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Journal Entry 2/28/2017

Things happen I guess, kinda got myself in a pickle trying to prove my point the other day and at the end our all the point wasn't proven to the person I was doing all this for. It was on my mind AAALLLLL day, I'm trying to shake it but the thought are just getting worse. Anger, confusion and regret are flooding my brain. Feels like I'm missing something, something very important. I'm losing my mind. I went to work and tried to shake the thoughts by putting on my headphones and playing on of my audio books. Let's try to get some good thoughts in. One thing about me, even I know I can't force myself to do but so much. The self discipline, strive for better, get your life together audiobook lasted a whopping 2 minutes, I even forgot what the book said. Trying to trick myself ended in a complete failure. Second try though…...success! Oh not with the audio book, I cut on Tidal and started the Big Sean movement! Now some of you may or may not like Big Sean but I'm a huge fan, let me give you guys some background on why. So before there was a comedian Remo Millz I was an audio engineer. My first audio engineering gig was with DMX (holding a boom microphone for a reality show) I'm a HUGE DMX fan and anybody who knows me, knows I take pride in my DMX impressions lol. My first studio audio engineering gig was none other than Big Sean. Dude was cool as a polar bear hug. I remember I got the call to come to the studio, I was a student looking for an internship. Got there and the engineer on deck was my homeboy Malik M16 (awesome engineer and person by the way but I'll save that experience for another post), he buzzed me in and I came in the studio for the first time amazed, this place was dope. The vibe in the studio was on point and when I walked in the room I had NO freaking idea who the hell Big Sean was. They were working on a track with Pharrell called DT(Get it), which ironically stands for Donald Trump, what are the odds. Track was hot though, now me being new to this environment I did what I usually do, especially at that time I stayed out the way and remained silent until spoken to. After a couple hours I couldn't help myself, I said to Big Sean “yo is that Pharrell?” Sean said “yea” I was like”wow this is dope”. After hearing who this guy was and the studio chatter I pulled out my laptop googled him. He had just signed a contract with Kanye West. I think the ink was still drying and he was working on songs for his album. I sat there for a couple more hours (it was an 8 hour block session) then I just asked “is Kanye really an asswhole like everybody says he is?” Everybody started laughing Sean was like no, his road manager who was chilling in studio also said “no”, I looked at Malik and he was like “no” but Malik was more like shaking his head “noooooo” you're not supposed to ask questions like that. We laughed and continued to chill, close to the end Malik let me get on the board and get my hands dirty on the sound board. That session lasted till 2 am, which after a couple session I realized that was the norm, in fact it was kind of early for a regular season to end (some days lasted till 5 or 6 am). I remember when we were leaving he said “you coming back tomorrow bro” and I said “yea” he said “aight”, but, something happened and I couldn't show up the next day, kinda regret that but in a nutshell that's how I became a Big Sean fan. So at this time in my life I needed that memory, the song I helped work on ended up making the album. I'm a huge fan of the new album (I decided) so I played Voices in my head/Stick to the plan, Bigger than me and DT(Get it) for 3 hours straight. Can't say if I feel better or not but my ear was definitely ringing lol. Anyway gotta go Journal, hopefully I will be back tomorrow to empty my thoughts, love you and take care. -@Remo_Millz

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Journal Entry 2/27/2017

So many thoughts are running through my mind right now and I don’t know why but it seems like the biggest voice is concern. The biggest whisper is fear and the obvious is they both block the voice that matters and that’s greatness. Currently I’m trying to train my brain to understand what’s worth the time and energy, disassociate with habits that cause me to lose valuable time and money. As a person there are steps and levels you can only achieve through maximum concentration, no distractions. Being able to decipher these habits aren’t a mystery but at the same time its not easy. I have games on my phone that waste my time but I can’t delete. Now to a person reading this they would think “just do it, its not hard” and to that person I say it is. To me these 2 games have become a comfort zone, I find unconscious comfort in playing these games. When the world is in a dissaray I can turn on this game, and even if I lose I am content with the feeling that the game gives me. I’m able to put together different strategies and try them, when I fail I start again. There have been winning streaks and there have been losing streaks but the part that keeps me coming back is the feeling. How things make you feel really contribute to your mental strength and your will to fight for or against things. If a person makes you feel happy you want to be around them, even if this person has hurt other people. This person could be incarcerated and you will still go because of a feeling. Even if the feeling is for someone you are taking to see the person, like when a person takes a child to see someone they don’t necessarily agree with, its for the feeling you are hoping the child has. Think about your feelings, think about your positives and the feelings that grow from a smiling heart. I have downloaded various books to help me divide from my feelings of the need to play these video games and that’s just step 1. I promised myself that I would be a millionaire in 10 years, one thing about me is I don’t make a lot of promises. When I was young I heard the word slung around so carelessly its made me treat that word like a fragile vase. Due to the shape, cost and durability of this vase I can’t just set it anywhere or give it to just anyone because it has to be taken care of. Everything you say you will do with this fragile object must be done or this vase will break, forcing you to endure the painfully patient and tedious act of putting it back together. Nobody really likes that process, but the vase is just that important. Anyway Gotta go Journal, hopefully I will be back tomorrow to empty my thoughts, love you and take care. - @Remo_Millz