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[remnantsofyourcigarette-blog]

Coming to terms...

When I said before that I never really thought back to our experience since it ended, i really meant not even once. Not a trip, not a day, not a feeling nothing. I dropped it all that day and i swept it to the abyss of my mind. But like I said, after our short interaction, I felt like there were unresolved remnants between us, and I wanted to close them. So I talked to a few people, I went down to the river, and I thought it through. I looked at our photos, I brought my mind back to a place i thought was dismissal, and for the first time, all these months later, I feel like Im just processing through it all. I thought after I sent you that message trying to close the gaps, things would feel closed. But this week, it's so strange. All the days we spent together are slowly coming back to me. I'm literally getting flashbacks and I walk, and go about my day. I'm in a meeting and I'm presenting, but at the same time my mind is splitting and reissuing the experience back to me. It is so strange, these once non-nostalgic experiences are suddenly feeling like their happening in real time. Times of us in the grass at the park, watching your face and thinking about whats going through your mind, the seemingly endless nights when I wouldnt let you leave my car. Pushing me up the hill in SF. All that delicious indian food i was gonna make you try. Oh and did we deep throat a banana? Haha i dont remember why we did that but gosh that was so fun. Damn...I miss you.  But at the same time, I have to recongnize that I know it was not the right time. It's hard for me to explain, but I went into my internship thinking I had a job secured. It was supposed to be May to December then convert and start full time. So for the first time, I thought I was ready to start dating. But the business unit I was in tanked, and suddendly me converting to full time was highly unlikely. It kept me up at night not having a plan. I was applying for jobs literally all over the US, and I wouldve taken one anywhere at that point, even north dakota. And with that pivot, I had people around telling me it did not make sense to date. It was more than likely I wouldn't be in Sac past December. And they were right, and I shouldnt have ever tried dating until I knew what I was doing. And that's my fault.  I still believe breaking things off was the correct thing to do, but I do regret the way I did it. I regret not being able to be there for you during your trials and tribulations, especially with your father, and I regret being a primary contributing factor to them. The experiences I had during my internship, the people i've met, the places I went, I learned so much about life and myself, and the world around me. It has changed the core of who I am, i had experiences that i will never in my life get to have again and I would never forgive myself if I didnt experience them. I shouldve explained that to you. Even if we continued things, they were bound to fall through because of this. I couldnt commit to you and be fully in it. I needed time and space but it wouldnt have been fair to make you wait for an uncertain future. I remember starting to feel torn while we were together because I felt like before me was this opportunity to push the boundaries of my being and revolutinize who I was as a person by throwing myself whole heartedly into the experience of being 600miles from home, and living everyday I had here like it was my last. This was the last mile before I finished school and would pivot to adulthood. Was I ready to date? I begin to question myself. But at the same time I had someone that I felt for like I never felt for anyone before, and had the opportunity to throw myself whole heartedly into as well. I talked to everyone around me about this, everyone but you, and that was a huge mistkae. I wasnt transparent. Everyone reminded me of my youthful age, my coworkers obviously pushed me into their direction, and at the end of the day, I decided I couldn't be emotionally available at that time in my life. I stil feel this was the right decision. But what I did after making that decision was an absolute fuck up.  I didnt want to hurt you. I could feel your pain when I first began to bring signs out that things were going to break off, I knew exactly how you were feeling. But you were the first person i've ever really dated, so I never had to deal with this before. I've never been responsible for someones well being, and all could think of was how you trusted me with it. I didn't konw how to handle it, I tried to guide you through it initially, but like I said before, I honestly grew jealous of other things, and I came to the conclusion the best person to help you through it shouldnt be the person causing it. At the same time i honestly forgot how to function without you. I knew we needed time apart before but at the same time i didnt want to accept that. But at the same time i knew i couldn't commit. It was all mushed in my mind. We had constant chaotic fights after things broke off, and with everything that was happening around me with shcool, and work, and at my home home, I couldn't figure it out. I projected the absolute worst version of my self with handling the situation, and im so so sorry for leaving you the way I did.  I'm sure these flashbacks will pass as quick as theyre coming, but I just want you to know that I really appreciate who you are, and I was lucky to ever call you mine. Im sorry for what I did, i gave you so many reasons to despise me. I hope youre able not to just forget about it, but to forgive me. Ik everyone close to you prolly hates me, and i cant blame them. But i hope youre able to see me a neutral term again. I never thought i would ask that, i felt like my pride would always guide me. I ended up getting an offer from intel, by the grace of god of course. My internship came to an end and i took a month off to spend time with my family back in AZ before beginning the next stage of my life. This week I'm remembering your unconditoinal kind heart, all the love you had to give, your hard work and dedication to your job, school, and your family and friends. I'm thinking of ways that I can incoperate your practices of selflessness into my own life. You're a great brother, you're a great son, you're a great man. I'm sorry for what I did, I probably am attatched to negative feelings in your mind, but I hope we can good friends again one day. I'm happy that you found Hayden. I bet he is a killer guy, and one of a kind. You deserve nothing less. I'm sorry for the anger, hurt, and neurotic chaos that I inspiried. I'll cherish my experience with you forever. You're doing great in life, and youre on your way to do even greater things. I hope you dont mind if I check up on you from time to time. I do miss you, but I trust youre in good hands. If you ever need anything, you always have a friend in me. Gabe 02/2019