remotespontaneouscombustion

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

“and in the half-light which precedes the dream, I begged my gods, whose names I do not know, to send something or someone into my days.”

— Jorge Luis Borges, from 1972; Selected Poems of J.L. Borges (ed. by Alexander Coleman)

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

“Most have been forgotten. Most deserve to be forgotten. The heroes will always be remembered. The best. The best and the worst. And a few who were a bit of both.”

ygo saikyo card battle's protagonist && ocg structure's top star! akaboshi ouza. not affiliated with fandom. rules. about. sideblog. a study in growing up way to fast && gifted child burnout.

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

Very small promo. Side blog for the protagonist of the tag force games ! Playing with time in a very terrible manner that'll give people nightmares!

Minimalistic && nearly iconless.

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

how is there so much going on inside of my head but aIso literally nothing

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

[to: Ouza] It was, thank you for your help with this

[to: Ouza] I feel like I'm never fully aware of how out of it I am with things until I face them like that

[to: Ouza] It's nice to finally be in the loop so to speak, and be able to reach out easier if needed

[ ☆ ] » [sms] oh, that's good.

[sms] you picked it out, it be a shame if it didn't work.

[sms] mhm. shopping was fun.

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

@cardplays

[to: Ouza] I think

[to: Ouza] I'm figuring out this texting thnig

[to: Ouza] Mostly sent texts for people before. Never had my own phone before

[to: Ouza] Feels a bit strange, but easier to keep in contact

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

He nodded in agreement, thinking there should in fact be people who could explain this. He feels like he'd probably had experience with those sort of adult figures once but... they no longer exist in his memory; so their effect on him seems mostly null now. Leading to him personally flitting through his life, unaware of what he was supposed to do with it. Especially now that...

She's gone. She never came for me. Where did they go? I should--

I should be here.

He's not particularly sure he really belongs where he's ended up in truth, but he's here anyway; with Ouza. His feelings still get so tied up in knots that it almost feels hard to breathe, but this is contradicted by his feelings here. These are overwhelming, yes, but they're so overpowering that they quiet the storm in his mind. It brings to light new questions however, it's not like he knows what he'll do if Ouza one day tires of him.

As she must have. I wasn't strong enough then. I couldn't prove to her that I was better than all of them.

But is there anything to prove now?

It's so silent in his mind in response. It's so quiet in a way he's not used to. In a way that makes him more clearly responsive when Ouza speaks again, this time about personal happiness. He watches his small smile, still not used to the way his chest flutters to see it.

But the question he poses in return? That's a difficult one, it was so easy to answer once. Or...maybe it never was, in reality. He closes his eyes in thought, almost wishing he had a more uplifting answer from the beginning.

"I don't really know," he replies. "I thought I knew, and I probably did know once, but I don't anymore. I'm still trying to figure that out."

He opens his eyes again to meet Ouza's gaze.

"...But being here with you makes me happy, as does petting animals, playing with sparklers, and the occasional video games I've gotten to try have also been fun, I think."

He lightly shrugs, "...But while I am trying to figure out what makes me happy...it's actually sort of exciting to me, to find things that do."

He manages his own small smile at the thought, and over the fact he does this so effortlessly here. There's no need to pretend, to act like his life was perfectly normal. Something about that made him feel better than he had in a long while.

[ ☆ ] » Ouza’s quiet as Maki mused - it was a familiar silence, not unlike the quietest birdsong or the way water rippled when disturbed by a leaf. It’s…pleasant to say the least, to know he didn’t have to hold every facade && whispered promise others claimed nor to remain headstrong in the face of adversity. He could only keep it up for so long until his core began to crack -- && even then, he still had to keep going. It was awful, that type of thing. 

Fingers didn’t dig, instead holding loosely, but the feeling remained. It was rare Ouza found solace in anything beyond his small group of friends - or his dog for that matter. So what then? Maybe it was because Maki was within his age range && seemed to understand the core loneliness in which it came with heavy duty. 

He can't handle that thought right now. He blinks as he finally processes exactly what Ouza had said. Slightly slower than he should have, and without knowing Maki he might've seemed like he betrayed no outward emotion during that time. But he'd been holding onto Ouza's hand in return, and careful observation would've betrayed excitement in those wide mismatching eyes of his.

“I guess… we don’t really know for sure.” Ouza had years upon years to grow up - yet everyday was like the last, minus the rare exceptions, Maki’s returning grip had Ouza return his hold in kind, fingernails idly running over Maki’s gloves. Textures he loved. When he grew up - would he start to hate them? What made his style his own? “You’d think there’d be people who explain that.”

He didn’t know about sitting or standing - he was simply leaning against him. Maybe he should pull away, but Maki didn’t move - so… he didn’t. 

Ouza had more than enough money to retire now, but Maki didn’t. How different would their lives be if…? “I don’t have a lot of things that do make me happy,” unfortunately. The sentiment does get Ouza to smile. It’s a small smile - one that reached his eyes, but barely curled lips. Small - matching Maki’s own minute motions. It was nice - not to overact, not to fake a feeling. 

“What things make you happy?”

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

which private expression of love do you most represent?

A deep conversation in an unusual place

an amusement park ride. in the ocean. the roof of your apartment building. the cereal aisle. you’re telling them something you’ve never told anybody before. you don’t expect them to get it but they do. you’ve never felt so known. you’ve never felt so seen. the words you’re saying feel too big to say at the grocery store, on the rollercoaster, anywhere. but they listen and the understand and they love you more now than they ever did before.

Tagged by: @cardplays

Tagging: anyone who would like to!

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

He doesn't batch much of an eye about being out of the loop on things. Though it also depends on what things in particular.

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

They are going to slide Maki a roomba. As a treat.

Oh? He looks over curiously as a roomba slides over to him that isn't causing mayhem just yet. How interesting, considering it likely should be--

Oh. He gets it. There's no denying the grin on his face, as he lays his hand flat on the top of it before he lets it go on its way. He's pretty sure people have talked before about thinking of these little cleaning robots almost like pets.

But it's too bad, he feels no such attachment. As he hears the roomba he was given bonk against a wall down the hall, with a quick flick by his face it explodes on the spot. Much to the horror of the nearby staff from what he could tell, who already had their hands full with the existing fire that now had more added to it. He's sure they're yelling words about it, but it's all white noise to Maki.

He snickers as he holds his hand to his mouth, looking as though he was trying to stifle the sound-- but in truth he's just not used to actually laughing at this (or much of anything). But there is something very amusing about all of this; not just so simply a stress relief today.

"Thank you, for the invitation into the chaos." He says, still quietly snickering.

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

Can't say he doesn't approve of the mass amounts of destruction happening in Port Mafia currently.

He does wonder how the hell it started, but he's also a little too amused to question it.

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

@cardplays : [ ☆ ] » "But what the hell is 'growing up?' and tell me when will I be?" He gingerly took Maki's hand in his own, glove against glove, leaning against the physically stronger boy. "It's rough - everyone expects so much out me. Glad you don't though. It's... nice." english "lost one's weeping" per/na 5, Akane Sasu Sora. post in relationship because of song roll

This is still a new experience to him, and one in which the intense feelings behind it still linger and get mixed up in his mind. When left to think on it on his own for too long, it could lead him down paths that bring him towards something resembling heavy anxiety. But in Ouza's company? It was like a soft pillow pressed heavily to his chest, it was what he assumed people described 'fuzzy feelings' to be like. Though undeniably, also with a pressure he was unaccustomed to as of yet.

He's talking, and Maki hears him, but he's wide-eyed as Ouza holds onto his own gloved hand. An action he was not unfamiliar with and yet it feels so different this time than it ever did before. Why? Was that not--

He can't handle that thought right now. He blinks as he finally processes exactly what Ouza had said. Slightly slower than he should have, and without knowing Maki he might've seemed like he showed no outward emotion during that time. But he'd been holding onto Ouza's hand in return, and careful observation would've betrayed excitement in those wide mismatching eyes of his.

"I don't know myself," he replies at last. "I have a hard time processing what 'growing up' is supposed to be like too."

I can't imagine myself as anyone other than what I am now, even though growing up is supposed to involve... change, right?

Is that what this is?

"...I can't even begin to think of what kind of expectation I'd have on you," he adds while shaking his head slightly. "Nothing, beyond whatever makes you happy."

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

Headcanon: Contractor Humanity

Within the canon of Darker than Black we are presented with a brand of superhuman that appeared with the arrival of two supernatural areas known as Heaven's Gate and Hell's Gate. They're known as Contractors, recognizable by their eyes glowing red with a high-pitched noise with activation of their abilities, and with the fact that after using their powers they have to do a particular activity as 'payment' for using their powers.

Though additionally they are recognized stereotypically, for their seemingly total lack of emotion. In truth this is just as varied as it is for humanity, there is just a trend of dampened emotions to Contractors. Especially when they first become Contractors, which to date seemingly has not much rhyme or reason to why or how it happens. This can have a variety of effects on the new Contractor, including the dampening of their emotions. Sometimes they bounce back, sometimes they are changed fundamentally for the rest of their lives.

But a common thing discussed in Darker than Black is the question of if Contractors are still human or not, which is not definitively answered very well. Opinions vary depending on people who know about Contractors and even from Contractors themselves. As for this blog, it abides by this:

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. Contractors are as human as they've always been, same for their assistants often used for tracking: Dolls. Either side could argue differently but it really doesn't matter at the end of the day, their new powers don't separate them from humanity as much as people within the canon of DtB try to imply at times.

Maki is not aware of the actual lack of disconnect between himself and humanity, he parrots a belief that he got from other Contractors in believing that Contractors are stronger than humanity and that humanity fears them for it. He's a 14 year old that has memories going back for only the past 4 years and has spent all his time with other Contractors; no time with humans that wasn't him basically masking. This perspective is likely to change with time, but on a default level this is where he starts at.

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

Relationship status?

Waiting for a miracle

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

pick some food and i’ll tell you what you need to hear

you say you want to heal, but you keep picking the scab

you talk about growth, but you romanticize your pain like it gives you meaning - but you are so much more than that. you replay what hurt you, not because you’re processing it, but because you don’t know who you are without the ache, the deep melancholy you keep yourself entrenched in. you cling to suffering because it’s safer than change. but healing isn’t poetic—it’s ugly. it’s boring. and it’s accountability. it’s choosing not to text them back. it’s shutting up and making compromises. you don’t get to be both the wound and the knife. you say you’re tired, but you keep walking back into the fire. at some point, it stops being about what they did to you—and starts being about what you keep doing to yourself - you can’t control what happened but you can control how you respond to it.

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

what are you, in your purest form?

color

you laugh and dance and sing and it’s all so much. everything is weighing you down, but you refuse to sink. you will elevate yourself, you will ascend in places where the others cry and fall to their knees. your pain is what makes you flourish, even if you don’t see it. you will never break.

[remotespontaneouscombustion]

answer these questions and i'll tell you where your soul rests

right over there, behind the moon

if your body wasn't made of flesh and bones, your soul wouldn't live on this planet; i think it doesn't suit it. you deserve more, better, you deserve the moon and all the stars and the entire galaxies. funny how people can spot colorful planets playing hide and seek in the depths of your eyes, such beautiful mirrors, and i don't really blame them if they get lost in them. to someone, i feel like you're hard to reach. you have dreams, ambitions, you're like the humid august wind that dances in a lover's hair. do you ever spend nights with your nose up, facing the sky? maybe stargazing? i think it would be comforting knowing your soul would be there, always present, holding hands with falling stars and singing lullabies to the clouds. you're such a dream. if your soul had a color, it would be a glittery purple with blue highlights, and it would smell like peonies.

Tagged by: no one! stole it

Tagging: anyone who'd like to!