reneevillanueva-blog1

[reneevillanueva-blog1]

Dahilan

Maraming katanungan Naiipon na sa aking utak Di mapakali, na kahit man isang saglit

Paano mo malalaman kung ito'y nararapat na mapasaiyo Paano mo malalaman kung kailan nararapat na bitawan ito

Ilang beses mo na kong nayakap ng mahimbing Napatahan ang lahat ng luhang parang walang katapusan Napaahon na bago malunod ang pusong napabigat At ayun ang isang salitang hindi ka maituturing, Kasi sa lahat ng naging sakit at hinanakit, ikaw lang ang naging lunas

Lahat ng bagay, sabi mo, ay may dahilan Kung kaya't kailan ba ko dapat titigil humingi ng senyas sa sandaigdig Kelan ba natin malalaman kung senyas nga ba ito ng daigdig

Dahil sobrang sakit

Sobrang sakit magpaalam sa pinakamamahal mo Magpaalam sa laging nakaakbay sayo Naghihintay, yung kahit gaano kababa ang binagsak mo ay lagi kang sinalo Napakahirap tanggapin ang huling pahimakas Napakalupit ng pagtanggi ko sa posibleng wakas At hindi ako naniniwala sa tadhana Kaya ang natira nalang na masisisi ay ang langit at lupa Ibinato ko na sayo ang lahat ng aking problema Pero pano na ngayon kung ang problema ay di na kita mahanap

Napakaraming kaisipan Na naidudulot ng pagtingala sa ilaw ng buwan Kakapit ako sa susunod na pagsikat ng araw At aasa ako na akoy malilinawan Sa bawat segundong nasayang Sa bawat ideya na naisip ko kada bitwin Ito'y araw araw na pagtutuunan ko ng pansin Pero kung ang planong nakasulat sa langit ay dapat kitang bitawan Maghahanap ako ng gana para akoy patibayin Ngunit hayaan mong iwanan kong nakakawang ang pinto Para marinig ko muli ang iyong sining At nang di ko makalimutan kung san ako nanggaling

[reneevillanueva-blog1]

FATHER, I TRUST IN YOU

Our father in heaven holy be Your name Your kingdom come, Your will be done On earth as it is in heaven. Holy Mary, mother of god, Pray for us sinners As it was in the beginning and now and forever, amen I remember a small booklet As small as the palm of my hand But the words inside resonate bouncing from the curves of the end of the world and back Like I am the last person on earth, waiting to be heard I put my hands together like this Knowing this is how close we are I entertwine my fingers and lock them Knowing this is how You hold me And I feel it I close my eyes And I trust that You'll lead me in blindness I put my faith in You I whisper my thoughts, Feeling giddy like this is the first time I'm meeting You But feeling like You've known me my whole life Even though I was 5 and I still have a whole lot more ahead of me. I say my thanks and praise, with a smile on my face Knowing that You're listening to every word Knowing that You're holding on to my every word And hoping that I'll hold on to Yours And I thought I would From 2 different schools that had barely taught me about Your prescence To a big school that puts You on a pedestal I was told about You. I was told stories of how You created everything I see, and everything beyond it From the tiniest pebble to the largest of galaxies I was told of the tales of Your people, Your missionaries Spreading Your glory in every step they take I was told of Your son, my brother, who has lived for the purpose of peace For the purpose of cleansing, he died in our place. I was told that You put us in families who would love, respect, and support us I was told that I was given this grace. As i grew up and understood the world a little more, I tried to observe I looked around and I saw men commiting adultery I saw women being shamed for poverty I saw children beaten to nothing by society I saw people in church screaming hallelujah, Only to come out demanding to be given gifts. This is the world I live in This is not the world I was promised. I tried to speak out and understand I wondered why all of this was necessary I looked up at the sky, and humbled myself I knelt on the ground and prayed. Father, there is so much pain There is so much anger and chaos, what is going on? With all the gun shots, and bombings From nuclear bombs, to harsh words Amongst all of this, do you hear the cries of the children? Father, do you hear me? I heard no answer, just the constant fire of anger I tried to wash down the flames. Believe me, I fought as hard as a 13 year old could Dont offer me your remedies, dont offer me your God Trust me, I tried to keep my eyes open, waiting for the sunrise Tried to remember that the light of day comes after the witching hour of the overstratched night Tried to believe that there is something better for me on the other side Instead I was faced with pride on one side and greed on the other I was left with a black hole that sheltered right here, I believed I had done something wrong for me to deserve this pain I was led to believe that the world had nothing left to offer I was led to believe that I had nothing left to offer I put my hands together again I closed my eyes and tried to remember I was so young when I started to forget I was too focused on figuring out how to survive that I had forgotten God, I'm sorry I havent talked to You for a long time. I dont know where I am. Is this what you intended? Why would you give me so much hurt? Why does anyone have to go through any of this? Father, are You there? Are You even listening? Day by day I plaster a smile on my face And every night that passed, I was cradled to sleep by my tears By the age of 17 I knew I needed help When I realized I had stopped counting sheep And instead counted how many times I wished this would end Only the comfort of still knowing how to feel had kept me warm Sanity judged by knowing when to purge and knowing when to stop As long as everyone believed that everything's ok, then I would soon believe that it is. It takes time to get used to something like this It takes so much practice and experience to form calloused fingers Much like it takes so much years to form calloused hearts I would be crying, knees bent, barely able to stand up I would be cursing, or left silent, not knowing how to shut words out I would remember how I was hurt How I was burnt How I was violated The earsplitting anxiety and depression that leads me to scream Are You even there? Father, can You hear me Father, are You even listening Father, are You even there And finally the noise would stop You would make me remember You have placed certain people to have the tears wiped away, so I may be cradled You have orchestrated the accents of the pain so I'd remember where I started You have made me dance in blindness, so I'd know where I should step You have sent a choir to sing with me through my suffering, and sing with me through praise You have been put on a pedestal but humbled yourself to kneel and reach out To grab my hand and pull me out All I had to do was look up I have remembered now that You are my hope I have remembered how You said that these are my brothers and sisters I have remembered how Your words were echoed through the mouths of strangers I have realized that you were listening That I was the one who shut You out That I was the one who couldnt hear amidst all the pain and wreckage But I'm here to say that I can hear You again Father, I can hear You. Father, I thank You. Father, I love You. Father, I trust in You.

[reneevillanueva-blog1]

Paglaban sa Pinili Kong Digmaan

Lahat ng magagandang kwento ay may pinagmumulan

Magsisimula ako sa unang beses na nakilala kita,

Kung paano mo ko inalalayan maglakad sa lubaklubak na kalsada

Kung paano ka nagpakilala ng mga limang beses para lang maiwasan ang pananahimik

At kung paano roon nagsimula and hindi pananahimik ng aking utak ukol sayo

 Maihahambing tayo sa mga tama

Sa mga tamang salita, sa mga tamang panahon

Naniniwala ako na lahat ng nangyayari ay may dahilan

Naniniwala ako na hindi tayo nagusap nung unang beses tayong nagkita kasi dapat ngayon tayo nagkakilala

Naniniwala ako na sa rami rami ng mga taon na lumipas nang ako’y di sigurado sa aking nararamdaman,

may rason kung bakit ngayon sumusugal ako ng parang royal flush ang hawak ko at hindi ko rin alam

hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito

kung bakit ang dami kong gustong sabihin pero pag kaharap na kita blanko

kung bakit hindi ako makapagsulat ng maayos tungkol sayo

kung bakit masakit na at sasakit pa lalo pero ayoko

ayokong bumitaw

ayokong bitawan ang paninigurado ko

dahil ilang taon na kong naghihintay para maramdaman na ako’y sigurado

na sa wakas nararamdaman ko na tama tong ginagawa ko

na para ito sa tamang tao

maihahambing ka sa lahat ng tama sa mundo

kasi sa mundo kong puro mali na lamang,

isa ka sa mga taong alam kong nararapat na kasama ko

Mabigat sabihin, oo

Kasi sandali lang tayo magkakilala, oo

Pero panatag ang loob ko

Na kilala mo ako at minsan lang to

Minsan lang ako magpakilala ng buong buo

At kahit wala pang sagot sa tanong kong, “bakit ikaw” yayakapin ko ang sumunod na tanong na, “bakit hindi”

 Lahat ng magagandang kwento ay may pinaghuhugutan

Mga pinoy kasi tayo, mahilig humugot

kahit masakit, nakukuha mo paring ngumiti

na kahit wala namang problema satin,

huhugot ka ng problema na naranasan mo na sa iba

 nagsimula ito noong nakilala mo sila

kung paano mo sinugod ang lubaklubak nilang kalsada

kung paano mo sinalin ang pangalan mo nang may dumating na iba para lang manahimik ang masasakit nilang salita

at kung paano roon nagsimula ang ingay ng praning na dulot nila

 Maihahambing tayo sa init ng araw at sa ilaw ng buwan

Na kung saan tumatayo ako magdamag naghihintay para sayo lamang

Kung saan nasusunog na ang aking balat dahil binagyan mo ko ng rason para magbanat ng buto

Dahil alam ko sa dulo nito

May posibilidad na magkakatuluyan tayo

At para saakin sapat na ito

At itong posibilidad ay iyong pinangako

Tuwing tayo’y magkausap sa gabi

Noong pinapakita mo na ako’y may silbi

Kahit may nakatagong patalim sa loob ng mga sugat na binigay ng ibang tao saakin.

Tuwing pinapaalala mo na malakas ako

Dahil sabi mo,

Sa mahahabang gabing magisa lang ako

Nakukuha ko pang tumingala sa mga bituin, at ikaw

Ikaw ang nakikita kong buwan

Naghihilahan lang tayo sa isa’t isa

At ang ating pagpupunyagi na magpigil ay dahil sa takot

Sa takot na pagmasyado tayong naglapit

Tayo’y magiging masama para sa isa’t isa

Na dapat maglaan tayo ng konting distansya

Para walang rason para mangiwan

Walang rason para masira

Ang daangtala na pinasasalamatan nating nagtagpo

Ngunit nagmamakaawa ako na pakinggan mo ‘tong piyesang ito

 Hindi ito piyesa ng isang sawi

Dahil walang tagumpay na masaya kapag wala akong ipinaglaban

At kilala mong hindi ako isang taong tumitigil sa pagpaparinig lamang

Hindi ito piyesa ng taong umaasa

Kasi wala kang ginawa para maging paasa,

ako lang ang nagdesisyon na kumapit

at tanggap ko lahat ng idudulot nitong sakit

at isisigaw ko sa mundo na wala kang pagkakamali

Piyesa to ng taong nagmamahal sayo,

At mamahalin pa kita hangga’t di mo nakikita sarili mo gaya ng pagtingin ko sayo

At hindi ito pagmamahal na gaya ng naranasan mo sa iba

Hindi ito pagmamahal na itinataboy lamang kapag malamig na

Dahil diyan ako mahilig

Sa pagmamahal gaya ng kape

Yakap ang tamis at pait

Hinahanap kapag mainit, at hindi iniiwan pag nanlamig na

Kaya pakinggan mo ‘ko

At kapag dumating ang araw na ito’y nalimot, pakinggan mo muli

Ang piyesa ng taong nagmamahal sayo

Sa ayaw at sa gusto mo, may nagmamahal sayo

Di pa man umaabot sa puntong romantiko

Pero itaga mo sa bato, may nagmamahal sayo

 Pasensya na kung ang dami ko nang nasabi

Pasensya na kung marami pa kong masasabi

Pero kung hindi ko mapupurga mga emosyon na nararamdaman ko hawak ang kamay mo

Hayaan mong ubusin ang mga salitang tugma ng pangalan mo sa aking mga piyesa

 Sa rami rami ng mga taon na lumipas nang ako’y di naging sigurado

Eto ako, sumusugal muli

 Patawad, dahil hindi ako susuko

Tandaan

Na kahit anong mangyari, at kahit sino pa ang kapiling ko

Ikaw parin ang pinipili ko

Kahit ayaw mo, at hindi

Hindi ako nagpapakamartyr uli dahil sayo

Nagpapakamartyr ako para sayo

At hindi rin nakakasama ito

Dahil pinili kong lumaban sa digmaan na ito

Kasi ang digmaan na gaya nito ay nararapat para sa dalawang tao

At alam ko

Kapag sa huli, nakapiling kita

Lahat ng aking sinugal kasama na ang puso ko

Ay babalik din saakin ng buong buo, kaya mahal

Patawad, dahil hindi ako susuko,

Tandaan

Na kahit anong mangyari, nandito parin ako

 Lahat ng magagandang kwento ay nagtatapos din

Pero pangako, ipahahaba ko itong kwento natin hangga’t hahayaan mo ko

At hindi ito magtatapos ng kapos

Maihahambing to sa mga kwentong nagwagi

Dahil kahit anong kalabasan nito sa wakas

Basta kahit sandali man, tayong dal’wa ay nakangiti

Alam ko sa dulo ng digmaan na ito

Tayo ay nagwagi.

[reneevillanueva-blog1]

A Memorial to My Grandfather, a Letter to My Bestfriend

The first time I walked into the room and looked inside the casket, My first thought was, “where did my grandpa go and who was this Chinese soldier inside the coffin?” I wanted to go out and check if I got the room right I wanted to believe that we were all lost, that everything was alright I wanted to smile at everyone inside the room and say that things will be fine Even though I know it wont be for a long time.

It took me 10 whole seconds for me to let things sink in, for me to let myself get upset. I couldn’t believe it. The tears started coming.

His eyes were closed, but I knew this time he wasn’t lost. I knew this time, his prayers were answered I knew this time, he knew he was loved.

The second time I was there for his wake, I looked inside the casket again and I said to myself, “how good was this man to look like a wax version of Jose Rizal in a wax museum” This man was one of the greatest men in our lives A man who took the rapid fired bullet without anyone asking him to Now he lies in peace in front of everyone who didn’t need to see the battle he was going through and says, “this, I did for my own pleasure, was all for you” A display for everyone to look at in awe, for them to remember This man was our soldier, The one who didn’t mind standing up to fight the battles he had fought through before Only this time, doing this with his daughter This time, raising ¼ of his blood with the thought of the survival of a legitimate royal bloodline Because he knew, that things may not be as luxurious as he wished it can be for you But amongst all that fucking up, amongst all the breaking down, you still manage to stand up, and to him, that is about as royal as things can get Because he was a wise man who knew hope is both a curse, and a blessing.

The third, and last time, I came to visit him in his wake, I looked inside the casket while silently chanting, “third time’s the charm” Both times that I looked inside this box, I saw a hero This time, I saw a hero who didn’t have a big label, or name, not because he didn’t deserve it, but because he didn’t really need one.

When I looked inside the casket, all I saw was his face. His tender voice playing through my head Saying the sweet things he would never fail to ask me I remember whenever I would be in your house, he would ask me to eat If I told him I just ate, he would tell me to stop going on my nonsense (and non-existent) diet I remember whenever I would see him outside tending to your garden, while im all dressed up He will walk up to me, and as I bless, he would say, “saan ka pupunta? Meron ka nanaman bang jigs?” pertaining to my performances that matches no other than when I would sing around him.

That is how I choose to remember him. That is why, I think, he passed on the day of one of my biggest gigs so far So I would remember him every time I am on stage, So I would sing with as much emotion as I did when I knew he had passed So that I would always remember him. And I would always remember that I am not alone.

The Lord shall take according to his will, And his will is my command.

Seven days after his passing, it was time to say goodbye. Six days for his wake, and one last day for the welcoming of his eternal rest. If you ever feel the need to remember, say this prayer with me

On the first day, o Lord, You created light. The balance of light and dark, was one of the things he has taught me. I thank You for giving me him as my source of wisdom; On the second day, You created the sky. You gave me a grandfather that told me countless stories of endless possibilities, I thank You for giving me him as my reminder that there is still hope; On the third day, You separated land and sea. I thank You for giving me him in order to organize and collect my thoughts, in moments of weakness; On the fourth day, You created the sun for the morning, and the moon for the night. I thank You for giving me him as my source of light; On the fifth day, You created the sea creatures, and birds who can fly. I thank You for giving me him for sustenance when I am at my lowest, and for reminding me that I need to fall in order to fly; On the sixth day, You created human beings. I immensely thank You for giving me him to remind us to be humane when the world forgets; On the seventh day, You looked at everything You created and said it was good. On his seventh day, we will remember everything he has done, and we will all say it was good. On the last day of the week, You took a hold of rest. Now we surrender Meleusipo E. Fonollera to your arms, as your son. May he rest in peace. Amen.

[reneevillanueva-blog1]

Di Naman Tayo Bagay

May isang beses, may nagustuhan akong lalaki Di ko malapitan kasi halata, kasama ko yung kaibigan ko at di ko maiwasan yung paglakas ng aking pananalita Nang masilayan ko yung gwapong lalaki sa dulo ng kwarto. Yung kaibigan ko nama'y hanap ng hanap, di raw niya makita, yung lalaking napakatangkad at siguro naman ay may napakalaking... Puso. Siya'y aking tinuro, ayun oh, sabi ko Di niya parin makita kaya nilapitan na kita Ako'y ngumiti, nagpakilala Hinarap ang aking kamay para lang mahawakan mo ng saglit Ngunit sinabi ko sa sarili ko, hindi Bawal kita magustuhan kaya aking pinilit Pinilit kong walang maramdaman kaya noong may dumating na iba, Ito ay pinilit

May isang beses, may nagustuhan akong babae Di ka kasi makahalata, Kasama ko siya bilang kaibigan, ngunit iba ang aming tawagan Dinala niya ko sa mga lugar na gusto kong puntahan Ginawa niya ang lahat ng gusto kong gawin para lang makasama niya ko, Pero hindi ako makuntento Kasi hindi siya yung gusto kong makasama Ikaw ay aking niyakap lang, ayun oh, sabi ko Pero alam kong hanggang dito nalang ako Dahil di ka mapakali at ako'y may kapiling na iba Hinarap ko ang aking puso kahit alam kong masakit Para lang makita mo kahit saglit Kung paano kita nakikita, at kung pano mo hindi nakikita ang sarili mo Kaya bumitaw ako para malaman mo Kung gaano kita kagusto Kung paano ko gagawin ang lahat para lang malaman yung sagot sa tanong na, "willing ka bang mahalin ako ng buong buo?"

Araw araw, ako'y natatawa Dahil sa mga tanong ng iba Unang tanong, "kayo ba?" Pangalawang tanong, "bakit hindi pa?" Bawat linggo ko to naririnig, na may kasama na "Bagay kayo"

Ano ba yung bagay bagay Yung kapag magkahawak tayo ng kamay dahil akoy kabado, malungkot, o nanlalamig Yun bang kapag binibilan mo ko ng kape o pagkain Dahil di ko masikmura yung stress na nabigay sa'tin Yun bang kapag nakatitig ka sakin Habang kinakantahan ako Ng mga kantang di naman sinulat pampakilig Ngunit kinilig parin ako't kung sino pang nakapaligid satin

Ano ba yung bagay bagay Bakit hindi nalang tayo mag mahalan Di naman tayo bagay Na pinaglalaruan Na iniiwan Na minsan lang pinagmamasdan Na hindi na pinagtutuunan ng pansin kapag nagsawa na Di naman tayo bagay Maganda lang tayo tignan pag tayo'y magkasama Masarap lang ang pakiramdam pag ika'y kapiling Pero hindi tayo bagay Na tumitigil lang sa layunin ng pag gamit Dahil hindi natin dapat ginagamit ang isa't isa Kaya ayoko na Kontento na ko kung nasan tayo Dahil hindi naman tayo bagay.

[reneevillanueva-blog1]

You, and I

I’ve heard a line being repeated from generation to generation. They say, “Opposites attract”

Black always looks good with white But you don’t always look good with me.

You, and I.

See? That’s just my perspective anyway. From the table where we sit, where we eat, The same table where I lay awake when I can’t sleep And here we are again, dragged back here every night Forcing ourselves to scarf down what’s presented to us – to me And forcing ourselves to give something back.

I guess, that’s just the cycle goes: You give, I take. I give, you take. I give, you take. I give, and you take, Then the cycle repeats.

I guess, opposites do attract.

And you, and I, are the polar opposites of You and I…

Sometimes though, I try I make it seem that I like the same things as you I make it seem that I want to do the things you want to do Like eat in your favorite restaurant, Or laugh at the jokes you like to tell, And maybe, watch the same Ruby Sparks film you have even if you hate to admit you own it Even when you tear up and you’re “man enough” not to show it,

I try. I guess that’s why it will always just be you, and I.

I heard a line being passed on from generation to generation They say, “Opposites attract.”

¾ cup of coffee, and ¼ cup of vodka mixes in well But the other way around is just not the same

I’ve grown fond of coffee shops; The soothing smell of coffee beans, the soft hum of the music, and the comfort food. You, on the other hand, wants a bit more of a new scenery, so you go to bars. You like talkative people, you like the raspy voice of singers and smokers, and you order food that you know costs twice its quality.

We got what we paid for, I got you, and you got me.

We both knew from the start what it would entail, we both just didn’t know, that we had a piece of each other as well.

We’d go to coffee shops, and we’d go to bars Then we found out how it seems that we are somewhat similar And how we assumed that we are somewhat similar

It was like when I ordered you a macchiato And how you got me strong beer

And after a few months, you found out little quirks about me Like how I order extra caramel in my frappes And I noticed a few things about you Like how you drink as much as your family does

One night, in a bar, we found ourselves out You, you’re a big drinker And me, I’m a huge smoker And I guess we’re both too toxic to be together

And again, we verified the truth in that statement, That was when I was sure that the you and I, became you, and I.

From the previous generation, to the next, a line has been said They say, “Opposites attract.”

What started out as a simple crush, turned into something you called love. You held me in your arms, as you said sweet things And I held your hands in mine, locking fingers, but held the key.

A few months after, everything started to fade Time passed by, and memories that flake Like those blank moments when we drank back in summer Like the times we planned so that we can see each other Like those few dates we had where we talked about us being together Like the fights we had, a few weeks after Like the insecurities that surfaced during those conversations Like how I noticed how short tempered you are, And how I don’t get how someone so smart can be so immature Much like how you noticed that I can be selfish sometimes But so what? Everyone is from time to time And to be honest, I was waiting for you to be selfish too. I wanted you to say, “I know you said you’re not sure with us, so please… Don’t go. We can figure this out. Stay with me” Instead, you responded with giving me more doubt, then you stopped listening Then it progressed to silence, that progressed to shutting me out when I figured it all out, Until it ended with empty promises and empty apologies.

That’s the difference between the both of us. We’re both writers who knows the value of words. Sadly, you never seem to care enough to choose the right ones, Let alone mean the ones that actually mattered.

The previous generation said that opposites attract, Now, me, I believe in that But someone taught me that I should find someone who will love me completely And also remind me that I should do the same.

[reneevillanueva-blog1]

Isa, Dalawa, Tatlo

Isa, dalawa, tatlo.

Binilang ko kung ilang araw na ang lumipas nang ika’y nakilala. Kung ilang oras na ang nakaraan noong ika’y huling nakita.

At sinabi ko sa sarili ko, sisimulan ko na.

Kinausap kita’t tinanong ko kung may ginagawa ka. Pasimple pa ko noh, binibigay ang lahat, nagdarasal na sana, yung isinulat mong ‘haha’, ay totoo’t kasing liwanag noong natanggap ito ng cellphone ko.

Ilang beses kong sinubukan na kausapin ka, Kesyo walang magawa, nangangarap na sana wala nalang akong magawa sa tabi mo; Dahil may tanong akong di masagot, na sana ako nalang sasagutin mo; Nangangamusta, pinapakita na iniisip kita, na sana iniisip mo rin ako.

At nagbilang ako, Isa, dalawa, tatlo.

Binilang ko kung ilang araw na ang lumipas nang ika’y nakilala. Kung ilang oras na ang nakaraan noong ika’y huling nakita.

At sinabi ko sa sarili ko, ito na.

Noong gabi noong sabado, Naramdaman ko na may kailangan akong gawin. Pinipindot ang mga letra at umaasa sa tadhana na makakarating ang mensahe ko sayo, Na sana maging klarado ito, Dahil sa utak ko, Yung mga salitang gusto kong sabihin ay nagkakabalibaliktad gaya ng nararamdaman ko, At ang nagkakaisang salitang bumubuo sa aking sipi ay ang pangalan mo.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, Huminga ka ng malalim, kaya mo to.

Maya’t maya, may narinig akong tumunog, binuksan ang aking cellphone, at sabay kaming lumiwanag nang makita ang pangalan mo. Nagmadaling buksan at mabilisang binasa, Ang sinulat mo lang pala ay “hi”

yun lang? napakasimple nang sinabi mo habang ako’y nagpapakahirap maghanap ng mga tamang salitang ibigay para sayo, At ang isasagot mo lang saakin ay,

“hi”?

Binasa ko ulit ang aking sinulat, na kung saan 20 minuto ko ito isinulat at 10 beses ko ito binuo, Kung saang dugo’t pawis ang bumuo nito, Kung saang luha nalang ang kulang sa pag gawa nito, At natawa ako sapagkat ang nasulat ko lang pala roon ay,

“Hello”

Nakakamatay ka nga naman talaga, Kung ganito na ko sa pagsusulat lang para sayo. Pero, matagal na rin naman akong namatay, Dahil 4 na buwan na kong patay na patay para saiyo.

Sumagot ako, at tinanong kung may oras ka sa lunes Sabi mo maglalaan ka’t tinanong kung bakit, Pinaghintay kita kahit alam kong masakit Ngunit hindi tayo pareho ng hinanakit Dahil nakatanga ka sa iba habang ako, sayo nakakapit Pero hanggang dito nalang ako Dahil hindi ka saakin, at hindi ako sayo Pero hindi ako umaangal na handa akong maging sayo

Kaya nagbilang ulit ako Isa, dalawa, tatlo

Dumating ang oras na kailang ko tong sabihin Nilabas ang kayang ilabas at hinelera sa harapan mo Humingi ng patawad dahil alam kong hindi tayo pareho ng gusto Ngunit kailangan ko tong gawin Kasi kahit maging sirang plaka akong umaawit nang “iniibig kita” Hindi siya sapat para maintindihan mo kung gaano ako umaasa

Isa, dalawa, tatlo

Sinabi ko na, pero ako’y tama Binilang ko kung ilang araw nalang ang lilipas na hahayaan mong makilala kita At kung ilang oras nalang bago ka mawala

Tama na,

Ayoko nang magbilang. Hayaan mong di na tayo gumalaw, Kung ang ibig sabihin noon ay titigil tayo sa gitna ng ating huling sayaw.

[reneevillanueva-blog1]

Tainted

He looked at me Straight at me

While I was shivering with fear Nearly shitting myself from the horror that plays in my head at night when he called me dear, when he said “Everything will be alright” as I shed a tear. And he left me there, Cowering for myself, covered in blood and nothing else. My clothes strewn on the sidewalk but I don’t pick them up.

They were already tattered when he found me.

Now the purposeless clothing lay there and I have no strength Because even if I pick it up and save what is left I will still be a prisoner In an open cage made up of my tears and screams Knowing that even if I try to cover myself up with this cloth that resembles nothing more than a rag

I will forever be tainted.

Forever be touched by a man whom didn’t even know my last name, a man who was Too self centered, too lazy to gamble with love so he gave up the game And instead, put women like me, children like me, Into a lottery that no woman wanted to ever play. Helpless and vulnerable, and mind you, I didn’t even think this was possible, Counting all the women around the globe, it wasn’t possible. At least not to me. But this is not a game that I would’ve wanted to win. Out of the 100% of the human population, Who would’ve thought that I’d be part of the 44% of under aged women to be tainted By dirty hands, and dirty minds that drove these men to be Demons who took pleasure in stealing the innocence of little children He shoved me into a dark alley that will ink all over my body, the one word you rich bastards keep putting on us when you cant blame anyone else but yourself for the economy,

Shame.

You wrote it with big bold letters,

Shame.

When did love making Ever fall into the hands of men who are incapable of that feeling When did love making Become degraded and reduced into innocence taking Soulless and heartless pleasuring? Better yet, When did it stop being delicate, And grabbed men and women like me For the purpose of needing and wanting That’s right, men are rape victims too.

When there is a huge case about a woman being raped, You go out there and demand for a better state When a man reports that he was abused, All you say is “son, you got lucky” But the truth is, When we’re lying down on the cold hard floor With no one to hold on to, Not even God. When we are stripped off of our clothes Stripped off of our dignity Stripped off of ourselves When there is nothing left

We are all the same.

Now the sooner we realize this, the sooner we notice our mistakes and change for the better.

I woke up one day and I told myself, This isn’t how I was raised. I was raised to stand up on my own feet I wasn’t raised to sit and wait for things to happen. I grew up with nothing in my hands The traffic was my lullaby And the syncopated vibrations of my family’s stomachs was my drive That I have a family to work hard for, and it was my reminder That our stomachs may be empty, but our hearts weren’t.

Not everyone knows the difference between those people out there who beg So they can get money for those they serve for In order for them to get one decent-enough meal and shelter And those people who use the money for vices. Amongst the corruption between the highest in society, and the lowest The ones I stood with, nobody saw the difference between those 2 groups of poverty And mine.

People aren’t aware that there are still some of us out there trying to prove a point Trying to declare that they aren’t there to scam They are there to make honest money, because they are too young to handle a proper job They are not well educated to be accepted. You cant honestly tell me that after this night, you will go out there and look at those people outside thinking the same way you thought of them yesterday tainted with words you call them, spelled out with dirt on their skin No, because where did the analogy “poor is to ignominy” come from?

So I took my time to get quality education, Or at least the ones I can afford I went to college, and created my own business Cause who says support groups are only for alcoholics and those who are depressed And a few years after, I didn’t think I would see him again

It wasn’t the fact that he took my innocence only when I was 12 It wasn’t that he left me bleeding on the sidewalk when he was finished with me It wasn’t even that he left me with nightmares I still have to battle through when someone so much as touches me

No, it was the fact that at that moment, He didn’t even recognize me.

He looked at me, Straight at me

And he forgot, but I am still

Tainted.

[reneevillanueva-blog1]

Alipin

Naninigas ang mga buto Kumakapal ang mga balat sa dulot ng kalyo dahil sa pagkapa natin sa daan Tumingala ka sa itaas, kahit di mo alam ang iyong patutunguhan. Wag kang maging busabos sa mga boses na naririnig mo Pakinggan mo ang nagiisang boses na may halaga: yung sayo

Kilala mo ang sarili mo

Hindi ka makikilala sa mga sabi sabi Ang pagkakakilanlan mo ay gawa sa iyong kilos at labi Wag mo silang hayaan gumawa ng istatuwa na dudumihan lamang ng mga ibong dumadaan Gumawa ka ng alamat na mabubuhay ng ilang dekada

Alamat na magpapakita kung sino ka Alamat ng taong tumayo sa sarili niyang paa Alamat ng isang taong matibay Dahil sa dulo nito ang mga desisyon mo ay sayo lang nakasalalay

Ale pinakikingan mo ba Ale pinakikingan mo Ale pinakikingan Ale pin- ali pin Alipin

Hindi ka alipin ng mga salita Hindi ka alipin ng mga kilos ng iba Hindi ka anino ng taong ginawa nila

Wala silang hawak saiyo Dahil nasa palad ka na ng Diyos Dahil tumayo ka sa palapag ng makapangyarihan At kapag nalaman mo to, ika'y may kapangyarihan Na manalo sa laban ng di ka lumalaban

Tandaan mo, Nilaban Niya na to para saiyo

Sasaluhin mo nalang ang mga batong natira sa pagtatapos ng sakuna Tatangapin mo nalang ang mga sugat mo na sanhi sa mas malalim Niyang mga sugat Lalakarin mo nalang ang natira sa wasak wasak mong kalsada

Tandaan mo na buhat Niya ang problema ng lahat pero hindi ka parin niya binitawan

Kaya ngayon Yapusin mo ang byayang binigay Niya Ihanda mo ang sarili Sa mga masasakit na salita At sa talas ng kanilang mga dila Sa gitna ng kaguluhan mananaig sayo ang sandata ng katahimikan Maging kampante ka na dadalhin ka Niya sa dulo nang katiwasayan Dahil kasama mo Siya

[reneevillanueva-blog1]

Rock Bottom

I feel like I've hit rock bottom.

I know that the only way is up; I know

That every little light at the end of this dark tunnel is my hope; I know,

I know I'm gonna survive.

But lets entertain the thought for a second,

Let me just ask the question, "What if I don't?"

I'm here trembling both in fear and in effect.

The effect of a mental illness that always tries to one up me;

The effect of the voices that screams louder than my cry for help;

The effect of a girl who seemed to give up on removing the shackles she put on herself.

I know I've hit rock bottom,

Yet again.

I stood up once and got through

But I'm thrown back down in this hole on the ground and I'm 6 feet under

Yet again.

Let's entertain these voices for a second,

Let me ask myself, "What if they're right?"

I'm here stunned cold

barely standing on the pavement I've always stood on;

Barely recognizing the only ground I've known;

Barely breathing, barely withstanding,

Losing my grip on everything I've put my faith in.

I know I've hit rock bottom

But I've been here before.

I've crossed these broken roads with the old walls that makes bricks fall;

I've seen the other side of this tunnel and this never ending thought provoking halls;

I've stood up after being buried six feet under for about 2 weeks to a month;

And I am proud because I know that this is something I can win again,

This is something that I can be strong enough for,

This time I wont shut the door. I wont let them

Put me back inside the coffin of construct

Because thats all that it is unless you start believing in it.

A theory will just be a theory unless you prove them wrong.

So I'm gonna stand back up on my own feet because I know that they are wrong.

I know I am loved, I know I have a purpose.

I know I've gotten out scarred, but pretty much alive.

So let's just entertain this thought for a while,

What happens if I survive?

[reneevillanueva-blog1]

The Memoir of Your Next Door Neighbor

I’m a girl who probably has what people would call a disability.

It’s a disability because you’ve been too emotionally damaged that even the physical things you do tend to fade as moments and memories and time passes by.

You tend to be the center of your own universe, yet Neglecting all the things you have to do for yourself. You get Too self-absorbed but at the same time running away from yourself, Building walls to get away from yourself, And yet you ask to be free.

And it’s called depression.

People say that you can’t be depressed because you’re this girl who’s always so happy, who tries to make everyone smile, and who’s always just jolly. Someone even told me once, “People who have depression deny it. If you do have depression, you’re not going to accept it.” That’s the problem though, right? People tend to be hypocrites. They themselves told me that when you have a problem, face it. Now that I am, people are telling me that it can’t because I'm not running away from it.

So what am I supposed to do then?

I go inside the room and I feel it, I’m scared, I say things, a lot of things, Some I mean and some I don’t, Some I intend on keeping but it finds a way to come out in the open, And I’m scared. Scared that I’m saying it to the wrong people; That I’m trusting all of them and giving them the power to crush me; And I feel so done, Feel so helpless, And I’m scared, and I’m confused, and I just don’t know… And this is what I’m saying,

I’m babbling.

It’s not going to be a shocker to be diagnosed of Tourette’s either, I mean, I say all these things that makes no sense, I curse Left and right and most of the things that comes out of my mouth is annoying and nobody cares about And I stand there,

All alone,

And I think, This is it, I am done.

But then, at that moment, As I look for cars to run me over, As if I haven’t felt squished enough; As I look for a razor to cut me open, As if I haven’t been cut way too many times to count; I stand there and I think. Think more than all the useless memories that flashed before me; Think way too many times of what could kill me; And I slump down, just one last time, Cursing myself for remembering her at the last moment, But there she is. Dancing in the middle of all the things that I thought of first, And she finally blurs everything, and all I can see is her.

I remember the smile on her face from my very first memory of her, Doing silly little things like picking flowers; I remember picking fights with her countless of times; I remember her holding my hand when tears comes rushing down;

I remember her.

I remember her calling my name as I walked along the silent roads, In the middle of the night, going nowhere as my feet pushed my body along the pavement; I remember arms holding me tight and I hear a faint whisper, And I remember her saying sorry because someone had to say it; I remember growing up by her side, doing everything else for her to be happy; Fighting every guy who made her cry and uneasy; And I remember us fighting when she picked them over me. I remember a few years later, she writes me a letter, Apologizing for the things she’d said and done, And I remember me forgiving her;

I remember growing up with her by my side, And now that we’ve grown passed that, I’m still by her side, And I can’t let that go.

So I inhale…

Then exhale…

And I push myself through those office doors; Said my formal greeting as rehearsed in the bathroom stall; And I began to tell her, The person who can make the pain go away, with her Little piece of pen and paper and comfy cushions, all the comfort And yet there is still no intimacy. Someone I can trust without actually knowing, And I tell this person that I’ve met countless of times but still haven’t known,

The story on how I killed myself without actually doing so.

[reneevillanueva-blog1]

Identity Crisis

Let me tell you a story about culture, A story that was once familiar, something left behind A memory stuck at the back of your mind A single track that reminds you of how kind, the world once was.

It started when you were a kid, no- when we were all kids People would ask you where you want to go, where you want to live And most of the time, we would say we want to go to America Or Europe, or Canada or some other place far far from your land; now I don’t blame you, we were all there. We had dreams of going to different places Dreamed of seeing the amazing Olympic games and races Meeting and seeing different faces Seeing and hearing different forms of art in different stages Listening to the different sounds and accents of different languages And just explore the wonders that the world has to offer But if this is too big for you to picture or to understand, I get that.

We can start somewhere smaller.

I can tell you where it started, but telling you that would be so easy I want to make you think, make you realize that this Wasn’t just a clumsy mistake Wasn’t a 25 centavo coin that fell under the bed that you can’t find Wasn’t just a lost picture you stopped looking for right before your friend left her home behind. That this is worth remembering That it’s not enough that you lived the memory Now starting from where it all began would be so simple but there’s so much more to that so ill start my sentences with, “it didn’t start with this”

It didn’t start with Spain and Portugal fighting for Spice Island to make their land bigger, It started back in the 18th and 19th century when the African-American’s fought slavery and started the blues

If that’s too general, way too big, we can go even smaller.

It didn’t start with Magellan when he travelled around the east looking for spices when he could’ve started in Portugal It started with a Norwegian girl who didn’t identify as an African, but was proud to be one when people pitied her, not knowing she is as privileged as them

Let me tell you a story about culture A story that was once familiar, something left behind I was probably 9 years old, around that time I was in 4th grade and people had their preferences People want to say things that would impress That would bring them to the top of the chain, something that wouldn’t digress Their reputation. Something that was important to everyone at that time Something that doesn’t say I still listen to Dr. Seus’ rhythm and rhyme

That at night, they drew a line, between pop culture and mine So when they wake, they’d be reminded to go to the pop culture instead of mine The culture that wasn’t even just mine Something that was once ours but you left it behind

Left to dust like your old toys in your closets And left children like me to hide in their own closets But from that age, I didn’t care

I hung those doors open for everyone to see Left my skeletons hanging and didn’t care about who they wanted me to be Because that skeleton was once a person, That people left hidden without even a single tombstone For people to read and see, the missed opportunity But if I had a chance, I would give him one and show the world by writing “Here lies a man, who’s very existence came from the ground that he is now buried in” This is a man who stands as a perfect example Who’s skin I proudly wear today Who’s thoughts are in my head to stay; to share, to promote, to support along the way And I am proud of our culture The culture you left for me The culture that was once ours, that now you can barely see Barely hear about because pop culture drowned it

So you see, it didn’t start with us But it should have started with us

We’ve painted over our brown skin with white, put mascara on our chinky eyes so as not to look Asian but just right the basis of beauty, dictated by a country we fought our independence from but why do we celebrate the 12th of June if we’re not that free when we locked ourselves with the mind set of how society perceives us to be of how society thinks we should be, when we ourselves, are part of society but can’t even stand our ground that this this is who we are, how we can’t proudly proclaim just like how bamboo did when he sung his song noypi how we don’t see ourselves how we should be with high regard and people with decency past the corruption and into reciprocity that blue, red, yellow and white are what we are who we are, and who we ought to be that p.noy is not just a president but our identity and that this, this is a wonderful thing we keep missing because we forget to look beyond what's in front of us that all we see is the destruction nothing past that, not even a glimpse of a reminder that our country’s been beautified into this amazing country, not as big as a continent but big enough and pretty enough for me to call my home, to call my heart, and to call my own

Now I’m not saying that you should be as dedicated like a Philippine hero, im just asking if youre a hundred percent sure that you identify as a Filipino.