rennyrakhma

[rennyrakhma]

Hello, welcome back overthinking.

Disclaimer: The saddest part of this story is, I didn't even know what makes me sad.

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It's literally nothing, but I know my heart feels like broken. I can feel how it's keep falling apart. And I can feel the loneliness starts bothering me. Over and over again.

It shouldn't be like this.

But the stupid me just keep expecting, eventho I know I'll just keep losing.

-----

P.s.

Emang gak seharusnya baca alternative universe jam segini.

Sekian.

[rennyrakhma]

Have you everㅡ somehow just want to disappear?

[rennyrakhma]

Gembel Trip: Day 3

Kamis, 21 April 2016.

Karena sangat lelah dan begadang semalam, kami baru benar-benar terbangun pukul 08.00 AM dan selesai bersiap-siap pukul 09.00 AM. Kami langsung menuju depan penginapan dan menyiapkan breakfast kami, self-service. Aku mengambil dua lembar roti gandum, beberapa potong buah, dua jenis selai, dan segelas kopi. Kopinya enak sekali, dari biji kopi asli, sedikit bitter, tapi pas.

Hari agak mendung, dan sedikit gerimis ketika kami akan memulai perjalanan. Kami berjalan menuju stasiun Bugis dan naik MRT tujuan Raffles Place. Yup, kami akan ke Merlion lagi. Kali ini kami bertanya pada petugas stasiun sehingga mendapat jalan pintas yang lebih dekat. Menariknya, sesaat setelah sampai di Merlion, Nyunyik tidak sengaja bertemu temannya dari Jogja. Hahaha. Di antara banyak negara dan landmark tempat wisata, bisa bertemu di satu titik, di jam yang sama pula. Wah, kebetulan macam apa ini?! *zoom in zoom out*

Di Merlion dengan cuaca sangat cerah, kami berfoto berkali-kali. Dari berbagai sudut dan berbagai kamera. Meskipun banyak ‘bocor’, kami tetap merasa sangat excited. Setelah puas, kami berjalan kembali menuju stasiun Raffles Place dan mampir membeli minum di vending machine. Kami masuk ke stasiun dan mampir ke minimarket, lagi-lagi untuk membeli minum. Setelahnya, kami naik MRT menuju stasiun Orchard. Kami masuk sebuah mall bernama ‘Plaza’ dan berkeliling mall tersebut. Kemudian kami turun menuju ke pusat informasi. Kami bertanya pada petugas, tempat-tempat yang sebaiknya kami kunjungi. Kami diberi sebuah peta dan ditunjukkan tempat-tempat menarik di Singapore. Setelah keluar mall, kami berfoto di depan tulisan Orchard (rd). Di depan Orchard terdapat patung berwarna-warni yang lumayan lucu. Setelah puas berfoto di depan patung tersebut, kami membeli Es Potong Singapore yang sangat terkenal itu. Aku membeli sepotong rasa mint (Yes. I do love choco mint ice cream!).

Kami melanjutkan perjalanan dari stasiun Orchard menuju stasiun Little India. Kami berjalan sekitar 400 meter menuju Little India, dan berfoto sebentar daerah tersebut. Kemudian berjalan lagi sekitar 600 meter menuju Mustafa Centre, tempat belanja serba ada, yah mirip Progo gitu kalo di Jogja. Kami masuk Mustafa Centre dan berkeliling, tapi tidak tertarik membeli apapun. Kemudian kami keluar dan membeli makan di depan Mustafa Centre, nasi lemak ayam goreng dan teh tarik seharga 10,5 SGD. Enak sekali, rasanya beneran ngangenin. Karena porsinya yang cukup banyak, kami hanya memakan setengah dan membawa pulang setengahnya lagi untuk dimakan di penginapan (wujud nyata dari sebuah pengiritan).

Perjalanan dari Mustafa Centre menuju stasiun sangat jauh, dan kami sempat berfoto sebentar di depan kuil Sri Mah- ah lupa namanya. Dari stasiun Little India kami naik MRT untuk pulang kembali ke Bugis dan berjalan jauh lagi sampai penginapan. Sesampainya di penginapan, kami leyeh-leyeh sebentar di depan sambil menghabiskan makanan kami dari Mustafa Centre.

Tiba-tiba dua orang laki-laki dan seorang wanita duduk di depan kami dan menawarkan lapis legit. Kami kemudian berkenalan dan ternyata mereka berasal dari Indonesia juga, anak Jakarta. Mereka bernama Rinka, Bagas, dan satu lagi aku lupa (sepertinya, Panji?). Kami mengobrol panjang lebar dan kemudian saling meng-invite pin BBM, setelah itu mereka berpamitan karena sudah akan pulang ke Indonesia (Nggak nyangka lho ternyata di tahun 2017 Bagas sempet akan jadi calon jodohnya Dais wkwk).

Beberapa waktu kemudian, aku memutuskan untuk jalan-jalan sore di depan penginapan untuk hunting foto. Dais dan Nyunyik menyusul, kemudian kami berfoto bergantian. Kami sempat memasuki sebuah toko buku, tapi tentu saja harganya terlalu mahal. Kami berjalan ke arah Masjid Sultan, berfoto dengan robot dan koboi, dan mengobrol dengan salah seorang pelayan restoran. Setelahnya, kami kembali ke penginapan, mandi, dan bersiap-siap check-out.

Kami keluar dari penginapan pukul 18.00 berjalan ke stasiun Bugis dengan membawa tas punggung seberat 7kg. Kami naik MRT menuju stasiun X (lupa juga nama stasiunnya). Sesampainya disana, kami kebingungan mencari agen penjual tiket bus untuk kembali ke Kuala Lumpur. Kami berjalan berkeliling sekitar 1 KM, bertanya tapi tetap tersesat, berputar putar di daerah yang sama. Kami kebingungan dan kelelahan.

Akhirnya kami melihat sebuah agen perjalanan dan memutuskan masuk kesana. Tiba-tiba pintu terbuka dan sang pekerja bernyanyi “Welcome to the hotel California…” ala-ala The Eagles, hahaha. Setelah bertanya, ternyata bukan tempat ini yang kami cari. Tapi sang pekerja dengan baik hati menunjukkan arah menuju agen penjual tiket. Akhirnya! Kami berhasi menemukan agen tiket tersebut. Ternyata tempat yang kami cari berada hanya di belakang stasiun X, tapi kami malah nyasar berkeliling terlalu jauh.

Sesampainya di tempat tujuan, penderitaan kami masih belum selesai. Tiket bus menuju Kuala Lumpur sudah habis dan katanya kami harus berjalan menuju Golden Miles Complex untuk bisa mendapatkan tiket. Padahal, tadi ketika di penginapan sudah diberitahu penjaga penginapan lebih baik beli di GMC, tapi kami malah memilih alternatif lain :’) Dengan lunglai kami berjalan keluar menuju lift.

Tiba-tiba seorang pekerja agen menghampiri kami dan menawarkan bantuan. Dia bersedia mengantar kami ke GMC! Yaampun terlalu baik hati. Kami kemudian mengikuti pekerja itu dan berjalan 1,5 KM (atau lebih) menuju GMC. Karena kebiasaan orang Singapore berjalan cepat, maka kami tergopoh-gopoh dan kesulitan mengikuti si pekerja yang tidak kami tau namanya itu. Tumit dan betis kami sudah mati rasa, terlalu lelah. Kami melewati banyak jalan, gedung perkantoran, dan apartemen. Perjalanan yang sangat jauh, sangat cepat, dan juga membawa beban sangat berat akhirnya bisa kami lalui. Kami sampai di GMC dengan keringat dan nafas tersengal. Untung saja kami diantar, kalau tidak, ya mungkin kami sudah tersesat entah sampai mana. Kemudian kami berhasil membeli tiket bus untuk kembali ke Kuala Lumpur seharga 17,6 SGD. Kami membeli sebotol air mineral dan beristirahat di depan agen tiket sambil menunggu datangnya bus. Kami sangat lelah.

Pukul 22.30 bus datang dan kami segera naik. Aku sangat sedih ketika harus meninggalkan Singapore. Sepanjang perjalanan aku menengok ke jendela dan melihat indahnya pemandangan Singapore di malam hari. Sungguh tidak rela harus mengakhirinya secepat ini. Setengah jam kemudian kami sampai di imigrasi Singapore, melakukan cap passport, dan mengembalikan ‘surat ijin’. Aku hampir saja akan kehilangan ‘surat ijin’ tersebut karena lupa menaruh sembarangan. Setelah selesai diperiksa kami kembali ke bus dan melanjutkan perjalanan menuju imigrasi Malaysia. Sesampainya, kami diperiksa, dan aku sempat ditanya ‘Ke Singapore bekerja atau..?’ ‘Melancong’ jawabku. Waduh. Jangan-jangan dikira TKW. Hahaha. Kami melanjutkan perjalanan kami menuju Kuala Lumpur. Di bus aku tidur terlalu pulas karena kelelahan setelah berjalan sangat jauh.

[rennyrakhma]

Am I worried?

Yes, a lot.

[rennyrakhma]

"I have acclimated to it."

no.

"I have to."

[rennyrakhma]

Read more books. Write more words. Explore your mind. Don’t stop here.

2016 draft reveal.

[rennyrakhma]

03:02 AM

Hi, how's life?

I hope you are doing great.

Remember when you were 13, feeling so anxious about a competition. You were crying every single nightㅡ afraid that you might never met everyone's expectation. But, in the end, you can do it. You were paving the way for a better place, for yourself.

Remember when you were 16, you were stressed a lot. You were crying at home, in front of a meal on the dining table. You hated it the most, but still, you can go through it.

Remember when you were 23, worstest time in your life, you said. You can't even sleep nor eat. Feels like your chest was burnt, going to explodeㅡ makes you feeling dizzy all day long. It might not completely passed, but at least, it's getting better.

So, for this moment too, please hang in there.

Pogihajima.

Life is indeed tough, but I know you can go through it all. Give yourself a little throwback and remind yourself that everythings gonna be okay.

Relax, eat well, sleep well.

- to an anxious soul in August 2019

[rennyrakhma]

I’m becoming more silent these days. I’m speaking less and less in public. But my eyes, truly, see everything.

An introvert seeking for solitude.

[rennyrakhma]

Halo. Selamat datang kembali pikiran-pikiran yang membunuh waktu di setiap pukul dua malam.

[rennyrakhma]

We’ll never understand the content of the book if we’re just staring at it. We should read so we know what’s going on. People are like that. We thought we were knew some people because we could recognized their appearance. But the truth is we’re not. We’ll never knew somebody just from their appearance. We should go down deep inside their mind and soul to know how it really was. ㅡ draft reveal from 2017.

[rennyrakhma]

Eleven stars.

Dear my eleven stars, 워너원.

Time flies so fast, huh?

It has been 1,5 years already and the day has finally come.

To be honest, I never thought today would be so painful like this.. but knowing that today everything would be our last; it's truly broke my heart into pieces.

--

I just want to say that I'm so thankful because you've came into my life. Thank you for bringing so much joy; for always made me genuinely happy without any reason; for always makes me smile; and for literally everything.

You did well. You've worked so hard.

--

We all know; our time was short but our memories together are forever.

For all these beautiful times, I promise I'd never regret and I promise I'll never forget.

--

Sincerely,

12th star, 워너블.

[rennyrakhma]

Hi again, myself.

Don’t forget to be happy, explore new things, have fun, learn, and grow.

Don’t worry about impressing other people, be a good person and good things will follow.

ㅡ Self reminder

[rennyrakhma]

Its been years now, almost a decade, but it's still hurt me a lot. Maybe this was just an excuse, but honestly I feel like I'm just messed up my life over and over againㅡ leave me a fckn trauma.

I know what happened. I know how it started. But I'm not gonna tell anyone. Not even with you.

---

[rennyrakhma]

Lately.

There are so many things I should say but I just couldn't; and lately, I've started to wonder whether I should just unleash them all.

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I didn't know about others, but I admit, I need to be appreciated.

It may seem like it was easy and not really important, but when I'm trying to give my bestㅡ and not being appreciated, tbh it feels so sad.

I'd feel sad and thought that I'm not good enough. My self-confidence would be decreased and I'll automatically demotivated.

---

I know I'm not supposed to grumbleㅡ especially when I know everyone would talkin behind me if I do that. And I know, I'm not supposed to be angry with anyoneㅡ cause I really hate conflict.

I just feel so angry and upset with myself; for not being able to express my feelings even if it hurts. For not being able to be honest and fighting for what-supposed-to-be-my-rights.

The next thing; for not being able to cryin in front of people. Okay, maybe I'll just ride my motorcycle wherever, alone, then cryin hard along the wayㅡ so nobody can notice.

Weird? Yes. But that's how I heal myself.

---

Hhhhh.

Maybe I'm just start to overthinking again. Maybe I'm just too tired and need to have some rest. Maybe I just feel chaotic cause I didn't have a shoulder to lean on, and didn't even have a home to return to.

Maybe I'm just not being grateful enough.

---

It may seem like small things, but I hope people would be able to ask how's my feelings, and I would be able to answer itㅡ honestly.

---

Last, but not least.

Please know that you've did a good job too, and you have to appreciate on your own,

myself.

[rennyrakhma]

And so the cycle begins again.

It was good for a while, being empty. I didn’t hurt anymore. But as time went on, it was like I could hear myself from far away, begging for permission to come back. — Myra McEntire, Hourglass

[rennyrakhma]

Notice me senpai.

1 AM thoughts;

I'm sorry for being extra these days, but tbh I'm so serious. They're not just a bunch of korean people/stranger to me. When no one can't really understand me (everyone knows i'm an introvert so i can't easily share my problems with anyone), it's only them (my idols, my faves) could be my heroes. The one who never experienced it would never knew how it feels like. That's why most of you would just said I'm so extra or childish, and never know the truth inside me. Thru their shows, musics, and even just photos, i can feel happiness and forgot all my problems. 24/7 following their updates till sometimes i feel so closed to them... like a bestfriend. Even their emotion affected me. I would really happy if they're happy, and I would be sad if they're sad. They're my drugs but also my medicine. My addiction but also my healing. Uh, I rarely like something this much, but I'm so glad I've found them.

A week ago, a member of my fave boygroup has passed away. I'm so sad like I lose my bestfriend. I'm so sad cause he means so much to me. I've knew him since beginning of my kpop life and it has been 7 years. But many people would just said i'm so extra again. They'll never know how precious this boy(s) to me. How much i loved them. How many times I sacrifice myself just to meet them. How many times they're saved me from my depressions.... ((Sigh)). They'll never know. And when I'm in a deep mourning for losing him, who has been keep encouraging me? No one, but strangers. A whole kpop fans. I admit, some of my kpop friends did... but then even my bestfriend take it as a jokes. Makes me really sad.

Oomf told me, "If someone truly care about you, they would respect your passion. They would respect the people you admire and makes you happy. They shouldn't make you feel upset by talking bad about something that makes you happy. People can be savage, but they should know their limits. You'd feel hurt by their words because they're expressing dislike over something you like and is passionate about. I think it's not right."

Red is better than blue, but this is not even debatable. Blue and red are different but they're both colors. Blue is my fave, but I'm okay when people said their fave is red. My faves are s y a i n i & t u w a i s, but I dont question other people when they say bp/gf/rv or even a random group is their fave.

Hahaha out of topic.

So many things i want to say. But I'll stop it here cause I don't want to make a war. Lol. Tbh I'm soooooo sensitive about it... and I hope people would stop messing with me by said something bad about my faves, or said anyone were better than them; like they dont deserve to be an idol.

And... Uhm... it would be better if my friend(s) willing to know about my faves, so I can share my happiness with them hahahaha :3

Sincerely.... a Shawol, an Once, and recently a Wannable.

[rennyrakhma]

살다가 숨이 막히면 가끔, 휴식을 취했다..

바로 당신을 보는 것.

From time to time when I felt like life was suffocating me, I took a little break..

by peeking at you.

(수상한파트너, 5화)