ. I started volunteering at Los Angeles Christian Health Center in Skid Row which has reopened my eyes to the great need in this city.

Today, we are 1.5 years into marriage, recently moved into a house in south central LA (which I will write about in a future post), and almost at 1 full year of acute care nursing. My admiration for my husband has grown day by day as I have watched him grow as a gifted, responsible, thoughtful, and God-fearing man. My community group's intimacy has grown this past year, and though we've lost some good friends to other continents (here's looking at you, Reinier), we've grown to love some new brothers and sisters in Christ.

In many ways though, things haven't changed. If I have to be honest, it was a sleepy year. A distracted year. I felt like I let my life run on cruise-control and got more and more settled into a comfortable and easy life. There was less poring into the Bible, less retreats of solitude to seek fellowship with God, less denial and more indulgence of self. Many times I chose to follow my flesh rather than to follow the Spirit. And not surprisingly, I felt more dry, less satisfied, less fruitful. Choosing anything other than Jesus has never truly satisfied me. But I thank God that He is jealous for me. He will not leave me in this place but lets me feel the emptiness of choosing anything above Him. And I believe that He is waking me up.

I love reading through some of Jonathan Edward's resolutions. They seem to be over-the-top at times but I wonder if us Christians have just become so lax in the way that we pursue God. It is my desire that my eyes will be increasingly opened this year to the glorious beauty of Christ and be ready to give up everything in order to gain more of Him.

Here are some of my favorites from Edwards:

1. "Resolved, that I will do whatsoever I think to be most to God’s glory, and my own good, profit and pleasure, in the whole of my duration, without any consideration of the time, whether now, or never so many myriad’s of ages hence. Resolved to do whatever I think to be my duty and most for the good and advantage of mankind in general. Resolved to do this, whatever difficulties I meet with, how many and how great soever."

6. Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live.

Some of my own resolutions:

1) To spend unadulterated time alone with God in the mornings, even if it only be for a short time (thankful to have a porch at our new place) 2) To memorize Philippians with our community group 3) To cook more for Eden and for others and learn to grow in hospitality 4) To work harder at maintaining the home and not to be so lazy 5) To spend less time in discouragement and more time praying and trusting in God's promises

I hope that at this time last year, I will not mourn that I was asleep. God, awaken us and open our eyes to all that You are and all that You desire for us.

And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

-Colossians 1: 9-14