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I'm sitting at my desk and thinking. I have the usual million things on my to do list to get done but at least I've done a few of them and I'm working on the rest. I think the biggest project I need to work on is a vacation so I'll just keep writing about taking one until the vacation happens. I also need to re fill my prescription for my anxiety meds and pretty much take the longest break in world history. Isla just ran away with my speaker and phone so I better go run after her. I love myself in order to continue to give love to others. I love myself in every way I possibly can because I deserve even my own love and care. I'm currently working on helping Isla with her Life Skills and self care goals. She got something done today and I am proud of her ;) I'll be back later, Bye.

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Nikos Kazantzakis // Fyodor Dostoevsky

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I haven’t danced in a very long time and I danced horribly today and it was so humiliating. Comment and subscribe.

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Virginia Woolf, from a letter to Edward Sackville-West, featured in The Selected Letters of Virginia Woolf 

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At this time I will not be able to give the response that everyone is looking for. After I rest I’m sure I’ll have the perfect things to say. I just have no idea when that rest will even take place. In order to respond to any thoughts in the most positive way a positive correspondence is necessary. I’ll be looking for a safe space with a positive and content communication style. I know that some negatives follow us very consistently no matter what we do. I know I create the positives in my own environment and surroundings. I haven’t been baking and painting much lately and I’m aware that everything isn’t for all the time. I am sending love to myself and my loved ones. I am sending love to myself in all spaces and vibrations where I have been hurt and abandoned and neglected. I am sending love to others in the same positions. It is possible to hold each other every chance we get through whatever may come. It is possible to heal in the future and see something very beautiful. Everything is still possible.

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You are valid and you deserve to be exactly where you are at this very moment. Others opinions of you are others opinions of you, their opinion is never who you are. I go back in time to a specific moment and clearly see myself and I understand when nobody can respond to you at all, you can and should fully understand and respond to yourself with love and acceptance no matter what anyone might scream. The world doesn't make sense and I'm 42 years old. I understand hate will always be there and I understand love will always be there too. This might sound like I've said it a million times but even if this is my last chance to say it I'll say it all over again. I deserve everything beautiful, peaceful and joyful that this world has to offer just like anyone else. I can see myself clearly in my future, the future I envision full of abundance, beauty and everything I know I am created for. I see a beautiful world and the most beautiful life. No one is screaming. I believe there is peace. This might sound like a message from a very long time ago but this message is now. Have ever gotten so angry that it all dissipated and disappeared into the atmosphere and became a part of everything? I might have. Just sitting at home alone performing the things that almost everyone performs every single day. I am working on myself constantly and I'm exhausted. One of these days I'll finally take a vacation.

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Playing scrabble here at home with Isla and thinking 💭. It’s been a little while since I’ve checked in but I’m here now. I’ve been checking in with my sons, I’ve been cooking and cleaning and I’ve been listening to good music. Im using the Pilates ball on almost a daily basis to stretch and I need to get back on the yoga mat tomorrow morning. If you don’t want to be near someone don’t force a connection (advice) just let go. If you want to give to someone just give to them. If you want to leave just leave. Do what’s best for you and don’t screw other people up for no reason at all. I’m still trying every day to do something that makes me happy even if it’s just for a few minutes. Im still dealing with swelling and allergies 🤧 but getting through it with cleansing and water retention pills 💊 I’m sleepy so I’ll talk to the world tomorrow. Be very kind and loving to yourself and those who deserve you in crazy times and all the times in between. 🫶🏽

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Dusk Till Dawn, Josh E Wylie, 2023

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You can help support my art 🖼️ on CashApp $RenataLillian

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Have a beautiful day. Love the people who truly deserve and appreciate you. Help the people who truly need help. Love yourself until it looks almost crazy to love yourself so much. Love your personal space and take care of it. Nurture the places in you that only you understand need nurturing. Keep going and be very proud of yourself for creating this beautiful life. Do what you love.

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I woke up in a really funky mood :( I was in achy pains and nightmare screams and all kinds of stuff I'll probably mention one day when I'm not envisioning running down the street with my hands in the air screaming (ha ha or maybe not). Anyway, I pulled it together even if the dishes were piled up in the sink and my son just walked in on a short trip back home from school. The news has shared a lot of University protests from around the world so I am always happy to see him and his age group make it home safely. I've been here at home trying to moisturize my skin and the air and my eyes and anything else you can think of. I might need to figure how to refine my social media feed to pick up a little bit more positivity since things have been a bit negative but I'll add that to my check list. I don't really have anything very poetic to say at the moment due to being extremely exhausted whether it shows or not. I'm happy that I made the bed and I got dressed and did the same for a little person. It doesn't look or seem huge but for me it makes the biggest difference. I'll be back soon to talk about some stuff and hopefully bring back another installment of my sci fi series except this time the hero girl wins (lol).